Episode 194

Episode 194 Transcript:

Kyle Wester (41:40.334)
All right, I know 2026 has started probably so quickly for you and your family. And I bet you and your spouse have been wanting to make some changes in how you are parenting and how you're relating to your kids this year. so Sarah and I are excited to give you 10 foundational steps to start that journey this year. know, they're not steps that are all about doing things perfectly or without quite the opposite. These are gonna be 10 practical things that if you start doing these things,
⁓ taking these steps today with your family, it's gonna dramatically change your relationship with your kids ⁓ for the rest of this year and for the rest of their lives. So if you have a moment, take a pen and paper, get ready to write these 10 things down, or if you're driving, just get ready to listen closely, because we're gonna walk through these and break these down. And if you haven't already done it, please take a moment to pause and review and rate the podcast. We love the five-star reviews and love
comments about families that we're changing and helping. It's so encouraging to us to continue putting out this kind of content. And we are excited to really just support you this year. And this podcast is gonna be a great start to that journey and you and your spouse doing things differently for 2026. So sit back and enjoy the episode.
Kyle Wester (0:0.920)
Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle. Hi there everyone. I'm Sarah. And welcome to 2026. Yeah, happy new year everyone. So this should be dropping the second weekend of the new year. So January 12th is when we're gonna drop this episode. And so I'm sure a lot of parents you're kind of recovering from all of the holidays.
And the busyness and kids are going back to school and all that kind of new routine is getting in place. Yeah. I actually just heard some moms talking about, I was in a conversation with some moms talking about how there's so much excitement at Christmas, but then there's so much mess at Christmas too. Even the new toys and the, still trying to get tasks done even though we're on Christmas break and then coming back from all that and getting back into the routine and how that's, that's hard. know, there's really great points and there's really hard points. and I know I was busy coaching a lot of families, Sarah and
A lot of drama, a lot of drama going on with extended family going out of town, uh, arguments happening, old past stuff getting brought up. Issues with kids. So it was, it was a busy time for a lot of families and a lot of good memories, but a lot of also some, conflicts and stuff. But I also, you know, as we've reflected upon 2025, it was a big year for us. Um, we got to, you know, kind of get to interview and talk to a lot of.
experts in this year. Loved talking to the people. I mean, even we wrapped it up. If you haven't listened to episodes in November and October, we're talking Dr. Dan Siegel was on. Tina Payne Bryson was on. I mean, the list goes on and on of people we have dreamed of getting a chance to talk to. Yeah, great conversations. Yeah. And so we're looking forward to 2026 and all the people that
I mean, we had no clue those people were gonna be on a year ago. All the people that may be able to come on our podcast this year. for the things to come this year? Well, and one of the cool things to start out this year, if you're in Tulsa, Tina Payne Bryson is scheduled to come to Riverfield on January 26th and gonna be doing a parenting conference. We don't have all the details yet, but once we have those, I'll make sure we give those details, you know, and more specifics. We'll be sharing them on our social Social media, follow us on Facebook or...

Kyle Wester (2:5.842)
⁓ tick tock or Instagram and we'll, yeah, we'll put specifics there, but you don't want to miss that. If you're in Tulsa and you can hear Tina Payne Bryce and talk about, ⁓ you know, parenting and how to connect better with your kids, it will change your family. So we definitely wanted to plug that. Okay. ⁓ Now, now Sarah, last week we dropped an episode to start the year out with a things that I
just want parents to stop doing. We want to leave them behind. Yes, that's right. You said that's right. We want things we want parents to leave behind. know, it's like so much pressure for us and we do them too. I think it's like, let's just let this go. Okay. Let it go much kinder. Okay. So then today we thought let's give them some tools about 10 things that we sat and brainstormed. If we were, if some parent was like, okay, I want to start a new year off well to where I'm making some, some real foundational steps.
or building upon something, want to build something in our family where we're closer, more connected, we're able to actually resolve conflict, all that kind of stuff. What are the 10 things that you'd advise us to start doing? Right, it's kind of like, okay, if we're to leave this behind, what are we going to pick up, right? Because it's always good when you're goal setting and when you're thinking about motivation for people, ourselves, you really, you want to be aware of what you're letting go, that's great, but it's really very powerful in our brains to be thinking about the direction we are going, you know?
⁓ Even if it's, I don't want to spend money. It's a better thing to think, ⁓ I'm going to save money. I'm going to invest money. I'm headed here. ⁓ So this is kind of our list of where are we heading? These are things that we intentionally try to keep in our focus and we've seen in so many families be wonderful, helpful, we're sharing them. Well, I love how you phrase that. If I'm going to sort of just not spending more, which is a good idea, but if I actually have something, not only that I'm saving, if I'm saving, I'm saving for this.
or I'm trying to get this in the future, that's more motivational, right? And so really trying to like, I think in 2026, it's not about doing everything all new, but it is about doing some things differently so you can then reach that vision, you know, that I think every listener on this podcast, you have a vision of what you want your family to look like, right? And so there are some simple things, some are bigger, some are smaller, but if you start tweaking these today, it will really start helping you reach that.

Kyle Wester (4:24.046)
Yeah, they're kind of practices that you just want to put in your mind. And you're not going to tackle all 10 at once necessarily, pick your favorites. But it's that I'm going to intentionally be looking at this practice and incorporating it into my family. Yeah, and it's not that parents are, they don't care. It's not that they don't care about what's happening in the family. Most of them are just so exhausted. They're trying to unlearn. I know early on when our kids were small, it was just so exhausting to.
be so intentional about unlearning some of the things that were passed to us, unlearning the reactions that seem so just ⁓ normal to us, you know? And to try to like be more intentional about how we talk to them, about how we handle things, about how we even talk to each other. It was kind of tiring, you know? And especially in this fast-paced world where there's so much expectations of what we want for our kids and want for ourselves, it can be very, very draining. And so we don't want...
this podcast to be about that. We want it to be hopeful to say, Hey, if you just start tweaking these, if you start doing these 10 things in 2026, ⁓ they're not going to be like little trends or, or tactics, but they're going to be practice practices, ⁓ disciplines that actually strengthen your connection, build emotional health, I think in your marriage and with your kids and make parenting feel more sustainable. Yeah. I really love the goal. The goal, if you want to say, ⁓
I am looking towards something big picture. It is a family that is connected long term that works together that your marriage and all of that. That's kind of the focus of this would be things that build relationship and connection. And I love that word sustainable. That's big to me. If I'm going to do something, I want it to be something I can keep doing, not something I can get really excited about for a couple of months and then burn out on. Right. ⁓ And so we want to emphasize this when we're talking with these 10, it's not about doing these 10 perfectly.
We don't, mean, these 10 are even reminders to us about what we want to do better in 2026, but it is about starting. Just like be intentional and say, I want to start doing something differently. Okay. So, and these aren't any particular order, right? This isn't like a top 10 list. I actually just say lean into the ones that feel most important. You know, just follow your own gut on which ones you want to lean into. Okay. So we'll start with number one. We don't have to do a countdown. So number one,

Kyle Wester (6:41.236)
get curious instead of controlling ⁓ shift from why are you doing this ⁓ to what's going on right now or how come that's happening? You know, I mean, so often, Sarah, I find this is such a big tweak that parents haven't thought about. So yeah, the parents will say, my kid's really into this or been watching this a lot. And I'll just say, ⁓ have you asked them what it is they enjoy about that? And they'll say, no, ⁓ I had never asked them that they typically will have some kind of judgmental question like,
Why are you watching that or ⁓ why do you like that so much? And then they'll find their kid will pull away from it. And so this idea being curious instead of controlling really shifts ⁓ that communication where the kids more likely to be open and receptive and want to connect with you on that. Yeah. And I want to just highlight your point there. It's not a, ⁓ are you doing this? What's wrong with you kind of thing? You're genuinely curious. So you have to be intentional about shifting to a space of being curious. You know, I have to think, okay,
going to be curious. Yeah. And I have to move in. And it is surprising to me the shift I feel in myself, I'll feel myself a lot, just calm down, more relaxed. ⁓ And I'm surprised by the answers. Because you think you know, ⁓ yeah, but when you hear what's behind ⁓ it, helps so much. Even when I move into guidance with my kid, maybe what they did is not the best approach, right? And
But when I come curious and I really kind of explain things to me and we talk through that, they're more open to the guidance and I give better guidance because I ⁓ actually understand what was happening inside of them. So ⁓ I just love this. ⁓ I would try this one out and just move into curiosity when things are happening with your kid.
⁓ And just feel that shift. I love this because of how it feels and what it does in the relationship. Well, and what it does, I know even in our marriage, if you're curious instead of judgmental of something I've said or done or likewise, curiosity lowers your defensiveness. You're less likely to be defensive ⁓ for both kids and parents. So we love it for our kids to ask us curious questions. But curiosity ⁓ also helps kids feel understood. ⁓

Kyle Wester (8:53.070)
and cooperation comes more naturally after that. Because like, oh, you're interested in me. You're curious what I think. Yeah, because you're coming from a relationship point and not control. Nobody likes to be controlled. Doesn't matter if you're two or you're 200, nobody likes And control every time focuses on the external. It focuses on the behavior where curiosity is more internal. And it focuses on understanding. And every time I tell parents, when I'm helping their kids, like when I'm coaching them and I've got the chance to spend time with their kid, I'll be like,
I'm not doing anything magic. I'm just asking curious questions and I'm not asking them to be a therapist. I'm just asking them to be interested, you know? So instead of judging it and assuming you know the answer, just be curious. And I found, ⁓ like you said, most of the times I've done it, I've been blown away by the answer. I've been like, I never would have suspected that to be the reason. So I think that's important because curiosity builds trust and control just builds compliance. Okay? So if you want,
a sustainable trusting relationship with your kid, start with curiosity. So that's number one. Number two, set developmentally appropriate expectations. What does that mean? and well, think this goes around all the time. You hear this all the time. Developmentally appropriate. Don't ask your two-year-old to do what they're not developmentally ready to do and that kind thing. And I think we know it and then we...
lied back into expecting because we've said it 10 times or we've seen them successfully do it once or twice. Yeah. Right. And I even 10 times, right? We think this should be sustained. It's done. Check it off. You got it. And we just, I think we still.
put that bar too high, I think we put that bar too high. You know, I think why do I have to tell you to empty the dishwasher again? You know, that's just me. And this really relates a lot to emotional regulation. Like every parent wants their kid to eventually get to a place where they can manage their emotions. They're not throwing tantrums. But then when I'm coaching parents and they bring that up, I'm like, the kid is seven. And just the story, the parent just told me they didn't.

Kyle Wester (10:58.382)
They blew up at the kid and they weren't regulating their emotions, right? So I'll ask the parent, how good are you at this? What's the expectation I should have on you as the parent as opposed to the seven year Because it seems like we're expecting more of the seven year old than we are of the adults. I think another really big place this pops up, emotional regulation is one, but also that kind of planning brain where you think through your options and you plan out the best pathway and you set that goal and you accomplish those tasks.
All that is very prefrontal cortex. ⁓ And that is not going to ⁓ hit till well into their twenties. Obviously we parents, we struggle with it too, right? Building a new habit or doing something. So we just have to realize their brain doesn't build all those things as well as we do. doesn't think through the steps as well as we do. And so of course tasks fall off ⁓ and kids go through developmental bursts that also cause some brain changes. So we just have to keep telling ourselves this and
Go, you know, it's not like you're letting them off the hook, but we can let go of the anger with it and go, oh, I need to scaffold this some more. I need to come in with some support. Say what scaffolding is, Sarah, just so they know. That's instead of just giving the overall task, the overall task. It's the steps to get to that task. So maybe at first my my daughter, I want her to clean up her clothes. So I'm in there and I'm helping her figure out how to hang things on hangers and fold things. I'm not just saying go take care of your clothes. Yeah.
So I'm building those steps. Eventually I see that she can hang up her own shirts. But I'm still helping her fold because that's a little trickier. And then I'm helping her figure out how to organize her drawer. So you can see there's the little steps and then as I see her truly master them, then I let go of that and we move to the next piece. And it's what great ⁓ teachers and coaches do, right? When you're learning to read, you first learn the alphabet. Now when we're saying set developmentally appropriate expectations, I think
Part of that is understanding that most of our frustrations of parents, many times when you're getting upset at your kid, is because you're expecting the kid to have skills that they're obviously showing they don't have. Now that comes from this idea that kids don't want to fail. They're not wanting to suck at stuff, right? Just like we don't. And so ⁓ we, even as adults, are hesitant to do activities that we don't think we're going to be good at. Or we're going to be less motivated. Or we're going to do them with less joy, right? Things that we think we're good at and can excel at.

Kyle Wester (13:20.160)
expect that of me all day long, right? But when you see I'm failing at it, then that's where we want to do the scaffolding thing, right? Where we got to go, is this developmentally appropriate? Do I think that this kid at seven, eight, nine, 10 should already be done with this? Like, should they already have emotional regulation, impulse control, and be able to take on a different perspective by the time they're five? ⁓ Probably not. Like, it's all hard. perspective taking, it's hard for them ⁓ to shift and look at these. Yeah, so all that's very difficult. And if they're struggling at it,
pull back and how can I support them? I like the statement that kids aren't giving you a hard time, they are having a hard time. So if you're thinking, man, this kid's giving me a hard time, but the kid is just having a hard time. They just want your help, okay? So the big idea here is we wanna make sure our expectations, ⁓ that expectation mismatches will create unnecessary power struggles and will lead to more parent frustration.
Okay. So if that power struggles happening, that's typically a key sign to me and I'm getting more and more frustrated. That's a moment to pause and say, am I expecting too much here? And it's, even, we're not even saying, well, then lower the expectation. It's not that it's saying set realistic expectations and then scaffold teach coach how to achieve that. I want to point out to, we kind of were talking about age, you know, but it's not just age. have to look at the temperament of your child. You know, I might have a child who's a.
just by nature loves being clean and organized. It comes easy to them. They've mastered the whole keeping your clothes and room picked up. Then I have this free spirit child who's very social and is driven. ⁓ I would expect those two kids to have, I would need different expectations on their room. I would have to have different expectations on their social skills.
See, you know, just be aware, it's not just age, but it's like, who is this child? Obviously, if you have any neurodivergence, you're gonna have to have different expectations. So look at who this child is as an individual. Well, I'm even thinking like, if one kid's more athletic than another, right? One kid may pick up a sport faster than another kid. It'd be weird to expect every kid to do the exact We just have to keep looking at individual, you know? Okay, number three is, listen to understand and not to fix. Okay, I just had a great...

Kyle Wester (15:33.364)
session last night ⁓ with a parent and child. The parent was great, but there was a lot of lecturing going on, right? Yeah, we all love those. A of, we're so smart. Yeah, a lot of talking down to the kid. Yeah. And the kid is like, I'm not an idiot. So I don't want to be talked down to you. Right? So ⁓ what this parent was needing to learn and did a great job of practicing this in the office with me is wanted to help the kid feel heard and understood. You know, that ⁓ never do kids want the lecture.
That's not what they need. Yeah. I don't know any adult who reflects on the lectures they had as a child and thought, you know, I'm just so grateful that my parents lectured me. Those were really meaningful times in my life. You know, everyone kind of jokes about lectures and then we go on to repeat that same thing and lecture and... Well, and all too often we want to give kids unsolicited advice that they never asked for. When really, I know this happens a lot with me because I definitely can get into like...
one of our kids is telling me a story and I'm like, this is a teaching moment. I need to now this isn't a teaching moment. This is a moment just to shut up and listen and connect like that's what this they like I remember that being as a kid, sir, I would I was a very talkative kid. And I wanted to watch a movie and then come back and tell my parents about it. And all too often, then they would like correct something I was saying about the movie or some way the movie got it wrong. Like what is happening here? Like, I just wanted to tell you about the movie. And then it made it
Next time I thought twice about doing that, was like, well, maybe I don't want to share with them. Maybe I'll just talk to my friend instead of my parents. Yeah. It really shuts down kids, especially teenagers, but anybody. It shuts them down when they think they're going to share something and it's just met with advice and guidance and we just have to, I know we just think we're just so smart and have all this wisdom to share. But the most important thing is someone who
listens to you and you feel seen and heard around. So just swallow that lecture and just listen. And listening doesn't need to mean agreeing. Right. I think a lot of parents are afraid of that. Yeah, but then they're gonna think. know. Yeah, I've got to make sure I make a know. You get worried about that, right? It's a very natural response. But it means staying present. Listening is like, I mean, you go to marriage counseling, almost all the conflicts in marriage is one of the partners isn't listening to the other, right? It's about staying present. And when kids feel heard,

Kyle Wester (17:51.294)
This is what I hope our listeners hear. When kids feel heard, they're more open to your guidance later. So it's not that they never need your advice or they never need your guidance. They do. But when you've earned it, they are more receptive and open to actually like internalizing it, taking it in, really listening. ⁓ so I still don't like sharing those moments. No, no, no. You're going to lose your listener. But the key idea here is understanding always comes before guidance. Okay. So make sure, you know, even going back to the number one,
This kind of ties into that being curious and then making your goal listening rather than lecturing or trying to fix it is understanding will grow more guidance opportunities. Now number four, repair more than you get it right. This is one I need to practice every year. So repair more than you get it right. This is a hard one guys, but I want you to read that line in the notes about what is repair because okay. So a repair would be apologizing, right?
naming your mistakes, ⁓ modeling accountability, right? Repair will teach accountability, like you're able to own and take responsibility for your stuff, but it also models humility. And a big one is emotional safety. Like you're saying it's safe to do this. So many parents, ⁓ they don't do the repair because the kids don't want to do it because the kids don't like, it turns into that lecture. It turns into like you telling the kid what they did wrong and the kids
And it's just not emotionally safe. Like the kid, if they admit what they did was wrong, that's gonna lead to more punishment, more disappointment. ⁓ all those ideas. Yeah. So I think that just, it's really, really important. It's not just, I'm sorry. ⁓ Cause that's not real repair. ⁓ It is really owning what you did, not justifying what you did. Cause maybe you're like, well, I yelled because you blah, blah, blah. You you deserved my yelling, right? That's really what it's saying. So it's really owning what you did.
it all in yourself. I don't care what your child is. But it's owning that. And then it's the accountability is saying this is what I'm going to do. This is how I'm growing and how I'm taking care of my behavior. You know, it's truly owning that because I think ⁓ I ⁓ just want to be clear on that because it's hard work. It's really hard work. And we're gonna mess up a lot and we're gonna have to keep repairing repair repair. But it's more than just in a true repair is more than just I'm sorry, I yelled at you today. Yep.

Kyle Wester (20:16.268)
And I think all too often we were taught many times by ⁓ kind of old school parenting was apologizing or owning your stuff somehow ⁓ undermined authority. ⁓ somehow being a parent was always being right. And if you started admitting your mistakes, whereas I think no one's are just going to go crazy. Nobody believes that anymore. Nobody believes that anymore. And then now we all know, like we all want bosses who can own their crap. How much do you respect that kind of boss? A boss who would come to you and say, know what? I know. And you'd be like, what? You said this yet? You were.
⁓ I'm so and what that does when a boss is able to own it it builds trust it helps you actually start to trust them you actually You know are more likely to listen to them in the future stronger relationship with that kind of a boss Well, so repair the key idea here is repair teaches resilience better than perfection ever could right you want resilient kids It isn't about them never messing up because that's not and you never yeah, yeah, it's about when we mess up which we're going to
When we fail at things, which we will, how do we respond to that? What do we do in that? Yeah, it's being okay that we're going to make mistakes and then this is what we do. We learn and we grow from it, you know? And that's so powerful, great resilience. Okay. So number five, this goes back to the idea that we think change always starts with us, right? So I can't change my kid, but I can change me. So number five is do your own inter work, do your own, not inter work.
your own inner work. Be intentional about doing your own inner work. And what we mean by that is parenting reveals so many triggers. You know, like when I'm getting mad and yelling at my kid, that says way more about me than it does about my kid. And so I need to be curious about myself and be like, what is it saying about me? Like, ⁓ how come this is upsetting me so much? Right, right. So, ⁓ so we've all got that inner work, right? We've all got triggers, we've all got things that set us up, set us off. So it's that.
causing and questioning or coming back later. Maybe you're, you've just lost it in the moment, but it's that coming back later and journaling or, this is where therapy coaching, talking to a really good friend, you know, but it's just that revisiting that moment to go, what was happening in me? I not, but what was happening in me? And then what am going to do about that? I remember a moment like that, Sarah, when I was talking to a friend, we, when the kids were little, we'd gone on an anniversary trip and Abby was little, she'd woken up.

Kyle Wester (22:39.814)
several times throughout that anniversary trip and ⁓ I had blown up at her several times and I came back and I was eating breakfast with him and he said, hey, how did the anniversary trip go? And I was like, it was horrible, man. Like I was a complete jerk. I blew up at Abby several times. ⁓ And then he said, yeah, but did you, I mean, you're pretty good about going back and repairing, right? And you followed up and I said, yeah, I did, of course. And he goes, he kind of teared up and he's not, he's not a crier, but he kind of teared up and he said, man, how beautiful is that? Like, how would she ever know?
what love and forgiveness looks like unless you had done that this weekend. And like that helped me reflect and like, yeah, I totally missed that. was just like, I didn't want to do the inner work because the shame was like, don't reflect on that. You it was, you acted like an idiot. You are an idiot. But in that moment, he helped me even in doing the inner work to reflect back. I'm like, oh, that is true. The goal here isn't for me to do it perfect, but it is to know how to repair it. And in that, in that once I can do that, then I can do that inner work.
of like, what was it that was upsetting? I feel out of control. I had these expectations that are unrealistic on her, that she's a little kid and should never wake up, you know, when she's in the new strange place, which is pretty common. Yeah, but but like doing that inner work was powerful. And that kind of put me on a journey of like, I want to be way more curious. And I want to ask questions like this, like, what is this moment ⁓ stirring up in me? Yeah, I want to have conversations with you about that, like that evening. I mean, what was that about? That thing that Brennan did really upset me.
I wonder what it was. And then you would like kind of, we'd talk through it and it would help give me awareness and insight. So I didn't just continue doing that over and over again. ⁓ And so the key idea here is that regulated parents ⁓ will raise regulated kids. Okay, so ⁓ why are we tying that into doing the inner work? Well, the inner work is better understanding why, what is it that I'm being dis-regulated about? How come I'm getting so upset about this thing? ⁓
What is this thing that's happening? How come it's causing so much fear in me or so much hurt? And if I can do that, then I'm gonna be more calm and regulated. It's gonna help my kids for them to be more thoughtful. They'll ask those curious questions. I wonder how come I'm so upset about this thing that mom or dad did. ⁓ Okay, so number six, this kind of ties into us, but it's a little bit different twist, okay, Sarah? So I want you to talk about this. Reparent yourself as you parent your child. What does that?

Kyle Wester (24:56.994)
Yeah, so they've got this connection, this last one and this one, you know, they have this connection because as you know, a lot of the ways that we're functioning now as an adult is because of things that came up in our childhood, right? That's the reparenting. So when I was a kid, ⁓ I learned to take care of everyone else's emotions or I learned to, you know, ⁓ avoid conflict or I learned to blow up at people and
Force my way because otherwise they're gonna control me if I didn't control or I've learned that nobody will listen to me So I get mad if my kids or wife doesn't listen Yeah, or I'm not supposed to talk back or whatever those things are so the things that we learned and how to cope and survive and Get through life and maybe we're just taught this is being good or whatever might be they're coming back up now and so a lot of times those are the triggers with our kids or our triggers in our relationships with
each other with everyone even at work you'll see these things come up that were learned in your childhood. So we do this work of we're parenting our own children but a lot of times that's a really good mirror insight into ⁓ the places in me that I need to reparent myself. I need to go back and visit that belief system that this child in me learned to operate from and I need to revamp that because maybe that's really not serving me ⁓ and it was the best we could do at that time but now I can redo that I can go back and
hug that child who didn't get hugged because they were bad. Be patient with that kid or listen to that kid or actually get on the ground and play with that kid in ways I wasn't played with. Yeah. So it's just doing that work along doing that work in yourself alongside raising your children. And I'm not going to sugarcoat this. This is really, really, really hard and it's ongoing work, but it's really powerful if we just have some awareness and some, you know, put some effort in this area. Well, what's really freaky about it, Sarah is
this is true, is that many times the way we're interacting with our kids at that particular age, when they're doing that particular thing, is probably exactly how adults reacted to us. When we were that particular age, when we did that particular thing, and that's why we just repeat it over and over again. And actually so many people will say, man, I'm not like this at work, I don't know why I'm like this at home. And I'd be like, well, because you didn't have a model for it at work. By the time you went to work, you could see other mentors.

Kyle Wester (27:13.368)
who didn't act like this. But your only reference point for home was your parents or your grandparents or other people doing that. So that's your only reference point. So it makes sense that you repeat that, whereas you feel more free at work to create something different, right? So a big part of that is reparenting, going back to like, it's really that kid in me that's reacting to my own child, you know? And like you said, it is hard work, but your healing will directly impact your and your child's nervous system. And this can ⁓ feel
Healing and exhausting, but you want to be able to offer yourself patience validation and compassion Okay, the key idea here is your healing will impact your child more than you realize And your kid wants to your kid doesn't want to bring up this scarred inner kid in you They want to actually be I mean the kids they'll know it consciously But they'd love to be a part of that healing of that little kid, you know And I like that you mentioned you have that nervous system part because that really is
when you're a kid, that's what's happening is your nervous system is getting wired. Your brain is getting wired about what to do with emotions and what to do in all these situations. And so it is that learned pathways and you have to intentionally build the other pathways. Yep. Okay. So number seven is play the long game. Stop parenting for today's obedience. I did that. Stop doing this, but yeah, no, but you're playing the long game. You're not trying to play the short game. Short term obedience does not equal
long-term health. So like in that long game, we're trying to ask like, what skills does my child need for adulthood? You know, this isn't about just solving a problem or whatever, putting, making a conflict go away in the moment. It's like, how am I preparing them to become a healthy human being in the long run? Yeah. And this kind of goes to a little like baby steps, you know? Yes. If you're thinking, oh, by the time they're 20, they need to...
or 18 or whatever it is, know, they need to be able to successfully do a load of laundry, fold it, put it away. You know, it's to kind of just help ourselves relax a little bit and look at I'm building steps to get there. I'm building steps to goal setting and emotional regulation. And it's not, it doesn't need to happen today. Right? ⁓ I'm, doing these little things that seem hard and seem

Kyle Wester (29:25.442)
is kind of, you feel like you're repeating yourself over and over, but you're building towards something big and it doesn't need to happen today. ⁓ And realizing that the baby steps in the, and the that's going to get you there. think a health, way that helps me look at it, Sarah is when I watch our kids play soccer, you know, I mean, like our, our youngest now has been playing competitive soccer for several years, but she started when she was four, she's now nine and she's still doing some of the same activities because the coach is playing the long game.
The coach is saying the goal isn't to be an expert at passing or shooting right now. It's to like see you get better and better at these skills as your body grows, as you get stronger. Yes. Well, what's funny about that is do you remember we were watching, was it Arsenal warm up or something? that's right. And you were watching the exercises they were doing and some of them were the same ones that our daughter is doing are professionals who paid. Yeah. And they do it every time to they still do it. ⁓ So it is.
Working out is such a great example of that too. You do it over and over and you know that over time you're building more muscle and you're you're helping your body. you're also building this emotional stamina. It's doing all kinds of things and you're playing the long game. It's not I'm gonna work out three times and then I'll be done. I'm doing these habits over time. Yeah, so relationships, emotional regulation, self-trust, resiliency, ⁓ they all matter more than instant compliance.
Right? That's not the goal. So the key idea here is parent for who your child is becoming, not just, not just today's behavior. So you're looking in the future and you're guiding them and discipling towards that future. Okay. So number eight, ⁓ notice the good out loud. So notice the good out loud. That's a really good habit to get it into 2026. You know, kids internalize what we consistently reflect back to them. And I want you to hear, I'm not saying this like, like praise stuff of like,
where you're saying, Johnny, you put that, like, you did, like, where we're constantly, just. Good job. Exactly. Like, kind of a schmaltzy type thing. Yeah. I'm really, like, we're talking, I like how this ties into the long game. I'm really talking about the skills I see them developing. And, like, it's almost similar, like, what you might do after a soccer game. You wouldn't say, like, yeah, you scored, way to go. You might be like, you know what I noticed? You're getting so much better at the way you pass it and then how you're moving. And, like, is that hard for you? And you're like, you're really, like, encouraging them and shining a light.

Kyle Wester (31:49.398)
the the good the growth that you're seeing and and and character, you know Perseverance, know, if you see something, you know, wow I know it's really hard for you be patient and I saw you wait for or kindness I saw how kind you were to that other kid It's really kind of a deeper thing and it needs to come from a very genuine place So you need to train yourself to be on the lookout for that because I think as parents we feel a lot of times We're supposed to be shaping and molding them, right?
But ⁓ we tend to fall into looking for where we need to fix them. ⁓ And the places they're lacking. And it's just a better driver to be looking for where they're successful. Because if they're noticing that, if they're noticing you noticing that, they're more likely to keep going in that direction. You know, same if your boss comes and pours out your long list of weaknesses versus the areas you're doing really well. You're going to keep excelling if they tell you where you're doing well. Right? Because you're going to go, ⁓ OK. And let me look towards that.
We rise to what people say and believe about us. And on that point, it doesn't mean we're ignoring the problems or the places of growth, but it means you're balancing the narrative. And all too often, the kids tell me when I'm coaching families, they just hear the negative, or at least the negative is the part we spend the most emotion and ⁓ energy on. So it looks like the bigger part of who I am. The school system, a lot of places, they get all kinds of attention. You're not good enough. And maybe you'll get a little sheet at the end of the year, you know, if you were...
you get the kindness award or something, you know, but you hear about the kid who went down to the principal's office and ⁓ there's a lot of attention given and we need to shift that a little bit. Well, and maybe, maybe it's a 2026 thing to do to yourself too, as a parent, you know, notice, notice your growth, notice these things in yourself and notice and in ⁓ your spouse and like say that stuff out loud too. Cause I know that really encourages me when you say it to me or I say it to you. basically, you know, kids, the key idea here, kids will rise.
to the identity they hear most often. ⁓ So you want to, you have a very powerful part in playing and ⁓ helping mold and shape their identity, how they see themselves. Number eight, create predictable routines and meaningful traditions. Okay, connection thrives. I love this statement. Connection thrives in rhythm. So routines create safety, traditions create belonging, simple rhythms reduce stress for everyone.

Kyle Wester (34:13.550)
Okay. Because they kind of know what to expect. And it's like, okay, I know what's coming next. Connection often lives in these very ordinary moments of just simple connection, rhythm, routines, that kind of stuff. It brings a lot of peace and calm to your home. You know, if everyone knows we get up and we do this or when I put my kids to bed, I read, pray with them, I sing to them, know, those kinds of things when they're reassuring. Yes. And in those little rhythms of life or really deep and meaningful connection points.
and something they could trust and lean on. If the day had been messy, we were going to have this ⁓ nice connection at night that just regulated them and held them. those kinds of rhythms, obviously Christmas traditions and ⁓ all those kinds of things. We have a game night once a month, whatever it might be. Those are anchors for your child. And they're really, really important to your relationship. What I like the idea of an anchor. They're an anchor like for a ship in the storms, families that don't have these.
they're more likely to fall apart and become chaos. The storm will sweep them away. But if you have these to the kid, it's like, ⁓ even in these dark, hard moments, I know we're going to do that. Or I know that we will always be able to come back to that. And that's a very reassuring place that gives them a lot of peace. ⁓ And consistency is calming for the nervous system. So helps your kids be more emotionally regulated because of that consistency. So number 10 is ⁓ do life with your kids.
not for them or to them. You want to be inviting, like make 2026 the year where you're inviting collaboration. You're sharing power, you're sharing responsibility. Include your kids in everyday real life decisions and problem solving, everyday tasks. mean, it's so fun to plan our vacations with the kids. It's so fun to even talk about like soon we'll do our goals with the kids for the year and like talking about that where we get to see them dream, but they get to hear our dreams as well.
And we want to be like, how can we help you achieve those goals? That's awesome. Like even when it comes to school, do that with school coming up on this new semester, sit down and do it with them. Don't tell them like what grades you want from them and just demand that. ⁓ Ask what grades they want to make and how you can help them do that. All too often kids think they're just getting the grades for you, you know, but they want to hear your insight. They want to hear what you believe they can do, but it's their dream. It's their grades, you know, school is theirs. And so those kinds of things, when they do those decisions with you,

Kyle Wester (36:40.182)
It feels very empowering and it makes the kids not scared to be able to create their own future because they practice doing it with you and say, yeah, it's so much. It's honestly just a lot of fun to collaborate with your kids and all this stuff is a lot of fun. And man, they're learning so many skills. If I go, I could go in and decide how my child's room is going to be organized, right? Or I can say, Hey, let's look at how we want to organize your room. Where, how would you let and, and invite them into that process? What kind of storage bins do they like? How do they want to, you know, have
Legos over here, Legos over here. ⁓ It ⁓ teaches that skill because then they can take that later. they know how to plan a vacation, they know how to wash a car, they know how to organize their day because it wasn't just handed to them. It's, hey, these are the things that need to be done. How do we want to organize this? And it's really fun. We've been doing it a long time. This is something I think we lean into maybe more easily for us.
and we love it and our kids, it's just really neat to see them. Even groceries and dinner planning, there's a lot I think it comes from us both being middle kids too. ⁓ Being middle kids. I don't think our opinion was asked all that often about what we wanted. So I think as middle kids we're like, let's give everybody a voice. Everybody should have a chance to talk. But doing this, it will build competence, confidence and connection. And it helps your kids be less anxious ⁓ because they learn how to use their power to create a life they want with you.
and they get in ways that they mess up at times and succeed at times, but it becomes a really cool thing. And so the key idea here is partnership grows capable, secure kids. So I want to do a recap real quick, Sarah. So Ratt's wrap this up because we've gone a long time on this. So number one, get curious instead of controlling. Number two, set developmentally appropriate expectations. Number three, listen to understand and not to fix. Number four, repair more than you get it right. Number five, do your own inner work.
Number six, reparent yourself as you parent your child. Number seven, play the long game. Number eight, notice the good out loud. Number nine, create predictable routines and meaningful traditions. And number 10, do life with your kids, not for them or to them. Okay, so before we wrap up, there is one more thing we want to say and it doesn't replace any of the 10 we just shared. It's a bonus. Forgive yourself, okay? You're not failing because you're unlearning.

Kyle Wester (39:2.924)
Okay, that's important. You're not failing because you're unlearning. You're not behind because you're becoming more aware. And you are not messing your kids up because you're willing to reflect, repair, and grow, kind of like that story that my friend told me, right? You are the parent your child needs because you're doing the work. Not because you do it perfectly, but because you keep showing up for them. And that's so important in your kids.
will thank you for when they're adults later. ⁓ right, they'll be like, thank you so much for constantly showing up. They'll do the same thing. Yes, yes. And so ⁓ this idea deserves more than a closing thought, okay? So in an upcoming episode, I mean, a few weeks, we do want to do one about this. We're going to talk about parent guilt, shame, and forgiveness. I know that's a big deal. ⁓ It's such a big deal because we can really get in our own way with this one. And so we just want to have a, ⁓ we were talking about it and we thought we could include it in the top 10.
And then we thought, no, it really needs a lot more space than this. So yeah, it's gonna get its own episode coming up. Yeah, so we're gonna make sure, I want you to save this episode ⁓ for the weeks that your parenting feels really heavy in 2026. Because I'm sure you have these dreams, how you're, ⁓ we're gonna do things differently for 2026 and then ⁓ all like by February, you're like, this sucks. ⁓ It's one in a few months when.
⁓ maybe you tackle a couple and then you're like, wait, what were the other ones? You can revisit this just to inspire yourself through the year. And share it with parents that you think are struggling going into those 26. They're very discouraged, right? And of course you can always reach out to me if you're interested in coaching and wanting to really start with a firm foundation and have someone right with you side by side. So if you're interested in that, reach out to me at Kyle at artofraisinghumans.com. It's a very personal approach to your parenting because
We hear these generic things, but then you can lay out very specific situations and things happening in your family with who you are and who your child is, and then have someone coming alongside you as you're on this really hard journey. Yeah, to help you create a vision with your spouse about the family you want to have. Okay, so great. Thank you so much for listening. I hope the beginning of your 2026 is going awesome, and we value you as just a follower of Art of Raising Humans, and we look forward to being with you this year.