Episode 152

Episode 152 Transcript:

Kyle And Sara Wester (0:1.710)

Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle. Hi there. I'm Sarah. And today, Sarah, we want to help parents better resolve conflict in their families. Yes. Yeah. Because conflict is so normal. It's such a big piece of families. I think we visit it all the time. It's something that as a family, you can come back to time and time again. How are we handling conflict?

We want to do it in healthy ways. Everyone wants to do it in healthy ways. How can we get closer to that? We're not going to do it perfect, but Well, Sarah, and actually how we approach conflict in our families is really at the core of what is the difference between a dysfunctional family and a functional family. Yeah. Yeah. When you look up dysfunction, triangulation is right up there in the description with boundaries. Well, you're jumping right into it. Yeah. We haven't even talked about triangulation. I'm just talking about conflict. Calm down. So first of just ... didn't say that. about how

Conflict in general in families is gonna happen multiple times a day, you know, mean 10 20 30 you have conflicts Especially if you have more than one child You're gonna have so many different conflicts that are happening big ones small ones. The goal isn't to not have conflict It's like oh, we're the best family. We never have conflict. actually, that's not the goal The goal is how are we doing the conflict? Well, this is even true in marriage I remember when we first were married we had no kids and we had a couple friends who

they would brag about how they just never argue about anything and they don't ever have conflict. And I always felt sorry for them. Cause I think having conflict with you is it, that's what conflict increases intimacy. The ability for us to disagree, have different opinions. Like the thing I love about you is that you're not me and you don't think the same as me. Yeah. And I think we can think about that. Think about a friend you have, probably a really, really great friend you have is someone that it's fine that you guys

disagree or they'll challenge you on things like my closest friend can challenge me. Yes. You know, and, think about a workplace you've enjoyed a work environment. I mean, it's, you know, you're probably thinking, oh yeah, we could, you know, we could cat back and forth. could do this stuff. It wasn't that there was never a disagreement. Everyone always just agreed. Yeah.

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Kyle And Sara Wester (2:13.198)

Yeah. And even in that, I think there's a lack of growth if that's happening. If everyone's always agreeing, we're all seeing exactly the same. People feel like they can't disagree. They're hiding themselves. 100%. One person's the leader and everyone just follows. There's usually some peace in there if you really pull it apart. Or it's new. The relationship is young. You tend to not disagree. But as things deepen with somebody, you're going to come to that point. And it's beautiful when you can come to it well.

Yeah, I remember the first thing we had a conflict about was about Santa Claus. And I remember that was the first realization we were arguing about Santa Claus till about three. You were in tears. I was like energized. I was like, this is great. was like, what is true? What is not true? And I was like, what is going on here? I just assumed we were on the same page about Santa Claus. But so I point that out, Sarah is

That was just a quick example in my youngness, my naivety, my immaturity. I didn't know how to resolve conflict very well because my parents hadn't modeled it really well for me about how to really show us as kids how to do it. And so I hope what listeners get out of this besides some specific ways to approach it is to start viewing conflict differently. That the beauty of having multiple kids or the beauty of having diverse thinking and thoughts in your family and seeing things different ways.

isn't meant to be a deficit. That's meant to be an asset because then we come together and we can challenge each other. And so we see conflict not as something to be avoided or even conflict to make go away, but instead we feel equipped and confident to know what to do when conflict arrives. Yeah. And we can come together at the end of conflict and through conflict. It's a piece of something that brings us together, not pulls us apart. anytime Sarah,

A family's coming to me. One of the first things that I'm looking for if I'm coaching a family, right? If I'm coaching some parents is I'm listening them talk about the conflict. Cause that's a hundred percent why they come see me. Cause they want to know that they're coming. There's a conflict. They don't know how to resolve it. And so they may not phrase it that way, but that's really at the core is they're conflicted themselves about how they're approaching something or the way in which their kid is approaching something. So it's all about how can we change this dance? know? And so what I'm listening for

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Kyle And Sara Wester (4:36.046)

And if you're listening right now and you're not running or you're not in a car, but if you're somewhere where you have a pen and paper, I'd encourage you to kind of write this down as. Imagine it in your mind. Imagine it, that's right. But I would encourage you to think of a triangle. So, you know, this is typically called triangulation and this is one example of it that I'm typically listening for. And I'll give you an example. Let me give you an example and then we'll go into the details of it. So an example of triangulation might be.

one sibling is doing something, maybe they're humming or maybe they're singing or whatever, and another sibling gets upset at that, okay? Well, maybe there's a parent who enjoys the singing and they like that their kid is doing, so then the other one who gets upset and they say, shut up, stop it with the humming, and then the other, the parent who's like, what? I like that, don't treat your brother, then they'll come down really hard on that sibling for telling the other one to be quiet or shut up or whatever, right? We don't use those words, no.

And that's an example there of the triangle at work. And I'll show you in just a second. Another example that's pretty common is between spouse stuff, right? To where it could be one kid is doing something and one parent gets triggered by that and starts to be really upset about that, yelling at the kid. And the other parent steps in to then say, don't talk to the kid that way, or don't treat the kid like that. And immediately then partners up with the kid against that other parent.

So think of those examples, and I'm sure as you're listening, there's many more examples you have where those kind of dances are happening. And I want you to think about each of those people playing a role in the triangle. So one person is playing the role of victim, one is the persecutor, and one is the rescuer. So you've got in the first scenario, you've got the kid who's singing is the victim.

the kid who's telling the other kid to shut up, he's the persecutor, and then the parent who's stepping in is now rescuing the victim. Or in the other case where the parent, one is raising their voice and yelling, the kid is the victim, that parent is the persecutor, the other parent comes in to rescue the kid. And so I want you to think about your scenario about which role you tend to play, and we all tend to move around. At different times, we'll feel different parts of that trying.

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Kyle And Sara Wester (6:55.648)

And so, so whenever you're, you're noticing that triangle, what's unhealthy about that triangle is it never will resolve the conflict. And the reason why it won't is because the conflict isn't, isn't happening between the three people. It's happening between the two. Right. Yeah. Try it triangulation to sum it up is anytime there's a conflict and then a third party is brought in.

They don't even need to be physically present. It can be like, why aren't you more like so and so, or why are you doing so and so? It's that time you've brought in somebody, even if it's just to hold space. So you just brought up another example. You brought up an example of like the parent coming in and say, why can't you be more like your friend? Your friend. So then they just created a truck.

really focuses or your friend is getting good grades or your friend is in which eats all the dinner I put in front of what's great about that example is now that poor friend is part of the conflict and they don't they don't even realize it and you might when you bring this I'm thinking of all the kids that I help who they will now be mad at that friend. Yeah, it creates this tension there even if the child isn't aware of it. But when they see that friend they're thinking,

I remember my mom said, always clean up your room or you don't forget things. My mom says, you know. Yeah. My mom thinks you're the perfect kid. Yeah. I mean, I'm thinking of one family I helped, Sarah, where the kids' parents really admired this other family. And they were constantly saying, why don't you spend more time with them? And this kid knew those kids. And he's like, they're not perfect. Yeah, he knew another side. Yes. He's like, at school, they're not like what my mom thinks. But my mom thinks I'm a bad kid and they're a good But honestly, it wouldn't even matter.

if they are, maybe they're amazing and they're Let's say they are, you're still bringing in that third party and you've just drawn the triangle. And so the importance of the awareness of this and the realization of these roles is the outcome is always going to be the same. It's just going to exasperate the conflict and there will be no resolution because what will happen is the persecutor will feel attacked.

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Kyle And Sara Wester (9:5.408)

And now they will put themselves in the place of the victim and they will now seek somebody else to rescue them. And so you're always just then grabbing on. like in your scenario, Sarah, it might be the kid gets upset being compared to that friend. They might call up another friend and say, you won't believe my parents think that friend is great. And then like it starts this whole other triangle that's going on, you know? Yep. And at least at the very least it can create tension with them and that friend. And now that tension just sits there.

Right? That's going to come out at some point. So, and you also said in our conversation before this, real common one that's similar to that is what can happen among siblings and parents is one kid gets labeled as like the golden child. Yeah. When we never have problems with that common triangle. That kid is really compliant, really easy to get along with. And then the other one is kind of the black sheep or the rebel. so scapegoat, there's different terms for it, but

creating that triangle of comparison of the good kid, the bad kid. If something goes wrong, it's probably that kid. Well, and even like if the kid who is the golden child does make a mistake, there's typically patience. We don't notice it that much? Yeah. We don't blow up about it. Brush over it. Yeah. We kind of like, oh, that's strange. That typically doesn't happen. But then if the other kid who seems to make all the mistakes, as soon as he makes a mistake, we act so surprised and so mad. Or if they do something right, you're like, yeah, but you didn't yesterday. Yeah.

or we'll see if you do that again, or it's about time. And if you're listening to this right now, I'd love for you to take a moment and think how that even happened in your family of origin, how there was all these triangles that would happen and you would get so frustrated feeling stuck in a box that you couldn't seem to get out of. And then do you see how there's no openness, no receptivity to resolving it? Because if I am in the place of the persecutor, if you've pointed the finger at me and blamed me and said,

I'm the one who's bad, then I'm not gonna be open learning from you. I'm gonna do something like, I'll reluctantly say I'm sorry and not really mean it, right? Or I'll reluctantly say, you're right, I made a mistake, but I'm not gonna really change anything. there's, as the one being labeled as the persecutor or the bad one, there's no incentive for me to be vulnerable. And for me, I don't feel safe.

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Kyle And Sara Wester (11:20.994)

to actually show up and take responsibility because everyone's saying I'm responsible whether I like it or not. Yeah. Yeah. You're stuck in that corner and it definitely doesn't feel safe. You're coming out against a wall, right? The other two pieces of the triangle right there and you don't, it's yeah, you guys have on your side and I don't. So it's a very lonely place. Well, and everybody in that place, Sarah, they immediately start searching the files in their brain.

to think of the time they didn't act, whatever they get accused of or like, or they think of all the times the other kid did that thing or the other parent did that thing and like, I'm not the only one who's done this and why am I getting picked on for this? So there's no like, oh, let's reflect on this and learn and grow, you know? And so we specifically thought about doing this podcast, not only Sarah, because we get tons of, this happens almost in every coaching session I'm doing with parents is we talk about triangulation, but we specifically did a reel on it a few weeks back and somebody reached out and said, I am the rescuer.

How do I change this? How do I stop doing this? And so we wanted to spend some time about now that we're aware of it and we go, okay, that's unhealthy. We don't want our kids to grow up pointing fingers and blaming and recreating this dance or recreating this triangle, not only with their friendships, but with their future marriage and kids and whatever is going to go on in their life or coworkers. But we want them to know how to resolve conflict in a healthy way. I want to highlight something real quick because we spent that time thinking about the person, the triangle is being

Blamed or yelled at. But I want to really highlight this because this comes up a whole lot, especially if you've gone through a divorce. It's a really tough situation. And it's real common to let, we're looking at that one corner, but I want to jump to the other corner for a second. The person that's been called into a line. So let's say I'm the victim, right? You're, you know,

if we're divorced, like, oh, he's always doing this or this or the other, you don't even need to be divorced. So like, if I complain about you, and I'm telling the kids, ah, he didn't do this again. Yeah, right. In that moment, maybe I just even mean to vent maybe I'm not intentionally thinking about but but in that moment, I am kind of asking them to align with me. I'm saying, Hey, can you take on this role in the triangle? He against him? And

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Kyle And Sara Wester (13:38.388)

It can, of course, sometimes people can fall into this in really, really big ways, but I want to just highlight can be in small ways. You just want to be conscious of that because what that does for a child, it's very stressful because in that moment they're like, oh wait, now I've got to align with you in this and it's confusing. It's very stressful. There's a lot of pressure in that role when you're, so it's not only hard on the person who's

the bad guy, maybe that kid is, you're the problem. But it's hard on the other person where it seems like you're calling them in to be this great hero. And maybe some kids even feel like, yeah, mom, I'll align with you. He's horrible. really, that's not a good place for us. We want to be watchful that we're not inviting or asking our children to step into that. And we can, we all can do it in a moment, but

or just want to raise that awareness. It's not only this part of the triangle that's hard, it's the other side of the triangle that's hard too. Well, I would say being the victim's hard too, right? It seems like even though there are times that people are definitely victimized for sure, but what happens all too often is something like a kid has a conflict with a kid at school or a conflict with kid on the soccer team or whatever, and they go to the parent.

and they are coming as the victim. And the parent then will align and rescue. Yes, you know what it feels like. It's like, hey mom, side with me against him. Exactly, and then what that does is it misses an opportunity where your kid could get out of that victim role and actually be given the skills to go resolve the conflict. pushing that, like empower them to not actually need the hero, right? the rescuer. Typically, what I would be looking for, Sarah, is

if the kid was whining or the kid had this kind of like weakness in their voice, it's like the kid doesn't think they have the strength or the confidence to resolve the conflict. So they're like, I want you to team up with me so we can go beat that other person, right? I don't want to be this victim anymore. But so then when we do that, though, we actually keep them stuck in that victim role instead of teaching them how to get out of it and resolve the conflict. You know, so I love that you pointed that out. So each of the roles, the victim,

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Kyle And Sara Wester (15:46.764)

the rescuer and the persecutor, there's these negative outcomes that come to that. Yeah. That's why we want to avoid the triangle. It's for all parties involved. Well, and so really if you've written these down, written the triangle down, what I typically do is I draw a line with an arrow on each side to kind of model, this is how conflict resolution is done in a healthy way. It's two people who have a conflict and they're going to sit down and they're going to intentionally resolve that conflict. Right? So for instance, as a parent who's watching a conflict between kids,

is the first step, I got to step away from being the referee. Your job isn't to come in and be a ref because that's immediately you triangulating and deciding who's going to be designated and blamed for what happened. So instead of seeing yourself as a ref, take a moment, compose yourself, know, regulate whatever fear or anger is in you. Cause you, maybe you typically side with one kid over the other, um, blame one more than the other and just come in as a coach.

that the coach's job isn't to blame people on the same team. It is to coach them on how to work together. Right. You know, and if I come in as a ref, I'm already causing the triangle and I'm actually giving the message we're on different teams. So as a coach, my approach is different. My perspective is different. It's how can I help them work through this? Right. Right. How can I help them resolve them? How can I build the skills, resolve it, build the skills so they can come together?

the conflict, always holding that the conflict is between these two parties. Yeah, yeah. And I'm even thinking, this is a silly example, but I remember seeing it so well, Sarah, is as a school counselor, when I first was hearing this from Dr. Becky Bailey and other experts, and I was thinking, I've never heard of conflict resolution being done this way. That's so true. I think I am constantly triangulating in my life. And I noticed it, how teachers were doing that too. How teachers were siding with certain kids they trusted or believed more and other kids.

were seen as the bad kids and the troublemakers. And was like, well, how can these kids ever get out of this? So I remember it was maybe five days into the new school year. And I was outside at recess with some kindergartners. So these were brand new kids to the school. And I remember this little girl came up to me and she said, Mr. Wester, that boy over there called me names. Now, typically what would happen in most teachers and myself included is I'd be like, who did it? What did that boy do? He shouldn't be talking to this way. And I'd immediately go in to blame that kid instead of coming in curious.

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Kyle And Sara Wester (18:11.830)

non-judgmental, trying to understand and help, right? Instead, I wanted to like rescue that girl from the mean boy. And what happened was I stopped and I said to her, I said, did you like what he called you? And she said, no. And I said, did you tell him? And she said, no, well, let's go tell him. So we went over to the boy and I got to like practice this. And I said to her, hey, tell him what you said to me. And she said, I didn't like it when you called me names. And I said, what name did he call you? And she said, princess. He called me princess. Oh, you didn't like that?

And she said, no, I didn't like it. And I said, what would you rather him call you? And she said, I wanted to call me by my name. And I said to the boy, do you know her name? And he said, no. And I said, oh, that's interesting. Why don't you tell him your name? She's like, I'll make up a name. was like Olivia or something. And he goes, okay, cool. I can do that. can. And then another girl said, I didn't like it when he called me princess either. like each girl, apparently this boy was just calling them that because he didn't know their names. Hey princess, Hey, whatever. And so it was interesting. I was like, wow.

Typically what would have happened in that, the kid would have been blamed, probably put in some kind of time out, and the kid would be like, what did I do wrong? I didn't know anything wrong. And it would have started a whole new identity for him at that school. He's this bad kid who calls girls names. And instead, we were able to resolve it by bringing the two together and being curious and nonjudgmental. Yeah. I want to give an example of when kids are really, really, really little. And one of my favorites, like what you just said right there, do you like

Right. So I I love that because it hands it right back to them and say, so and so did that, you know, I have a couple examples running through my my head, but when when our two oldest were little and Brennan couldn't talk yet, the conflicts would already arise when he's 18 months, 24 months, you know, his speech was a little delayed, but so he couldn't obviously sit down and say, no, Abby, I didn't like.

when you took my push toy from me, I want you to ask me for a turn or something like that. He couldn't say that, but that's what we can do as parents. So even if your child is preschool, they're struggling with the words. I didn't come in to say, Abby, don't do this. And then I go up and I would talk for him. I'd say, Oh, Brennan, did you like that? And I already knew because he was, you know, fussing or crying, whatever the situation I can say, Oh,

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Kyle And Sara Wester (20:31.028)

I see you're sad you didn't like that and I could look at Abby for him and say I didn't like that and then I could give him the words by talking for him. So if you have a really little one you're already modeling to Abby the conflict was with you and him and I'm modeling for Brennan where he's pre-verbal to say here this is what you can say to somebody when they're doing something and then you can say I want you to ask me for a turn.

And so, so that's the, the very early stages of how to tell, how to build this skill. then later when they're five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, you know, then it's like, okay, did you like that? You didn't. Okay. Go tell the person and then tell the person how you want them to treat you. You're moving right into these steps and I want to make sure if you have a moment, let me once again, if you have a pen and paper, um, take a moment and we're going to give you.

three steps that Sarah just modeled for you that will work for preverbal kids all the way up into adulthood. So these are even things I would do with, you know, adults working through conflicts at work, in their marriage, whatever. This will work to help you resolve the conflicts, these simple steps. So the first step is what you just said, is if someone comes to me, a kid comes to me and says,

they did this, this, this, this, right? Or I'm so mad, they seem upset, right? Do you see how they're already thinking that it's your responsibility? They're calling in their hero. Yeah, you need to come in and rescue me, right? It may even be, maybe I come to you, Sarah, about something a friend did. I might say, you won't believe that I got it, right? And really what the conflict is, it's not what the kid did or what this person did to me or whatever, think, whatever, however way I was aggrieved or, you disrespected or whatever it might be.

The question that is so vital is, you like it? I that's, I got to ask myself, did I like it? Well, no, obviously I didn't like it. Okay, what didn't you like about it? Right? So I've got to like get specific. What didn't I like about how that was handled or what, didn't I like about what that person did? I've that question is a question to help raise your awareness and your, consciousness to own it. Like the conflict is happening because you didn't like what they did.

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Kyle And Sara Wester (22:48.332)

Right? If you'd like same thing could have happened to you and maybe you wouldn't be bothered by, know, right. But I was bothered by it. So therefore the conflict starts with me, not with the person. Okay. And so if you can help that's really, really empowering that I just, love that because there's some kids who really easily can do that, but there's other kids where you actually want to build that skill in them to think now pay attention. What's inside of you? Did you like that?

And it's raising this internal awareness and having them think through and it's building, it's building their brain. I mean, it's doing all these great things because it's causing them to pause and it's causing them to play out what's happening in this moment. How do I feel about this moment? Yeah. And then really to get specific about what is bothering me. Right. So then when you come back and once again, I've done this with friends we've done in our marriage.

is once you come together and now it's just you and that person who you're having with two kids or having a conflict. Did you like it? Then like, okay, no, you didn't. Just like with the little girl where I gave the example, she didn't like being called names, right? So you're going to come now and you're going to set a boundary. Okay. So the boundary is, and this is all part of resolving conflict. The boundary is I don't like it when you do this or I don't want you to do that. It's like, how do I want to be treated? Yeah. Yeah. The boy who is calling him princess, who knows? Maybe in his house that was

a great thing. Yeah. A endearment. Or maybe he did think it was a horrible name and he was, so it doesn't even matter. What matters is that she can come and say, that's not how I don't mind playing with you or something like that, but this is how I want you to address me. Yeah. You know, and it's her being able to say what she wants. Let's bring it to like a marriage example is you, I may raise my voice at you and you may be conflicted in there and you may be thinking, I don't like this, you know? And then you could say, Kyle,

I don't like it when you raise your voice. I don't want you to yell at me. And so that's you setting a boundary with me of saying what you would prefer me to do and how I communicate with you. And that is- I like to be talked to. And it's so important for your kids to know that, to know how they would like to be treated. Cause that's gonna help them all throughout life. So let's say I had a conflict with a friend and we had an argument and I could come back and say, I don't like it when you-

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Kyle And Sara Wester (25:3.896)

put me in a box and you assume you know what I'm thinking and you're not curious at all, right? So I could say something like that, but I want you to stop from when think about like a normal conflict that tends to happen with your kids or even within yourself. First of all, ask yourself the question number one, do I like it? And then the second step is I'm gonna go tell that person that I didn't like it when this happened, or I don't want this step. Third step though is so important because lots of times you'll see kids are very open to doing that. They're very open to telling you what they do not like.

You know, or lots of times the way they'll phrase it, Sarah, is they'll, they'll yell stop, you know, right. And that, that, that's a whole nother podcast, but I don't, I don't think that's helpful because it's not specific. It's just stop. It's just don't do that, that thing, you know, but it's not giving the other kid person information about what you want them to do differently. Okay. So you want them to learn how to articulate the boundary, but then the third step is so important is taking a moment with your kid or with yourself and having some empathy.

and thinking, like putting yourself in the other person's shoes. What is it they were trying to do? What is it they were trying to communicate? And how can they now do that or communicate that in a way that you would prefer? Because really that's, the other person was trying to communicate something to you and the conflict just happened. You didn't like how they did it. So if you could tell them how to do it. So in our yelling example, you could say, don't like it when Kyle yells at me, I'm gonna go tell him.

hey, when you're communicating to me, I really don't like it or prefer you yelling at me. If you're gonna talk to me and you're upset, I would like you to do it with your voice lower, calm, not as loud or whatever. And if we can't do that, let's take a break for a moment until we can. So there you are setting a healthy boundary with me and then you're inviting me into having a healthier relationship with you. So for instance, little kids could be, I don't like it when you take that from me.

If you want to play with that, just ask me. Yeah. Yeah. was thinking among siblings, one that was kind of my mind is when the younger sibling really, as a parent, you see that they just want attention. They want to play with the older sibling or they're want, they're bored. They're wanting attention and not that it's even a bad thing, right? But the older sibling is listening to their music or they're reading, they're doing their thing. And then they're just super annoyed. It's like,

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Kyle And Sara Wester (27:23.276)

you just jumped on me or you just shot me with your nerf gun and they're there and from the outside from their perspective, like you're just this horrible person who jumps on people and shoots them with nerf guns, you know, but then if they can learn the skill of, wait, I didn't like being shot or I didn't like being jumped on. Pause. Oh, I think you were trying to get my attention. Yeah. You know, building that skill of, and they could clarify even, you know, are you mad at me? Is that why you're doing that? Or

Are you just wanting attention? You you can, teaches them that hot, order, that the ability to step inside the other person's shoes, to be curious about what's going on, to clarify that. And then they can say, Oh, if you want my attention, I want you to, you know, can you do this instead? you can see how that would easily triangulate. You know, the, little kid comes in, the older kid gets mad. The parent comes in and takes a side.

Yeah, that is super annoying or you're always ignoring your little brother. Even what I'll notice Sarah is maybe if the parent is an older kid, they might side with the older kid and be like, leave her alone. She's trying to or if they were a younger kid, they might side with the younger kid. Right. And so you'll see that's how the triangle happens as opposed to using that conflict as an opportunity for neither one of those kids to become victims. You know, the older kid is not a victim to the younger kid, the younger kids not a victim. You're actually teaching them both how to be strong and confident.

to say what they don't want, but also invite the kid into doing something different, right? So a real simple solution, you would coach the kid through there, is just say, hey, when could the kid hang out with you? And what you found, the older kid actually doesn't mind hanging out with the younger kid, it's just that dance has gone on so long, they just assume we just can't, because they're so annoying, they're so frustrating. They're always the one who's annoying me.

And they've just forgotten how to like enjoy each other because nobody's coached them how to do that. You know, because their relationship has changed. Now the interests they have are different, right? So you got to coach the older kid to say, Hey, I would like to spend time with you after I'm done with this. So I'll be done with this in 30 minutes. Come back and check with me then. And then we can do X, Y, and Z. And then the kid, I'm telling those younger kids would go, awesome. Yes. This is how to do it. This is great. And they'll pick up on it really quick when it's successful and they go, Oh,

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Kyle And Sara Wester (29:31.116)

Okay, this is how I can do it. This is how I can get that need or that want net. And it saves all the other stuff. It's a real, that direct line is so much, it's successful, it's helpful. So what we hope you get out of this podcast today is let's get out of the triangle. Let's stop triangulating in our families by first being aware of it. We don't want our kids growing up to be rescuers, persecutors, or victims. We want them to know how to have the skills to resolve conflict. Cause you know,

This world needs people who know how to resolve conflict, right? We've got enough people know how to create it, know how to avoid it and don't know what to do with it, right? We want conflict to be an opportunity for your kid to grow in their confidence and their skills on how to know what they want and how to like join and co-create with that other person. So follow those three steps. Number one, did you like it? Number two, go tell that person, like, let me help you say, I didn't want you to do it that way. Or I don't like it when you do this.

And then the third one is step in the other person's shoes. What is it they were wanting and how can they communicate it or do it in a way that you would prefer? If you do that, you will see exponential change happen in the sibling conflict, but also conflict in your marriage, conflict among you and the kids, because now everybody sees conflict not as something to be freaked out about or avoided, but as an opportunity to actually understand and draw closer together. Excuse me.

So I hope that really shines a light and gives you something to think about and start implementing today with your family. Thank you for listening.

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Kyle And Sara Wester (31:15.264)

As a parent, know, conflict is something that is happening every day in your family. And it is one of the biggest problems people come to us for coaching for it is help us resolve these conflicts. And many times there's simple steps that they could take right off the bat to change the dance that is happening, that is causing this endless loop of conflict that never seems to be resolved. So in today's podcast,

we are gonna dive into triangulation and how that causes dysfunctional stuff to go on in the family. And it's really what separates families from being functional and dysfunctional. And we're gonna give you three specific steps that you can do today to start changing the conflict with siblings, with you and the kids, and even in your marriage. So take a moment and pause, review, comment, give us a like. All that stuff really helps us tremendously.

But also if you are needing help, if you're listening to this podcast and you're like, I need help with this, please reach out to Kyle at art of raising humans.com. Send me an email, say, will you help our family with this? And I would love to set up a zoom call to connect with you for a few minutes to see how I can help your family. So enjoy.