Episode 164

One of the biggest fears that I hear from parents all the time is that they will have a disconnected relationship with their kid. That when their kid leaves their house, their kid's just not gonna call. Their kid's not gonna reach out, especially not if there's problems, if there's issues going on, but even to share celebrations and cool things going on. So here at The Art of Raising Humans, we believe parenting is not about control, it's about connection. And today we're diving in to one of the most
important and often overlooked parts and goals of parenting, building a connected, cohesive relationship with your kids. One that will actually last far beyond childhood. It will actually stand the test of time. We're going to talk about the dangers of disconnection, what's pulling families apart and how you can build the kind of trust and emotional safety that makes your child want to come to you even as a teen or as an adult. Wouldn't that be awesome?
You know, would love you to take a moment before you dive into this to, you know, leave a review to definitely rates and review our podcast, share it with somebody who you think will help. It's so cool to see how many thousands of people are listening to the podcast and being affected by the information. Sarah and I are very passionate about and sharing to help families be closer, more connected, more unified because man, we want to bring these kids into adulthood, um, where they actually are close and connected to their parents.
because I think that's going to make them better, more successful adults. So take a moment, leave that review and then get ready to enjoy the conversation.

Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle. Hi there. I'm Sarah. you know, Sarah, think a lot of parents who come to us for help, they are so like worried about having their relationship with their kid get just like get torn apart, right? And I think at every parent's heart, we all want to have like these healthy, deeply connected relationships with our children that will go for their whole lifetime.
Yeah, we want to have fun with them. We want that to be meaningful, not just like, Oh, we've got to be around each other. But yes, we are hoping to be the old people whose kids come with their families and we're having a great time together and we stay connected. sounds like a dream. You know, it sounds like an awesome goal. And we really are passionate about learning how to build lifelong relationships with kids. And that's really at the core.
of almost all that we were wanting to teach parents is to help them be able to create that kind of environment in their home when the kids are little. So by the time those kids leave, it's just a no brainer. So first of all, I want to talk about why connection matters. know, research Sarah consistently shows us that kids who feel emotionally connected to their parents are more resilient, mentally healthier and confident.
Yeah, doesn't that sound so good? great. Yes. Yes. Yes. And that was a big driving force for us. That's a really big driving force for me and how I parent and why I've revised some of the things I've revised, why I've taken some of the things from my childhood and I continue to do them to this day because I want that connection. Well, almost every time we're thinking of a technique we're using or a way in which we're approaching, we're thinking, does this invite connection or does it break connection? Kind of this.
measuring for us is how well does this line up with this goal? Because it's important as parents, you you and I have come together on that and coming up with what we agree on to be our goals long term for our family. How are we going to get there? Does this get us there? And connection isn't just a nice thing to have. Like, it's just like, oh, it's so great that we felt connected. It's actually the foundation of all the influence we have in our kids' lives. I mean, no different than our marriage. So if you and I are disconnected,

Kyle And Sara Wester (2:14.956)
with each other, we just have no influence on when we were like, Hey, why are you doing that? Or could you do that differently? The influence is gone. So if you want to have any influence in your children as they're making decisions about who they want to be, how they're going to live their lives, it starts with connection. And without it, we lose our ability to guide our kids. Yeah. If you're feeling a distance in your relationship with your child, if you're feeling a lot of resistance from them, um, anytime those things start to pop up,
you and I, one of the first things you should go back to is, Ooh, how well are we connected? And it's not how well do I think I'm connected? It's how well are we? How does that child feel in this relationship? Do they feel connected? And you know, there's lots of things we do sometimes as parents, we don't mean to, but we break connection. Yeah. kind of got to revisit that and challenge that and think through their eyes.
are they feeling connected to us? I think as you're saying that there's so many things that we do even as spouses, like if I were to raise my voice and yell at you, I think it's a no brainer. That's gonna hurt our connection. you're gonna be less likely to be open to me in the future, right? If you're talking to me, but I'm on my phone. And again, you're gonna feel like, you? Yes, do you care? Yes. uh And it's a hundred times more for our children who are so small and vulnerable and.
even if they're 15, they're smaller. What I think everybody listening to this podcast, honey, they're very passionate about discipline and how to do discipline in a healthy way, right? And how discipline was done to them. They're very conscious of that. Well, connection is what gives discipline its power. It's actually not fear. know, connection is the thing that makes whatever you ask that kid to do or whenever you're asking them not to do something, fear is just so fleeting, but connection is really much more foundational.
Yeah, so that's what we really want to work on that. So let's talk about Sarah the dangers of disconnection So, I mean this is a fear that a lot of parents have a lot of parents to be honest when they come for help This is what's happening. They're they're seeking help because they're they're noticing disconnection there there there You know, it's the kids not listening to them the kids rebelling more the kid is uh getting more depressed Whatever those kind of things. Let's look at some of the dangers of it, you know Disconnection doesn't always have to look like yelling. It can be real subtle

Kyle And Sara Wester (4:30.926)
It can look like busyness, can look like emotional unavailability. can look like- kind of shutting down. The dismissive, kind of being dismissive of things. Constant correction and criticizing, So disconnection can look like that. But when kids don't feel seen, heard or safe, here's what might happen, right? You might start seeing them act out more. Start doing classic attention seeking behavior. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we, yeah.
You know, you always hear all the things you hear parents say all the time and you feel inside of you all the time, those things that annoy you and what's wrong with you and yeah, those things. Put those in that category of, oh, there's some disconnection here. That's what's going on. Almost 100 % of the time, Sarah, when I'm hearing about lot of sibling conflict and the kids annoying each other, what is at the core of that? It's a lack of connection. The kid does not know how to connect.
with the other sibling, you know? And so when you see that, you say, oh, okay, I need to teach them how to connect, okay? So when there's disconnection, you're gonna see more acting out, you're gonna see more of that attention seeking behavior. Number two, is you're gonna start seeing kids shut down emotionally. They start withdrawing and pulling away. Yeah, so I think that's so valuable because sometimes in the kids that I worked with, I see siblings, you know, and a lot of times there's the one acting out.
that was being brought in or talked about when the school was concerned about this child or focused on this child. But I'd always kind of be curious and shift focus to the other child's like, oh, they're just off. They're just gone. There's a distance there. And even if they're quote unquote good. Yeah, doing what they're asked, being obedient, whatever it is you might think it is. doesn't mean they're connected. So there is a difference. So you need to look at your child not just
for the acting out behaviors, but are they coming to me? Is there a warmth there? So it can look different ways and we wanna be curious with our children, because they have different personalities, so it's going to express that disconnection is gonna look different for each child. So just do that little check-in. Yeah, yeah. And then a third thing we see is they start to turn towards their peers or to screens.

Kyle And Sara Wester (6:44.838)
for both guidance and comfort. once again, another thing you'll start seeing, they're not listening to me, but they're listening to the peers, you know, or they're always on their phone, you know, once again, that's a sign in a marriage if somebody there's disconnection there is they're looking towards their friends rather than to each other. Okay. So if you see that, that means disconnection is happening. Sometimes it's easier, right? If there's, this is such a vulnerable, important relationship. You are so important to your child, but when there is some stress there,
It's sometimes easier for them, just like it's easier for you to sometimes just turn to the screen because I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to address this with my parent. It's easier to turn to my friend group that can feel safer. That can feel like they just accept me. They just, and so you'll see that turning away. And sometimes as parents, you don't want to just, you know, like blast them, but you've got to be intentional and you have to keep just try, just work for connection, work for connection, work for connection. And even sometimes they'll give you that.
go away from me, but you've got to be creative. And we've talked about this and other things. So go listen to those. Even Sarah, when I'm helping some families, I'll hear them report. But we've tried this. Like he'll go up to his room and then we'll tell him to come down. And then he'll just be on the couch with his headphones on. But when I talk to the kid, the kid will be like,
Yeah, but when we brought them out, they're all on their phones. They're all watching. They want me down in the living room, but there's no talking. There's no engaging. And I'm telling you, when I'm working with these kids, they want to connect. They just think with their peers and with the screens. It's just easier. There's not a lot of criticizing and fighting, but if they connect with the parent, it might turn into that. So why risk it? Right? Or they could be having a fun conversation via text message or something with a friend.
and then you call them down just to watch a movie and they're like, I was having fun connecting with my friend and now I'm just coming down to watch a movie with you. I mean, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm just saying from their perspective. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. You just be curious about their perspective. I remember that as a kid, I remember being about 16, my dad said, come and watch this movie with us. I didn't at that time have a good relationship with my dad. We were very disconnected. So was very frustrated because I was trying to talk to my friends on the phone. He made me hang up the phone.

Kyle And Sara Wester (8:55.470)
go in the living room and because I didn't want to watch it, he told me to stand in the corner. So as a 15, six year old kid, I stood in the corner for two hours while they watched that movie because I was not gonna connect. I did not want to do it. But that all started because I didn't think my dad at that time cared about me or really cared about what I wanted. It was all just demanding me do something. So the fourth one that you're looking for is being like when there's disconnection, the dangers of it. They're more vulnerable to outside influences.
or toxic relationships. So this is when they might start dating somebody or liking somebody who's toxic or having toxic oh peer groups. But they're also more prone to be influenced through social media and through other types of ways like that. we need connection. We're wired for connection, meaning our brains were built to connect with humans. And so if that connection isn't going well with their caregivers, then they're naturally going to be seeking that. Their brain's going to be seeking that other places that feel safe.
And so to wrap that up, we often hear parents say, Sarah, they don't listen to me anymore. That's what they'll comment. Our response um is thinking like, who do they feel most connected to? That's what I'm always curious. Who do they feel most connected to? Because that's who they'll listen to. That's who's influencing them. And if I can help that parent get back to connecting with them more and becoming like, in my metaphor, I use a metaphor a lot, Sarah, of an open door.
It's like the door has kind of closed to the parent and the door is now more open to that friend or whoever else is influencing them. And so part of the process is we got to get that connection back. So the door is more open to you. So therefore they're more open to having influence and listening to you. Right. Okay. But now we want to talk about how to do that. If you're struggling with that and you're saying, man, I have a disconnect relation with my kid, we're going to give you five ways. And of course it's not
all the ways you can do it, but five ways that we just thought as we were kind of writing this episode. to get you started. So number one, and all five of these, we wrote these down because these are ones that we're very intentional about. Number one is prioritize their presence. You know, meaning like definitely put your phone down, give them eye contact, listen without interrupting them. I mean, kids love to spend time with people that they enjoy, you know? uh

Kyle And Sara Wester (11:11.534)
And so I know it's, it's, it's cliche, but it really is vital that if whoever you spend time with is who you're going to the five people you spend time with, they're going to say that more. go ahead. No, what are you going to say? Five people. Yeah. The five, they say whoever the five people you surround yourself with the most, that's going to determine who you are. So do you want to be one of the five people in your child's life? Yeah. And you can't demand that.
You can't demand maybe one of those five. It really is frustratingly enough. It really is their choice to invite you into that five. So the first thing is prioritize your presence. So spend time with them, get one-on-one with them, put your phone down, make sure that you are there and not distracted because that's what their friends are doing. That's why they feel valued. That's why they feel loved because they're saying you're important.
I want to make time for you. listen to them and they think what they say is great. So if you're listening to your child and you're critiquing, teaching, know, Oh, I guess I just got to say it instead of just listening and thinking how brilliant they are. You know, it doesn't mean you need to agree with everything. That's okay that you don't agree with everything and you can have interesting conversations and things. But if all you're doing is to show up to criticize and teach, you're going to lose your
audience. And I know we're in a busy world, in a distracted world, but that even more shows the kid how much you care and love them. When you put aside those things and make them a priority and don't let other things distract you beyond them. And smile. Yeah, that's a good one. I'm just saying like if your child walks in the room and they capture your attention and you smile at them, bam. Well, you're bringing in the second part. I think that smiling thing leads into number two is be emotionally available to them. You know, like basically
I know lots of parents are running around rushing here or there and we're just not available to them when they have emotions. We're not there to just sit with them in it. We're not there to listen to them and what they're going through. Many times parents get into the car with their kid after school and it's immediately a task list. We got to get to sports. got to get this done. When you get home, get your homework done because we've got to get out to practice by such and such. Yeah. And there's just not space given.

Kyle And Sara Wester (13:26.552)
to really just be emotionally there. Like for a moment, when they get in your car, take a moment to just, was your day? And really get into the habit of being like, you're all there for them to just unload their backpack of emotions with you. And you're gonna be completely present in that moment and emotionally available to basically validate their feelings, be the calm in the midst of their storm. And if you are that, then you become the steadying force that they're always gonna wanna come back and connect with when things are unsettled.
And you actually don't have to fix everything. mean, especially since I say, don't know what to say. Yeah. If you just listen and just validate just thanks for sharing that. I can see how it would feel that way. They're just in your own words, whatever that looks like for you, just listen. And it's really, really powerful. as we've said this many times, these things work in marriage too. So this would be a marriage counselors, you know, top five as well be emotionally available for your spouse, because that's what you are with people you love. Okay.
Number three, this is one that I actually didn't have this at all in childhood, Sarah. So I didn't, I didn't see this much. Um, my mom did it pretty well. My dad struggled with it. Um, it's definitely something I as a dad wanted to be better at, but is to be ready to repair and apologize. Yep. We're going to make mistakes and we've talked about this before, but again, we can't stress it enough. Own your mistakes. It's okay. You're modeling to your child what to do because they're going to
grow up and they're going to mess up relationships too. And so you're just going and saying, messed up. Sorry. I raised my voice. Didn't need to do that. know, yeah. Make amends. a cool thing to model. We don't have to be perfect. We're going to make mistakes. Right. And when we do, here's what we do. We go back and we repair it. You know, basically Dr. Siegel would call that having a toxic rupture and going back and like you're trying to do that repair and that apology. You're, you're, getting some of that toxicity out of that moment.
And we've got to like model to our kids that connection isn't about being perfect. It's about knowing when we mess up and knowing what to do about it. Cause kids aren't actually wanting flawless parents. You know, they're not sad. never known a kid that said, I hope I have a perfect parent. Well, and they know they're not. So it's okay. We're all humans. Yeah. They actually, here's what they actually want. They want parents that are honest and humble enough to take responsibility when they messed up. will trust you more. Yes. They will respect you more. Yes. Yeah. Yes.

Kyle And Sara Wester (15:50.104)
They will listen to you more if they know you're willing to do that. Yeah, and how many times did I hear that, Sarah, from teenagers who parents thought the goal was to be perfect. And then every teenager had this moment of like, my parents aren't. My parents lie. My parents, you know, uh deceive. parents do these- hypocritical about Exactly. And then all of a their respect goes down the tube, right? Yeah, because you told me you were perfect. Yeah. presented yourself that way. Even if they don't say it, they present themselves as if they're-
Yeah. And the sooner they can be always the problem child, not me, the sooner that bubble can burst, the sooner you free them to not feel the need to be perfect people either. Yeah. And defensive. Yes. Number four, create rituals of connection. You know, really be intentional as a family on how do we, what kind of rituals I would like you to think about that. What rituals do we have? Well, what do mean by that? Well, I mean, like, do we have a bedtime routine where we check in every night? So the kid knows that's the moment.
where mom and dad are gonna give me time to really talk about the day. Do we have dinners together? I there's so much research about having dinners together, meals together, okay? uh Doing one-on-one time on a regular basis, hopefully each week, but if not, at least monthly, we're connecting and getting that time where the kids can expect it. Are we doing movie nights? Are we doing game nights? What ways are we as a family creating rituals of connection? And yeah, I mean,
That one just, I don't know how you could, you can't stress that enough. It's a, want to build in this thing your child counts on. Yes. Yeah. Cause sometimes kids will store things and store things and they're not ready. When they hop in the car and you're like, how was your day? Maybe in that moment, they haven't gotten it all together, you know, but then there'll be this other moment and they'll be ready and they'll know they can count on that moment, that bedtime, whatever it is, that walk that you always go on and, then it'll come out.
and you need to create those spaces because otherwise it'll just sit there and you won't know about it. Yeah, and they'll hold on to it, hold on to it then it'll just come out. And once again, I would say, Sarah, in a marriage, you got to have rituals of connection, Everyone knows about date nights. I know, yes. If you're not doing that, know life will just go so fast and then there's resentment stored up or unforgiveness or hurts that have happened. get lost. They just get lost Even just communication sucks. Right, the suffering, the disconnection is still there.

Kyle And Sara Wester (18:11.310)
just because you didn't talk about it, didn't get to talk about it, it just sits in there. Well, and I'm just thinking about how so many things that you have done real intentional, Sarah, in creating around the holidays and those rituals of connection, you know? The kids look forward to them so much about, mom, when are we gonna do this or make those cookies or do this? And all those things, every time the outcome of those is joy, is closeness, you know? And those are the kind of things that even when they go off to college or go leave the house, they're going to remember those even when they do them with their family.
You know, they remember, oh, I remember when we did that as a kid. So it's another place. So number five, uh let them lead sometimes. So basically what that looks like is it can be really easy to want to give lectures. I know I can be really good at lectures. And when you let them lead sometimes, you're actually making a focus on asking questions rather than lecturing. You're actually helping them have a voice to actually like the goal here.
is to actually understand them and make the goal is getting to know them, right? Instead of them just getting to hear you and know you. Yeah. You're elevating them. You're elevating their value. You're telling them, I see greatness in you. You're a person to be listened to. You have thoughts and opinions that matter. Yeah. I care. Yeah. And so it doesn't matter if they're two years old.
and they teach you how to make the sound of a car, you know, so, or they teach you how to put their little baby doll to bed. Or if they're 10 and they're showing you how to do a trick on their skateboard or look for things where your child can be the master and lead something like, Hey, we're going to do a family night. You're in charge. What are we going to do? What are we going to eat? You know, and it just empowers them. teaches that skill and
And again, it goes back to your child being seen and heard and valued. Well, how many times have you, I know we've had this happen where your 12 or 13 year old son might say to you, Hey dad, do know you can do this on your phone? Why don't you do that? And I'm like, what? don't, can't do that on my phone. Show me. And then he'll show me how to do that on my phone. And like, can see it every time. Yeah. He's like, ha ha. knew that. come on. know you listeners have those moments. Let your kid teach you some stuff. Yeah. Let them be the.

Kyle And Sara Wester (20:29.370)
It's so good for them and so good for your relationship. Yep. So the five we talked about once again, this isn't all the five, but prioritizing their presence, making sure you're connecting with them and being all there when you're with them to being emotionally available, validating their feelings and being calm in the midst of the storm. Three, repair and apologizing. So coming back and definitely visiting again when you've messed up owning it, stop being perfect because you're not going to be number four, create rituals of connection with them.
And then the fifth one is let them lead sometimes. Okay, so I hope you wrote all those down because now I've got a really cool way for you to practice this even deeper. Okay, so I love this this assignment here, Sarah is if you could imagine your child, whatever age they are now being a 30 year old adult, and they're calling you when life gets hard. Okay, so imagine they're calling you life has gotten hard, they're having struggles in their marriage.
or there's some other issue with friends or work, so imagine them doing that and asking you for help. How are you going to create that relationship that leads to that moment? Because it starts now. Yes, because you're not gonna wanna find out about it through the grapevine. You're gonna want them reaching out to you. You're not just raising a child, guys. You're actually shaping an adult who either wants or not wants a lifelong relationship with you.
And I've unfortunately, Sarah's seen both, right? I've seen kids who said, I don't want that because I don't trust that it's gonna be helpful. They think it's gonna lead to more damage than health, okay? Connected families, guys, this is why we're so passionate about it. Families that are connected, they are able to last through the hard things. They're able to last through divorce, grief, and change that happens in life when just, you you lose a job or you're...
You're going through life has a lot of hard moments. We all know that. And we want to do those hard moments with our children. Yeah. When they're going through something. Yeah. And what we've noticed is connected families actually get closer in those times. Yeah. Disconnected families will fracture. Okay. Connection is the legacy. Okay. Behavior is temporary, but relationship is forever. So we want to encourage you to make that your focus, make your focus is how are we going to build that connection?

Kyle And Sara Wester (22:55.126)
so we can have a lifelong relationship with our kids. And if you're feeling disconnected right now with your kid, that makes sense. We have felt that too. But it's not too late. It's not too late. Relationships can be repaired. the work you do now is going to echo for generations. So it can change the whole legacy about what you do right now in that disconnected relationship. It could change the whole future of how you're going to relate to that kid when they grow up.
Okay. So I hope that was helpful to you. hope that gave you some clear steps about how to start having a more deeply connected, healthy cohesive family today and starts changing this, this, this situation that I'm sure you're feeling pretty discouraged about. And I hope you'll start seeing, like you'll start putting them practice this week and start seeing some real improvements and real growth and real good fruit coming from it. we want to thank you so much and stick with it. Even when it's harder. So you have those moments you're like, this isn't working. Stick with it. Okay.
get support around you to help you through those moments you're questioning, but stick with it. Yeah. So thank you so much for listening and we hope you have a wonderful day.