Episode 158

Episode 158 Transcript:

Kyle And Sara Wester (0:1.710)
Hello and welcome to the art of raising humans. I'm Kyle. Hi there. I'm Sarah. And you know, Sarah, you know, one of the funnest parts about doing this podcast is lots of times we'll get feedback or listeners will reach out to us and they'll say, Hey, could you talk about this please? And then we're like, Oh yeah, that's such a great idea. Like that's something we discuss all the time in our family or we think about in our heads, but we've never done a show on that. Yeah. And there's several out there we haven't gotten to, but, but
keep telling us them. Yeah, yeah, please reach out and just say, Hey, could you do an episode on this? Because what we want this podcast to be about is us really helping you be able to have the skills and the knowledge to be the parent you want to be. And and the specific problems rise up in our homes. We're like, how do we handle this? I don't understand how to be this, this parent I want to be in this particular instance of this thing, right. And so many times that's what our discussions are at home is like, I don't understand how to handle this. oh
Right. And we're digging into this stuff all the time, personally, as parents and professionally, because that's what we do. That's our career. So we've got a couple of decades of digging into a lot of stuff. And so it's sort of the space of, let's share it. Yeah. Yeah. And so today I wanted to talk about our RBA. Yes. Okay. So what, what is an RBA? What does that stand for? Relationship bank account. Okay. So relationship. Now this is something
we did not come with on our own. This is something from Stephen Covey and other type of people like that. We loved it. We found out we were reading some books by them, but I like this concept of it really navigated towards us. And we use it a lot when we're coaching parents where we talk about kind of taking an assessment of where is your bank account. Obviously, I think everybody listening this wants your real bank account to be in the black.
I think it's very relatable for parents. think it's something we're all from it's a concept we're familiar with. So just this application makes it come together. Yeah. So when you think about a relationship being in the black or being in the red and that being like an easy way to kind of assess where you are with each of your kids or where you are in your marriage or where you are with your friendships, okay, is I think all of us understand the idea of depositing money and withdrawing money.

Kyle And Sara Wester (2:20.078)
And so I remember when I first stumbled upon this, Sarah, when the kids are very little, this just really helped me better understand why it was so important to have in place ways that intentionally deposited money in their account. Because, you know, if for every listener here, we're no different than you. There's these moments where we get triggered, and we all of a sudden act in ways we wish we hadn't, or we raise our voices, or we get mad or whatever it might be. And those
moments that typically happen like they seem almost like that like super fast. Lots of times we're unaware or even able to see how much money that withdrawals from the account. Right. Right. So it's basically, ooh, I hurt the relationship and that's the withdrawal. So the relationship is there's more separation there. It's like your bank account like, oh,
I just made a really big withdrawal from my bank account. Things are not good. Well then just like when you bring up the bank kind of idea, Sarah, it's just like if you've ever gotten that sinking feeling where an email pops up or used to be you'd get in the mail that said you overdrew your account and you'd be like, what? didn't, oh my gosh, how did I do that? Penalty or or something? all of sudden you're getting this fee and you're like, oh no. And that can happen so many times in our relations with our kids where
something pops up and the kid doesn't really what just happened here and it's like we don't realize that that thing that happened is a reaction to the fact that you withdrew way too much money and it may even be something that I wasn't even aware of that I did you know it may have been they thought I was listening and I wasn't and it seemed like then like I didn't care what they had to say maybe I was busy thinking about something else and there was a misunderstanding there so there's all these ways that we without even knowing about it
besides the times that we blow up and actually do it, that we're actually taking money out of the bank and that we've never spent time depositing more in there. So all of a sudden we're doing something, asking them to do a simple thing for us. And then there's all this pushback and that tells me something. When I'm getting all that pushback, it makes me go, I think I'm in the red. Yeah, that's such a good point because I think we're always thinking, oh, well, I I yelled at him yesterday or something and I'm sure that hurt.

Kyle And Sara Wester (4:33.656)
but we may not realize that that big moment that you really saw happened with 10 other little things that you weren't realizing. Even if it's just, I've been so busy and haven't been spending time with you. That's a uh withdrawal from the, my account, my relation with my child is weaker because of that. And it's just life, just stuff happens. unless,
I intentionally go and check my, I intentionally go and look at my bank account. intentionally think about what have I taken out? Oh yeah. I mean, if I went to quick trip and target wherever, if I went to the store a bunch of times, I'd be in trouble. If I didn't at some point go back to my bank account and go, Whoa, I mean, all these little things have added up. Same thing with the relationship. I need to intentionally go, Hmm, where are we at? What little things have maybe added up?
Yeah, and it'd be a good idea to probably look at your bank account every week and take a check and like, oh, where am I at? I withdrawn? Am I? Not hope that we're doing fine. Yeah, I just had a huge bill I paid. I needed to go look at the account to make sure that was covered, right? And I'm thinking about, as you were explaining that, I've seen all the times, even in our own relationship and our marriage, where little things have happened, you know? And lots of them are just dumb things, like...
I'm trying to get a hold of you because I need to ask you something and you're busy and you don't answer your phone. Or that happens a lot. Or I text you something. I'm not, and I'll get in like, in ways you don't even know it. It seems like there's a withdrawal, right? And you're not even intentionally trying to withdraw, like, we're just really busy. You're in your lane and I'm in mine. And we're just cruising along, but over time. But the way we would know some withdrawals have been taken is all of a sudden there's typically like a simple ask.
and all of sudden there's pushback or there's resentment or there's anger, right? Feel that tension. Yeah, and also, know, what is going on here, you know? And so I love how when we were kind of writing this out, you you put down how small daily choices build or deplete our child's trust in us, right? And that's kind of what we're wanting parents to think about, how our small daily choices either build or deplete the trust we have with our kids. And that's really at the heart.

Kyle And Sara Wester (6:44.454)
of building a good, strong RBA. Yeah. I liked just that sometimes I think we think we can set cruise control, but similar with your bank account. mean, things are always happening. know, things are always shifting. You're buying things. You're maybe making deposits, you're not. You can't just put pause on a relationship. You are always going one direction or the other. And we want to be mindful of that.
You know, what we want to do now is we've kind of talked about how to kind of think about the relationship with your kids a little bit differently in regards to this kind of wanting to be in the black and rather than the red also wants you kind of noticing and reflecting on, am I even aware of that? Oh, maybe that I've been interpreting that that quote unquote attitude I'm getting from my kid as something personal rather being Oh, no, it's really just the bank account. Yeah, or I'm getting every time I asked my kid to do something.
I'm getting all of this tension or frustration or they seem annoyed. Well, all that does is tell me the bank account has been too withdrawn, you know? Because that's not what happens when you ask somebody who you have a lot of trust and deposit in. That's not the reaction you get. So it's just a really good way to have a barometer of where you're at. So now we want to do 10 ways that we have found. There's many more than these, but just 10 ways that we have found.
you can today start getting a good deposit. And I want every listener to hear this, that I got good at these 10 and more because I knew, I just knew at times I'm going to be an idiot. At times I'm going to get frustrated or stressed with life and sometimes take it out on my kids by raising my voice at them or not caring for them the way I would like to. And so I thought, man, I want to make sure way before I do the withdrawal,
that I am doing these things to make sure money is constantly being deposited. So was, was, I really didn't want to get into the red. So I kept getting more money in there. Okay. So I want to, I want to go through these 10 Sarah and just get your thoughts on them. Okay. Okay. So the first one that I think is really important, we got to do this one today after a soccer game that one of our kids played is give genuine specific encouragement. We're not talking about saying, Hey, good job on that game. High five.

Kyle And Sara Wester (9:10.798)
but we're talking about noticing the real effort and the character, you know, what you really saw. And so today our daughter played a soccer game and afterwards, I know what I noticed during that game? I noticed how you did this. remember you were working on that. I saw you improved on that, right? And you can see when you do that with your kid, you can see them start to smile and they're like, yeah, you know, I have it. And they start to give you more details. But I think that is a huge one is getting away from just
praising kids but instead giving genuine specific words of encouragement I think we've all had that moment someone was like oh good job on that today and you're and you oh thanks feels good for a moment but if they come up and they say hey I saw you did blah or the way you worded that or the way when someone and you think wow you you were really paying attention you really saw me in this moment and to feel seen is such I mean man if you really want somebody if you want your child
to feel close to you and to build that relationship, see them, truly, truly see them and let them know that. And that one is just incredibly powerful. I wanna say real quick, as I was thinking about that, be thinking about each child and which ones are where you're gonna be in a different spot with each kid. And then which one of these 10 that we're gonna name.
what I want to apply to each, like what does this one need? What does that one need? So you might need to write it down. Which one would work better with that Just be mindful of that because I know I approach each of my kids. I'm going to be like, oh, what's going on with you versus you? And then what do you need? What do I need to feed into this moment to build that relationship? So I just want to throw that out there. Yeah, I love that. OK, so number two is spend one on one time daily with the kids. Now when I see that, doesn't that like
Well, how can I do that? Like I immediately think of everyone. We're driving to see different directions and they got all their stuff in school. So, so to me, what that looks like Sarah is just even just 10 to 15 minutes, just undivided attention, right? No different than I love it from you. Like I love it if you and I have about 10 minutes to even connect.

Kyle And Sara Wester (11:27.330)
That makes a completely different ending to the day, right? If we're able to stop, look at it, how was your day? We actually have a conversation. So even if that looks like in the car, as we're driving, I reach back and I touch, you know, one of our kids on the leg and just say, hey, it's good to see you. How was your day? Right. And just able to really connect that way. It could look like just sitting on the couch for a minute before we start getting ready for the day. I might be putting my arm around them and just for a minute, like hugging them and just chatting with them. But what's some other ways you would do?
Yeah, I think, and again, I want to throw out there, it doesn't have to be 10 consecutive minutes. And then you can fit it into what works best for you. So I try in the morning to get something in in the morning, even a couple minutes of an intentional good morning. You're really great at that. So Kyle, that is his time. He's really great about connecting with them in the morning. And even if it's a couple moments.
of just an intentional good morning, giving them a hug, saying hi, and then the bustle of the day starts, right? I love the nighttime. So I am very intentional about, sometimes that may be just a minute, sometimes it may be I can get 10 minutes in, but that's really hard, right? So I at least try to do a little bit of a meaningful check-in at nighttime. So the car, dinnertime, right when they get home,
you know, just look for the times each child's a little bit different about those moments of connection, but have a couple minutes of eye contact and touch and, and intentionality to it. I know even our oldest is learning how to drive. even lots of time there driving her back and forth as she's driving, getting a chance just to kind of connect with her about how that's going. And so, so important. Once again, it will work for any relationship. you do that. Okay. Number three, listen without fixing.
things right without trying to fix the problems. So this is hard guys. Yeah. Most of the times your kids are actually coming to you with their problems or telling you about their day, not to fix it, but just cause they want you to listen and hear and really hold it with them, you know, and the mistake lots of us make that actually this moment becomes a withdrawal rather than a positive just like in marriage is we start trying to fix the problem. Yep. I did that one just yesterday. My daughter. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. She came to me and, and it was

Kyle And Sara Wester (13:47.426)
You know, you immediately jump into, I know what to do for this. Just do this, this and this. And that just made it 10 times worse. And luckily she was in a space where she could say, I just wanted you to listen. So I like, oh, I'm so sorry. And I just stopped talking and I just listened. And that's true. As soon as we do, we call up that friend, not for their brilliant advice. There are times for that, but a lot of times we just need someone who can just validate our story, who can hear our story and witness our story. And that's all we need.
So do that. That's great. So number three, listen without fixing. Number four, honor their feelings. Let your children know that all their emotions are okay. Even the messy ones. And once again, Sarah, this is where I have many times this turned into a withdrawal rather than a deposit. You know, they came to me upset about something and I immediately jumped into that's not something worth being upset about or why are you upset about that? Especially, mean, like even I'm sure I've probably even said this. I have something like,
Do you know what's happening in the world right now? Do you know what other kids are going through? Yeah. And they don't need me to minimize their feelings. They're just wanting me to honor them. And that has been such a powerful way, such a quick way to, think that's almost like, if you almost put this in like money terms, that's like a big deposit. know, like they come with you with their messy feelings and you just honor it and you just hold it with them. You don't even need to agree, disagree. You can take all that off the table. Just.
Be there for that is a huge deposit that goes in the bank for sharing. Yes. You for sharing that that that yeah. Once again, think about how you personally feel about that. When a friend does that for you or a spouse does that for you, you're like, Oh, that was so nice. I'm so glad to get, and once again, it builds trust. It helps them know I can come to you and I can get that, that connection I need from you in that moment. So honoring their feelings is number four. And when they're little, um, just this came to my mind.
Um, when one of my kids had really, really big feelings, I would just hold her because the words weren't going to work and all the things weren't fixing it. And, um, there would come this point where I could feel that, okay, okay. It's shifted. And she really just, that was, I just needed to honor her feelings, you know? So when they're little like that, it might just look like sitting and when they're big too, but you know, when they're little, can.

Kyle And Sara Wester (16:12.546)
hold them like literally fix physically hold them. Yeah, that's great. So number five, this can be hard, right? For some parents have your heart say I am sorry when needed. Yeah. Okay. So modeling humility and repair when you mess up. Cause once again, think about it this way. Dr. Dan Siegel talks about when we have these blowups with our kids or conflicts that happen, he calls them toxic rupture. So it's kind of like something talks, it's happened to the relationship. So
there you know you've withdrawn a lot of money in the bank. I knew that was gonna happen. I knew there was gonna be moments I was gonna blow up with the kids and I needed to get really good at coming back and it's not just saying I'm sorry. It's like really coming back and saying hey that that that was messed up the way I handled that I'm not proud of that and I'd really like to say I'm sorry about that and and that
I don't know. I don't know about you. I did not grow up in a home, Sarah, where I'm sorry, it was hardly ever said, you know, like I think old school parenting was rarely did parents say that, you know, typically it was like, I'm right, no matter what, even when I'm wrong, I'm right, right? So I did not want to have a home where the kids had a parent who wouldn't be too afraid to do that, right? I wanted to model the humility that I mess up and I own it. And I think that goes away with for almost goes a long way with almost every kid I see.
When I help them, helping kids, when they have parents who do that, they trust them because they know that mom and dad won't just blame them for all the problems, but will own their own problems. And even going back to my example yesterday, we actually didn't have a blow up, you know? I mean, I just was like, oh, I'm sorry. You just needed me to listen. And so I would say you can look for those big obvious, maybe I yelled at you and I need to apologize for yelling.
But there's also times maybe, oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you needed me here. just look for those little things too that are meaningful to you if your spouse doesn't do something or if your spouse misses you. When they notice that and they say, you know what I realized today that would have helped you or I'm sorry I wasn't there for you in this way. Those are meaningful too. just to. uh

Kyle And Sara Wester (18:24.354)
So I want to recap the first five we did give genuine specific encouragement. Number two, spend one on one time daily. Listen. Number three, listen without fixing for honor feelings. Number five, say I'm sorry when needed. And I want to say real quick, if you're listening to this podcast right now and you're saying, man, I want to change some of these uh struggles within our family, I want to create a family where we're more deeply connected, where we're not using fear. m
or punishment to control their behavior. But instead we're raising kids that are self-disciplined, who know how to communicate their needs and desires and wants. And it's really a beautiful thing. If you're saying that I would love to have some one-on-one help with that on how to do that better, I would love to do that for you. So reach out to me at Kyle at artofraisinghumans.com. And I would love to set up a time to see if coaching is the best way to help you because really it will transform your family. it's parenting is just not something that's meant to be done alone.
And it's only through fantastic coaching that we have had personally that we have been able to create the family that we only dreamed of. Okay. So I want to get on the number six. So number six is keep promises like, oh so follow through and show your children that they can trust your word. I mean, that is big. When you say you're going to do something. Yeah.
You're going to do it. I promises almost gives it to it's really just about saying if you say, Hey, I'm going to do this with you or later on we'll go here or I, you make sure you're following through on that. That that's such an important piece of trust in any relationship. The little, the little things. it feels just like such a betrayal. Yeah. When you say we're going to end in too many times, I know this happens. like parents are strategically going, I will not keep my word, but it's, ends up, we just get too busy.
And pretty soon we don't realize how often the busyness of life or the frustrations you're having. There's been many times where I've wanted to do something with the kids when they were little and then all of a a conflict happened and I blew up and then I'm like, I don't want to do that anymore, right? And it looks like there's good reason not to follow through with the things we said we're going to do. But I think kids, they remember that and they start to go, I can't trust what you say we're going to do. And kind of going back to the apology part, if you've said, I'm sorry,

Kyle And Sara Wester (20:40.258)
I'm going to do this, this, this. Okay. It's good. You they're to be watching you to do that. If you say we're to conflict different from now on, they're going to be watching to see if you actually do that. And you don't even need to do a perfect, just be like, you know what? I said I was going to do that and then I didn't do it. You know, I'm sorry. Just know I'm working on it. These are the steps I'm doing, especially with older, the older you're
your kids are the more important these conversations are going to be in the more they can handle those details. Yeah, no, that's a good I didn't even think of that. How many times do the kids say, I don't like it when you do this? Oh, yeah, I'll change that. And then you don't. That's really good. So yeah, I think that's, I was almost thinking more about saying we're going to do something or go to an event. But I think actually, the bigger way to deposit that is like when you say you're going to make change, that the kids ask you that you actually do it. Yeah. Okay. And then number number eight, uh or number seven is
celebrate the small victories. So catch the good stuff, catch the good stuff, even tiny products. So when I was thinking of this, Sarah, I was thinking how I would do this and the ways in which I make deposits is just even stuff like, man, when uh my son uh somehow like uh he does a task that I didn't even expect him to do, but he did it. And it's like, whoa, and I want to say, dude, thank you so much for doing that, man. That was really helpful, you or something like
I'll notice even when I'm going to the store, maybe I'm thinking, I just want to go to store by myself. But when the kids say, dad, can I go with you? And I'm like, okay, okay, I'll go. And then they go. then the whole time, I'm thinking in my head, you know what, this is actually really nice. I'm so glad they came. So I purposely when we get home say, thank you so much for coming. Like that you going with you was so much better than going by myself. So I'm so glad you suggested you coming along. And I think those kind of moments, I know they feel really good for me. But I bet they're also great deposits.
And just make sure you don't say, Oh, I noticed you did the dishes because all the other times you don't, you know, just, just celebrate the moment. I don't care if it's one small thing. I'm telling you, if you want the benefit of it, you need to just notice it. because once again, when they mess up, we'll notice that and we'll talk about it. So the idea, really shine a light on you. Like even like if the siblings are playing well together and you see one of them be really kind to the other, you know, you might even just later on that night when you're doing the one-on-one time to say,

Kyle And Sara Wester (22:56.386)
Hey, you know what today that was really cool to see you help your sister out. Yeah, she really loved that she really responded well to that, you know, and like just the kid goes, Oh, well, that's awesome. You see it when I do those things too. Yeah. So celebrating the small victories. So number eight, this one is really fun. I think every listener will love this one is just share laughter. Yeah.
share laughter, silly, have inside jokes, have silly moments. Sometimes dance like an idiot with them, right? Sing some silly song with them in the car, right? Laughter is powerful and really important in a to connect, Yeah. I mean, they talk about that all the time in marriage. I think that's so huge in a marriage. If we can laugh together, then we can also get through moments where we're crying together, you know? And all too often as the kids get older, things become more serious, and all our conversations about
things we need to do rather than just laughing. mean, I'm looking back, I'm even thinking so many moments with my mom where she was just being silly and how safe I felt with her because she was just being like a goofball in those moments. So definitely share laughter. Number nine, give physical affection. Hugs, pats on the back, high fives. These can speak volumes and really be such great ways to connect and deposit more money in the bank.
Yeah. You can look up how many hugs you need a day just to get by versus build health and relationship and stuff. Yeah. All that. It's very, very important. Don't underestimate it. Don't let that slide. Don't forget about it. Well, even I think this one is such a good way to also assess where the relationships at. Okay. Like there's a lot of times I'm seeing kids that are like 10, 11, 12, 13, maybe you can relate to this and they'll just say, Oh, I just don't like hugs. Yeah. Well, that's like kids come out of the womb into the world. And the first thing that they want to do is be held.
Because being hugged is a human need no matter your age. Exactly. And a lot of times I'll say to the teenage boy or specifically it'll be like a teenage boy and I'll say, so if you had a girlfriend, would you want to hug from her? be like, yeah. somehow they've said, I don't want to hug from mom. I don't want to hug from dad. And it's almost like this cultural thing. I've heard parents say it. They're like, oh, he's reaching that preteen. He doesn't want hugs anymore. What that tells me is there might be a lot of different things going on there, but it partly might be saying I'm in the red.

Kyle And Sara Wester (25:16.270)
You know, that somehow the kid doesn't see the affection, the reaching out is something that's beneficial, that they don't trust it. know? Yeah, because that's a very vulnerable feeling. so, yeah, if you feel like you have to protect yourself, you're not going to be in that vulnerable space. So you want to focus on the other ones, but keep that in mind because you want to, you know the value and the importance of that in a relationship. Yeah, yeah, it is important. So hugging, but even if you start out with high fives, just going like, I were going by and just rubbing their back or patting their back, all of those ways are ways to deposit money.
Now number 10 is let them teach you something. You know, like I love this because so many times parents are caught up in being the teacher that actually think about it. The best teachers you had were the best learners, meaning that they were hungry to constantly keep learning. And so the ability for the kid to have something they know that they're better at than you, that is such a cool thing for the kid. know, so, so like asking for their help or expertise really empowers them.
and deepens their respect for you because you're willing to say, I need help and you're smarter than me on this. Yeah, there there's always, mean, uh obviously, pride technology is an easy one. But if you're just like, Hey, let me watch you play this video game. Yeah. do you do this? know, your daughters, maybe whatever their interests are, there's something there that they can show you if it's a soccer move or a dance move. Yeah. Ask them to show you. Yeah. And
And it's really powerful to let me see if I can try and they see how they're excelling and you can just watch them shine in that moment. It's really fun. Well, I want to recap those. So number six was keep promises. Number seven was celebrate the small victories. Number eight, share laughter. Number nine, give physical affection. And number 10, let them teach you something. Now the bottom line to all this is when the relationship is strong, when the money is good in the bank, you are in the black.
everything else such as cooperation, discipline, growth, it all becomes so much easier and so much more natural. There's a lot less misunderstandings, a lot less friction, all that stuff, things just run smoother. It's almost like for another metaphor, it's like you put really good oil in the car and the whole engine just runs better. Whereas when there's no money in the bank, it's like there's no oil in the car, everything is gonna be much clunkier and gonna be much louder, right?

Kyle And Sara Wester (27:40.206)
And so relationships are the heart of parenting. It's really the foundation of everything we do when we're coaching parents is that relationship has got to be solid. So let's make sure that you're investing in it every day. So I hope with these 10, you're already thinking about how, man, I want to do that one with this kid, or I got to do more of those because I'm telling you will see a dramatic shift. If you just for the next couple of months, start doing some of these 10 each day.
you will start seeing more cooperation. You'll start seeing communication be easier. All those kinds of things will be the fruit that comes from it. Yeah. It's a lot of fun and you get that reward back and you see the relationship growing. see your children shining and it's something where it's again, if we just can put in the effort, the payoff is so big. Well, and also if you have another idea that you want us to cover, email me at Kyle at Art of Raising Humans and say,
Hey, could you cover this topic? Because that's how this one came about. And uh we look forward to being able to take more of those comments like we have throughout the podcast time and use those as ways to help support you on your parenting journey. So thank you so much for listening to us today. We appreciate you.
Give me a chance to do that. Thank you. Do you mind taking the chair?

Kyle And Sara Wester (29:6.548)
Okay here we go so intro to this episode we'll do take one hopefully it's the only take I'm doing all right we will see here okay okay Ellie I'm gonna talk okay okay take one

Kyle And Sara Wester (29:22.306)
Are you noticing a lot of conflict in your relationship with your kids? Like you're asking simple things and it's like so difficult for anything to get done or constantly there's pushback or tension or friction in the relationship. Well, maybe your RBA is pretty low. What is your RBA? Well, we're gonna dive into that because that is a crucial part of parenting. You wanna have a really strong, healthy RBA. And in this episode in particular, we're gonna give you 10 specific things you can start doing today.
that is going to create so much more ease within the relationship, more cooperation, more just communication is gonna be easier. So many things are gonna get better if you just take these 10 and start implementing them immediately after you listen to this podcast. So I know you're gonna get some really helpful tips today. I would love you to take a moment to please pause, write a comment, or definitely rate this podcast, share it with a friend because all of that helps more.
parents be able to have access to this type of information. So get ready, get your notepads ready, get ready to pick and listen to these 10 ways to help get your RBA up. And I guarantee you it's going to help you today. So have a great time listening to this podcast.