Episode 196

Episode 196 Transcript:

Kyle Wester (31:47.874)
All of us as parents have done and said things that we regret. And we have sat there and beaten ourselves up ⁓ and shame has come and told us you're not good enough and you're messing up. And ⁓ that voice can be so loud. But Sarah and I, do they want to talk about how in our culture today, ⁓ there is this real pendulum swing to almost kind of being flippant of like, yeah, you're not perfect. ⁓ Just forgive yourself and move on. And ⁓ there's something really missing in that.
And so Sarah and I wanted to spend today just kind of helping ⁓ work through that with you and kind of help you see that it isn't one or the other, that I think there is a more healthy middle ground that we really want to tackle that helps you actually be the parent that you want to be. But it also isn't just saying, yeah, we all mess up. We all make mistakes, which is all true. ⁓ But there's more that there really is some responsibility that it needs to be taken in our journey as parents. But
beating ourselves up isn't the way. So we're gonna show you another, we're gonna give you four specific steps that you can be taking today ⁓ to take the mess ups in your life and actually turn them into growth and into healthy ⁓ dynamics in your family. And it's gonna actually help you if you do these four steps, you can actually give them to your kid and it's gonna completely change how they do it with themselves in their own thoughts, in their own life, ⁓ with themselves personally and with other people, their future spouses or friends.
So on and so forth. if you haven't already take a moment to please rate, review the podcast. If the podcast is helping you, we'd love for you to point that out with a five star review and maybe a comment about how this has been helping you personally or your family. Cause those definitely helped the podcast to grow and change and really believe this podcast is going to help you see your parenting in 2026 in a different way. So I hope you enjoy the episode.

Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle. Hi there everyone. I'm Sarah. And Sarah, we want to make sure we do some business stuff up front real quick. You know, we've been talking about the Tina Payne Bryson awesome conference coming up at Riverfield. So that's been moved from January 26 to some date in the spring. And they're doing that to make sure there's more time to get the word out and get the agenda figured out. So once we get that...
We will be telling you on here and also on our socials, you know, what's going on, because we want to make sure as many people as possible hear about that. But there is another exciting thing that we're doing. And in February, Sarah and I are planning to go be with Dr. Siegel and Dr. Payne Bryson. ⁓ They're doing a whole cool conference in San Diego called The Whole Brain Child 2.0. So it's been, it's been almost a decade since that book came out.
Yeah, and they've learned a lot more and we get to learn that. So what we're gonna do is we're gonna go learn that and then bring all that information back to you. So be looking for that. I think we might even do some like Instagram lives and all that kind of stuff as we're at the conference. ⁓ We'll see. Well, maybe we'll tell you how ⁓ the flights are going and all types of craziness. But anyway, so we'll do that. we definitely that's part of the journey that Sarah and I do for you as the listeners is we love to go educate ourselves and learn more.
from people that are in the industry with us and constantly up to date on the new parenting tools, techniques, and the science behind the brain and all that stuff. And so that way then you guys, if you keep listening to us, you'll be able to be up to date on those kinds of things as well. Okay, so today what we wanted to talk about was something you and I have been discussing ⁓ for quite some time. That it's a big deal when you look on social media, ⁓ when you think about parenting ⁓ in this generation of parenting, ⁓ There's a really
good movements ⁓ of getting away from the shame of messing up. Right. And that being the motivator, the, ⁓ you bad parent, do this better kind of thing. ⁓ which ⁓ parents, we can feel that anyway, right? We notice our mistakes. We notice we're messing up. Or when our child acts a certain way, our teenager has a problem, our adult child has a problem. We think, what did I do? I messed this up. This is my fault.

Kyle Wester (2:9.676)
And we feel really terrible. that parent guilt that everyone talks about. That parent guilt, that shame doesn't help us, right? It doesn't help us be better parents. Lots of times what it causes us to do is to withdraw or beat ourselves up. And we've all been there. We've all been there. So there is this kind of trend ⁓ where kind of this statement might resonate. Forgive yourself. You're doing great. Yeah. So I remember when we started talking about it, I kind of came to you and said, you know, this thing is just kind of bugging me.
And I had seen someone who on social media was a gigantic following and a parenting person. ⁓ And they said that there was something to the equivalent of it. And something in me just goes, yeah, but I don't know. It just doesn't. ⁓ Maybe it feels good for a second, almost like a band-aid, ⁓ but there was something missing. And so we started talking more and more about it, kind of hashing through it. And I ⁓ even talked to some other moms like, what do you, you know, kind of
playing through, you hear something and you just gotta roll it around in your head for a while. Yeah, and so it feels comforting at first, right? Yeah. But the problem is it's kinda, it sounds to us a little bit hollow, a little dismissive, and even it was a little irritating, you know, when you brought it up. You know, this idea of almost like, it's no big deal, we all mess up, right? And once again, there's some truth to that, which is like, that's great, beating yourself up isn't helpful.
but seems like there's more to it, you know? Yeah, I think that's why I had to think about it because I thought there's a piece of this I really believe, but then there's a piece that I feel something missing. Something inside of me goes, ⁓ there's still something, there's more to it than just forgive yourself. Yeah. And I love this quote you found. When forgiveness shows up too early, it doesn't feel relieving. It feels invalidating. Yeah. You know, it almost seems like when I hear, when I'm coaching parents ⁓ and these kinds of thoughts come up, it's almost like we're
We're missing an opportunity, you know, that moment happened, yeah, and you messed up, and that moment isn't there to beat yourself up, but it does seem like there's something that could be gleaned from it, that we could grow from it as individuals, but also with our kids, and it's something we need to model to our kids, because they're gonna mess up, and we don't want them just flippantly saying, oh, what's a big deal? I mean, we all mess up, who cares? Right, I think that was the piece that it took me a minute to really put my finger on, because...

Kyle Wester (4:23.726)
The fight I worked with parents who had really messed up, right? The court had, mean, they had really messed up and maybe even lost their kids and things. But, um, but, and I know that the real healing was not, forgive yourself. That only got them so far. And I think that also was what really, I don't know, charged me in this area to think even for me, just if I mess up and go, okay, I forgive myself for that. It does leave this hollow. It's like a step is missing.
Yeah. And it doesn't truly complete the circle and ⁓ you don't feel that sense of completion with it. ⁓ like you said, I love when you said you don't even want your kids doing that. know. Yeah. You know, I mean, the second they go, yeah. ⁓ sorry. you feel like, wait, wait, no, that wasn't enough. Something's missing there. ⁓ And, and I, talk a lot about true repair and I think it's even hitting that. So
So yeah, we thought this was a really meaningful topic because I hear it so much. timely in my mom's stuff. There's so much about mom guilt and just the don't feel guilty. Forgive yourself. Isn't, isn't hitting it enough. So this isn't about letting yourself off the hook. It's about releasing the shame ⁓ after taking responsibility. And you and I believe that forgiveness is really powerful, but only when it follows some reflection, some repair and growth.
⁓ Otherwise, we've all been there with our kids. just becomes this, said, I'm sorry, like, I'm sorry. You know, just like, yeah, but nothing ever got repaired. No one learned from this. You know, it's just bound to kind of happen again. Right. ⁓ So this whole podcast is all about what to do, you know, like the deeper side of this. And so we're really excited because it's really good one. Well, first of all, let's talk about why forgiveness, just, just forgiving yourself, just making that the goal often kind of falls flat. Right. So like parents,
Parents already know they're human. We all know we're human. We all know we make mistakes. But what they're actually caring is guilt, regret, and fear that they're messing up their kids. I mean, that's huge. I know I have been there when I've yelled at my kids, like, oh my gosh, when I've heard my kids say what I said or yelled at the TV because the sports thing wasn't going their way, like, what am I doing to my kids? This is so ridiculous. So you get this like guttural fear and shame that I'm really screwing them up.

Kyle Wester (6:41.366)
Yeah. And I think that pause to see that is really, really important. We don't want to jump to, forgive myself. those things are, those are messages to us. We actually want to kind of turn to them for a second and go, I feel some guilt. ⁓ I'm worried. I'm messing my kid up. Those, those things need attention. They don't need just sweeping away. ⁓ And I think a lot of what we've heard in our culture has been, cause some people would just sit in that and they would just have this like, ⁓
this dark moment, they beat themselves up ⁓ and somehow they make themselves feel like crap and think that's gonna help. That's not what we, that's not helpful at all, right? ⁓ But then there's this other flip to the pendulum of, ⁓ don't worry about it, no big deal, we're all human, right? ⁓ And there you're kind of like forgiving yourself, which is good, but without any context, without any learning. So that's what we don't wanna flippantly just say, don't worry about it or.
basically like kind of lower the bar or stop caring so much like these kind of things. feels like it's kind of saying there's a PC it goes oh I just need to check out from that yeah and that feeling is there to talk to us so we don't want to sit in it and we don't want to dismiss it yeah because it's there for a reason and there's something I think deep inside of us we try to dismiss it it just keeps coming back we can't truly just dismiss it so
we want to actually do something, ⁓ not sit in it, we want to move with that. Well, and you're really describing my journey early on, Sarah, when we were, know, ⁓ parenting the kids when they were very small. And my goal was, I needed to stop getting so mad. I needed to stop yelling at them, you know? And so at first, I had this like,
weird high expectation that the goal was never to get mad, never to yell. So it was kind of an unrealistic expectation. And you're a bad parent every time you did. Yes, yeah. so I was getting really good at doing something my parents didn't necessarily do all that often, which was own it, say, I'm sorry, right? That was good. But I remember one day when I said it to Abby and Abby said, dad, you're really good at saying you're sorry, but why don't you just change it? You know? And so then I was like, yeah.

Kyle Wester (8:39.778)
this thing that I'm doing isn't really changing it. continue almost on a daily basis. I keep messing up in this area. And when I got curious about it, I noticed because there was a lot of shame around it, but I also didn't know how to get out of that, right? So ⁓ I would seek forgiveness. I would try to forgive myself, but then I would just keep making the same mistakes over and over again, right? And so it ⁓ isn't that parents need permission. Like I didn't need permission to care less about
Like I think what I cared about was important, right? But they need permission to keep caring without being crushed by shame. And that's what I was doing. Like in my effort, I kept getting crushed by the shame and I knew I needed to let go of that shame, but I also needed to change. So that brings us to the third point where the brain science kind of helps us understand this better, right? Yeah, it's really cool. It's why premature forgiveness will always backfire. ⁓ The brain is wired for learning through feedback.
and not through shame. ⁓ So if we want to actually literally wire our brain to do it differently, we can't sit in the shame. But we also don't want to just flippantly just say, ⁓ that's just you being you or that's just, ⁓ you you're just humans. ⁓ Yeah, just kind of blowing it off. Yeah, every kid's gonna go to counsel for something anyway. Exactly. Yeah, everyone. mean, ⁓ yeah, I mean, the basically the reason why the shame is such a problem is because shame will activate this threat system in us where we will go to fight, flight or freeze.
We'll get defensive. I'm sure every listener has been in that experience. We've been defensive about something you did ⁓ or we're gonna withdraw and or kind of become over controlling, you know, so these are kind of the outcomes defensiveness we withdraw which I know I would do I try to just I think a lot of dads do that where they just stay at work longer or they try to avoid those interactions because they think maybe they're better off shame will say maybe they're better off without you because you keep messing up ⁓ or ⁓ You say forget that I'm just gonna become more controlling
And that way then I feel like I have ⁓ a better chance to get the outcome I want, you know, but none of those things are going to help you learn and grow. ⁓ So when we act, when we skip that step, that is so important of reflection and we jump straight to reassurance where we're here that again, we don't want to skip the step of reflection and jump straight to reassurance. ⁓ If you do that, the brain doesn't integrate the learning, you know, that the same patterns.

Kyle Wester (10:59.768)
will just get repeated over and over again. And then the guilt and shame will resurface later, ⁓ often stronger. And I definitely was doing that. ⁓ Yeah, because our brains, it's like, we have to address all the pieces and we miss those pieces. Then you just see that happening over and over. You see it happening with our children. think all of us, there's something in this that when you say that goes, ⁓ that's what it is. ⁓ That's what's happening. ⁓
And, it's just the way our brain is wired to operate. so we have to pay attention, you know, we have to look and we, can't dismiss it. can't sit in it because we don't learn. love that. I love that. Even though even, man, you go everywhere and people do try to use shame. School tries to use shame. You should be ashamed of yourself. You're such a, know, we, ⁓ or we'll beat ourselves up. We're trying to use that as a motivator. And it just, it's not, it's not how our brain, our brain needs to learn. ⁓
and it needs new wiring and that is not gonna rewire. Yeah. And so for sure, know, especially as counselors, when we've counseled people, right? We can see the power that shame does. And so I'm so glad that in our culture, we're moving away from that, right? But once again, we see this kind of pendulum shift to where it becomes this kind of flippant, just forgive yourself and just let it go. And I think if you're listening and you've tried that, you know, that doesn't really work. Yeah. And I will say, I think it's well intentioned. Yeah.
I think it is real because man, we're so hard on ourselves. All the mom guilt, you know, I'm going to talk because a lot of this I'm hearing context of mom guilt, right? And these are really great people who really want to help moms out because moms are just beating themselves up for all the things they're not able to do good enough, right? Cause it's impossible. And so they're beating themselves up. And I think it's well intentioned to go, Hey, don't sit in that. think that's their intent. It's just to relieve all of that.
and guilt and shame that it's going to you up. It's going to make you keep repeating those same patterns. But then I think that next step is missing. And so it's never going to work just to say, don't feel bad. Yeah. And shame will say, you are bad. Shame will say, you're a bad parent. But what responsibility is saying is different. It's saying, something didn't go the way I wanted. And so what can I learn from it? And once again, ⁓ Sarah and I are big on us changing first and then helping our kids change. That's exactly what you want your kids doing.

Kyle Wester (13:19.564)
You don't want your kids, they make a mistake, going, God, I'm a horrible kid, or ⁓ I'm such a mistake, or I mess up all the time. ⁓ But you do want them being able to move the shame out of the way so then they can actually reflect and learn from it. And if you have a petted paper, I would encourage you to write this statement down because this was so good. ⁓ Self-forgiveness that skips responsibility doesn't calm the nervous system, it confuses it. ⁓
I mean, that's really, really good. So we try to dismiss it. We're actually confusing ourselves. Right? It's kind of like, wait, I did something. I shouldn't feel bad. Oh, I don't know what to do. And it is, I think it does leave you of, I don't know. Yeah. You can tell it's incomplete. Something in you knows something's incomplete. You're like, I think there's more that needs to be done here. Right? So that's what we want to do, Sarah. We want to step in now to give our listeners four steps that they can take that actually are helpful.
to give you relief and also grow and change. Okay. it's like, okay, now we know that let's step into this. So number one is awareness. What was happening for me in that moment? So asking that question to raise your awareness. So pause and honestly, this will get better with practice. I don't know if you haven't done this a whole lot, it can feel kind of clunky and odd because you're, you're in the moment, right? Everything's fired up.
but you've got to practice and if you don't do it in that moment, just reflect back later. Just go wait, what was happening? And you really want to think about what your body was feeling, what was going through your mind. ⁓ You want to play through it, take your time. Watch the film. It's kind of, yeah, watch the film. Take a moment to look at the Some people really, it really would help you just to journal. What is that pulling up? Because it's not even the moment. Just, I know we've talked a lot about this. ⁓ It's not just going to be the moment. There's something inside of you deeper from a long time ago. ⁓ A lot of times that...
is getting triggered in that moment. Well, you and I have talked about in past episodes, Sarah, just about even when our kids would complain and how that would trigger something in us and then we would start coming back. Shame would start coming out of our mouth. ⁓ And then we'd be like, then we shame ourselves. Why do I continue to do it to my kids? But when we stopped and reflect, it's like, ⁓ our families never let us complain.

Kyle Wester (15:27.918)
You know, if we, if we tried to complain, of a survival, don't complain. Exactly. Yeah. It was like, just shut that down. It was like, why do our kids feel like they can complain about things? you know, and so was, was a reflection. We learned, Oh, it's cause the little kid in me is saying, I didn't get to do that. You shouldn't get to do that. Or somehow if you do that, it's you're not being grateful or you're being whatever it might
You're spoiled or you're whatever. ⁓ It wasn't a positive thing. through that awareness then we can go through step two which is taking responsibility. So basically then you're and once again think about if you had kids who did this this is what you're wanting to show them. You want them to take responsibility. What was mine to own without attacking yourself right? So like ⁓ you're thinking like what part did I play in that you know? Yeah so ⁓ I want to say that
I don't know, it's that non-judgmental. If your best friend comes to you and says, really messed up today with my daughter, you ⁓ love your friend and you hear it with this different heart. It wouldn't be like, you're such a horrible person. You'd be like, okay, well, honey, this and this was going on. This and remember that happened in your childhood. So that's how you kind of want to treat yourself. ⁓ Go, what was going on for me? And it's this curiosity and this investigating not to beat yourself up. ⁓
And the beating yourself up will just make it harder to take responsibility. And if you see kids do this, it's very ⁓ obvious. They'll avoid this part of the conversation with parents lots of times because it does ⁓ turn into a lecture where the parent is going to tell them all the bad things. That's why as adults, many times we experience that and we don't want to do it. ⁓ So instead, learn the art of becoming aware of it and then taking responsibility for the part that you played in it without attacking yourself. And it is just about you. It's not about
anything that happened with the other person, just reflecting on yourself. And you'll actually notice more if you can lean into a non-judgmental curiosity of looking at yourself and how you were in the moment, you'll actually learn more and you'll see better things because your brain will be in a state of not feeling attacked and defensive, but curious. it'll go, oh, well, oh, I remember this and I see that now. That's really good. And so the step three would be move towards repair. So what does my child need now?

Kyle Wester (17:43.288)
connection, clarity, and apology, reassurance, whatever. ⁓ lots of times I think we skip it. If you're thinking about the steps, Sarah, lots of times we may have this awareness that something needs to be done, but we jump right to this, right to repair, right? Without this being an important step, that before the repair, I want to think what part did I plan it, what part do I want to own, and that's why it would lead to a lot of times these conversations when you have with the kids that are part of the follow-up, I would ask my kids instead of saying, what could you have done differently? I'd say,
What do think I could have done differently? ⁓ And many times they're more willing to do that. And that was part of the repair process, was me saying, okay, so you'd rather me to have done X, Y, and Z. Okay, cool, and then what could you have done differently? And then the kid is more willing to because they see it's safe to. They see that they won't get attacked. And then real repair can happen because now we can both ⁓ ask forgiveness or apologize for those specific things that really upset us or really hurt us.
Yeah, it clarifies the moment. ⁓ I think kids understand because once we have that true awareness of what was happening inside of us, then when we go move into repair, it's an important step because repair is going to go very, very differently. ⁓ Now I see what my part was. ⁓ it's really, ⁓ that's the most important thing. It's not even ⁓ fixing your child, correcting your child. ⁓ As they watch you, ⁓ they learn so much. So as they watch you have that insight ⁓ and
come to them and repair and make a plan, they are gonna see that modeling and they're gonna learn better than anything you could teach them. Yeah, So, so far we've got awareness, responsibility, repair, and then the fourth step would be growth. So then the growth is after that repair has happened, then now you're in the prefrontal cortex, now you're not consumed with shame, now there's not all this like toxic stuff between you and your kid, now real growth can happen and you can start thinking, how would I, how do I wish I would have done that?
How do I want to do that differently next time I approach that problem? And then there, what I found, Sarah's lot of parents become much more creative. All of a sudden they're like, oh, I can see, I could have totally done this. But in that moment, you didn't see that before. And so I want listeners to hear this, actually are, as you start to increase your imagination and understanding what could have happened, you actually start opening up new pathways in your brain to go, oh, that's another possibility that I didn't even think of.

Kyle Wester (20:5.102)
And again, you're doing this with your child, so you're making a plan together. And as they see you doing that, they're thinking, okay, I could do this. And they're helping you come up with ideas, you're helping them come up, and you're creating a plan together for whatever that situation is. Sometimes this growth would happen with us in our conversations. I might even say, well, I can't quite see what I could have done differently. I don't like what I did. I went and repaired it with the kids. I took responsibility for my part, but what else could I have done?
and then you would suggest something, I'd be like, yeah, that seems really obvious. I don't know why I couldn't see it, but because we came from two completely different families, different backgrounds, we have different brains, so you were able to see a different outcome. That's why these moments can also be really growing moments between you and your spouse as you encourage and help each other to make these changes. Okay, so I want you to hear this, that forgiveness ⁓ isn't the starting point. Forgiveness is just the exhale after all the works being done, right? You finally get to be, ⁓ it feels good.
to be able to let that go. And this is where parents feel relief and hope. And that's where you actually get the motivation to change and to move forward instead of just collapsing in on yourself and being upset with yourself. ⁓ Okay, so next let's talk about why parents though sometimes they're ⁓ like why they stay stuck if they don't do these steps. Like that's kind of what we felt was happening as we heard these kind of statements. I think parents are gonna stay stuck if they don't really go through this. And I think that the first trap
is you just get caught up in endless self-criticism. Parents like, I can speak for myself, we replay these moments over and over in our mind. ⁓ they think guilt and shame will somehow keep them accountable. Because lots of times that's what was used when we were kids was ⁓ the shame would be the thing. If I feel bad enough about it, that will make me not want to do it again. ⁓ But that's not actually how we work. When I feel bad about it, I do bad things. ⁓ I don't do good things. ⁓
But it actually that feeling bad and that beating myself up actually drains ⁓ my capacity and my clarity to make changes. Yeah. And in the brain, I mean, if that's your focus, then that's what you're wiring for is I'm a bad person because I do this, I do this, I do this, I'm a bad person, I do this. Right. So what are you growing in your brain versus, okay, I see that didn't like it. I'm going to make a different.

Kyle Wester (22:24.334)
plan, now I'm going to do this. ⁓ And if my attention is on what I'm going to do and moving in this other direction, then I'm wiring that direction. ⁓ with that comes that, I love that exhale they mentioned, because then you have that exhale and you can feel like, okay, I'm moving in a direction that I want to go. ⁓ Not resisting a direction I don't want to go. Yeah. You know what I'm thinking about too, Sarah, is a lot of people I around the new years have decided to...
Work out more, work out more, eat better, do ⁓ that. This is same stuff, right? Like it doesn't, if you mess up your diet or you don't go work out as, like you beating yourself up, nobody would say, that's really good. That's going to be helpful, right? So that endless self criticism is trap number one. Trap number two though, is we end up giving ourselves this empty reassurance, you know? Parents hear, you're doing great. ⁓ Come on, like, but nothing changes. There's no real change that happens.
and they start to feel unseen because growth is missing. ⁓ know, speak to that. They feel unseen because growth is missing. I don't know if you've ever had that feeling where you've done something and people, someone will say, well-meaning, they'll be like, don't worry about it. That's great. You know, but there's something in you is as hard as you try not to worry about it. You, you do. And it's that whole trying to dismiss it thing. It's like, it's not a big deal. ⁓
It doesn't, it doesn't work. It's actually turning towards it for a moment and doing something with it. ⁓ Not sitting in it, but doing something with it that that brings that. Yeah. So it's, it's important to not fall into endless self criticism ⁓ or empty reassurance. And so now what we want to do is you want to start reframing that phrase that we talked about the beginning, right? Like forgive yourself ⁓ as a standalone phrase. It's just incomplete. It's kind of empty. So forgive yourself. Yeah, know, forgive yourself. That sounds good. Like it's not
That is important. do support that. But when we reframe it, it becomes so much more fat powerful. So what we reframe it is forgive yourself and keep growing. ⁓ You are the parent your child needs because you are willing to reflect, reflect, repair, and evolve and change. Right? So, so what this does, it honors effort. ⁓ It preserves responsibility, right? It kind of

Kyle Wester (24:42.700)
honors that, we need to be taking responsibility. It's something you want to model to your kids. It removes his shame. It removes all the shame as the motivator, because we don't want that to be our motivator or our child's behavior. So it's really important that we change that statement. Yes. And, and I think we all know we can think of somebody who is really failing, you know, obviously there's even court, you know, parents have done horrible things, right? So you can't obviously, there's a piece of us that knows you can't look at every parent and go,
You're great. You're exactly the parent this child needs. So we know that. So even when we try to say, well, we're not talking about those people. Right. But I think there's still something that goes, but there's still something missing. So I love how that completes it. You are the parent your child needs. You are growing. You are learning. You are doing something. Well, and you know, even as I'm hearing that Sarah reminds me of how so many times
when I'm starting out talking to parents about coaching and about the problems they're facing with their kid. And then I show them the brain science and I show them a different way of doing it. And many times a parent might pause and say, so are you saying this is my fault? And then I will look at them and say, would you be mad if I said yes? And I'm not saying that as a shaming thing and I'll tell her, I'm not trying to shame you. I'm just trying to say, you had a part to play.
And if we can't be honest about the part we had to play. Right, right. It's actually freeing to go, ⁓ here's my piece. Yeah. Right? And you're saying, ⁓ we're not asking you don't need to take everything. Yeah. But it is so freeing and empowering to go, here's my piece. Now what do I want to do with Well, and what I want to add to that, then, if I had no part to play, if none of this was my fault, then I can't do anything to change it. I'm just a victim to what's going on with my kid. And that's not true. At any point, you are
at every point you are more powerful than you think you are. And the sooner you can get shame out of the picture, reflect on it, become aware of what to take responsibility for, the more you can then actually use your power to dramatically change the relationship. And that's actually what every kid we talk to wants. Yeah. And we're not saying you're everything. Yes. ⁓ You own your part, what you are doing.

Kyle Wester (26:52.258)
and it's really powerful, really freeing. It gives you that exhale and you can move into creating the relationship, what you were saying, creating the relationship you wanna have. And actually then you model to your kids as they grow up to when they become teenagers, ⁓ they much more have a part to play as teenagers. Their power increases on that. And then they can now do the same thing you're doing. They can own the part they're playing, they can take a part in creating the relationship with you they want.
instead of just reacting to you and blaming you, which is what we don't want our kids doing, you know? And so ⁓ us doing it to them or thinking we're powerless to help change it, it's the same thing they start to believe. So we wanna make sure everybody in the relationship knows they have power to change it, and that starts with me. Okay? So then next, we wanna make sure then we're kinda wrapping this up by teaching you how to integrate all this. Like what to say to yourself ⁓ after a hard moment. So you could say something like, that wasn't how I wanted to show up.
Or you could say, I understand what was happening in my body and brain. I can repair this. I can learn from this. I don't need to punish myself to grow. Yeah. And that's really, really important. I love that last one. I love all of them, but I love that. I don't need to punish myself because that's, you know, not going to help. you just get to, you get to move forward. Well, and I want, I want everyone to hear this too, that growth, if we're wanting to grow as parents, we got to understand that growth doesn't happen in us or in our children.
in a dysregulated nervous system, right? Because that's not what it's meant for. It's meant to just actually keep yourself safe and not to... So if there is that shame, growth isn't gonna happen. So that's why it's so important to move that out of the way. But the point of moving it out of the way and moving past it is to then grow and change, okay? So parenting, we want to kind of reiterate this. Parenting is one long journey, okay? That it's a lifetime.
We hope we're doing this for our entire life into our kids adulthood, right? So we're playing the long game. ⁓ Change happens through repetition and not perfection. So really all we're doing is trying to learn new skills, new ways of thinking, wiring our brain in a new, more healthy way. And that takes a lot of repetition. does. And it's baby steps. You don't set a big goal. mean, anyone who's done going back to the New Year's resolution thing.

Kyle Wester (29:11.616)
You wouldn't say you wouldn't set yourself. Everyone knows I've got to create steps to my yes. Yep. And, I've got to keep doing those little steps ⁓ and, ⁓ that's what this is about. It's just that doing those little things, it's not perfection. say that all the time. We're not perfect. We're never going to perfect. ⁓ I'm not going to sit in my shame and guilt. I'm not going to try to be a perfect parent. I'm growing and learning each day. Yes. So, so I want to end with this thought. You don't have to hate yourself.
into becoming the parent you wanna be. It's never gonna help you. You're allowed to keep going without shame because you are doing the work. And that's the end goal ⁓ of reflecting on these moments. It's not to beat yourself up. It is to take responsibility, grow and change for you and for your kid. And if you ever need any help on that journey, if you're saying, man, that is really hard to do.
We couldn't agree more and and we couldn't have done it on our own We did it with the help of other people who came alongside us So that's why sarah and I love to help coach couples who need help with learning how to do these steps, right? So if you're saying hey I really wish I had someone to do this with reach out to me at kyle at art of raising humans And I would love to talk with you set up a call with you to where we can talk about how we could possibly help you and your spouse Be able to parent not from shame but from freedom from give forgiveness
taking responsibility and growing and then giving that skill to your kids. ⁓ So I hope this really helped you today better understand this ongoing kind of situation in our culture today and just give you more food for thought to chew on. that next step. That feels like it was missing to me. Yeah. So we hope you enjoyed it and we ⁓ wish you a great day today.