Episode 181

Kyle And Sara Wester (30:53.080)
How often do you find yourself in the situation as a parent where you are ⁓ doing things for your kids or doing things to your kids? ⁓ Is that the only way we can do it or is there another possibility that's actually going to be much more sustainable, ⁓ actually going to build a lifelong relationship with your kids ⁓ that is healthy, that is connected, that lacks resentment, ⁓ control and fear and all those kinds of things?
Well, today we want to talk to you about a topic that's very core to what we teach and that is co-creating with your kids. If you've listened to Sarah and I for a while, you've heard us say this topic, but we wanted to do a deep dive on why this is essential to having a relationship where you're doing things with your kids instead of two or four them. So we are actually going to give you some ⁓ specific practical things for each age. We're going to break down from preschool age all the way up to older teens.
how do you co-create at those different age groups? And then we're gonna leave you with specific ways to do that with them and practice with right after you get off the podcast. ⁓ if you're sitting down, get a pen, paper, get ready to take some notes. If you're exercising or in the car, just get ready to listen and absorb how you can start co-creating with your kids today.

Kyle And Sara Wester (0:1.698)
Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle. ⁓ Hi there, I am Sarah. And you know, Sarah, I'm still thinking about ⁓ that amazing episode we did a few weeks ago where we got to interview Tina Payne Bryson. Yeah. Wasn't that pretty We loved that. So I want to encourage you, if you haven't gone back to that, that was dropped on September 22nd. ⁓ my gosh, it was so great. And the reason why I want to point that out is...
We have a lot of fantastic guests that we're gonna be interviewing over the next several months. We yeah, we're really excited about our coming lineup. mean, covering things like anxiety, pornography, video game addiction, all types of experts coming in throughout the country that really know what they're talking about, gonna give you some fantastic info. So I just wanna give you a heads up.
And there is a couple really big names in the parenting world that we're hoping to score. I don't know what's gonna happen, but I'm efforting that and pursuing it patiently. Tina Payne-Bryson said that was really helpful that I was patient and persistent. So I will do that and hopefully we'll get some of those bigger names on, but we're doing all of that because we really want to connect all of you to some of the best minds on these topics, you know? And if there ever is a topic that you're thinking you want us to talk about, please throw it our way. Send.
You know, you'll email me at kyle at art of raising humans.com and just say, Hey, could you guys find somebody about this topic? Really love you to talk about this. Yeah. think we find people, we're reading books all the time. We're going to trainings all the time, right? We're immersed in this world ⁓ and we think about what are we coming across as parents ourselves, you know, so that's somehow that's some of the ways that we pick topics. And then it's also, you know, we're talking to parents all the time, even if it's friends and
And so we're always, know, what's going on with us, you know, as a parent, what is our journey, what's happening, what challenges are coming up. So ⁓ we really do, when you suggest something, we really do take that ⁓ and want to do something with that. Well, we've got connections to friends who are also parent coaches, parenting podcasters all throughout the world. And so ⁓ I'm always looking up who they're interviewing and how can we connect with those people. anyway, ⁓ we're doing that to get the best minds on there to help you.

Kyle And Sara Wester (2:8.906)
and then mixing that in with Sarah and I talking to you. And we have a lot of new things in store that we might be doing in 2026. ⁓ So just encourage you to be listening every week, make sure you're subscribed. If you haven't rated or reviewed it already, get on there and do that because it helps more people find it, but tell people about the podcast. Yeah, share it please. We really want to do all this and we're giving it away for free to help families throughout the world. Okay. So today, Sarah, I wanted to hit upon a topic that's very near and dear to our heart that we have hinted at. ⁓
talked at length at times ⁓ about this concept, but wanted to do a whole podcast on it because it's still coming up quite a bit with the parents I'm coaching. ⁓ as I talk about more and more, I realized what a huge ⁓ shift it was for me as a parent, from how I was parented, how I saw my friends being parented, but it's this concept of co-creating with your kid. Right, right. Yeah, when you mentioned this, so we sit down and kind of brainstorm topics and Kyle,
throughout this topic and so I just sit in there thinking about it, what would this podcast be about? And I thought the same thing as you just said, but I feel like this is such a huge shift and I feel like it's a hard one because when you have that wiring in your head, you revert back, know? So this co-creating where instead of doing to my kid, right? Like do this or else, ⁓ instead of feeling that pressure as a parent, I have to...
⁓ and make my kid do these things and be this person. It's all on me to make it happen. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's just out there everywhere and coaching and teaching and parenting. you know, it's like we're coming to kids to do things and get them to do things. ⁓ And ⁓ the switch to we're doing with kids ⁓ is hard. ⁓ And ⁓ you revert back.
but it's this, I'm gonna do with kids. Yeah, yeah. Well, and I think if we're talking about what does it really mean to co-create with your kids, I wanna give a quick example. ⁓ As this is dropping, this podcast will be dropping ⁓ right before Halloween and all the kind of fun fall stuff you might be doing with your kids. And I remember early on, ⁓ the idea of kids getting all this candy, ⁓ we were kind of like, ⁓ what are we gonna do with this? I mean, the kids are gonna come back with this bucket of candy.

Kyle And Sara Wester (4:25.494)
and how are we gonna handle this? And so some parents will do, we're gonna do this to them. We're gonna say, you can only have this many, and that's it. ⁓ Or they're gonna do it for them, meaning that they're gonna ⁓ maybe take some away when the kid's not watching or something, or basically ⁓ maintain that control for the kid rather than the kid controlling themselves. And I think what we did early on, whether we would have worded this way or not, we were co-creating with the kids by...
pouring out all the candy, having the kids look at what they got. We all agreed upon how many pieces was probably healthy to eat and how many wasn't. And the kids were like, I think 10 is pretty good. And we're like, yeah, 10's great. So then we picked 10. So now it's just like, we don't even talk about it. The kids naturally bring the haul home, they pour it out, they pick out the amount they want. And then the rest we just put in the pantry or we give away or whatever, you ⁓ And so it's really cool how that was just a quick example of doing ⁓ co-creating with them. So.
So you were mentioning a couple different ways to do it, and there's a lot of different ways to say this. know Alfie Cohn specifically talks about doing it with them. ⁓ We aren't gonna wanna do it for the kid, which can turn into robbing them of their own freedom, their own autonomy, their agency, right? And we're not gonna do it to them. And that I wanna say their motivation to choose to do it. ⁓ And not doing it to them, which then creates power struggles, right? It turns like.
us against them. So instead, we're wanting to do it ⁓ with them. ⁓ And this is true about everything, every decision, every action that is involving my kids. I want to figure out how can I make this a co creating moment? Right? Yeah. Because it really sets a great foundation for the kid and teaches them so many skills, like what it starts to do and invites the kid into the process ⁓ of not only creating boundaries, but holding those boundaries.
while also being given meaningful choices. So the kids learning at an early stage, early, early stage, we're talking like ⁓ two years old. I'll jump in real quick and just say we are gonna give some, we're gonna get through this part and then we know, I don't know if you're thinking in your head, how two years old, what are you talking about? So we are gonna give some concrete examples of this, because obviously it's gonna look different for different ages, developmental levels and things, so just hang tight for that part. Right now this is the foundation for

Kyle And Sara Wester (6:46.742)
Why would we care? Why is this important ⁓ in the relationship? So. Yeah. ⁓ And as I'm thinking about my own childhood, definitely there were moments of doing for my kids. I remember even there was loving moments. I talked before I think about how I think it was like fifth grade. I had some assignment due to build a solar system ⁓ and I.
didn't understand what my dad was saying and ⁓ my dad was upset about it. He was working, he kept calling me and telling me things. I wasn't, I was failing at it. And the next morning I woke up and the whole thing was done for me. And I was kind of like, that's cool, but I didn't really learn anything. ⁓ I didn't learn how to do it. wasn't really your science project. No, it wasn't. And then I turned it in and said it was mine. I'm like, I guess that's okay. I don't think that's a lie. mean, ⁓ so that's like an example, even when my dad was doing it for me ⁓ because he loved me. Right. That's a very kind act.
Yeah, but it also took this opportunity away from me to learn how to do it. lots it happened because it was a rush. It was like a last minute thing. And my parents were busy. They didn't have time to do it with me. They just did it for me. But then there's other times they did it to me, which would be stuff like they're telling me, you know, I want to go somewhere and I can't go and I'm saying why and they're like, just because you know, we just don't want you to or or you need to be in by this time.
Why? Because that's just what we think is a good time. ⁓ And it caused me and a lot of my friends to like, this is ridiculous. Why can't we stay out later? And was all this like them controlling us and those kind of power struggles. And so this is why co-creation is so important because it definitely builds some really important skills in your kids. And I think the first and most important one is it builds a foundation of trust ⁓ and sets this like stage that we are in a partnership. Like we want to do something that's going to last a lifetime.
And so building that trust together is to me probably the most crucial one. Yeah, yeah, because it is coming alongside your child in that way because it's building trust in the relationship that that they'll you'll listen to them that you value them and that you believe in them and it's hey we're gonna do this together and of course it's gonna look different at different ages but ⁓ man to convey to your child that I think your voice is so important and I think you're bringing something really important to this conversation.

Kyle And Sara Wester (8:59.426)
And I believe in your ability to construct this part of your life. ⁓ And I want to do that with you because man, don't we want our kids in our 20s calling us up? And it can start when they're just little bitty ⁓ and we can create this foundation and carry it through the whole way. And then the second thing it does, Sarah, teaches problem solving skills and decision making. ⁓ Almost always at the core of kids being anxious ⁓ as they get older is because they don't trust themselves to make decisions.
They don't believe they can solve problems. ⁓ They're easily overwhelmed when the responsibility of that falls on their shoulders. And it's just because they haven't practiced it a lot. So from an early, early age, we want to give them lot of opportunities to do that with us, to solve problems together, to make decisions together in little ways and big
Yeah, then the stakes aren't as high. So if they do make a mistake, you might even think, okay, I'm gonna let them make this decision. I don't think it's gonna go well. But what an awesome opportunity to learn. Let's get that practice going. And ⁓ I know everyone's heard about brain development. It's not fully formed, the prefrontal cortex, you know, that front part of your brain isn't fully formed to your 20s. And, you know, we've heard that. This is part of that. This is growing that prefrontal cortex. We've got to let them use it.
If we're always using ours, we want them to get that practice in. And they can borrow ours, but we want to start strengthening theirs. And let them- So think of it like a muscle. You're helping them practice that muscle. And then number three is it reduces resistance and power struggles. So if I'm ever feeling resistance from my kids about any decision being made, it's probably because they haven't played a part in helping make that decision. Yeah. They feel like it's being done to Yes. Yeah. Or done for them, and they resist that. So immediately when you're co-creating, those kind of things just go away.
Number four is it actually starts to foster intrinsic motivation instead of compliance. So this is a lot of kids once again who are anxious, depressed, they don't know how to motivate themselves, you know, because ⁓ when we're doing it to them or for them, we're always taking that responsibility on to motivate them to do it as opposed to them creating something themselves. It's kind of like when they're creating a Lego set that they're like, there's this natural motivation that happens and we want them not to just be able to do that about how they

Kyle And Sara Wester (11:14.862)
play and do toys, but also how they do life and decisions about where they want to go to school and what kind of career they want to have. ⁓ What we're finding is kids actually are born with, humans are born with this desire to grow and learn. know, little kids, want to learn to walk, they want to grab that toy and when they're babies, they're mouthing it, they're learning and growing. And when they get older, and a lot of times, unfortunately, even part of the school system undermines that. And it's like, no, you will learn instead of realizing that there's something. read.
Yeah, there's something in a child, but we have our timelines and we really worried as parents and as teachers and things. And so we feel like we've got to like push this onto the child instead of realizing it's something that's inside of them. ⁓ And we want to, ⁓ you know, foster that. Yes. So we want to let that be there because if we're always saying read or you won't get blah, blah, blah, or this will happen to you. We now take away any chance for that internal motivation to be there.
and we make it all this external thing, the carrot or the stick, is gonna motivate you instead of allowing something from inside of you. I want to be kind and share my toys because that's who I am as a person, not because if I don't, I'm gonna be put in time out. And then the fifth one, Sarah, is it helps kids learn how to regulate themselves with support. ⁓ So meaning as we start co-creating with them at an early age, there will be some frustration, there'll be some disappointment, there'll be all those kind of things as they're making decisions, but we help in those moments help
co-regulate with them in how we're gonna create together. And so they start learning that they're not alone in these decisions. know, that even though that decision might be overwhelming, they know how to regulate that anxiety or that fear, and then I can now make that decision. Right, right. And even if a mistake is made, that's how we're learning and growing. We embrace those mistakes and learning how to process through that no moment as well. You know, the scary feelings you have before decision.
what you feel after the decision, all of that, we're with them in it, they're not alone. So let's go and start out getting some very specific kind of age timelines of ways that we would teach parents to do, but ways that we have practically done it ourselves, right? Yeah, we have some teenagers now, so. Yeah, let's kind of start with some preschool age, and this could even go down to age two, but we're looking at like age three to five. An example of this that's real common, and that we personally, I got to feel the success of Lots of experience here. Because sleep was such a big deal.

Kyle And Sara Wester (13:37.538)
So like co-creating the bedtime routine, that was huge. I remember how many conversations we had with the kids when they were little, kind of asking them, like, what do you want the routine to look like? What should these next steps be? And at first I thought it was ridiculous. They just need to go to bed. They need to just brush their teeth and go to bed. And then especially as we were co-creating and Abby wanted to add more and more things, I'm like, my gosh, Sarah, I'd be like, we're doing like six things now. This is ridiculous. I just want them to go to bed.
But that process empowered our kids to not see going to bed as a power struggle. Instead it was like, no, going to sleep, that's a given. It's how we go to sleep, but let's do that. And then another one is child choices like on how they, ⁓ doing pajamas. ⁓ When they put those on, they put those on first before they brush their teeth, they do it after they brush their teeth. Yeah, you know, it's like maybe these are things where we've...
the goal, I right, this is my three year old, I can't be like, do you want to go to bed? Yes, yes, that's not the choice. So it's like, okay, we've got this goal, how are we going to do it, right? It can be this miserable thing, but we're already building into our kids brain of, okay, maybe going to bed is hard. Maybe we don't want to miss out on the fun. We don't want to be away from our parents or whatever it might be. They don't always want to go to bed, but it's like, all right, ⁓ I need to set that boundary of bedtime, right? Because I'm the grown up and I can't, that's not, my three year old isn't ready for that. But my three year old can decide,
Do we want to brush teeth first or pajamas first? What book do you want to read? ⁓ books were part of our bedtime routine. ⁓ So we had the routine in there, so I want to give them that power. I want to give them that ability to be a part of it and what's important to them and teach them how to create that with instead of just I'm going to drag you to bed and put you. ⁓
So yeah, so the bedtime routine thing that we used to just give them a choice how we go to bed. Do you want to go like this way or this way? So there's a lot of different ways to include them in there. But I like how you said you at this age, you are keeping choices pretty limited and pretty concrete. Like it's like you said, it's not a choice. Are we going to go to bed or not? We're going to be consistent on that. That's a non negotiable. But but the ability like how we go to bed, that's where the flexibility is. And that's where

Kyle And Sara Wester (15:48.898)
Just think of it guys, it's like they're practicing the skill on how to co-create this with you. You're not doing this to them and they don't need to fight you. I'm telling you, that guys- We don't wanna create that dynamic. Almost 100 % of the sleep problems that we're kids have is early on, they naturally wanna be up with you. It's fun, they don't wanna be away from you, it's scary. All those natural, and they don't know how to regulate it and it becomes go to bed anyway. You need to go to bed or else. And then the kid just learns to of like stuff that down and then go to bed and be all alone in it.
We want the kid to know how to do this with us. And even today, we still have a bedtime routine, even though the kids are ⁓ in the teenage years, and we still use someone's exact same steps, we've just tweaked them with them as they've gotten older. ⁓ And so the benefit here is preschoolers will start to feel empowered, and they'll start to feel safe and secure within the boundaries that we've created. ⁓
So then next age, let's do elementary age, Sarah. Let's go ages six to 10, okay? So if you've got a six to 10 year old, a great place to practice co-creating even today is start doing with homework and playtime balance. That's where a lot of parents are coming in, Sarah, six to 10. And they're frustrated with- be a great one. Yeah, this whole thing. And it's frustrating for the kids because they're like, oh my gosh, why do I have this homework? school all day and then they come home and have homework. I don't blame them for not being excited about it.
So it's a great opportunity and that's a stressful moment. How are we gonna do this? Yeah, and so there you're kind of trying to help the kid create a plan together with you of when homework gets done and ⁓ with the child's input and on the timing, like it might be right when you get home from school, we have a snack and do it. I'll sit with you and help you. Or it might be, hey, I just need a break. So you're gonna go out and let's do some outside stuff. Play a little basketball. If you have a trampoline or it's going to walk.
and then maybe do it after that. Some older kids, as they get up to like 10, they wanna wait a little longer, maybe they wanna play with their friends outside after school, and they're like, okay, after that, let's do it before dinner or right after dinner. But once again, we're not doing it to them, we're doing it with them. ⁓ The more say they have in creating that, then they're more likely to follow through with And again, there's the boundary of, okay, we've got this task and it may not be a fun task, maybe a hard task, but here's this task.

Kyle And Sara Wester (18:1.742)
How are we gonna do it? Can you speak to this Sarah? know we talked about this helps kids encourage like ownership while still scaffolding You know like how the child's gonna kind of draft the plan parent helps them like it looks a little different than that preschool age, right? Right. So the preschool they're not gonna have as much creativity around being able to build that but I'm gonna try to give that more to my elementary age kid where instead of me coming with all the ideas like my three-year-old I might say, okay, we're gonna brush teeth and do that. Which one do you want to do first?
my elementary age child, I'm gonna say, hey, why don't you try to come up with a plan or ⁓ put up a board and what are your ideas for how this can be done? So I wanna try to hand off that brainstorming. I will still brainstorm. But I want to give that piece to them more and more where they can come up with ideas. And then when they own that, they're much more likely to do something they have owned. And I like how you said here that elementary age kids, they want some visual check.
You know like they that's helpful to see it now I would also say Sarah a part of this co-creating is the kid may say hey I'd like to not do right after school I want to do it after I play some video games eat dinner They all do it then and you might be like, yeah, I don't think that's gonna work. But you just I would just say okay I'm willing to try that so let's give that how about we experiment with that for about two weeks We'll see how that goes if it's not going well, then I want to be open to changing it
And the kid, okay, cool, let's try it for two weeks. And once again, if it's their plan and their responsibility, then they're more likely to do that, you know, ⁓ and then revise it if it's not working up. Yeah, it's like it's working. So what you're trying to build here is you're helping the kid to build the sense of responsibility, take responsibility for his choice, and it gives practice to the kid and planning without overwhelming them. Okay. And it's okay if it doesn't work, right?
There lots of inventors and people. make plants and then we need to tweak it. And so even if it doesn't go well, it's a great opportunity ⁓ for it go, whoa, okay, that's not working. What can we change? And for them to see that and just building that mindset of if something isn't working, I can readjust, I can change my goals, I can change my pathways to those goals. Yeah, that's great. And so let's go in the next age. We're to go into the tween years. You know, those awesome tween years. Let's do 11 to 13.

Kyle And Sara Wester (20:18.784)
So now this, the example we thought of here was kind of screen time, ⁓ So screen time with the phone and you're coming up with a plan. And so instead of like dictating rules and saying, know, I'm like, I'm not even a huge fan necessarily of a contract, you know, because I still think lots of the contract is a parent doing it for them or to them, you know, ⁓ but instead of see a lot of resistance around the contract. It's a very adult.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, a lot of times the kids are confused. It still sounds pretty controlling. but instead of dictating rules, invite your tween into co designing, like a family tech agreement or or like to me, I like to talk about what does it look like to have a healthy relationship with your phone? You know, what is it you know, friends that you have who are using in a healthy way? What does that look like? How often are they on it? You know, and kind of having that discussion, you're really wanting once again, to engage that prefrontal cortex.
to help them reflect upon what they've already seen. These kids have already been around other kids that like, man, that kid's it way too much. Or, watching how you're using I was gonna say, well, they've been around you and you've been using it way too much. watching us. at this age, at this age, they're gonna call you out. ⁓ Maybe they don't verbally say it to you, but they're gonna be very aware if you're asking something of them that you're not doing. yep. And so here, the tween is really wanting to get some autonomy, right? Yep. ⁓
they also need your guidance. this isn't something they're just gonna do on their own. Like you're gonna sit down with them over breakfast, over something new, you're having fun just talking about this, and you're designing this together. They really need and want your input. And especially like you're saying, Sarah, if I'm not doing it in a healthy way, I want them to call me out and I say, let's do this together. I'm gonna be with you, I'm gonna create a way to have a healthy relationship with my phone and let's do that together, right? And how fun would that be for a kid? Because now the kid,
isn't just watching you judge them and criticize them, but they're getting to like really do this really important thing, because this phone is gonna be in their life for the rest of their life. And to have you on that journey for the rest of their life is gonna be really, really helpful. And then they will, there's a piece of thinking about it for the whole family that really ⁓ can be helpful for this age group. You know, if it's around cleaning or around phone use and stuff like that, you know, they'll, they're...

Kyle And Sara Wester (22:32.866)
kind of thinking in that bigger picture versus the younger child. So when you're doing this conversation, your goal is to listen to their perspective, validate it, and then collaborate on realistic boundaries and guardrails, right? So that's your goal when you're having that. And here's what it's going to teach them, which is so important. It's really going to help reduce the secrecy and rebellion. ⁓ I mean, that's so surrounded with this topic of phone use. mean, kids having burner phones, kids trying to sneak on the Wi-Fi when you're not, whatever. And this really gets rid of all of that.
You know and it increases their buy-in to to really stick with those guardrails and those boundaries because they Decided on them with you right they feel like they're a part of it and and that even if something goes wrong again You're trying to be open and you're trying to do this with them You know and sometimes we have to be careful of our own fears and anxieties that can slip in and we want to control it Yep, and then and then the ⁓ the last age that we want to get to is the older teen years Okay, so kids who are 14?
to 18. So now what you're doing here is you're practicing how to co-create with things like curfews, you know, meaning kind of based on what time do we want your home and even some social boundaries. So, you know, people they're going to be hanging out with, what they're going to be doing with their free time, driving, know, where they're going with that car, the jobs they're getting, all these kinds of social situations they're going to be navigating. And you really want to be able to sit down and ask them, you know, in a collaborative way.
What feels fair and safe for both of us? ⁓ Right? Like that's a big thing I'm always working on with kids this age, Sarah, is kids just, they want to stay out later and they don't know why. And as we get down to it, like ⁓ the kid will say, well, I don't want my parents to feel like they have to stay up all night. Like, yeah, but how are your parents not going to? Because your parents can be worried. You your parents, ⁓ I don't know any parent that's going to go to bed until you're home, you know? And then when the kid starts thinking about that, the kids just go, yeah, that isn't really kind. It's not really fair to tell my parent, I want to be up to one.
and expect them just to go to bed at 11 and not worry. ⁓ Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because I think kids, mean, teenagers, know, I mean, someone's looking out for you ⁓ and that's important and they understand that. And it feels good. Yeah. It feels good to know someone cares. And if it's coming from that, I'm not controlling you, but I care. And I want you to have a great time and I want you to be able to do these things. ⁓ And it's so important at this age for them to get those training wheels to be able...

Kyle And Sara Wester (24:55.554)
to make as many decisions and to, while you're still close by, because when they're 18 and they're gone, so I think this is so important at this age for them to get to experience and practice this because these years fly by. Well, so the things to consider, because these are big discussions, like we covered a lot of topics there, specifically that was about like curfew, but I there's so many, the driving, the friends you're hanging out with, all that kind of stuff, is you want to acknowledge their growing independence and their real world reasoning. Basically just like,
valued the way they see it. You know, like they do have thoughts about it and it's really important for you to understand that you're not living their life. You're not growing up in this time as a teenager, right? So there are some things to consider there. It doesn't mean everything they're saying is accurate, but their perspective is very, very valuable to getting their buy-in.
Right? ⁓ And then negotiate expectations while still setting non-negotiables around safety. Right? So there are things around safety like, no, listen, we're not, that's not a negotiable, but it may be like 1030 ⁓ to 11, that can be negotiated, right? Or ⁓ whether you're staying the night at this person's house or that person's house, or they're coming, those are things, but there are gonna be some non-negotiables and those are always gonna be linked to safety. Right. Right. Cause that, ⁓ you know,
there's a lot easier to buy in for safety versus controlling, right? So I don't want I might think safety might be Sarah's stuff. thinking how many people can drive in your vehicle, right? I don't want a lot of kids in your vehicle. If you're driving and that's an important comment, and if it becomes, I'm going do this to you, they'll just do it and not let you know, right? And so you want to be invited into that space. think dating is a big one for me, thinking about, you know,
kids going out on dates and who are you with and where are you? And telling me where you're going, all those kind of things. Who is with you is such a big one for teenagers. Well I know for lot of parents meeting who you're with, right? That person. So some of these things you got to figure that. I wouldn't say there should be 10,000 non-negotiables, but we agree there definitely should be some, you know? Because I think safety is so important and that's really one of our main responsibilities as parents is to help them as long as they're under our house and to keep them safe.

Kyle And Sara Wester (27:8.718)
And you're teaching them that, right? You're teaching your kids how to think about these things and be aware of these things. So when they are older, if I think about my daughter going to the store, and how does that look? What time of day are you going to the store? Who are you going with? Those are things that she'll still need those skills, so we build them now, because she's still going to need them later in life. And so the benefit of doing it this way, it's going to strengthen the respect the kid has for you, that the teenager is going to have for you.
because they feel like you're listening to them and considering their wants and desires too. It also prepares them for even bigger adult life decisions. I mean, this is really like your last chance to kind of do that while they're still with you before they may go off to college and move out. And then at last part, it just reduces resentment. You know, the kid doesn't walk around resenting you all the time because they feel like you're doing stuff to them or thinking they're a bad kid and gonna make bad choices and all that. So in kind of wrapping up, Sarah, I wanna give them kind of the main...
points that we're trying to really leave them home with. that's the first is when you're co-creating, your kid is going to feel seen, respected, and capable. ⁓ OK? And go back to your own childhood. When your parents did it to you ⁓ or for you, that's not how you felt. You didn't feel seen, respected, and capable. The second thing is parents shift from control to connection. So these moments that
Can lots of them lead to control, lead to big conflict, lead to power struggles? Instead, you want any moments that bring us closer together? These conversations here that we've gotten have with our kids around these topics, they've brought us closer to our kids. It helped us better understand them, them understand us, them understand themselves. So many great benefits. The third is co-creation strengthens the relationship bank account. So when you're doing the connection stuff, you're having these deep, meaningful conversations, you're depositing a lot of money in the bank connection-wise.
And that's gonna help you later on have more influence in regards to how they listen to what you're saying and what you care about. But it's also just gonna help you have more fun with them too. And then the fourth one is prepares kids for life outside the home. It helps them with decision making, taking responsibility, and learning how to collaborate. ⁓ And that's something you're gonna want them to do with their future spouses, future bosses, all that kind of stuff. ⁓ So just basically ⁓ the big idea here is parenting is the most powerful.

Kyle And Sara Wester (29:28.610)
when it's with and not to or for. So I want you thinking about moments that even today, this week, where you can start practicing little small co-creation moments tailored to your child's age. And we've given you some examples ⁓ there, you know? And we'd love, man, for you to give us some feedback on what's one way you've co-created with your kids this week. as you do this, seek us out on YouTube.
on ⁓ Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, and we'll be posting things throughout the week about this topic, and we'd love for you to engage us there, but also email us or comment on the podcast. What's some way you did it? How did it go? Yeah, yeah. And definitely check us out, listen to those upcoming episodes. We've got some great guests. Go back and listen to Tina Payne Bryson, and I hope this helps you better understand the power of co-creating, the power of doing this stuff with your kids, and I hope you start practicing that today, okay?
Have a great week.
Thank you. ⁓