Episode 195

Episode 195 Transcript:

Kyle Wester (30:35.714)
I think all of us as parents want our children to have healthy habits. We want them to be able to take ownership of their life, take responsibility, right? Like to be able to take care of their schoolwork, take care of ⁓ their room and their clothes and participate by doing chores around the house. Like these kind of habits will shape your kids ⁓ into responsible human beings. But ⁓ you know, those are hard. These habits are hard for you.
to do healthy habits for them, habits are difficult, but that's why they are so important to really be done intentionally. And so in this podcast today, we're gonna highlight the ways in which too often parents ⁓ sabotage their efforts to help their kids build healthy habits by the ways in which we approach it. And then we're gonna give you 10 specific ways, mean, starting today, ⁓ I'm gonna want you to like hone in on the habits you want for your kids.
to get better at, to grow in. And we're gonna teach you how to do that today because your kids want you to know how to do this because they want to have these healthy habits because habits shape who we are and the kind of people we end up becoming in life. ⁓ take a moment to, if you could, pause, ⁓ rate and review the podcast. This is so important for our podcast to be seen and for more parents to know about. Share this with other parents you know ⁓ who are asking these kinds of questions or kind of in the nitty gritty of helping their kids learn.
these important habits like brushing their teeth and you know, ⁓ just every morning getting ready for the day and you know, that habits like they're they're constantly losing stuff and how to remember stuff and take responsibility for this. So share this episode with them and get ready to write down these steps ⁓ and to learn these these different tactics that really help kids become ⁓ kids with healthy habits all throughout their lifetime. So sit back and enjoy the podcast. And I know you're gonna ⁓ learn a lot.

Kyle Wester (0:1.390)
Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans, I'm Kyle. Hey there, I'm Sarah. And you know, Sarah, in 2026, I think a lot of people are wanting to help build healthy habits for themselves and for their kids, right? Right, I think it's a time of year, even if we're not big on maybe you don't do New Year's resolutions. It's kind of a time where we think, okay, what do we want to look into for this year? What do I need to change or build? Yeah, and so before we dive into how...
so many times we as parents undermine our kids for getting healthy habits and then what to do differently. We'll get into that. I want to remind everybody that ⁓ at this point, January 26 is a big cool date in Tulsa ⁓ Riverfield, which is a private school here in Tulsa ⁓ County. ⁓ Tina Payne Bryson's coming to town and ⁓ we're really excited about what she's going to be teaching parents there at Riverfield. And so soon we'll have more details posted on our social media. So if you're not already following us on Facebook,
Instagram or tik-tok go there to make sure you're getting those updates because you're not gonna want to miss Haven't units first time she's ever come to Oklahoma and ever talk like she's done it down in Texas and other states She's a big-time sought-after speaker expert in this field about brain science and the development of your kid So you will not want to miss this if you're in Tulsa, you're gonna want to come to to Riverfield on Monday January 26. Okay. So today what we want to talk about Sarah's how you know we're thinking as parents are wanting to change some habits, you know habits like
Cleaning up their room or doing chores or how they do homework. I'll even talk to each other, It's a lot of habits They want their kids to have is there are things that we have noticed in ourselves and with parents that we've coached Kind of mistakes we fall into that really undermine our ability to help teach habits, right? ⁓ And one of those that I see super common ⁓ is becoming the reminder
Because we know, we remember, right? We've built the skills, so we're like, It's always on our mind. you have that paper do. ⁓ Yeah, so we want to jump in there. And so sometimes that's called nagging. So we're constantly verbally nudging them, right? correcting them. out telling them to That's right, reminding, correcting. ⁓ why does it backfire? Yeah, we really actually don't want to be their reminder. We don't want to move into the role of managing it for them.

Kyle Wester (2:19.244)
the better skills for them to learn how to manage it. That's going to be super messy, right? But we want that. That's the goal. The goal is how to shift that ownership over to them or I'm not the reminder. They have other systems in place to keep themselves. because otherwise we all remember being kids. If you were going to remind me, I don't need to remember. So I'll just let you ⁓ take the responsibility of reminding me to do it. So even though initially that's going to be necessary,
because the kids not, it's not, but eventually that's not the goal. The goal is for them to internalize it. And if you keep doing it, a hundred percent, it's going to turn into a power struggle. So eventually the kids are going to get sick of it and parents get so confused because they're like, I wouldn't need to do this if you would just do it. And the kids going like, I don't need to do it because you're going to do it for me. Yeah. Yeah. Or they haven't even really learned how our master, the skill you keep doing it. Yeah. Yeah. So we want.
⁓ We don't want to become the reminder if you're if you are doing that just know you're getting caught up in a dance or a loop that is going to undermine the goal of the kid taking responsibility of the task and much many more chances for conflict and And resentment all that stuff right kids really resent it number two taking over when it gets hard ⁓ That's difficult ⁓ It's so much easier. Whatever. It's so hard. Just let me do it I'll just or you see them, you know, they start having a
down because it's just so hard to put away two pair of pants or something you know and you're like fine I'll just show you here this is how you do ⁓ it yeah so we tend to move in when I know you tell stories all the time about your dad moving in yes and science projects or you know when they they wait I'll I'll my story I'll my story yeah so like for this one well this one started the fifth grade this is when I learned I could do this to my dad right so I remember I had a big science project I had to do the the solar system had to get to your planets and they
I mean, it was the night before I hadn't done anything. So I remember my dad worked at a convenience store until midnight and we were talking over the phone. He was like, get some pipe cleaners. I'm like, what are pipe cleaners? He's like, they look like, I don't know what you're talking about, dad. And the more and more stupid I, I sounded, you know, the more competent I sounded, but just don't worry about it. You know? And the next morning I woke up and there was a completely built solar system, ⁓ the sun with the planets. And I was like,

Kyle Wester (4:44.300)
That was awesome. That was actually really easy for me to do. So I did through most of my middle school years, I would just act incompetent ⁓ or make it very hard on my dad to where my dad just eventually say, forget this, I'll do it. Right. And that's the skill I learned was how And he was doing intentionally. Yes. ⁓ I know. I was going to point out maybe there's a kid doing intentionally, know, super smart little kid who's twisting things, but
But also kids, he just learned a skill. know. Yes. And that's what we need to look at. lots of times I would say kids aren't doing this intentionally. It's sort of a dance. You get in with your child, a cycle you get in ⁓ and it probably happens when they're really little and then just gets repeated over time where they are overwhelmed. They might genuinely be overwhelmed and then you come in and rescue.
And so we'll get to what we want you to do instead, because it's not just leave my child on the floor and a pile crying and wailing and having a hard time. But we don't want to just move into rescue. Well, and so the reason why it backfires is because all ownership disappears. The kid doesn't take ownership of it. And habits can't grow when parents are the ones taking the responsibility. So it kind of ties into that becoming the reminder as well. Yeah. And the kid kind of learns, oh, I couldn't handle that. You had to come in and take over.
⁓ And we don't want kids to believe that they can't do those moments. Another one we really see is just giving up too soon. So ⁓ dropping the habit after a few inconsistent weeks. And we all have been there. Well, we've been fired up. I'm going to be super patient. I'm going to teach this habit. I'm going to model it. then when they do, I forget it. I'm just going to take this over to myself. They're not doing it. Forget it. And lots of times, kids, not to say they're being malicious or mean, but lots of times the kids that I talk to, they know that. They know that for a little bit.
Mom and dad are gonna make a big deal out of this. And then a couple weeks they get too tired and they just aren't gonna keep up. we do, we do get too tired. It's really overwhelmed and busy. Yes it is. And you think this would take me five minutes. I can have an hour long moment with my kid, right? So we can all do this. And the why it backfires is we know habits only happen through ⁓ repetition for a long period of time. So inconsistency actually resets the habit loop.

Kyle Wester (6:57.932)
So all too often parents will say, I tried that with him and it doesn't work. And you'll look like they tried it for a week or two weeks and they just gave up, right? And like, well, how's that habit ever gonna get formed if we just start focusing on ⁓ it? We're wanting instant gratification here. We're gonna need to play the long game, Number four, ⁓ lecturing instead of supporting, okay? Like giving long explanations, repeated speeches. When you grow up, you're gonna have to do blah, blah, blah. So if you can't even do this now. Yeah, yeah.
because we're so smart and we know where they're headed and we have all the answers. Yes. And then once again, it's probably speeches our parents gave us. We're probably like, we've memorized that speech. And the reason why- And we're worried. A lot of times if we really look at sort of thinking, well, they really do need this. I'm really worried that I'm failing and they don't have what to- They're not going to be prepared and they're going to live in our basement till they're 57 and- Playing video games or something. Yeah. But so the reason why it backfires is lectures overwhelm the kid's nervous system and the kid just shuts down. So pretty soon you become-
that teacher in Charlie Brown just wow, wow, wow, wow. And then when I talk to the kids, the kids are just like, what do I need to say to get out of this? Yes. Yeah. Well, what do I need to agree with to get you to stop talking? shut down and they just are nodding and they know what you want them to say. So it's the, I'm sorry. Yes, I will do this. they're not absorbing any of it. They're really just trying to survive the lecture because now they're in survival mode of this moment. They're not feeling connected. They're not listening. This isn't a learning moment. Their brain is not even in the space to learn. So
We're wasting our time in theirs. ⁓ The next one, number five is using shame as a motivation. ⁓ Like comparison, comparing them lots of times to their other siblings or other neighbors, friends, kids. That kid can do it. He takes out the trash every time. Okay. a lot of sarcasm. I hear a lot of parents, they, they own that, that they can be very sarcastic.
or they make comments about character. Like you're lazy, you're just irresponsible, you're selfish and unmotivated. All those kinds of thoughts come to your head, which is very demotivating. And it takes the kid's mind off of building the habit. And instead they just become defensive or they shut down, you know? And probably we, as parents, we were shamed. ⁓ We probably still shame ourselves. Of course, You know, so it's our go-to for ourselves. So then naturally...

Kyle Wester (9:9.454)
It's an easy go to with kids when you've been wired that way. It's this is hard. And this is helpful. This backfires because shame, just kills their confidence. And when they don't have the confidence, it also hinders their ability to have the intrinsic motivation, like shame and intrinsic motivation. go hand in hand. Shame is like external motivation for me just to do it, to make you happy, to get you to like me. And we don't want the kid. That's not the long game you're wanting to play. You're wanting them to own it, take responsibility for it.
and be internally motivated to say, ⁓ want to take the trash out or do this chore cause it helps my family. ⁓ Number six, letting anger drive the process. ⁓ I've never done that. ⁓ I've never done that one. Shame probably is more my, I don't know. You use shame too, but it's definitely my go to. ⁓ Anger is your top choice.
Yeah, it's well, well used. ⁓ And like, can get more angry than you, so you might, you better do what I'm saying. Yeah. And this is where there might be some threats given or just the threat of just hearing you get louder and more upset. Right. It may not even be like, I would never threaten punishment or threaten those kinds of things, but I definitely can get louder and a little more intimidating.
And then they just don't want that. You know, they don't want that anger. Anger can get into sort of this judgments being passed and I'm right, you're wrong. And that condescending tone. Well, and kind of like shame, also backfires on building to have a fear doesn't build habits, it builds avoidance. So hear that clearly when you use fear in whatever form you're doing it, it doesn't build a habit. It just builds avoidance. So it actually, when the kid thinks about that thing you're wanting them to do,
they're actually gonna be more avoidant over time because even when they're adults, they'll associate that task with the fear they felt and there's no joy there. There's no like, well, ⁓ I think if we, if we think about it, I think we all can agree ⁓ that if our child is choosing to clean their room because they're afraid you're gonna be mad at them, like, dad's gonna be home. So I better get my room clean. Cause before he left, he said, you know, to clean, you know, that's a different thing. He's gonna be so mad at me versus

Kyle Wester (11:17.964)
This is my room. I want to take care of it. I feel like I can take care of it. I'm going to go in and clean it. I mean, that's the thing we want our child operating from something inside of them that has decided how they want their space to be feel like they can make their space that way and go and do it. Right. Yeah. So of course we can use anger to manage people, ⁓ but
Wow, I don't think any of us sit here and think, wow, I really hope my child's motivated by being afraid of a lot of people and doing a lot of things because they don't want a bunch of people to be mad at them. And you want them to choose to do it from something inside of them. So that's good. Well said. ⁓ And so the last one of this, the last thing that we kind of noticed we do parents do that undermine kids ability to build habits is expecting adult level consistency. So just like assuming a child should, you they should just know by now.
Like I'm so sick of it. I'm so tired of I know. Yeah, ⁓ just know like, I mean, I felt this way a lot, Sarah, when it came to sports, you know? And when I talked to my dad, he'd be like, you weren't that different ⁓ than your kids. You spent a lot of time just kicking the dirt and not focusing. But as an adult, when I played soccer, I was super focused. So somehow I'm like, why can't they be more like me as an adult when they're six?
You know, but like in my mind, that's the version I wanted them to be, or that's the version I liked about me. And I wanted them to get that, but really at six, I wasn't super focused either. Sports is a great ⁓ kind of a comparison to this because we see, you know, man, the best quarterback throw an interception. Do you know how many balls he's probably thrown and how many times he, know, and yet he can still throw an interception. You can still still make those mistakes. ⁓ And so at the level they're at,
as adults even, they can still mess something up. Again, we look at our, we mess up. So we need to realize that kit, we still can't manage it as an adult. And so how can I look at my child and think they're going to hit anywhere near this level of competence, right? And mastery, they're still learning. They've only been around on this planet for, you know, whatever 12 years or something. and now we want to shift into helping you.

Kyle Wester (13:29.294)
Learn some skills or mindsets to support your kids in building healthy habits. So number one is externalize the reminder. What does that mean? Externalize? Yeah, so a really great way to stop taking over is having something that works for your child. So it might be something if they're a teenager, it might be a reminder that beeps on their phone. It might be an external sign hung up on their, you know, here's your to-do list.
⁓ It's hanging in their bathroom or you know what I mean with here's my morning routine. Those are things I need to make sure I get done each day So then that sign that external thing is their reminder. There's all kinds of fun ideas. We saw one ⁓
where they had little lights, you know, of the same one. You'd light up the light. went hit the light each time they did one. somewhere in our social But then it was obviously for preschoolers. So they had the joy of turning off the light. Yeah, they loved it. Once they got their shoes on and they got their water bottle. You know, so there's there's ways you can make it really, really fun. Again, this goes back to our other podcasts about collaborating. Do this with your child. Have them design the reminder sheet. Yeah. And but then it's off your shoulders out of your hands. They just know here's your sheet.
So it's between the child and the sheet and getting that done and they get that little dopamine hit of checking things off. Well, and when they're little, the more visual it can be, better. Yeah. Like I even love it, Sarah, just reminders of instead of when your kid goes to school, if there's certain skills they're working on, like sitting still and raising their hand, like even taking pictures of them doing that. And when you drop them off, say, Hey, what are we working on today? And then show them the pictures and they can go, yeah, that's right. And then like that picture is the reminder instead of you just
They're like, okay, I get it. The lecture go and be good today. Okay. And so I just, every time when we started doing them, they were little, that was just mind blowing to me. I, I, I I thought we could just say it and they did it, but it was, Oh no, that's true. They do like pictures and they do learn that way. And also seeing themselves do it in the pictures or having some fun activity. gets that kind of feedback of the light, those kinds of things. I mean, and just to point this out, I think to drive it home for

Kyle Wester (15:26.050)
We all have, everyone has their favorite app ⁓ that's full of their reminders ⁓ or a planner. Some people, I want my colorful pens and I want my planner where it has the whole month in one sheet. We all have our own visual reminders and kids are the same way, right? So just think about it. Well, it's the kid version of that same thing that I use today. And the reason why it works is the reminder shifts from the parent to the environment or the tool that they have said will help them, right? And you're teaching them how to...
understand themselves better and what works, what doesn't. Number two, protect ownership. ⁓ Basically what that means is ⁓ let the natural consequences happen when appropriate. Support without rescuing. ⁓ There's gonna be natural outcomes that happen and it's not like you just sit back and laugh at them and go, I told you. ⁓ That goes back to the shaming, but it's like, no, I can see this is probably gonna happen. They're probably gonna forget that thing that they keep, but maybe that's what needs to happen.
and I'm going to be their support. I'm not going to lecture them. I know so many times I've tried to do this and I slipped into shaming them too and be like, I told you that's why I was going to remind you, but I didn't. And I wanted you to feel it. But then you just lost that opportunity because now the kids just mad at you. ⁓ Yeah. Yeah. So you look for those kind of harmless, you know, they sting, they might hurt. but right now that risk is so much lower than if they're adult. If I always manage them, then when they become an adult, they've never learned how to manage.
their own lives, right? So I need to let them forget their lunch or, know, you, you need to figure out what's going to be okay. What, what you're willing, where you're willing to step in with some support, you know, so just be thinking that and watch them and go, this is going to be an okay stumble. ⁓ remember when Abby first got her phone and she was at some kind of meeting for something. And I noticed that as we left, she left her phone ⁓ and I just picked it up.
and I had it and I waited till she was in the car and I started to see her panicking and I was like what happened? Did you leave your phone? Right? And then I used it as an opportunity to just say hey I got it. I just wanted you to feel that for a moment. Like that's what we don't want to happen right? Is you forget about it. yeah so I think that helped instead of me. Abby your phone you know come get it and and said I just never had a phone. She hadn't had the habit of how do I remember this and you know that that's just recognizing that's gonna need some building.

Kyle Wester (17:43.384)
but I don't actually want her to lose her genuine phone. So the support you gave was, I'm gonna carry this just for a moment, let her experience that. ⁓ And it wasn't from some judgmental place, but let me support this growth of learning this. Well, so ownership, the key point of that is we'll help them build responsibility. Number three is commit to the long game. We mentioned this in our last episode, if you listen to...
new foundational things you could be doing in your family, but we just want to emphasize it again, that basically ⁓ expect slow progress. Like skills are hard to learn going back to how long it takes to be a good soccer player, to be a good anything. It takes a lot of time doing it. And there's going to be temporary regression. At times kids are going to get bad at it again or mess up or not be as focused, right? Especially during times of stress or transition.
that thing they might've been good at before, they may not seem good at it now. You'll notice, I think this is a really tricky place for parents, because you'll go, wait, ⁓ they've been doing this. Yeah. And now they aren't. ⁓ But that's very, very normal for kids. When I worked with little kids, they would walk and then they, you know, we expected these times of ⁓ sleep regression. Probably everybody knows that when they were sleeping. know. they're waking up twice, you know. But just realize in all areas, that is true.
your teenager, their brains are doing so much, they're gonna master and fail and master and fail and that's okay, that's part of the process. That's great. So why that works is because consistency, and so I want you to think of this in regards to the brain, consistency will actually build the neural pathways that they need for the habit, okay? Number four, replace your lectures with short prompts. Try saying things like, oh, what's your next step? What's the reminder that we chose?
⁓ Or do you want help or need some space right now? ⁓ Yeah, so instead of coming in and saying ⁓ brush your teeth say ⁓ you have a checklist right? Yeah checklist for the morning. Just a nod to the thing that you're wanting them ⁓ to do. To reference back to. Right. ⁓ So kind of pointing them back to that ⁓ and or hey it's gonna be cold outside what do you think you need? Yeah. Versus

Kyle Wester (19:53.538)
get your coat exactly. Yes. No, yeah. Kind of helping them build those skills of thinking, what's the next thing? What do need to do now? I think a lot of times when our kids were forgetting stuff, you helped by getting the car and just say, Hey, think about it. Did you forget anything? You know, did you leave anything? And yeah, I totally forgot my code or I totally like, and so just getting the habit of
teaching them to pause and just reflect and maybe they didn't forget anything, right? So you don't even just do it when they didn't forget anything, you know? You do it every time to build that habit. We're going to school, does everyone have everything? What do we need? And they would list off the things and then they could do that. Yes, I've got everything. When we leave a restaurant, you know, we've done this plenty of times. We've left sunglasses behind or we've, you know, and so I often, I don't do this one.
All the time, but most of time it's we stand up and I tell everyone, look back, did you get everything? So just that glance back at the table, did I ⁓ pick up everything? ⁓ And now I'm leaving. ⁓ Can I give an example? There was just a ⁓ family I was coaching just the other day where the parent tends to turn into this teacher lecturing parent, right? ⁓ And the kid was saying they didn't like that. And the parent was like, Hey, I want to change that. But I was like, man, that's going to be hard to change. That habit has been ingrained in your parent for a long time.
So could we come up with some way to shift that, right? And the parent was like, well, just ⁓ I'd like my kid just to say, you're being teacher parent, ⁓ you're being like, and so that was just a prompt. It was just a prompt to become the parent that they actually wanted to be and not slip back into that. So I that was really helpful. Number five, let's remove shame from the process. So what we're gonna do instead is separate the kid's behavior from their identity. And I know this seems simple, but that is huge. ⁓
Your kid is not what they do or what they forget. Talk about the habit, not the kid. Like your kid, because they didn't do the habit or aren't getting it, it doesn't mean they're incompetent or they're lazy or they're irresponsible. Those kinds of things become very personal and that's going to put them on the defensive and less open to learning that. Yeah. And they're going to feel so discouraged about themselves. It's really just, okay, haven't learned it yet. Haven't mastered it yet, but we will. So what do need to do? What will help?

Kyle Wester (22:9.378)
Well, helps kids also understand that kids learn best when they feel safe with you. If they feel like you're going to do this stuff and shame them or be sarcastic and kind of make fun of them, it's, they're not going to want to do it with you. number six, use calm and not control. So pause before you respond. know I needed to get so much better after this, after Abby would lose a water bottle again. Yeah. But I ⁓ play pause before responding, ⁓ regulate yourself first. Okay. Because I know Abby told me that so many times she did not tell me about
for getting a water bottle because she was afraid I was going to blow up and I was going to get angry at her. And so I remember one time after I did a conference and I was talking about this particular skill, she's like, Dad, you don't do that when when my water bottles missing like you get really mad. And then I don't want to tell you. And my the reason was getting mad is I wanted to control it. I wanted to Well, it goes back to that change. Yes. Yes. We talked about this before. Yeah, but using anger to change them. Instead of Yeah. So a regulated parent
is actually able to support the kid because they're in the regulated part of their brain. And they're actually able to help the kid build that because then the kid is in the regulated part of their brain. We're all in the prefrontal cortex. And now we can really co-create and brainstorm together how to build that habit. Yeah. And it's OK because it's such a great learning opportunity to say, the child say, well, I put a sticky note on my mirror to remind me. But then I never went back in the bathroom or something. So then they learn, OK, so the sticky note didn't work. What else would be?
So their brains from and they learning, they're making mistakes and they're problem solving and creating new ways. And what a great skill. So we want to embrace that. Number seven, scaffold, then release. ⁓ Well, what does that mean? Well, identify where the habit breaks down. You kind of just did it. identify where the habit breaks down and then add some temporary support and gradually step back. Right? I mean, this is, I remember us doing this so many times with so many different habits where
You're just trying to help brainstorm, okay, what was the step we missed? Like you had a plan. So this is really great when it comes to doing schoolwork, remembering your homework, remembering to turn stuff in. It's like, but like when you're doing this, so at the heart of it, Sarah, you've got to trust that the kid will get there. ⁓ You've got to come not from fear. Like, ⁓ God, like look at that. See, you didn't even follow through with that. Instead it's just like, no, they just missed that step. Let's go. Or maybe that plan wasn't an effective plan. That's what this whole process is about. ⁓ Or to see, I mean, I think maybe. ⁓

Kyle Wester (24:31.930)
I like the cleaning the room thing, but where you think I saw you do this for four days in a row ⁓ and now ⁓ this huge problem. And then you find out that something happened that day and they were overwhelmed and it just, so, so again, even if you think they've mastered and then it, and then something goes wrong, there's probably some reason for that, know, and learning to explore that and learning to teach your child how to explore the breakdown. Yeah. Yeah. And just the ⁓
just that was it something as simple as, I never went back in the bathroom to see a sticky note, or I was super worried because I found out my friends and grandma's, you know, so there's a lot of little pieces to it. And, and it, you know, we just got to realize, like we've said before, it's the long game. We want to explore these things, find out where the breakdowns are. And scaffolding works because it builds competence. It teaches them the skill when they're not with you on how to build habits that they know it's a step-by-step process. I need to be patient with myself. I'll get there.
That's a lifelong, right? Number eight, max match expectations to development. So adjust your expectations based on age, ⁓ emotional load, personality, nervous system capacity, right? So just make sure you're expecting realistic things. And this works because realistic expectations, reduce conflict and increase success. Okay. When we, mean, we all, no one likes it when someone's expecting us to be successful at something that
We don't think we can succeed that. And many times I don't want to talk to you about it. I want to tell you when I failed at it, I want to hide it from you, right? Because I think you just think I should just know it. And I know some of the times that really frustrates kids. I don't even know what they're talking about. I don't know how to do that thing. Maybe I did it once, but it was lucky. And it might be super obvious to us. might think, oh, yes, you do. But if they're not doing it, let's revisit. Maybe they don't know what you think Maybe they're misunderstanding what don't feel competent in what you think they should feel.
Okay. Number nine, focus on one habit at a time. So build one solid habit for adding another thing. So many times we're, we're trying to ask them to do a bunch of habits, know, like this is great. Okay. New Year's I've got my 10 list. ⁓ I you to get good at all of these things. Really, really, really. If you can just hone in on one, it's going to be successful. when in temple this, I remember there's a time where you really wanted

Kyle Wester (26:48.206)
are older to to be better by doing the dishes. Right. And I told you at that time, I was really busy with work and I didn't feel like I had the time to support them to do it. But after a couple of months went by, I did have the time I said, Hey, let's do it. And the goal was like, you can kind of set a goal for the next 30 days, or next two months, we're gonna follow these steps that that Kyle and Sarah are talking about. Let's pick the habits. Let's just focus in just get that one. Right. And you'll feel really encouraging rather than doing three, four or five. And then
not being consistent with all of them and so forth. Yeah. ⁓ So why that works is overloading kids will lead to failure and discouragement. They'll start to think they can't do it, you know, and then they'll just be like, I don't want to even try. Okay. So number 10 is repair when things go sideways. ⁓ So when, they aren't doing the habit at times, you will get frustrated, you will get upset. And so it's great to come back and repair that. You know, I love this sentence. I got frustrated earlier and that wasn't very helpful. it? Can we reset on that? ⁓
And then the kid goes, okay, yeah, okay. Then it's not like a blown opportunity. We can just go back, we can reset and then learn how to do these other steps with them. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's, yeah. and it works because repair strengthens the trust between you and the kid and helps them be more receptive and open to learning from you. Yeah. Cause we, again, we don't want them motivated by the anger. We don't want them motivated by the shame. So if we, as parents mess up and move in that direction, we want to go, ⁓ wait,
that's not what we wanna do. Let's rewind, let's go back over here and let's try that again. So then you're kind of fixing that so that narrative doesn't stay in their head that I need to clean my room because you're gonna be so mad at me or I'm a ⁓ horrible person if I don't. So a great first step to start to do is today you and your spouse ⁓ sit down and write down kind of what is just one habit that you'd like your kids to get better at? ⁓
Kind of assess, is this age appropriate? How can we help support them? And do that with this mindset that your child isn't resisting responsibility. Your kid actually does want to take responsibility, okay? ⁓ They're learning a skill their brain is still building, so it's gonna take some time, it's gonna take some patience. ⁓ Habits grow where there is patience, where there's partnership, repetition, and trust. So go in with that mindset, and we'd love to hear your feedback. Like as you do this,

Kyle Wester (29:7.252)
over through January into February. Love to hear about the successes you're having as you're helping them build new habits and also helping build their confidence that they can build new habits. And habits are so important. know, like a book that we really love by Sean Covey, ⁓ the son of Stephen Covey is seven habits of highly effective kids. ⁓ And what he talks a lot about in there is how habits begin to form who you are, right? And that's why they are so important. So these conversations and the way you approach them
are crucial to your kid understanding how to build healthy habits because otherwise they're gonna build habits and they're either gonna be helpful to him or hurtful to him. ⁓ And you really want them to feel confident that when they need to build a healthy habit, they know how to do it, okay? This is definitely a skill we use our whole lives, right? Yeah, so I hope that gives you the steps going into the new year. Habits for you, habits for them, and we look forward to hearing back from you. ⁓ Leave comments below or you can email me at kyle at artofraisinghumans.com.
If you want to share some of those stories, we'd love to listen to those and maybe share some of those stories on the podcast next time we record. So I hope you're having a wonderful January and have a great day.