Episode 200

Episode 200 Transcript:

Kyle Wester (31:4.590)
Do you ever wake up at night and have these fears that your kid's gonna go off to college and never call you or you're gonna lose connection with them and they're gonna go off to this big scary world and ⁓ it's gonna slowly become just this random holiday thing where they come over occasionally. And like, know so many parents are afraid of this outcome. ⁓
Sadly, it is reality for a lot of parents and maybe it is for you and your own parents when you left off to college. ⁓ But you know, that ⁓ doesn't have to be the outcome for you and your kids. ⁓ And that change ⁓ starts today. How you approach the relationship, how you deal with conflict and their growing independence, ⁓ how you deal with that and your ability to evolve and grow is going to make all the difference. So Sarah and I are going to talk to you today.
give you clear steps on how, ⁓ man, in the elementary years, definitely in the middle school years, you can be taking clear, specific steps to make sure your relationship is intact through these big transitions. As they go off to high school, go off to college, as they get married and so on and so forth, all these things to where your relationship doesn't become eroded over time, but actually deepens over time. And so today also is a big day for us.
It's our 200th episode today and we're so excited to do this episode with you today. It would be great. mean a lot to us if you celebrated with us by ⁓ leaving a review on the podcast and commenting how this podcast has helped you ⁓ in your evolving ⁓ way that you are parenting and connecting with your kids. ⁓ And we really hope you find this episode valuable to you and helping you not be so afraid about your kids growing independent of you and instead helps you be able to sit back.
and be encouraged as you watch your kids grow and change with you instead of separate from you. So ⁓ hope you have a pen and paper or ready to take some notes and you enjoy this episode. Thank you for listening.

Kyle Wester (0:1.048)
Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle. Hey everybody, I'm Sarah. And Sarah, today is a big episode. Do know why? I do. Why? It's 200. Episode 200. Yeah. Did you think we'd get here? I don't think I thought about it. Yeah. Yeah, but yeah. Yeah, I just think it's really cool to reflect on if you have not listened to
some of our past episodes. Well, I definitely encourage you to go past a couple of weeks ago. We did that awesome interview with Kirk Martin and his son Casey talking about fathers and what that's like. But when I look back of the 200, we started out in our closet, ⁓ master closet, just recording audios, no video. So if you want to see video, we started doing the YouTube. So go subscribe over YouTube, watch us on video if you want to do that. I know I'm a YouTube guy. I like to watch things on YouTube. So if you want to go that way, but
We've gone from doing this little microphone to like getting better lighting and better mics, but then getting fantastic guests around the world to come on. That's been really, really neat. That's been really cool. So if you're just joining us and you're hearing this 200th episode, go back. I we've got Dr. Dan Siegel, Dr. Tina Payne-Brice and Dr. Laura Markham, Dr. Cohen. I mean, these are like,
the big names in the parenting world, helping people parent from the inside out. And we've been able to really hear their wisdom and share it with you. So we encourage you to go back and check and just celebrate our 200 by just binging a bunch of our episodes. If you want to do that. What a fun way to spend, especially I bet it's, you know, this is probably late February that you're probably listening to this and it's probably snowy and cold. You know? So just like get a cup of coffee, Sarah, you've got a cup of coffee, a cup of coffee, have a fire on and listen to some podcasts.
and become a better parent, right? A better human. ⁓ Join us on the journey. That's right, okay. And so today our topic, that we wanted to discuss has come up quite a bit as we've talked to parents, ⁓ is lots of people are concerned ⁓ when their kids go off to college someday or leave the house, whichever that might be, ⁓ how are we gonna have a relationship that's still strong and connected? ⁓ Almost every time, Sarah, I'm working through...

Kyle Wester (2:15.138)
kids in like late elementary or early middle school and they're having problems with their parents, when I ask them kind of long term, what's the dream they have for their relationship with their kid? Like I hope they, when they go off to college, when they leave the house, that they'll still keep calling. They'll still keep, you know, ⁓ reaching out, asking for advice about dating, about career, right? And so that's why I'm like, well, what we're doing now ⁓ is going to make that more or less likely. Yeah. Yeah. I am. ⁓ I'm always kind of.
reading stuff about from parents, talking to parents. I'm in a mom's group, you know, just hearing different, different things. And, and, ⁓ I, this came up because I just had seen a lately, you know, so I feel like if I see it a lot, it's something to talk about. ⁓ But there's some parents who have that kid in college ⁓ and they're like, man, what happened to our relationship? I thought things were great. Then I I've got some parents in the high school, middle school years there, you know, they're kind of like me, like I look ahead and I think, man,
I want to be really close to my adult kids, right? ⁓ And so how do I do that now? Because I now is important and I hear these moms talking about it. And then some are saying, I'm already feeling some distance. I'm really worried. If I'm feeling distance now, what's that mean for the future? ⁓ So that's kind of a little ⁓ background to today's conversation. Well, the thing you were hearing was just fewer calls home. They're not as responsive. They're hardly ever, they don't really know what's going on in their kid's life. The kid is even maybe doing other activities.
maybe coming home for a short time and then leaving with friends to do something else. And they just feel a lot of confusion and a lot of grief, you know? And they're kind of asking like, how do I control this? How do I change all this? When really, you know, ⁓ what they're kind of asking is, is this normal? You did I do something wrong? ⁓ Did I miss something? Do I still have any influence? I want to add that a lot of the conversations of the people who feel like there's this distance there.
they don't even honestly understand. It'd be different if, wow, I was horrible. ⁓ But for a lot of them, felt like things were good. I don't understand what has happened. Yeah. But many times when we talk to these parents, you can kind of see a pattern had started happening a lot earlier, right? So ⁓ this podcast isn't about

Kyle Wester (4:29.868)
Here's what you need to do, text them more. ⁓ Or maybe start tracking them with Life360. It's not about clinging or pulling away or being more demanding, all those kind of things that I think anxiety and fear would kind of guide us to do. ⁓ But really this episode that we want to discuss is how do we protect the connection through any transition? mean, college, it's all colleges, it's just like a big transition, right? But any transition, ⁓ how do we somehow preserve and protect that connection? ⁓
when it's ⁓ built a lot earlier, like how do we do that back in middle school? How do we do that in elementary to then know how to do that when these bigger transitions happen? Right. Cause we know what happens in college. The groundwork for that happened years ago, ⁓ right? So, you know, I've got high schooler and middle school and what do need to be doing right now ⁓ that I maybe I'm making mistakes and I don't realize I'm making them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So we're right in the middle of this with you as well and learning it ourselves. And so
I think a big part of it, is you've got to reframe the goal of parenting. First of all, if the goal is obedience, ⁓ if the goal is compliance, ⁓ I mean, we know this. I've heard it from college kids. ⁓ College and moving out of the house feels like ultimate freedom. I'm finally out of their control. I was talking to a kid the other day. He's like, when I turn 18, you know what my goal is?
I'm getting off life 360. That was his goal. And it was so, it wasn't even so he could do quote unquote bad things. He just wanted to be able to go places without being tracked. Well, you just feel like you're under a microscope, right? Yeah. Yeah. I would say compliance. don't remember if that's in my, I mean, we on these notes forever, um, compliance, you know, where it's like, I'm just the good kid being compliant, doing what I'm supposed to be doing. But, um,
with your judgment on me and your little microscope on me at all times. That doesn't feel good. Your thumb on me, always watching me, checking my grades all the time, right? And instead, we want to, as soon as you can, I mean, when they're babies, ⁓ I want to change the goal to being relationship, trust, and influence, okay? And all them moving to colleges is just a continuation. Do you see how that's much more ⁓ sustainable than the other one?

Kyle Wester (6:45.356)
Right. And this shift doesn't start senior year. You can't start it then. I mean, you could try to start moving that direction, but if you haven't jump in now, it starts much earlier. Yeah. Yeah. It starts much earlier. And that leads to two important pillars. ⁓ Pillar number one is you want to move away from, we've discussed this in other podcasts to some extent, you want to move away from being a manager of their life to instead being a coach. You know, you're really a coach. You're kind of a consultant. Why? And that, that role needs to evolve.
⁓ Because it's really important because that's you can't sustain the manager stuff The kids are gonna start to resent that you know and so most parents actually don't lose connection in college They lose it because their role never evolved Yeah, and this is so important, and I think it's so hard because we are really good managers right about we have to step back even Even when we think this is gonna go badly. We need to step back. We've got kind of the
points of how to tell if you're a manager versus not being a manager. Well, and kind of like in childhood, kids actually want you to be a manager. They want you to manage some decisions that are way above their pay grade. Right. They're born and you need to be the manager. that's right. Yeah. And they feel safe. They feel safe. Like safer that you're in charge and that you're our whole parenthood is shifting.
that slowly away. Yeah, yeah. So like an adolescent, you're kind of transferring some of that responsibility over to them and ⁓ letting them feel more confident and competent on handling some of those decisions ⁓ and then moving into adult as they're merging into adulthood. Now you're just a supporter. You're a coach, right? Because that's what you want to be well into those adult years. It doesn't feel good to be managed. would not want to
someone to manage a everything I'm doing to be watching where I'm driving. Sometimes I just might want to stop and grab that cup of coffee. Maybe you think I didn't need that cup of coffee. So it doesn't feel good to have a manager. And so it doesn't feel good to live under that scrutiny in middle school and high school. They don't like it doesn't feel good because that's not what their brain is working towards. you mean you didn't like it early on in our marriage when we were trying to get out of debt and I would be looking at the credit cards all the time and you would go eat lunch a Panera and I just be like,

Kyle Wester (9:0.494)
How come you went to eat lunch up in there and you'd be like leave me alone if I want to eat lunch up in there I will eat lunch up in there. I was like, okay. I'm sorry. I just was trying to make sure we were keeping track of getting out of debt But so what manager mode sounds like this is how we know as parents were getting there and you and I can definitely slip into at a time Yeah, is is like whenever we're constantly reminding we're constantly correcting we're monitoring I mean so many parents are doing that with grades
And when we're stepping in real quick and taking over and starting to act like we need to solve our kids problems for them. Yeah. Yeah. I, ⁓ man, fall into this ⁓ way too often. Cause I see something slipping and I think, ⁓ maybe I need to support more. I to be reminding you more. ⁓ And ⁓ it's a constant, okay, how am I handing this off? Am I handing it off? Am I owning it too much? Am I not supporting enough? But that's such a great reminder.
This is the list of what a manager looks like. I doing those things? I need to back off. I need to do that for my nine-year-old, not my 16-year-old. Yes, that's right. Yeah. And so what coach sounds like, if we can slip into that coach or that consultant-type role, ⁓ is you're asking way more than you're telling. ⁓ So that's really important, asking more than telling.
that you really, really soak that one in asking more than ⁓ I love the second one that you trust the training that's already been done. You know, like a really, I remember when our kids were playing soccer, they're really good coaches, ⁓ aren't spending a lot of time coaching during the game. Coaching is happening during practice. ⁓ And then during the game, you are letting the kids go do what you practiced, right? And it doesn't, they're not going to do it perfect, right? But if you think you're going to
coaching, what you'll find coaches do, they start yelling more, they start getting more upset because that's actually not the place to do it. So I remember one of our kids coaches, he told all the parents, want you quiet. I'm going sit here and just watch them play because I've done all the coaching while they were actually practicing. Right. And so you have to see that as that's what happened before 12th. Yes. Yeah. And, I think this one hits really hard because you're not even trusting the kid. You're trusting yourself and you know, you messed up. Right? Cause if I'm going to trust the training that happened,

Kyle Wester (11:13.614)
you know, if I look at my 16 year old and go, I got to trust the training. It's really, did I do a good enough job when she was young? And that's really where the doubt is. That's it's not as much. don't trust her. I don't trust myself. Right. It's like, didn't give her what she needed. And then I move into maybe trying to cram it in. Maybe she does have it, but because she's still developing, I don't see it all all the time. It's not as if, maybe she doesn't, but now it's kind of like, there's a little piece that has to accept
that the training happened and now I need to just be this other role. I can't keep thinking you're still the eight year old that I can drill this, you know, we're trying to do this. ⁓ But it's really just that ownership of myself and where I think I failed. Yeah. ⁓ And this is kind of a deep one. So speak a little bit more of this, Sarah. ⁓ coach allows discomfort without abandonment. ⁓ Yeah. So, so this is so hard for parents, right? I think it's so hard for me.
to see them struggle ⁓ and then I want to move in. Yeah, fail. Maybe even big time fail. But ⁓ resisting the urge to go in ⁓ and become the manager again. It's like, don't worry, I'll up all the pieces. Because he immediately says, you can't do this. You can't do this. You need me to take over. And so it's like, got to sit in my own discomfort and I've got to let them be uncomfortable. So it might mean a kid gets a bad grade, ⁓
Maybe a kid gets a zero. Maybe kid has to have an uncomfortable conversation with a teacher because some stuff they didn't turn in. ⁓ All that stuff is super important. Yeah. And it's not abandoning them. We'll circle back to that. But it is letting them, ⁓ the stakes are lower, especially in middle school. We've just got to keep remembering this is a great time to learn ⁓ the discomfort. And then the last one is coach believes competence grows through experience. Right? And once again, that's such a great example of a
a really good coach in sports is they believe this isn't something you're going to have overnight. It's going to take a lot of games. And like, I know our kids coaches, the more games they can play, the more they can practice the skills we're learning. And it's just like life. In some way, you know, like maybe this is the wrong way to sell it, to say it, but it's like, you want to celebrate the mess ups in some way. There's a PC who goes, Oh good. They're learning this now. Right. And so you're almost happy. It's like, it's okay to make mistakes because

Kyle Wester (13:34.164)
I'm seeing the learning that's happening here and I'm so grateful for that versus I'd never want a mistake to happen. Yeah, and middle school is the I think the ideal time to start making the shift. ⁓ Mistakes are much lower stakes there and learning is still relational and trust is being formed. So I'm always encouraging Sarah when it comes to school when it comes to sports activities like.
really by sixth grade really need to be focusing on how are we shifting this relationship? How are we changing? Be very intentional because that's not your habit, right? You've spent 12 years or 11 years being the manager. So you have to work so hard to shift that. You know, well, here's some beliefs you that naturally your kids will want to start internalizing. You want your kids to do this. ⁓ And it's really worth slowing down and being thoughtful about is, ⁓ I can struggle and still be trusted.
I love that. Another one is I can fail and still be connected. You know, I don't lose the relationship because I fail. I don't have to perform to keep the relationship. You know, and these beliefs are what keep kids calling you from college. You know, so you start forming those in those middle school years, get those solidly where that kid knows for sure. ⁓ I want to just touch on that trust one. You know, it feels so good if someone, even if you mess up, if someone's like, Hey, I believe in you, I trust you in this.
And not that you're going to be perfect, but they trust you and who you are. And if something goes wrong, then you'll figure it out. You'll, you'll find a new path, you know? So it's not that you're conveying to your child, trust you to not ever mess up. It's that I see you, I trust you and how you'll show up in life. ⁓ Not that it's going to be perfect, but that you will, you know, ⁓ keep going and be able to do this. and all those, all those really help keep the connection solid.
And help them like really it protects that connection because college kids they don't pull away because they don't love their parents You know, I don't ever hear a kid tell me that yes, I just don't love my parents Yes, deep down this they may feel not feel like it's possible, but they would want it Yeah, they typically pull away for a few different reasons a lot of reasons, but a few that we kind of summed up every call Feels coercive. Yeah feels like they're doing it cuz mom or dad are making me feel guilty about it if I didn't every conversation feels

Kyle Wester (15:52.716)
like an evaluation, like they're taking a test, know? What are your friends like? What's going on? And it's like, I know it's all just like, there's like this pass fail no matter what, you know, how's your room? you doing your laundry? And then this is a big one. Disagreement feels unsafe. Yeah, it's a really big Because there's a lot of fear of what are they learning? How are they changing? And then like, so if the kid starts to think for themselves, like it's like, my gosh, they get afraid and then.
It's like they don't even want to talk to their parent about the ways in which they're thinking differently about certain things because their parents will get scared and start to argue with them. So college is a really big time for people to be trying different thoughts out. And it doesn't mean that's where they're going to land. But it's super scary to parents, right? Because we think, where is this going to go? so even though it's normal to think maybe some different political thoughts, or I know we're going to get to that list, but you can have these different thoughts, it's super scary as a parent to sit there.
and listen, ⁓ you know, be worried about where that's gonna go. And it's very normal for them to be trying on different thoughts. ⁓ And so in those, if ⁓ they've already been experiencing you as a coach for a long time, then they're not coming afraid to share that with you, you because they actually want your thoughts on it. You know, they'll be like, I was thinking this, what do you think, right? And then they don't need distance from you to grow, because you already gave them room to grow.
⁓ You were okay with the times that you disagreed. Instead of them always having to, don't question me, don't say no, don't have a different thought than me. But they've learned through those high school years that, this is how we disagree. You say it this way, I see it this way. And it's not about winning and losing who's right and who's wrong. It's about the conversation and curiosity. So pillar one was moving away from that manager role and more into a coach or consultant. Pillar two is ⁓ learning how to do communication.
with your kid at an early age that will survive the differences. That connection doesn't break just because the kid disagrees with you. It breaks when disagreement feels threatening to the relationship. I mean, I've seen it time after time that parents who I know their heart is broken because they desperately want to talk to their kid about it. And I really do believe the parent wants to do it, but the kid doesn't trust it. The kid thinks if I really told them what I think on these things, I've I learned that a long time ago. They freak out and they get mad.

Kyle Wester (18:9.186)
They tell me they don't want to hear it. You know, it just turns into a big argument So the kid learns to not tell you and they just start telling their peers, know They talk to them or they talk to no one. Yeah, it's gonna learn. Yeah, either It's scary if I tell you you're worried about me. You think I'm wrong. You're just gonna give me a lecture about it You know all those things go through so if they have it, you know as a parent We have to decide am I gonna have a relationship my child if they do have a different thought than I do. Yeah. Yeah
And so then a lot of things that can change, and I know these even change for us in college, right? And the point of going to college is to learn about your career, but it's also to be talking to other people from different walks of life, right? So things that typically college kids are wrestling with, different types of values, different politics, different priorities, different, their schedules are just different than you'd like them to be, they're staying up super late, and different beliefs, maybe even religiously, all those kind of things.
and then some lifestyle choices, right, as well. So all those things are gonna pop up and they're gonna want to come back and share those with you if it's a safe place to do that. And then if you wanna have influence with that, you've gotta be creating that pattern early in their life, right? And so just, ⁓ when you look at just the research on this, ⁓ if a conflict at home was handled through control, so if you look at the, kinda look at the research about this, but also the pattern just happens in families, right?
kids start to avoid it ⁓ once they feel independent. ⁓ So just like some kids have Life360 ⁓ and they don't mind it. They actually feel safer that they do. They're like, yeah, my parents are, but like this, ⁓ one kid I'm helping, he's like, I can't wait to get off that. Cause he sees Life360 as an effort to constantly keep him from- It's a tool of control, not safety. Yeah. And then the second thing is if conflict was handled through curiosity and respect,
your kid will stay engaged, you know? And like that's what I'm constantly trying to change that as soon as I can when I'm coaching parents, ⁓ change this approach because I wanna see your kid do it. And like, if you go back to the interview honey with ⁓ Casey and Kirk, I know I did that without you, but that's what Casey was talking about is Casey felt like his dad trusted him. And because his dad trusted him, he trusted his dad.

Kyle Wester (20:18.540)
You know, ⁓ and then when I asked them, like I'm telling you for listeners, it gives me kind of goosebumps thinking about it. But when I asked him, what's so different about you ⁓ and how like, not to say you're better than your dad, but I mean, in what ways are you better than your dad? And he said, I have a relationship with my dad. And he's like, my dad doesn't have one with his, you know? And he's like, ⁓ because my dad changed how he parented me, I then wanted his wisdom. I wanted his knowledge. I wanted to be close to him.
because I thought he trusts me. And we want to be with people. Yeah, that was really powerful. And so low conflict, when you have low conflict growing up, does not always mean strong connections. Some people, like you said, they're looking back on these college, we hardly ever fought. We hardly ever, I thought it was great. Sometimes it just means the child learned not to share with you. So it doesn't always mean that, but that's always what the message the kid got. And I'm telling you, I've seen this where parents are completely confused why the kid
And sometimes it's through subtle messages the parents gave. Maybe they made a comment about something on the TV and the kid goes, ⁓ I kind of agreed with that thing. I can't say that now because they looked really mad when they said that. And the parent doesn't even know that. ⁓ And so sometimes the kid not bringing it up, not having conflict doesn't mean the kid feels they can share it with you. A hundred percent. Yeah. hundred percent. Yeah. So this is what healthy communication looks like. So let's give you kind of, I like to, when we're doing this,
have an imagination and an understanding, a vision of how do I know if I'm getting to this place where my kid can have this healthy communication. So it's not about agreement. So healthy communication is not about us always agreeing. That's not gonna happen. ⁓ But it is about regulation, meaning the kid can trust that we can disagree and we're not gonna start yelling at each other. We're not gonna start flipping out. ⁓ So some of these statements are helpful. I can stay regulated when we don't see this the same way.
Is that true for you? ⁓ I care more about understanding you than winning an argument or a debate. ⁓ That was hard. I'm up, that was hard in my house. ⁓ It was about winning the debate. You're allowed to think differently and you still belong. Yeah, I think that's a really, man, this just hit so hard. ⁓ But that...

Kyle Wester (22:37.076)
I still will have relationship with you if we don't agree. ⁓ You still belong in this family, you still belong in this relationship. Because I think too much relationship is used ⁓ as the tool that's gonna, you have to agree with me and kids will just shut down and you think you have the relationship but you actually lost it. ⁓ And so here's a few prompts that I think, Sarah and I think will be helpful. ⁓ We try to keep this in mind too when we're doing the exact same thing with our kids.
is this is a good question. ⁓ Help me understand or a good statement. Help me understand how you're thinking about this. ⁓ Another one is that's different than how I see it. Tell me more. I love that one. That's great. Yeah. I don't love this choice ⁓ and I trust your learning. Right. So maybe it's like saying I don't really think that's the best way to go. ⁓ But I do love that you're learning and that you're open.
Because ⁓ if they're learning and they're growing, that means they're still open, which is great, right? But it may not mean you necessarily love where they landed on that. Yeah, because it's not. And ⁓ what I love about that last one, I mean, that's a really sweet spot in a relationship where you can say, you know what? I don't think that's the right move. Yeah. But your child feels like you trust them. They feel like they can make a move. ⁓ And they can talk to you about it, not just hide it. ⁓
You know, ⁓ I love that that piece is still there, but the parent still gets to show up honest. ⁓ You know, they're not just like, honey, anything you want. know. Yeah. And that's not what we're looking for either. And that's not what the kid wants either. The kid wants you. What a great relationship where it's like, okay, I don't think, but I'm here for you. If it goes well, if it doesn't go well, I'm with you. And like you're saying, did those responses protect their autonomy, their independence, that they're not you, which is great, but it also protects attachment.
You know that we're in this with you. You're not alone, right? And that's the balance you're seeking, right? ⁓ So here's some brain science We thought would just be helpful for you to know. Okay when kids are coming into adulthood their brains still developing So, I mean like they're gonna do it well into their early 20s. ⁓ So I mean in college, they're not a like finished product They're still they're still growing in their ability to make choices ⁓ You know decide what they want to do with their lives a lot of big things are happening that their prefrontal cortex is still helping them grow to do this stuff the prefrontal cortex is still

Kyle Wester (24:53.676)
wiring judgment, impulse control, and long-term planning. Right? It takes so long. Yes. Get over this. Yes. Yeah. But like even I think some kids though, even when they're taking like a gap year, think part of it is they're trying to, they're working on this stuff, right? They're like, don't, I need to get better at my judgment, my impulse control. helps me so much as a parent. I remind myself of this all the time because it's just so helpful to think, okay, they're not the end product. I mean, this is going to be developing for years. Yeah. When parents do though respond with fear or control,
the brain does start to read danger, danger, danger, you know? Like the emergency alarm goes off. I should never have told them that. shouldn't have ever shared that with them, right? I mean, how many times did you do that yourself when you were in your early 20s? You told your parents something they freaked out and you're like, I never should have brought that right? I regret saying that. You couldn't handle it. Yeah. When parents respond with calm curiosity, the nervous system stays open. Okay. And that's what you want. want, if you start that early on, mean, wait, like we're talking about middle school, late elementary years.
then their nervous system will stay open and they're gonna be open to you. And an open nervous system always keeps the relationship intact, okay? So, here's, we wanna wrap this up talking about ⁓ how to integrate this into, ⁓ in just your parenting, okay? So what this looks like ⁓ after they leave, okay? If these shifts, if these shifts were made earlier, I just want you to imagine this. So if you start doing this now, this is what it could look like and we've seen it.
Happen with couples and their kids they leave the house and go off to college You know what they do kids call you because they want to Wouldn't that feel good? I've seen kids do it. I've seen kids who want to do that. I miss my mom. I miss my dad. I want to call him. Yeah They also share mistakes instead of hiding ⁓
Yeah, because they're going to make them and you want them to call you you only share your mistakes with the people you feel. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. And a lot of a lot of kids, that's just their friends. They ask for advice instead of avoiding it. Okay. And then lastly, they feel respected and not monitored. Connection overall for them becomes voluntary. And that's the kind of connection that will last a lifetime. Right. So, so basically

Kyle Wester (27:8.576)
You know, here's what's normal. What's normal when your kids are starting to grow up, and we're using college, but it could be even as they go into high school, they're busy, they're driving, they're now working, all these things happen. So these, we're talking about transitions. College is just a big one that's obvious. But what's normal is there's gonna be less contact, right? I there's gonna be, it's gonna be hit or miss more than it was before. There's gonna be more independence ⁓ and their priorities are just gonna shift. So obviously, spending more time with friends, know, bonding with friends.
maybe if they're dating and they have a relationship or they're working and they're trying to work towards a goal, you know? ⁓ I know several kids who are seniors right now and they're just never home. Because they're just so busy doing so many things, they're to They're building something and they're creating this life in front of them. so it does start to erode connection, some of that, but we can definitely ⁓ make that connection erode so much faster if we ⁓ have
chronic correction, ⁓ if there's fear based responses to their independence, ⁓ you know, we're like ripping really hard, ⁓ unsafe disagreements, meaning we're escalating, we're yelling, we're threatening, ⁓ and the role just never evolves. And so that's just to slowly erode that connection to by the time they leave, it's hardly there, you know, or the kid can't wait to leave. I know, like they leave, they close that door behind them and they're out. Yeah, your job, you loved this quote.
It's your job your job. Our job is to build a relationship with our kids. They don't need distance from Yeah, it's it's not it's not closeness through control like if you're watching us on YouTube I'm grabbing Sarah. It's not closeness through control. It's not connection through proximity It's relationship through trust, which is what we want man when they're gonna grow up and become adults, you know ⁓
So if college right now, if your kid is in college and it feels like a loss right now, it doesn't mean you failed, okay? It means you're standing at a threshold, like ⁓ you have an opportunity. ⁓ With the right shifts, this can become one of the richest relational seasons of your parenting. It doesn't have to be the end of connection. It's just gonna be a deeper version of it, ⁓ right? So allow, like let go of the fear.

Kyle Wester (29:28.844)
Let go of the control and allow the relationship to evolve like it's naturally intended to. And it's supposed to in a healthy way and that your kid wants it to. Your kid doesn't want you gripping their hand, but they also don't want you just completely letting go, right? They would still love to hold your hand through some of those tough times. ⁓ So I hope ⁓ this came as a timely ⁓ moment, whether your kid is getting into about to transition this next year into sixth grade, into high school.
or even into college, all of those ages, this information, if you're able to integrate it, really contemplate it, implement it, it's gonna really help change your relationship with your kid in a really healthy way. ⁓ And we wanna thank you for joining us on our 200th episode. ⁓ Man, ⁓ we'd love to celebrate with you. It means a lot to us whenever ⁓ you do rate and review it. That always means a lot. So celebrate with us on our 200th episode by taking a moment to do that.
And if you're needing help on doing this transition, reach out to me at kyle at art of raising humans.com. I'd love to connect with you and talk about how we can possibly help you start implementing this kind of change in your family. So have a wonderful day.