Episode 172

Episode 172 Transcript:

I think one of the most challenging parts of being a parent, at least personally for Sarah and I, is so many times ⁓ finding ourselves getting triggered and acting like little children. I know you've been there, right? You've had these moments where a conflict arises and before you know it, you're basically saying, I know you are, but what am I? Or I'm gonna take my ball and go home. And it just seems like we get in these cycles of where we'll start to get dysregulated.
and then will become super immature. And it's all a battle of wills and it's all of, you know, it's my way and not your way. And that's why we wanted to bring on our guest today, Shelly Robinson, who she's got a huge following on Instagram and she is the president and owner of Raising Yourself. ⁓ And she is so good at discussing the work of healing the inner child in us.
You know, I know that sounds kind of counselorly or therapy, she's, she's not a counselor. I mean, she's a, a mom of two kids who has worked hard to do the work, to study and learn and become a conscious parenting coach and to help parents do that inner child work, because it's the work that our kids need us to do. Cause otherwise it's just like the little kid and us yelling at the little kid we're looking at, instead of us actually taking those moments, those opportunities with our kids to
actually become better human beings. And by the end of the podcast, she's going to leave you with not only fantastic tips, but also some amazing practical tools that you can get today and start implementing with your kids to change this, this, this ⁓ stuff that we tend to do where the wounded version of us starts wounding our kids back. And this is how we just repeats ⁓ the kind of toxic cycles that can happen in families, you know? So I know you're going to enjoy the conversation. If you haven't already first stop, take a moment to rate review. ⁓

Kyle And Sara Wester (2:28.686)
⁓ If you have a comment about how this has helped you, we'd love to hear it and definitely ⁓ get ready to share this one because it's going to be very insightful on your journey for parenting and you're gonna want to share it to other people. So send it on to other friends who are also trying to heal and do that inner work so they can be a better parent ⁓ to their kids. ⁓ sit back, take a moment to enjoy our conversation with Shelley Robinson.

Kyle And Sara Wester (0:1.166)
Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans, I'm Kyle. Hi, I'm Sarah. And today, Sarah, we are excited to have a very special guest with us. It's somebody that you and I have been following on Instagram for quite some time. You know, it's somebody who's been killing it on the gram, teaching us about how ⁓ to raise ourselves. ⁓ And I know we resonated with that because- when I saw, I was like,
this into this. Yeah, yeah. it's exactly what we've been saying for a long time, that really this parenting journey is about a transformational thing that's happening in us. Like our kids stuff that we're dealing with with them. It's a gift. It's meant to be there to help us change and grow. And I think every parent wants it. Every parent wants to be a better mom, dad, a better husband, a wife, better man, whatever it is, we're all wanting to get better and our kids can help.
be a part of that process, right? As they're going through their messiness and all that kind of stuff, you know, kind of forces me personally to face my stuff in ways I wouldn't face it without the kids being in my life. And heal. And heal, that's great, yes. And so today, without further ado, we wanna welcome Shelly Robinson ⁓ and to the podcast. Hello, Shelly.

Shelly (1:12.079)
Hello, thank you so much for having me and thank you for those kind words. I love our missions and I'm so glad to be here to talk to you today.

Kyle And Sara Wester (1:18.700)
And Shelly, are you surprised by the impact that you have had over the past four or five years? I mean, know your Instagram account now is up to like 500,000 and ⁓ so many people are tuning in to hear about this idea that seems almost kind of niche, but it's very important, but raising yourself. How did you stumble into that and why are you so passionate?

Shelly (1:40.121)
Yeah, I'm very surprised. started off as, you know, during the pandemic, it was a little bit of a hobby and I needed to get out of the house. And by out of the house, I mean in my backyard patio where I brought my laptop ⁓ while the kids were inside. And it became very apparent to me while living with my kids and my husband in very close quarters, how much work I had to do on myself, right? Because we were all on top of each other. were all...

Kyle And Sara Wester (1:51.214)
you

Shelly (2:6.285)
at some point scared, annoyed, overwhelmed with what was happening in the world. And I was having a really hard time regulating my own emotions. And the more I spent time at home with my kids in close quarters, the more I just was confronted with my own ego and my own triggers. And so I just started writing little, you know, quotes and graphics and reflections. And I was very pleased to see that people resonated with me that there was that there were a group of parents out there who were also willing to do that.
Same word.

Kyle And Sara Wester (2:37.890)
Yeah, it's hard work. ⁓ And ⁓ I think it takes a minute to even see it, to even see what's happening inside of you in a given moment. So ⁓ I want to start there with, tell me about that. Tell me, you have this conflict with a child. I what does this look like to kind of go, what's happening inside of me?

Shelly (2:39.918)
It is.

Shelly (2:44.506)
Yes.

Shelly (2:48.442)
Yeah.

Shelly (2:59.225)
Yeah, you know what, I will share a story that happened when my son was around four years old that I think really captures the work of ⁓ raising yourself, reparenting the younger version of you. He was in his room, he did not want to get in the bath. So we were arguing as you do with a four-year-old boy who does not want to take a bath at the end of the day. And he just kept saying no to me and we were going back and forth and it was escalating, right? And something inside of me
just kind of snapped and I ended up screaming at him in that way where you immediately feel just disgusted and the guilt and the shame. And I don't know if you've seen the movie called Monsters Inc, but there's a scene where it's Sally, you know, and boo is looking up at him and he's a monster and she's terrified of him. It felt that I felt like Sally in that moment. And my son felt like boo. And I remember thinking, what was that? Because that wasn't normal. That was definitely an exception, but it scared me. It scared him.

Kyle And Sara Wester (3:39.342)
Yes! ⁓

Shelly (3:57.209)
And it was really the first time I was confronted with where did that come from? That wasn't like ⁓ normal surface level parental irritation where you're just kind of like, this is annoying. That was something deeper. And so that was really my first kind of introduction into is there like a younger version of me that came out there and just locked horns with my son? And as I, didn't know much about it at the time. That was 13 years ago. And I started reading about it and learning about it.
And so the Shelley who showed up in that moment was the Shelley who was not heard and the Shelley whose voice didn't matter. And all of that rage that had nowhere else to go just spilled out onto my son. And I get a little bit teary still talking about this because I remembered in that moment, I was like, I don't want to ever do that again. Like he didn't deserve that. And also that younger version of me needed to know that her voice did matter. And so it became like this healing journey where I didn't
I ever want to scream at him again like that. And also I wanted to make sure I knew that my voice mattered because in that moment it ⁓ still felt like it didn't. And so often when we're as parents, when we get into conflict with our kid, I often pictured that little version of us fighting with our children, right? So it's five-year-old Shelly fighting with five-year-old, you know, Chase or Grace or whoever I'm arguing with, right?

Kyle And Sara Wester (5:19.022)
⁓ Yeah. Well, it'd almost be interesting to videotape those encounters. ⁓ And if you were to watch it, you would see how we just kind of revert back to this very immature kind of ⁓ scared version of ourselves. And then you see it comes out as like this ⁓ anger, this intimidating thing almost to get that version of us to go away. You know? ⁓

Shelly (5:23.962)
Yeah.

Shelly (5:30.031)
Yes.

Shelly (5:34.991)
Yes.

Shelly (5:43.769)
Yes, yeah, it's a shield, yeah.

Kyle And Sara Wester (5:46.496)
You start repeating and you find that's when you find yourself repeating the phrases that were said to that little version of you. know, those messages start going through your head. How do you talk back to me? Why are you arguing with me? You can't say no to me. All those, those things. And how do you become aware of it? What do you, what do you do with it? What'd you do with it? Yeah.

Shelly (5:52.250)
Yeah?

Shelly (5:57.211)
Yeah.
Yeah.

Shelly (6:5.071)
Right, right. Yeah, I think that's ⁓ what re-parenting is all about. It's giving yourself what you did not get as a child that you needed. And that doesn't mean, I always like to say this, it doesn't mean you necessarily had a terrible traumatizing childhood, right? You could have for sure. There were lots of wonderful moments in my childhood. So this isn't about like shaming and blaming our parents. It's just noticing with compassion where you did not get the emotional support ⁓
and love, unconditional love that you needed and kind of taking those moments and giving them to yourself now as an adult. So if I believed as a little girl that my voice didn't matter and my opinion was invalid, what can I do today as an adult to ⁓ give myself that gift? I can set boundaries. I can speak up when I'm not comfortable with something. I can remind myself, you know, in situations that my opinion matters and that my voice matters. So it's really bringing that to life in real tangible ways.
so that you're ⁓ healing that younger version inside of you and not passing that hot potato of pain onto your children.

Kyle And Sara Wester (7:11.308)
Yeah. how long, ⁓ kind of tell us about the growth process you had. You're picturing this, I'm picturing that your son's four, and obviously it's been many years now. ⁓ How has that journey been? Like, what does success look ⁓ like for you now? If that was like, I don't want to do that, I don't want to give into the rage, what does success look like now?

Shelly (7:26.831)
Yeah.

Shelly (7:32.495)
You know, the first word that comes to mind when you say what a success looked like to me, it looks like repair because when I decided I wanted to break these cycles and raise myself, it didn't mean I was going to parent perfectly. It meant confronting ⁓ those triggers and those shadows when they did surface, you know, giving myself compassion, repairing with myself, and then also repairing with my child and letting them know that they were, it was never their fault that.
I got angry, right? And they're not responsible for my feelings. So success for me looks like humility and repair ⁓ over and over again. ⁓ And just staying in that relationship and working alongside your child instead of this top-down dynamic that so many of us grew up with.

Kyle And Sara Wester (8:19.884)
Yeah, I love that. ⁓ I love the ⁓ honor it gives to kids and the humanity it gives to them, you know, and, and how, cause they have so much that they're offering to us all the time. ⁓ And I know we were kind of talking about this before. It's like, they come so fresh into this world, so loving into this world. And there's so much we can, we can gain from that.

Shelly (8:28.559)
Yeah.

Shelly (8:32.815)
Right. ⁓

Shelly (8:38.555)
Yeah.

Kyle And Sara Wester (8:42.946)
How have you seen this? Because I find sometimes when parents are new to this, you know, it's a little scary because you do wonder, is this going to work? Or when a moment seems tough, you think,
⁓ that fear rises up that you've got, you want to revert back to these other ways. ⁓ And ⁓ so I love to hear when someone's been on this journey for a while, I love to just hear, how's it going? How's it working? What's the relationship? know, because I think it gives encouragement to people who are ⁓

Shelly (9:1.274)
Right. ⁓

Kyle And Sara Wester (9:14.178)
fresh and kind of worried that it's going to blow up on them and their kids are going to turn into terrible humans and everything's going to fall apart. So yeah, because because Shelley, we were, we were terrified. I don't know if you were, but when we started redoing and asking questions about the way our parents raised us and said, does it need to be that way? Do we have to like, it was, were like, what is going to happen to our kids? You're going to turn into these entitled, you know, kids who just think they can do whatever they want and there's no boundary. So I'd love to hear that kind of to follow up to what Sarah

Shelly (9:17.667)
Yeah. ⁓

Shelly (9:21.530)
Right.

Shelly (9:25.082)
Yes.

Shelly (9:38.426)
less.

Shelly (9:42.073)
Right.

Kyle And Sara Wester (9:44.152)
saying.

Shelly (9:44.845)
Yeah. my gosh. I love this question. And I love that I'm in the phase of parenting where this isn't brand new. And I kind of have, I don't know if proof feels like the right word, but just this kind of like reality of like, has, this is kind of so far the product of my investment in their relationship and my investment in my own healing. do my kids always do what I say because I'm parenting this way? Of course not. Like to ex, I just want to like put that out there to expect our children to comply all the time.
because we're on this healing journey and because we're choosing connection over domination doesn't mean they're not gonna push back, right? It's what we do as the adult in those moments when they do push back. And I think what my kids know, like where we are on this journey is that they can push back and that we're going to have mutually respectful conversations about ⁓ what looks fair, what looks, you know, where both of our opinions matter. And so ⁓ I think
What I love about how I've parented so far is that my kids know that we're going to always have communication and conversations when we are not on the same page. It's not going to be me dropping the hammer or grounding them or threatening them. And it's annoying. Sometimes I do want to drop the hammer. I'm not going to pretend that this is all like rainbows and unicorns. are times, especially my teen, right? He's getting into that age where he's a...

Kyle And Sara Wester (11:2.850)
Yes. Yes! ⁓

Shelly (11:8.505)
wonderful arguer and I'm always like, dude, you're going to be an attorney. Like you're just so he's so strategic when he argues and he often like puts me and he plays chess when he argues. And so I'm like, I really wish I could just threaten you because this is exhausting me. So I want to acknowledge parents who are trying, ⁓ who can hold space for that. Right. Like two things can be true. Like this is worth it. And also it's sometimes really annoying, but

Kyle And Sara Wester (11:24.526)
Yes. ⁓

Kyle And Sara Wester (11:29.080)
Yeah. Yep. ⁓

Shelly (11:34.043)
just not long ago, he said to me, mom, you said I could disagree with you and have a different opinion, and you are not allowing me to do that right now. You are dominating this conversation. And it was in that moment I was like, yep, I'm glad I'm doing this work because, oh my gosh, I had to just swallow that really hard pill. So that was a long answer to your question. But it's really just seeing them grow now, 10 and almost 15-year-old, and being able to like,

Kyle And Sara Wester (11:48.482)
Yeah. ⁓

Shelly (12:3.515)
push back ⁓ to me and their dad in a way that's respectful ⁓ and knowing that they're safe to do so, right? They're not scared of me, they're not scared of their dad, and that's on purpose.

Kyle And Sara Wester (12:14.838)
No, I love that. And I think definitely ⁓ we agree with you on the way in which this has kind of bore that kind of fruit where our kids now are working through those things they're conflicted about ⁓ with us. So then, you know, we're saying something, they disagree with it. And instead of them just, you know, either complying and then going off and doing it with their friends, like makes no sense what my parents said they did, you know, ⁓ or, or them just like blowing up at us. It's really like,

Shelly (12:28.623)
Yes. Yes.

Kyle And Sara Wester (12:44.054)
I mean, I would say probably some of the most beautiful moments with our kids ⁓ is us sitting with them and really understanding how they see it. And through that conversation, it actually helps me understand how I see it. Because actually lots of times I think I understand how I see it, but then I am just reverting back to just saying what was said to me, or I just want it, like you said, I just want it to be done. I just want to be over this. I want us to somehow be past this.

Shelly (12:53.263)
Yeah.

Shelly (12:57.904)
Yeah.

Shelly (13:6.629)
Yeah. ⁓

Kyle And Sara Wester (13:9.614)
I want them just to accept that I'm right and they're wrong. Let's just get this done with, right? And then I look back, Shelly, that's how our marriage was to begin with. The marriage was like a lot of me saying, I think this, and I wanted Sarah just to be like, you're a genius, Kyle. Like, all of a sudden, like Sarah would be like, I don't agree with that. Or I'm like, what? You don't agree with that? And like, we had to work through how to do those same kind of discussions you're talking about to where we spoke to each other in a more respectful way, a kind way.

Shelly (13:13.327)
Yeah.

Shelly (13:28.474)
Yeah.

Kyle And Sara Wester (13:37.410)
We listen to each other and that's the ultimate goal is to help these kids be able to get into those relationships where I'm not having to figure it out for the first time with my wife. I already have the skill and we're able to just move forward in a more healthy marriage.

Shelly (13:44.185)
Right.
⁓ Right.

Shelly (13:52.407)
Absolutely, yeah. And I think teaching them ⁓ that sort of dynamic, that co-creation of relationship instead of that hierarchical, someone's always in power and someone else is always submitting and really not their voice isn't mattering. ⁓ For them to be able to see that in your marriage and then also how you're raising them, like what a gift to be able to pass on and for them to not have to deconstruct from that. ⁓ think there's like this work.
is so beautiful because I just think about my kids and your kids and all the parents doing this work, their children just having a lighter backpack to carry. Like, yeah, I'm sure I'm making mistakes and there's mistakes and there's going to be some stuff they have to deal with. I don't pretend to be like perfect in any of this, but I just want it to be a lighter back.

Kyle And Sara Wester (14:27.982)
Yeah, yeah.

Kyle And Sara Wester (14:38.726)
Yeah, and I think we know, I know I've heard you say this and we say this, ⁓ the goal is not to be perfect. You're not going to be perfect. And I always just think, I just want my kids, if something feels off, if something has hurt them or something is broken in the relationship, I just want them to feel like they can come to me.

Shelly (14:45.563)
Great, yes.

Shelly (14:57.562)
Yes.

Kyle And Sara Wester (14:57.870)
that I care about those feelings and those thoughts, that their voice matters. And if I'm not seeing it now, I want to see it. And it doesn't matter if they're 5, 10, 25, 30, I just want that kind of relationship going forward with them and to build that foundation.

Shelly (15:0.763)
Right.

Shelly (15:16.111)
Yeah. ⁓

Kyle And Sara Wester (15:17.234)
And I think, you know, right now this is of course, like you said, we're going to go, ⁓ man, I messed that one up. But you know, it's like, I'm trying ⁓ and hopefully you have a little less to weed through. you know, sir, I think that connects to the word I heard you use earlier, Shelly, but that word humility. And that's not actually a word that we've used a lot on the podcast. I really like that you pointed that out, ⁓ because it causes me to think about ⁓ the ⁓ statements that the best teachers are the best learners.

Shelly (15:27.715)
Yeah.

Shelly (15:32.272)
Yeah.

Shelly (15:45.221)
Yeah.

Kyle And Sara Wester (15:45.354)
And that when I think of humility, I think of the best teachers I had. They ⁓ saw every student as an opportunity to get better. ⁓ That every student, if they had problems or they weren't ⁓ learning as quick as that teacher expected, they were like, ⁓ this is going to help me become a better teacher. So could you speak to ⁓ why do you use that word so much? And ⁓ just what does that look like to be a humble?

Shelly (15:53.711)
Yeah.

Shelly (16:9.179)
⁓ Yeah, think humility for me, at least on my parenting journey, is the number one pillar that drives my relationship with my children because I think it's our job as parents to just let them teach us ⁓ what they need to feel seen and to feel heard and to feel cherished. ⁓ And if we didn't get that the way we deserved growing up, then we don't necessarily know how to do that for them. So it's our job to listen and say,
I think I know ⁓ how to do this because I have more lived experience, right? And my brain is fully developed and I'm an adult, but really they have so much to teach us and we cannot hear them when our ego is in the way. We just can't. And I will give you an example of something that actually just happened last night where I was required to be humble and it hurts my ego so much. ⁓ But my daughter made like a silly mistake, like helping me fill up her brother's...

Kyle And Sara Wester (16:59.726)
⁓ Yes. ⁓

Shelly (17:6.587)
vitamin tray that's irrelevant. But something about it, like the carelessness of it, I can be careless. And so when she's careless, it's kind a little triggering because I'm like, oh no, she's going to turn out to be like me, messy and chaotic. And what if I pass all that on to her? Like all those little voices. So I responded to her making this mistake. Not in the way you would hope because I'm always talking about let kids make mistakes, let them be messy.
And then I was not walking my talk last night and I responded and I didn't yell, but I responded in an irritated tone, right? And like, come on, like, how did you do that? It was like nine o'clock at night and I was tired ⁓ and ⁓ you know, she's not used to being spoken to like that. And she was so upset, understandably, but I was so triggered by it. I could not hear her. Like I couldn't.
understand why she was upset. Like she did not have the right to be upset. Like she's the one that made the mistake. Like little Shelly came out and was like, who are you to be mad at me? You're the one making the mistake and you should be more. Yeah. And I knew there was like this dual, like, you know, my ego's right here. And then the other side is me. was like, gosh, darn it. I'm to have to apologize in two minutes because I know I'm screwing up in the moment. And I couldn't like, it took a long time for me to get

Kyle And Sara Wester (18:5.680)
I didn't do that. You did that. blame me. Yeah.

Shelly (18:22.053)
humble enough to offer a sincere apology because I started off with a very clumsy, like, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. I didn't really like feel it. I wasn't like meaning it. Like I was, it was just checking the box. Like I knew I should apologize. And she didn't receive it. Well, she's like, it doesn't sound like you mean it. And I was like, and that took me, had to settle myself down and I was tucking her in and then I could ⁓ get into my like embodied humility and say that was

Kyle And Sara Wester (18:29.664)
Yes. ⁓

Shelly (18:50.765)
I was completely wrong. did not need to respond that way. I was grumpy and it was unnecessary and it hurt your feelings. And you could just feel like the energy in the room changed. She like felt my apology because it came from a place of humility ⁓ and not like checking the box. Cause I know as a conscious parent, I should apologize to my kid, you know, cause that was kind of what I was doing. ⁓ so yeah, I think there are opportunities every day for our humility to just take the lead and
Our kids love that. They love it because it makes them feel like equals in our relationship.

Kyle And Sara Wester (19:23.022)
we know, Shelley, another way I was thinking of humility as well as when our kids in those moments where we have messed up and we've been kind of jerks to them when they humble us. And I'm thinking there was a time we were in St. Louis and the kids had been traveling. We've been on the road for a week and I was just getting really frustrated with them and the way I felt like they were complaining or whining or whatever. And we get to a pizza place and St. Louis, the advertisement said best pizza in St. Louis. So I'm like, this is a win. It's a win. Like we're going to go here. The kids love pizza.

Shelly (19:33.285)
Yes.

Shelly (19:50.960)
Yeah.

Kyle And Sara Wester (19:53.168)
And we get there and when the pizza got to the table, I remember ⁓ my oldest who was at that point like six or seven, she's like, dad, this pizza looks weird. And I was like, my gosh, I am so sick of this. Like, ⁓ nothing is good enough for you kids. ⁓ It's the best pizza in St. Louis. It's been voted by ⁓ someone. So then I ⁓ literally I mean, this is how going back to raising ourselves. I left the table. I told Sarah like, I'm done. And so like I got up.

Shelly (20:21.125)
Yeah.

Kyle And Sara Wester (20:22.604)
I just went out the restaurant and I start walking and I'm just so mad, so justified in my anger of these ungrateful little kids. And ⁓ often I hear some footsteps kind of running after me and I look back and it's ⁓ my daughter and she says, dad, are you okay? And she like reaches out for my hand. And like in that moment, I wanted to be so mad at her. I wanted to dislike her. And I still held onto the anger for a little bit longer, but in that moment I could feel her love kind of breaking through.

Shelly (20:29.690)
Yeah.

Shelly (20:40.059)
⁓

Shelly (20:44.699)
Yeah.

Shelly (20:51.920)
Yeah.

Kyle And Sara Wester (20:52.258)
and being like, dad, please, let's not break connection. Let's stay connected here. I'm sorry you're upset at me not liking the pizza, but it was like her love for me and how much she wanted to be with me, even in that moment, I wanted to be anywhere else but with her and how she pursued me. And like that love kind of, that humbled me. And it caused me to say, ⁓ who are you, Kyle? Like, are you doing? Like this is a ⁓ six-year-old little girl who just said she didn't like the pizza.

Shelly (20:55.160)
off.

Shelly (21:7.664)
Yeah.

Shelly (21:13.562)
Yeah.

Shelly (21:17.115)
Right.
Yeah!

Kyle And Sara Wester (21:21.792)
And of course that goes back to maybe that happened in my childhood. Maybe there was moments where I felt like that rejection was given to me too when I didn't act the way I was supposed to, you know? ⁓ But that was a real, that always stuck in my mind of like, Kyle, this cannot be the way you parent her. Like you've got to change this.

Shelly (21:29.712)
Yeah.

Shelly (21:36.985)
Yeah. I love that. I mean, I love that sometimes love is grace. It's that being given the benefit of the doubt. Like it wasn't, dad, what's wrong with you? You don't have the right to be angry. You're a bad person. was something must be going on with you for you to like have been angry in that moment, right? Like what's wrong? Like I feel like in that moment I wasn't there, but she was seeking to understand versus blaming you. she gave that back to you.

Kyle And Sara Wester (21:56.323)
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Shelly (22:4.325)
probably because you've given that to her so many years, right? To seek to understand.

Kyle And Sara Wester (22:6.732)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, now I know ⁓ something beautiful that you've created to help parents is the Connected Kids Toolkit. So can you tell us more about that? Like, how did you come up with that? How can parents ⁓ use that? Because we definitely want to include that in our show notes, ways for people to get access to that.

Shelly (22:18.839)
Yeah.

Shelly (22:25.517)
thank you. Yeah, I appreciate that. ⁓ That ⁓ toolkit, it's my baby. love ⁓ talking about it. And I set out to create it because I wanted parents to have, a lot of us didn't grow up with the things that we're talking about, right? The words we want to use, the phrases we want to say. So part of me wanted to create something for parents to be able to just have these cards where they could share them with their children in really easy, concise ways. ⁓
turn it into kind of a ritual. Like I use it at bedtime with my children. A lot of people use them at the dinner table. So it says things like, value your opinion. I know you're a good person. ⁓ And then there's like little ⁓ deeper meanings on the back. But in addition to the little sayings that you can read to your children and where I get really, really excited is that you are also saying that to little you. So those cards are not only meant for your children, but they're meant for little you because I don't think all, you know, we did not all hear those things growing up.

Kyle And Sara Wester (23:11.182)
Mmm.

Shelly (23:19.673)
And so it's an opportunity to kind of make this work come full circle. And it also comes with a reparenting toolkit because when I created this, know I think every year like this movement of reparenting yourself and inner child work is getting bigger. And I love that. But in the moment I created this a few years ago, I didn't feel like there were a ton of resources out there for people who are also trying to heal little ⁓ them. And so the workbook is meant to really...
prompt people to reflect on their own childhood and better understand where parts of it shows up in the ways they parent. Good and bad, right? I mean, it's not, again, it's not the sweeping like everything was bad, but kind of noticing like, wanna take this part of my childhood with me. This was a good thing. I wanna carry that tradition on, but then also identifying areas where you're like, ooh, don't wanna pass it on. And if I don't wanna pass it on, then what do I have to do to overwrite that and to disrupt that cycle?
And so it's really meant to serve both little you and the children that you're raising right beside you. Yeah. ⁓

Kyle And Sara Wester (24:16.236)
Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, I remember when I first found you and I was seeing some of the, you put, show little examples of the cards and stuff. And I think that...

Shelly (24:25.530)
Yeah.

Kyle And Sara Wester (24:28.558)
knowing even what's inside of you is so hard. As you find yourself way down the road and then maybe you have the awareness of going, I think I'm acting out of a belief or a wound of my own here. And what I loved about the cards is just like you said, they're meant for your child. So I started reading them kind of in that way of, oh, this is so sweet. This is so great. want to give this message to my child. But then every once in a while, one would just like pop tears in my eyes in no time. And I thought,

Shelly (24:31.817)
huh.

Shelly (24:40.944)
Yeah.

Shelly (24:55.661)
Yeah.

Kyle And Sara Wester (24:56.366)
⁓ I think this is something I am needing to hear. ⁓ You can just kind of feel that. So I loved your tool because ⁓ sometimes we don't know how, ⁓ even if you think I do need to reparent myself or I want to do some work here, I don't know how to do that. I don't even know where to look. ⁓ And so I just appreciated this kit that you had created because I thought, this is beautiful, a great way to... ⁓

Shelly (25:13.305)
Right.

Shelly (25:17.464)
Yeah.

Kyle And Sara Wester (25:25.534)
Because we feel lost in trying to do this parenting thing. We love our kids so much. Where do you begin? How do you do it? How do you change this? Because otherwise you just, we see it over and over again. We do it ourselves as parents where you're just repeating things that you didn't mean to repeat. ⁓

Shelly (25:27.226)
Yeah. ⁓

Shelly (25:42.241)
Yes.

Kyle And Sara Wester (25:42.958)
⁓ And it's hard and you get triggered and then you're like, no, I did it again. Well, I ⁓ mean, I remember even Shelley just the other day, ⁓ our oldest was complaining about something and I remember getting triggered by that. And then as Sarah and I were talking about it later, I was like, you know what, Sarah, I think I get triggered by that because I don't think we were ever actually allowed to do that. I think, I think when she does that, I'm like, when is this going to stop? ⁓ then, and then I think, you know, like in our marriage, we complain about things.

Shelly (25:47.003)
Yeah, thank you. ⁓

Shelly (26:3.461)
Yeah.

Kyle And Sara Wester (26:12.490)
I don't get triggered if I complain to Sarah or Sarah complains to me. We just go, yeah, that sucks. Or like, I can't believe that person did that. That's all we do. But then our kids are doing, we're like, my gosh, when is this gonna end? When are they gonna grow up and just be grateful for life? ⁓ And I think that's interesting. And so I bet it's because maybe I have seen other adults complain and it's okay, but I haven't seen kids complain to their parents and it's okay. It's always met with resistance.

Shelly (26:17.679)
Great.
Yeah.

Shelly (26:39.065)
Right. ⁓

Kyle And Sara Wester (26:41.514)
And somehow I need to teach them to not do that. When really that's just part of being human is to not like something and talk about it. that's a, know, so in that moment I was like, that's why I'm not wanting her to do it because we were not allowed to do it. So if we want to change that, then we need to create space for her to do that. ⁓

Shelly (26:44.271)
Yeah.

Shelly (26:55.024)
Yeah.

Shelly (26:59.183)
I love that reflection. And I think underneath of that for so many of us is that for people who are trying to parent more consciously, we're terrified of raising the entitled kids, right? And so when our kids complain like, ⁓ I mean, I get that way too. I'm like, ⁓ the nerve, they're so ungrateful, right? All those like words and phrases that we heard growing up kind of come rushing back. And ⁓ it's really hard in those moments to just catch yourself and say, ooh.

Kyle And Sara Wester (27:8.758)
Yes, exactly. ⁓

Kyle And Sara Wester (27:13.730)
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. ⁓

Shelly (27:27.075)
Nope, they're human beings. They're allowed to vent and complain a little, you know, it's just, it's just like you said, it's part of being human and it's part of like what builds connection, right? Like, ⁓ man. And it's also an opportunity for us to validate it. Like, man, I hear you buddy. That sounds really hard. And then they're probably, once they get that validation, I know for me, once someone validates me like whining and complaining about something, I'm like, ⁓ okay. I feel seen and I can move on now. Like it kind of just like processes it and I can, yeah.

Kyle And Sara Wester (27:39.606)
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Kyle And Sara Wester (27:50.606)
Yeah, exactly. got it. Yeah. Okay. You, you, get it. I'm done. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Actually frees you to be able to move forward. Yeah. That's the amazing part about listening to someone and empathizing and all that stuff is then they're actually free to go. okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I can carry on now.

Shelly (27:57.665)
Exactly, yeah.

Shelly (28:6.219)
⁓ yeah. And you know what else that reminds me of as a parent is how important it is for something I've had to really work on, especially with my teen when they're complaining about something is for me to just zip it. Because I want to go when you're in that like hierarchical kind of dynamic and you're like, I'm the parent and I must solve this thing that they're sad about or upset about. And sometimes if they do want some help, of course we want to we can help them. But there are so many times with my teen where I'm like, he just wants me to listen. Like if I just if I open my mouth and
start like problem solving, he's gonna be super annoyed. And sometimes he's like, mom, don't life coach me right now. And he has to like tell me. But I've had to learn like so much of parenting is simply just being quiet and being a safe space and being a witness to their pain. And then like allowing them to solve their own problems so that they can be resilient and build confidence and know that they're capable people.

Kyle And Sara Wester (29:0.738)
Yeah, well, and I think that's an important piece people don't see is when you do that, that's what they're able to do is then they're able to go, okay, now I can go face it instead when you don't let them do that with you, they just go do that with their peers. And then now you're missing that opportunity to connect with them through that misery that they're going through. Well, and kind of send the message. I believe in you. Yeah, that's true. You you, you can resolve this or find solutions or be creative, you know, and they'll come and ask you if they want to, but just sort of that conveying to them, that's tough. ⁓

Shelly (29:2.203)
Okay.

Shelly (29:12.111)
Yes.

Shelly (29:16.730)
Yeah.

Shelly (29:20.559)
Yeah.

Kyle And Sara Wester (29:30.764)
You know, I'm here with you and I believe in your ability right now. And in those teen years, man, we want all that practice for them, right? When they're still with us and around, we want them to be practicing that. Well, let me ask you this, Shelly, if somebody's listening to this right now and they're like, man, I have heard some of this stuff lately or thought of this idea about reparenting myself. How do I start doing that today? Now, of course they need to get the toolkit, but ⁓ after that, ⁓ what would you say would be the first steps?

Shelly (29:33.497)
Yeah.

Shelly (29:37.273)
Yeah, absolutely. ⁓
Yeah. ⁓

Kyle And Sara Wester (29:59.190)
in starting that journey and trying to reparent themselves in this ⁓ as they're raising their kids.

Shelly (30:5.555)
⁓ I think that noticing those moments when that anger ⁓ comes from a deeper place, right? I understand like the parents, you know, we're irritated, we're tired, we're overwhelmed. And there are those irritations, but I think you know that if you can make the distinction between like those ⁓ moments and the moments where that anger feels deeper and there's a deep fear there, just noticing those and saying, I wonder what that's about. You don't have to solve anything. You don't have to.
you know, it's just the compassionate noticing. And then when you ⁓ have finished that step, at some point, it's the what can I do to give myself that voice I didn't have or that unconditional love that I didn't receive. And so just pairing those two together over and over again, compassionate noticing, and then giving yourself what you didn't receive as a child that you deserved is really
⁓ I think the path to healing and it doesn't end and I wish it, you know, I know we all wish there was like a finish line and we said, we did it. We made it no more wounds, ⁓ but as your kids get older, I know for me personally, like as they enter new stages, like I have a preteen and a teen now, and I'm being confronted with things that I didn't know existed and me, right. That didn't show up when they were like three and five. So, ⁓ it's never ending, but if you can treat it like

Kyle And Sara Wester (31:0.834)
Yes. ⁓ Yes. Yes. ⁓ Yeah.

Kyle And Sara Wester (31:16.461)
Yeah.

Shelly (31:23.223)
a really beautiful healing journey instead of this thing you have to fix. It really makes it an entirely different experience and one that you not only learn from, but your kids are seeing you heal in real time. And that is a gift that is priceless.

Kyle And Sara Wester (31:35.682)
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's great. Well, so how could our listeners find ⁓ more about you and the work you're doing? How can they connect with you?

Shelly (31:44.599)
Yeah, my website is shellyrobbinson.com. I do have a guide on there that helps parents minimize yelling and more than that just offer them self-compassion. I know ⁓ when I used to go to bed at night, everything that happened during the day, I would just lay there and just like rattle off all the things I did wrong. And so this guide really helps you to reframe like where you're winning. Like I feel like parents don't pay enough attention to where we are doing really good work with our kids.

Kyle And Sara Wester (32:9.614)
⁓ Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shelly (32:11.327)
And then I'm on Instagram and Facebook as Raising Yourself, and I would love to have you in the community there as well.

Kyle And Sara Wester (32:16.588)
Yeah, that's awesome. Well, Shelly, we thank you so much for giving time to talk to us and also just joining us on this journey of encouraging parents to do the courageous work of ⁓ asking those questions, doing those kind of moments to reflect on, you know, where this anger is coming from and obviously helping them then raise kids ⁓ who are going to have better skills, right? To be able to do that and hopefully, hopefully have less baggage than what we had going into your years.

Shelly (32:42.383)
Yes, absolutely. Hopefully that's the goal. ⁓

Kyle And Sara Wester (32:45.216)
Yes, thank you so much for joining us today. thank you.

Shelly (32:48.059)
Thank you, it was wonderful to talk to you.