Episode 175

Kyle And Sara Wester (30:51.448)
I got a question for you. Are you the type of parent that wants to rescue your kids from any kind of conflict or hardship? know, keep the challenges to a minimum because you don't want your kids to fail and that fear is there a lot. ⁓ You know, in our culture lately, we've been calling that snow plow parenting. And that is definitely something that.
we thought we needed to address, because it's kind of prevalent in many ways in our culture. And you see people not only discussing it, but I'm sure you know people who are doing it, if that's not even something you have fallen into yourself. And Sarah and I definitely at times can slip into some of those snowplow tendencies, because it just sucks to see your kid ⁓ hurt and fail, right? But also ⁓ there's this whole side of it. We know it also is going to help them.
grow in their confidence and their resiliency. And there's, so many good things, but ⁓ many of us just don't feel comfortable seeing them go through it. So today, Sarah and I wanted to top dive into the topic of snowplow parenting. ⁓ What is it? ⁓ Why do we do it? How do we get away from it? Because our kids really need us to, they really need us to believe in them and also show them how to overcome these challenges instead of just moving them out of the way for them. So
Take a moment if you haven't already to please pause and rate and review the podcast. Get ready to dive into this discussion about snowplow parenting. We are going to give you five specific ways ⁓ to avoid change those dynamics and also talk about how we're going to ask some questions. ⁓ Maybe you're snow plowing and you don't even know you're snow plowing. So in this episode you're going to be able to like assess and reflect. Am I doing this? ⁓ What does that look like if I am and how do I change it? So sit back and enjoy the episode today.

Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle. Hi there, I'm Sarah. And Sarah, let's just jump right into it. We want to hit upon a topic that has been kind going around the past year or so. New terms, we're always coming up with new terms. Yeah, it's called snow plow parenting. Yeah. You've heard of this? Have you guys heard of Have you heard of it, snow plow parenting? I mean, it used to be, we first were thinking, we should do one on helicopter parenting. like, I don't really hear that as much anymore. mean, it's there, but it doesn't yet.
And we're like, no, I do hear this snowplow parenting thing. And there's something to it. Yeah. Definitely warrants the conversation. Well, and as we looked into it more and kind of research it, ⁓ obviously we see ways that we probably have done it occasionally on things. I see it how my parents did it. So even back in the old school model, this is nothing new. It's just a new term, but there's ways in which my parents did it as well. ⁓ They kind of wanted to snowplow the path so I wouldn't have to fail or something. So define it.
yeah, I'll get there. So Jessica, wanted to see if you guys just first of all are familiar with that term and we wanted to hit upon it today, Sarah, specifically because it's not what we would teach. know, right. We, we, think it's a really valid conversation because as we're talking about it, ⁓ I see where we do that. ⁓ And again, we're just want to highlight things, tools, you know, to help and equip other parents who are like us going, okay, how do we do this intentionally? How do we lead? How do we connect? How do we, so this one,
felt like a very well, well, and we wanted to bring it up because it's it's right now going around in our culture, but also because we we see how it negatively affects kids. You know, the kids, ⁓ the kids I'm getting to spend time with the teenagers ⁓ is lots of them because of some of the snow plowing parents are doing. ⁓ They don't feel confident they can go into adulthood. They don't feel equipped. They don't believe they have what it takes to be successful. And so they're very anxious and depressed as they're leading into those big decisions about college and
⁓ What kind of life deal you see a lot about this? So most of us have done it, you know, as we looked at it We have done it ourselves and we love our kids so much I know we all do that we want to at times make the path ⁓ easy and smooth, right? Because ⁓ what we don't want anything to hold them back from the success We hope they have and in many ways like I said, ⁓ it's kind of comes from these really good intentions

Kyle And Sara Wester (2:25.236)
of we want our kids maybe- involved. You're right there with your kid. You're doing the day to day. You know, it's not the parent who's just checked out. This is the checked in parent. Yeah. And then, yeah. Well, and I think the heart is many times I want it to be easier for my kid than it was for me, you know? And I think all of us want it to be our kids to have things that maybe we didn't have and that could look like sometimes being a snowplow.
You know, so let's just define it. So the definition that we came up with as we did the research was just basically removing all obstacles so kids don't struggle, get hurt or fail. Yeah. Just like a snowplow, whatever. It's all the snow waves. Makes the path easy and smooth. So we're like, Hey, this is a problem. We can get rid of that. I know how to do that.
And another term we heard was lawnmower parenting, right? Yeah. Doesn't seem to work as well, I get, but then, there is a connection somewhat to helicopter parenting. Cause it is, like you said, it is the parent hovering really close to make sure they're plowing the snow to, know, to, help the kid, you know, in those moments. So, so it is kind of got this connection to helicopter parenting. ⁓ it's often done, of course, like we said, with good intentions, ⁓ love, fear, anxiety, or pressure.
are building, right? So like, like all of those things are there. You love your kid, you see this moment, it's ⁓ you're scared for what may happen. There's some anxiety there. ⁓ And then the pressure says, I gotta do something about this. I gotta like make this path easier. I mean, it could look at something, Sarah, as simple as ⁓ kids having a problem with that teacher in that class, I'm gonna go talk to that teacher, I'm gonna make sure my kid doesn't have that problem anymore. And you could say like, yeah, that sounds like a great idea.
Right. I think that's the trick with it is I think of the places you fall into is where you're really you love your kid and you're trying to be there and help them. So it comes from this place of I'm trying to help them. ⁓ then, you know, it's just tricky. How much do I help? How much? Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's almost like if I don't help, then I just what I'm just let my kid just fail. Right. And then how's that going to help them? Like their confidence going to get shot. So definitely one of the big reasons why people will do it and fall into it is

Kyle And Sara Wester (4:38.946)
fear of watching their kids fail. That's not fun. ⁓ Nobody thought that's gonna be a really cool part of parenting my kids is watching them fail. So wanting to keep them from experiencing that, you can definitely understand that being a strong motivation. And then the desire to protect their self-esteem. know, lots of times I've seen this with parents where the kid looks like they lack self-esteem, lack self-confidence, and if I don't step in,
to then somehow deal with this conflict and make it easier for him or her, then they're gonna even more get into a dark place. Yeah, yeah, I think that's a really huge driving force. I mean, you may be even more okay with your child failing than ⁓ thinking this is gonna hurt their sense of who they are. You know that they're not good enough, they don't measure up. Those messages that you maybe feel yourself and you don't want your child to...
feel that right? I mean, it kind of seems like a wall. Yeah, of course. Why would I want my child to have that experience? I'm even think like a good example is a kid Sarah, trying to get on a sports team or trying to get a role in a play they're wanting to be in. And the parent going behind the scenes to use their influence to make that happen, right? Because they're afraid if the kid does try out, maybe they won't be selected, or they won't get that part. And the parent doesn't want to see them.
have another hit to their self confidence. And maybe the kids like, if I don't get picked again, I'm just not even gonna do it anymore. And parents like, well, I gotta do everything I can. I think if they just had that role, then they would feel the success. it'd be really easy to imagine that and then try to- I'm working harder than the child is. Oh, let's run through your lines. Yeah.
Yeah. Or the homework is the same thing, right? Like, that's what I think of it. Those times the parents step up, they're doing 70 % of the child's doing 30. You might need to question. Yeah. Am I doing the snowplow stuff here? Yeah. The other one was, this is the one I can fall into is wanting to control outcomes. Um, when it comes to a lot for me, it's sometimes maybe the emotions like you brought up as we were talking before we did this, sometimes maybe I'm snow plowing whenever the kids, um, there's not a planned activity to do and they're going to be bored.

Kyle And Sara Wester (6:56.206)
⁓ And I want to just step in and guide that. want to say, let's do this. Let's plan this thing, you know? And maybe at times I'm not allowing them to just come up with their own thing, you know? Because I tend to, ⁓ and I tend to disguise it as leadership and I see a vacuum of guidance happening, but it really is me just wanting to control the outcome. I want us to have a great day. So let's do this thing, you know? ⁓ Or it could also be, I know the kid is going to have a big negative reaction to that.
So maybe I'm gonna try to preempt that and then once again, could try to be, looks like leadership, but it really is, I just don't want them to be angry about that. I don't want them to be sad about that. So I might try to do something to make sure that doesn't happen or I may not even ask them to do that thing I wanted to ask them, because I don't want that big reaction back. Yeah, yeah. I think it's really easy for us to slip into, because we also have the ability in our brain to kind of think ahead. Yep, yep. And...
So I think we just need to sometimes pause and step back, you know, cause you think, ⁓ I better, they need their jacket or they're going to need this or they need to do that. I'm going to remove this obstacle from them. I'll, I'll go ahead and take care of that for them. So they don't have to face that ⁓ deal with the frustration, the sadness, whatever it might be. Cause those are uncomfortable feelings. They are, they are. And I don't like them in me. So sometimes you don't want them in them. I'm thinking the other way, as I thought about this, that happened as a kid.
is I can think of, almost every big project from sixth grade on, ⁓ whether it was like a science fair project or something, ⁓ somehow if I was able to act helpless enough or if I created enough conflict, my dad would eventually just do the whole thing for me, you know? And we would do these elaborate things and my dad would really want to win that science fair project. ⁓ And so ⁓ I remember- Do the teachers actually believe you did it?
I don't know. ⁓ remember being thankful that my dad did it because I didn't want to do all the work. But I do remember that hurting me into my twenties when there were things in college or later on that I just didn't have the self confidence that I could do that big project because ⁓ I don't think I ever actually did one. I always just got my dad to do it. That's interesting because in an effort to prevent you from

Kyle And Sara Wester (9:15.864)
taking the blow of not doing it well or failing ⁓ or maybe he thought he didn't want you to not believe in yourselves, ⁓ maybe thought he was coming alongside you. But in the end, you actually thought, I can't do this. I need you to do this. Yeah. Well, and I remember even the first time that happened, I was in fifth grade and we had to do a solar system. And my dad was at work and he worked till midnight at his job and he was saying,
to get some pipe cleaners. And I was like, I don't know what pipe cleaners are. like, how do you not know what pipe cleaners are? You got to just take it. Dad, I don't know what that, forget it. And the next morning I woke up and the entire solar system was completed. It was all done. It was hanging from a thing. My dad was asleep because he'd been up all night doing it. And I thought, wow, that was easy. I didn't have to do a thing. And then I got an A on this thing. And so that was kind of at first it was like thankful that my dad did it. But then slowly I began to think maybe I can't do it.
Maybe I need someone else to do it for me because maybe I'm not smart enough or capable enough, whatever it is, you know? And so I think that can be a negative. We'll get into that. Another one is the pressure to raise successful kids in a competitive world. I mean, we hear that a lot. Oh man, yes, yes, yes. I definitely see that a lot with parents trying to get them to the college they want or get them on the sports team they want. And then basically here's kind of the big idea on that is just
parents often feel that if their child is struggling, they must not be doing enough. ⁓ know, and I think that's kind of what we're trying to avoid is I don't want that. But what if the struggle is part of doing enough? You know, ⁓ what if letting your kids struggle ⁓ is the journey? Yeah, that's actually how they ⁓ learn the skills and learn the confidence that they can do it. Yeah. Yeah, man. Had that parent pressure. That is real. I mean, I social media, how much more does that
Everyone's posting and we love our kids and we want to share things, but then it does create this extra layer on top of, already have all these layers of parent pressure where it's like, ⁓ and what's your kid doing? mean, it starts at, look, my child's walking at 12 months. You know, it starts so early and we even, mean it to celebrate, you know, but it does come off of, wait, am I, am I not doing enough tummy time? Am I not doing, you know, so that all those layers there have left.

Kyle And Sara Wester (11:35.150)
I need to do more, I need to do more, I need to do more. My child can't run as fast as your child. There must be something I'm missing. Yeah, yeah. And so some of the hidden costs of doing snow pile parenting is one, kids miss the chances to build resiliency, confidence, emotional intelligence, and just being able to take ownership of their life and their choices. Yeah, yeah. I've been aware of this for a while because I remember learning about
We'll get around to this, but scaffolding a long time ago. I remember once watching, ⁓ Abby, she is not even two yet trying to do a little puzzle on those little baby puzzles and trying so hard to resist the urge to show her where to put the pieces. She kept trying and trying and trying. And, and that's what was, I had learned this. So I thought, don't help her. She, it's okay for her to struggle with trying to that puzzle piece. ⁓
But that's such a small little example, but a highlight. mean, that's like, who cares if she can do a puzzle, you know, but, but I felt this urge to go, didn't want her to get too frustrated. I didn't want her to think she couldn't do the puzzle and give up, know, maybe she'd never do puzzles again. She she's stupid or she, yeah, that's good example. think everybody has felt that everybody's seen the little kid try to do it and it's hard not to want to just jump in and do it. And so figuring out how do I scaffold, which, you know, again, we'll come back to that, but
But the reason just thinking in my mind, wait a second, pause. Why would I want to step in? Is this the time for her to struggle? ⁓ know, keeping those things in mind, almost like put them up and review them whenever your child's struggling. Yeah. Some other hidden costs it can help. It can increase anxiety, helplessness ⁓ or dependency when they go into the teenage years where they once again, like I said, even though I was a very confident kid in many ways, ⁓ when it came to these kinds of projects,
I felt like I couldn't do it. I felt like I needed to almost like convince somebody else. Like the skill I learned was how to convince somebody else to do it for me. That's not the, ⁓ maybe that can be a helpful skill at times, ⁓ but really ⁓ the better skill is how do I do that project? ⁓ And then I love this quote, kids learn they're not capable if we always step in. They start believing the world should adjust for them or that they can't handle it without us.

Kyle And Sara Wester (13:58.132)
And I don't think any of us want our kids having that. We don't want our kids to believe the world should adjust for them. We don't want that. ⁓ And we also want them to know that they can handle it if we're not around or they're without us. We want them to build that self-confidence, that autonomy, ⁓ that agency to be able to do ⁓ it. And so those- I'll say, and it'll feel like the stakes are really high. It even felt like the stakes were high with my one-year-old doing a puzzle, which, looking back now, sounds really, really funny. ⁓
you know, thinking this is the first step of many for her to feel, you know, to be able to do all these things. there's so many times in high school, you feel like the stakes are so high, but they're not as high as they will be later. It is better to let them fail and to experience these things now, to learn the agency now, because it's much harder to try to build that in your 20s, your ⁓ 30s, you know, we know that, so we'd have to remind ourselves. So here's how to tell if you're doing it. So if you're like, man, am I doing that? And these questions really helped me to
to think about and reflect upon. So just some questions to reflect upon. ⁓ One is, I try to fix every hard moment for my child? When I see those hard moments, do I try to sweep in, like the puzzle, and of course, or even going into having that uncomfortable conversation. I remember there was a hard moment when ⁓ one time our daughter was on the phone with some friends, they were putting together some kind of.
musical they were doing and she had the lead and then we ⁓ gave the phone to her to talk to these friends and then in that conversation somehow they shifted who was going to play the lead and she wasn't playing the lead anymore and I could see in the rearview mirror as I was driving the the hurt on her face and everything within me wanted to grab that phone and have a conversation with those kids and say what are you doing and it was really hard I think you and I at that moment just said hey Abby let's go ahead and hang up the phone you know give it a moment and eventually things
Resolve themselves the kids ended up saying they were sorry and they had a good conversation They worked it out, but everything I wanted to protect my daughter from that pain in that moment You know, it was very hard not to jump in. Yeah number two. Do I step in before they ask for help? That's a good one Yeah, are they even asking for my help? Yeah, there's a good little checklist when you're wanting to just pause for a second go Wait, are they even ask? Yeah, this is even this is a really good right here

Kyle And Sara Wester (16:13.822)
Am I more upset about their discomfort than they are? Yeah. That's a good way. I mean, think about that. Am I more upset with their discomfort? Is their discomfort creating more upset in me than it is in them? And maybe I'm really just trying to help myself. ⁓ But okay, that's a good thing. I mean, come on, we know we get in the way. Yep. Do I fear they'll crumble if they face a challenge? I mean, that's a really, know, think about each of your kids. If you have several or just
You know, think, do I feel, maybe that one I feel like, they could, but the other one I couldn't like, how, what's going on there? You know, maybe am I stepping in? Am I trying to ⁓ snow plow stuff so they don't have to face it? Yeah. Okay. ⁓ but awareness, ⁓ what we're bringing to awareness is the first shift. ⁓ You can't grow as a parent if you don't see what's underneath your own need to rescue your kid from these moments. Right. And so it's a big part of just being aware of that. What's going on in me as my kids facing these challenges.
Why am I tempted to jump in and solve these things for them? ⁓ I mean, I tell this to parents all the time, Sarah, if you don't believe they can do this, how will they ever believe it? Like really, I think that's a really hard part about parenting is ⁓ if you've never seen them do it successfully, ⁓ how can I believe in it? But ⁓ they feel the same way, right? So somebody's got to have this kind of trust, this faith in them that they can do it. And once again, not that they have to do it alone, but they can get through this. They can survive.
Right, yeah, am I resolving my discomfort or is this really about them? Yeah. You know, is it about me or them? Yeah, so ⁓ here's what to do instead. Here's some different ways of approaching this, okay? So shift, first of all, from rescuing the kid to coaching the kid through that. ⁓ There's been many times I've been able to do that when I see like Brennan struggling in a certain like social situation, just to be able to come back and like ask some curious questions afterwards.
to say, how did that go for you? Is there a different way you could have handled it? Even though I'm watching him in the moment look uncomfortable, look like he doesn't know what to ⁓ do, I don't let that drive me to just jump in and say, let me protect him from this situation. I remember one time when I was a look at saw he was at a soccer practice and some kid had taken his ball thinking it was someone else's ball. And he kept trying to tell the kid it was his ball, but the kid didn't hear him because.

Kyle And Sara Wester (18:31.246)
Brennan wasn't saying it in a real confident way. So the kid eventually thought it was funny to kick the ball really far away. And I could see Brennan's face just kind of like he got so discouraged that his voice didn't seem to matter. It didn't seem like this kid cared. And it was a really great conversation afterwards about what I noticed. I don't think the kid even heard it. And so I know you're taking it personal, but it wasn't. I think the kid just thought it was funny to do that. So how could you handle that next time? And it was a really good.
Conversation to hear about how he didn't have confidence and that's why he was saying it so quietly He didn't think it the kid was gonna listen to him, you know So that was a moment where I was able to I didn't rescue him and just go take care of it I was able to coach him through ⁓ The second one is I want you to talk about this scaffolding instead of solving. Yeah ⁓ I don't know. I feel like I've seen this term a lot. So maybe people are familiar. Maybe not, but I'm just gonna scaffolding it's all based on
scaffolding and construction, right? So you, when you build something, you're, do you use your scaffolding? So it's the idea of that. I'm going to create one layer at a time. And, and you just come alongside to build just the layer that's needed. You're not, sometimes we come in and we're just constructing the whole thing with our kid, for our kid and replacement of our child, you know, but it's just giving them the piece that they need, you know? So, and the moment they can run with it, you're stepping away.
So ⁓ at first you might, what you did with Brennan, you came along later and you coached him and gave him some pieces on how to be assertive, how to show up in those moments of conflict and what he could do. ⁓ The next time ⁓ you'd pull back a little and there'd be just that next, and you give them the next layer that they need. ⁓ We tend to rush in with the whole thing constructed. So just building. I love that scaffolding is so important. ⁓
because you're also helping them see the steps too. That growth is a journey. It doesn't just happen overnight. ⁓ Number three is allow small, manageable struggles. You what I thought when I saw this, Sarah, was just little ways. I remember going to Chick-fil-A when they were little, if they wanted a refill, we would just go get that refill. But then it was like, hey, now they want a refill, and I'd say, hey, I'll go up there with you, but I want you to ask for that refill. And they'd be like, what? No, I can't. Here, just practice it. Say it to me. OK, and then go say it.

Kyle And Sara Wester (20:50.648)
to them, right? And then that turned into you want to refill, go up on your own and ask for that refill or, ⁓ or when we're at restaurants, if we're ordering food, it was like we ordered for you. Now, why don't you order yours for yourself, you know, and each time when the when the person would look to us just say, they can order they want to do and then obviously noticing the struggle noticing it was overwhelming them or too much of them, it's actually really good. That scaffolding mixed. Yeah. ⁓
⁓ That is scaffolding you're going step by step. Yeah, and you're letting them have the struggle that they can handle at that time You're pausing and intentionally thinking. Okay, what could they you know, where's enough of a struggle without? Overwhelming and you know what I'm not coming in doing something that they can do Yeah, what I love about it Sarah I love it's almost like to me at times ⁓ when I'm being very intentional about it almost like an experiment. I'm just like
I wonder if they feel they can do this. Like I'm looking, believe, I think they totally can do this. I don't know if they believe they can do this. So I want to go give them an opportunity to see if they can and then notice, okay, that's a skill they still don't believe they can do. So how then can Sarah and I help them feel more confident in that? So that you and I'd have a conversation. Hey, next time we go to that restaurant.
let's try to guide them on how to do this, right? Maybe we need to prepare them more in advance. Maybe we need to practice it more at home, right? And all that could even look like going to the dentist or going to, well, whatever it is you're seeing the kid feels like they can't do. I mean, ⁓ I've got to believe they can totally do this. We just need to help scaffold, ⁓ give them these small manageable struggles. Number four, which is a big part of that is validating their feelings without rushing to fix.
So when you see those little struggles happen and they seem to be overwhelmed by it, that's a great time for empathy and just validating the feelings that are happening. ⁓ And then number five ⁓ is teach, kind of have this, ⁓ we have this kind of as a value in our family, ⁓ you can do hard things and I'm here beside you. ⁓ You can do hard things and I'm here beside you.

Kyle And Sara Wester (22:56.268)
So it's not you can do hard things, just go do it. ⁓ I think sometimes, yeah, we think we're doing that the right way when we do that. You can do hard things and then we step away. ⁓ But that I'm here with you, not going to do it for you, but you're not alone. And it is an important message. It goes back to that when people put their feet in ice water. They can hold their feet in ice water a lot longer if somebody is just around them than if they're alone. So if we're saying you can do hard things,
you can put your feet in ice water, you can write that paper for school, whatever it might be, ⁓ I'm just, I'm here, then that's gonna help them face and do that hard thing without you even needing to hold their feet in the water for them or do it instead of them. Yeah, the thing I've heard a lot, Sarah, on that is kids do get the impression their parents just want them to be self-reliant and not need them, because there is this ⁓ fear and push that the kid will be too dependent on them. And so we definitely don't want the kid to feel codependent on you.
but also want the kid to know if they need you, you're there, not to rescue, not to snowplow, but to help. Help support, help teach, help coach, all that stuff. ⁓ I love this phrase, our job isn't to clear the path, it's to walk it with them and help them get stronger step by step. ⁓ like that. ⁓ And so now let's talk about kinda ⁓ what, ⁓ like when we're doing this in real life, ⁓ I know we gave a couple of different examples ⁓ about them.
doing these things like at Chick-fil-A or like at the doctor's office and stuff like that. But what's some like real life examples that maybe Sarah, you can think of even recently, I'm trying to think of some recent examples of where we've done this with the kids. Maybe it's like as Abby's learning how to drive, you know, that's something there where I think that can be a scary thing. And we're wanting to help build that confidence. And so we don't want to just rescue her and just do it all for her, you know? And so part of that looks like her
going to a driver's ed class, right? And I said the, yeah, coming along with the tools up here, let's get you the right training. ⁓ The scaffolding would come in where we started in a parking lot.

Kyle And Sara Wester (25:3.214)
Yes. Okay. Yeah. You taught the, you know, the break the gas, the how you have a car functions, start in the parking lot. Then you start on some back roads where no one else is driving. You know, we scaffold it. You don't throw them onto the highway and say, Hey, you can do a hard thing. See you. then all of they get into a wreck or they go, so you can't drive. mean, I, but think that's a good example. Yeah. You're building those skills and you're in, know, we got tools involved in, you know, a driving instructor and things like that. Yeah. But along the way we're being very intentional to
even like I'm thinking what I liked about the driving example is there's times where she's driving and maybe not as focused as we'd like and then and then we get upset and it's like my upset at those times can be kind of snow plowing. You can kind of be like I don't want you to experience a wreck. I don't want you to experience so I'm gonna get mad to like make it to where you're more focused right and instead of your life I mean when I was a kid I did get in two wrecks. Thank goodness I didn't get seriously hurt or you know hurt somebody else.
but I did learn from those incidents about how I need to drive better, you know? And part of me, I don't want everyone to experience that. I don't want her, probably because I don't want it to hurt us financially, I have to pay for that. And of course I don't want her to be hurt, but it's like, I just want that not to happen, you know? When really wrecks, unfortunately are a part of sometimes learning how to drive, little fender benders here or there. And so it's better actually, you know, I remember one time we were listening to a podcast that really cracked me up where the dad was in the car with his daughter.
⁓ and they got into a wreck. The dad was driving and the daughter was kind of panicked or kind of freaking out. And he looked over and said, this is your first accident. my gosh, I get to share this with you. And so he was like thinking, this is a moment I get to walk you through. Here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna go talk to that lady. That lady's gonna be really mad at me. Yeah, she's gonna be scared. I'm gonna make sure we take care of whatever the problem is, right? But this is exciting. We get to share this. I was like, where it's like you hope your kids never have to experience that, but that's part of life. ⁓
getting into these car wrecks. So it's better to accept the fact that's probably going to happen. How do we help you prepare for that? ⁓ How do we make it less likely? Here's what to do if that does, ⁓ but it's not the end of the world. ⁓ And hopefully if it's nothing really big and dangerous, right? And I think that's kind of the, ⁓ I see this a lot with when it comes to ⁓ school stuff, you'll see parents, the kids getting ready for college and they're like, this is his senior year, he's got to pass these things. And you see the parents snow pile on the whole way and the kid is.

Kyle And Sara Wester (27:26.158)
feeling very anxious because the kid's saying, if my parent doesn't think I can do well enough to get into college, how am going to succeed in college? And that's the most, I mean, if you have younger kids, to help with that day that's coming, start now with letting them have those little struggles in school, letting, you know, don't just take over their homework and when they do it and how, do that with them. When are you going to do your homework? How are you going to do your homework? You know, you want to be always thinking, I need to pass this off to them.
I need to pass this off to them, you know, not just coming in, because it leads to that day that is coming, ⁓ where the stakes are higher, stakes aren't as high now. So if you are saying, I don't want to be a snowplow parent, which we don't either, I don't think it's helpful I we sometimes do. Yes, and we're all gonna, we're not gonna do it perfectly. But if that's your goal, start parenting from trust in your child and in yourself, because trust is the antidote to the fear that you're probably feeling.
A child who struggles and keeps going becomes a capable, confident adult. They learn the skill of resiliency, they build their confidence. ⁓ So this week we just encourage you, notice any moments where you could pause instead of plow. So pause instead of plow, let your child try, kind ⁓ of feel all that kind of stuff that's going on in them and watch them, see how they problem solve. And of course, stay nearby.
so you can be their coach if they look to you and you need some of your support. So ⁓ I think those steps right there will start just raising your awareness of maybe how often you do this or maybe you don't do this at all. But it is something that we definitely want to help parents move away from because we want them to trust themselves and for their kid to trust themselves that they are capable of overcoming these challenges ⁓ because they can do hard things and so can you, but we don't have to do it alone.
So I hope this helped you today have a broader understanding and perspective over ⁓ snowplow parenting, what it is ⁓ and why it's not healthy in a family and why we want to move away from it. And I hope we gave you the tools you need to be able to shift that. So ⁓ please take this episode, share it with your friends, especially ones you think are snow plowing, that you're like, that friend, let's hope they hear this one ⁓ and ⁓ give them a different perspective on how to just change these dynamics, this dance with their kid. And we hope you have a wonderful day.