Episode 211

In today's episode, we're going to talk about something a lot of moms feel, but don't always have the language for, and this is perfect because this is dropping the day after mother's day. because if you've ever felt overwhelmed as a mom, I mean, you, you come on. If you ever felt that you ever felt kind of like completely overwhelmed, like your brain just won't shut off. Even when you're finally getting a moment to just sit down and rest, that's not just stress.

It's overstimulation and most of the advice that there doesn't actually help because it just tells you to do more, to be more when the real problem is that you're already caring too much. And in today's episode, we're gonna give you three very specific steps, not to do more, but actually to do less and to be able to calm your body down, not feel so overstimulated so you can be the mom that you wanna be for your kids. And so,

If you haven't already, please take a moment for you to dive into this episode and deposit and leave a rating, a review, a comment. It's always so cool for us to go back. I just saw one last week that was very touching to Sarah and I to hear how this podcast has been helping their family. And we'd love to hear from you. It always means a lot because obviously we're doing this with our own time, our own money, because we want to help families. And also if you, after this episode are saying, man, I want more help with me and my co-parent on how we're parenting.

Kyle Wester (29:33.078)
Reach out to me and see if our parent coaching is the right fit for you. Reach out to me at kyle at artofraisinghumans.com and we can set up a short call to see if that would be a good fit for you. So get ready to dive in and moms to get some relief today.

Kyle Wester (00:01.208)
Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle. Hey everybody, welcome. I'm Sarah.

And we want to say happy late Mother's Day to all mothers listening to the podcast right now. Happy Mother's Day to you, Sarah. Thanks. I'm sure you had a fantastic day. I know we're recording this. A weeks beforehand. we wanted to specifically focus on moms on this episode and talk about just the stress sometimes that moms are going through and ways to address that. But first we want to say we had a very exciting event happen a few weeks ago. We talked about it a lot on the podcast, but Dr. Tina Payne-Bryson, author

of Whole Brain Child, No Drama Discipline, and many, many other books came to Tulsa, got to hang out with her for a day. She came and spoke at a local school here in Tulsa, and it was great. It was really cool. And hopefully what that's going to do too is lead into some really amazing guests that we're going to have on the podcast in the next few months, because Tina's going to connect us with some people that I think will be fantastic for this audience, and you're going to want to hear those voices. But today, let's focus on

moms and we're talking about why so many moms feel overstimulated right now and what's actually happening in the mom brain right and in the nervous system and the three shifts that you can do that can actually help you today. So then you can feel more calm more present.

and not like you're constantly on edge in your own home. I mean, do you feel that way? Yes. And so why does this matter, Sarah? Why does talking about this matter? I don't even know. I mean, it matters for obvious reasons. I think it matters because we need to feel.

Kyle Wester (01:46.798)
seen and heard we need to feel understood. It feels better to go oh wow a lot of other moms feel this is really quite normal and then to have a glimmer of hope in there that you kind of feel like you can be sinking sometimes and to just feel like okay all right this is this can shift and not always feel like that.

Well, we also want moms, I mean, I'm sure every mom feels like this is just normal. This is just part of being a mom, right? And it's helpful to bring awareness to what's actually happening, you know, because if you just think, I just have to go through this, this is just what moms feel and that they have to feel overwhelmed. They have to feel like they're just sinking and drowning, right? With all the daily activities. But what's actually happening in your nervous system is you're staying in this constant state of activation. You know, it's kind of like the alarm in the house.

state of activation. currently you currently are right? I currently yes. Yeah, cuz you got a lot on your plate. Yes. And so you're not just doing tasks, but you're also you're tracking everything, right? Yeah, you're tracking all the responsibilities, you're tracking what all the kids needs are, who needs what, what's coming up, what might go wrong, how everyone is feeling at that time, right? And so that can be a big, big burden.

And over time, that constant tracking can create a kind of background stress that never fully turns off, right? And I think when that's going on, it can make it really hard to be present and to really think because it's like this constant noise in your head. And so we wanna make sure we talk about how your nervous system becomes the environment your child grows up in.

Kids don't just respond to what we say, but they respond to the emotional tone that we're carrying.

Kyle Wester (03:34.028)
So this isn't just about you feeling better, it's actually about shaping how your kids experience you and the home. Because if you're in this constant state of alert or alarm, the kids are gonna constantly feel that stress from you. I know as a kid, I felt that way with my mom. My mom many times was working two to three jobs just to pay the mortgage and it was sad. I felt like my mom could very rarely rest. And if she did, she fell asleep.

Yeah, you always talk about her falling asleep when you're sitting to watch a movie for 10 minutes and she'd be asleep. Yes. And they'd be like, mom, why are you sleeping? And as a kid, I didn't know it. just thought, why is mom always tired? But it's because my mom was constantly cooking and cleaning and doing groceries and all these things that were expected of moms. You would think a long time ago, but still too often are expected of moms even today. Yeah. And I think most of the moms kind of feel this shift, the expectations, because of social media, there's

There's this the comparison thing is really huge You know, I think it's always probably been hard with everyone in the neighborhood and the moms at school But now it's like and the entire world, you know, and you see all of them doing yes and and the Needing to work on top of that and have you know this amazing career where you're this great career person or you know and it's kind of different for each mom you might be caring for your parents or grandparents as well as parenting your own kids and

There's all kinds of different pressures that are hitting us today and it's hard. Yeah. And so what's actually happening there in all of that stuff, like you said, adding on the social media element and seeing, look at all those moms are doing so well. Or those, those moms seem to be able to have it all together and do all this. What's actually happening is your brain is just running through way too many open loops. And so your brain is hiding or holding dozens of unfinished thoughts.

things you need to do, remember, make sure you follow up on. For moms, this isn't just a few things, it's dozens, right? I mean, like it's school schedules, it's meals, it's emotional needs, it's conversations you need to have and follow up with, or things you forgot to do the day before. And when those loops stay open, your brain, it just can't rest and it keeps scanning and holding everything. So then even when you sit down, your mind doesn't. Yeah.

Kyle Wester (05:56.59)
100 % or try to sleep at night. Your mind doesn't, you wake up, your mind is going, your mind is just always going. Even if you, mean, I have times right now, I'm in one of those times, or even if I try to watch a show, I can't, couldn't tell you what happened in the show. Cause my brain's thinking, okay, I gotta remember to iron that for tomorrow. And I got to remember to order that thing.

Yeah, so well, even if we can just be transparent, I know you're you're you're struggling right now with we're doing a podcast and we're doing a podcast in a week where we went to a funeral because you lost your grandfather, right?

And so I know you're here this week dealing with all of that weight, right? And you're here also dealing with families in town and you wanna love your family and you wanna show them, connect with them while they're here, cause they came from out of town, right? And so I just wanna be transparent that as we're doing this, you're praying so, it's so struggling right now. And it's like, why do this podcast? Let's just put it off and like, yeah, but we've got this day. We wanted to do this one for moms.

And I just think it's really appropriate for moms to know that that's what you're dealing with right now, that that's on your mind. Very much. And so I know as we're trying to help them, these are like key points that you are also using to want to help yourself. These are key points. So it's not like we've got it all figured out, that you're this mom, like Sarah, she's figured out how to do this. When I was writing the notes up for this, I very much feel like, wow, I'm...

I am 100 % in this right now and what am I finding that's helpful?

Kyle Wester (07:31.83)
And so I just, hope as you're listening, this is like a real life thing. Lots of times when we're sharing these topics, they're, they hit home. They're ones that we currently are wrestling with or we're helping a lot of different parents with. And so I thought this one was really, really pertinent for you. it'd be this hard. But so, what we know is that this isn't just about stress. It's not just about mom's feeling stress, right? It's really about this constant overstimulation and not having time to recover.

So this constant when you have constant input coming in constant noise constant questions mom mom mom mom, know You know I just had a mom the other day who's like when she goes to the restroom her kid always follows her and so do the dogs and the cat and she's like I am looking forward to when I can go to the restroom where nobody is following me But then they also might feel very lonely But she said you know, like like we know that stress isn't supposed to be a constant thing. It's supposed to actually rise

and fall, but for many moms, it just stacks on top of each other. Yeah. It's kind of, you get this little, your nervous system is sitting there and hopefully in a state of calm and then something happens and, you're nervous and it goes, okay, I got this. And you try to, you know, it kind of gets, you know, has to build up for the moment. But sometimes we get in these times in life where it's like stack, stack, stacks again, it never gets to fall back down and rest. And you're just in this heightened.

time all the time. Yeah. Well, it's not to say you can't handle the stress or the stress is too much for you per se, but it is saying that your system isn't ever getting a chance to come back down.

which is that's the point. We're supposed to almost like, think of it like weightlifting, where you take on some stress, you lift up some weights, but you're not just supposed to hold the weight, you're supposed to put the weight back down. And that's actually how you build muscle is by lifting it, putting it down, lifting it, putting down. But if you keep holding it, eventually it's just gonna wear out your muscles and you can't lift it anymore, right? And that's, we need to figure out how do we do that? How do we, how do moms, how are they able a break. Yeah, how they able to get Their nervous system needs to be able to shut down for a moment.

Kyle Wester (09:38.508)
Yes, so so so when we think about the maternal brain, there is there's also something really important happening neurologically when you become a mom, you

your brain literally becomes more sensitive to your child's needs. I mean, we all know this that like the baby's cries, like you hear them and it does make an alarm go off in you, know, that you feel like you've got to answer. Yeah. mean, probably most moms know this, you mean physiologically, like real things are happening inside of you that aren't happening in other people around you or the dad, but you know, you're something is different when the baby cries or

calls out mom or something else happens in you. know even I think sometimes you're like, because I can be in the middle of something if my kid says mom, it's just like, it's like, I hone in on them. And it's just part of that autopilot that happens in your brain. Yeah. Yeah. And you begin to notice more, you anticipate more, you feel more responsible for this little human. And that's not weakness. It's actually a powerful way that we are designed as humans, especially as moms, like you're saying.

But when that sensitivity is paired with a constant demand and there's no support, it turns into overload. And that's when it starts to become kind of crushing. So why do moms feel this more intensely? This isn't just about who is doing more tasks. So it can be, but it's not just that. It's about who is actually carrying the mental and emotional load. Moms are often the ones anticipating the needs before they happen, remembering details, no one else is tracking and managing the emotional.

tone of the home and I know many times you've talked about that you've talked about how Maybe I've come home after a stressful day at work and and you can feel that it kind of changes the time Then you start thinking about the kids and you can feel how the kids were feeling that stress I'm sure many moms who are listening know that that like maybe dad shows up and it changes and shifts and then now mom's got to be sensitive to like do I need to make sure dad doesn't get mad? Do I need to you know, all those kind of dynamics happening?

Kyle Wester (11:39.528)
But you're not just doing tasks, you're actually carrying the experience of the family. And you're thinking about how things feel for everyone, not just what needs to get done. Yeah. And I think that is, it's not just the task list. And I really want to just highlight that part because I think...

If it almost be easier if it was just a task list and then you're just busy. But is the holding of everyone's emotions and disappointments and you could have one child who's super excited about some success they've had while another child is crushed because of some big disappointment or another one had a fight and they're really mad or extra tired and it's all the play of all the emotions that you're trying to care for and anticipate and you know.

that on top of just a task list, it, you yeah, it's a lot and let alone your own feelings. course. Yeah. Or your partners. Yeah. And then you're thinking, like you're saying this week, dealing with tragedy when things are sad moments or grief that people are going through families in town. I a lot of that happens over holidays as well, you know, but you feel like you've got to manage all of that. Right. So, so we want to talk about how, how to make that shift. Okay. you know, this is where most advice we have found kind of just gets it wrong. It tells moms to try harder.

Typically, it's probably guys saying that, but try harder. Just be more patient. Get more organized. Come on. Get your stuff together. But overstimulation isn't a behavior problem. It's a load problem. And you don't fix overstimulation by just trying harder, you know, pushing through it. You fix it by changing what your system is carrying.

So that's, want to get into some three specific steps. Something that felt like it was a little deeper than the, You know, of course we know we need to be organized and you always think, I mean, if I could just get that part figured out, I could just do that a little bit better, a little more efficient. This would be all smoother, you know, but yeah, I want to go a little deeper than that. So let's talk about three shifts that can actually help you today. Okay. Number one, get it out of your head. Your brain is not a storage unit.

Kyle Wester (13:41.07)
Because a huge part of overwhelm isn't what you're doing, it's what you're holding. So think of it, it's all like a bunch of weight that you're holding mentally. Your brain is tracking everything, like we said, the schedules, the emotions, the conversations, what's coming next. And when it holds all of that, it never gets a chance to really rest. And so a practical step would be start a simple running note on your phone or paper.

Talk about that. does that help? Yeah. Now I do notice this. It's like getting your brain the whole time is trying to hold all the little pieces, you know, while you're doing laundry, you're thinking about your grocery list and while you're doing and that multitasking thing that people are like, you're so good. I'm so good at multitasking or I've got a multitask, but our brains work better and more efficient if we can offload those things, have times for things and then get them out of our heads. Our head doesn't have to keep track of those things, you know? And for me, that's my phone.

That's my little every day my little alerts, you know, but having it be do the work for my brain So my brain has a little a little more rest than it than it does You know and all I have to do is just let the brain let the phone be that part of the brain So find your own little ways of doing that but get things out of your head. So you're not the one having

to store them and keep them and make sure they're Well, I think what you're saying, this is not necessarily like a, it could be a checklist, but it didn't have to be a To me, I see it as an attempt to externalize the weight that's internal, right? So you're like, it could be like, like for me, sometimes when I'm thinking of this for myself, even it's like, oh, I need to have this talk with Sarah later on. I'm trying to spend, really focus in on this client I'm helping or these parents I'm coaching. I'm going to put that on a note real quick.

that way that I don't need to think about it. Because otherwise I find if I don't do that, even when I might be trying to coach this parent, I can hear a voice in my head saying, don't forget this, make sure you talk about that, right? And if I can externalize it, then at least I know Sarah, I don't need to hold it.

Kyle Wester (15:39.276)
Right. there, mean, even my phone, can, I know if there's a text I need to send later, I can actually use the send later. I mean, it's a small little thing, but finding those little things where you can go, okay, that's going to do that for me at 6pm tonight. So I don't have to, know, even we do that sometimes with our reels or other kinds of things that we post, put those on. And so what you're saying along with this would be maybe like do a two minute mental, unload once or twice a day where you kind of like check in what, what, what's the weight I'm carrying. Can I unload some of that? but, but the point

we're making here on this first one is you don't need to get more done. You know need to hold less in your head so it's not about doing more it's about holding less. Number two lower the input not just the expectations. know most advice tells moms to simplify.

or say no, but the real issue is constant input that keeps coming in. Noise, questions, interruptions, touch, it never seems to stop. Even when nothing is wrong, your system is getting overwhelmed. So a practical step to deal with this is create small, low-input moments. Like maybe sit in silence for two minutes, turn off some background noise, maybe pause between some transitions.

Yeah. And I know moms feel this one. Cause I feel like I talked to mom's a lot about this and just, just yesterday we were, was talking to a mom and I was talking about how my, I always say my ears are tired because I'll, know, hearing all the stories and this week in particular, there's been a lot of listening that I've been doing and, I'll just, I just get tired of listening. And I think people can relate to that. And I need to be in a space where I don't have to listen to anyone or anything. And a lot of moms talk about being touched out.

You know, you just, you've been touched and grabbing and holding and you don't want anyone to touch you for a while, but that's your system telling you it's not something wrong with you, but it's just your system saying, okay, okay, we're at max here. And so creating these little intentional windows where, you know, for me, I might go in my room cause it's got good windows and just let the light hit me from the sunlight step outside.

Kyle Wester (17:47.278)
in the car, I'll say, okay, for a little while, let's do some quiet time. And I like piano guys. So I turn on piano guys. It's soft, it's soothing to my nervous system. And we just have quiet. And so just creating those spaces where you recognize that and go, okay, I need less input. I will turn off the TV at my house because the extra noise in the background is really exhausting. Some when I already have a full brain, it's just more noise. My brain is trying to figure out.

And so I'll turn it off so I have a quiet house. Even if my kids are talking and doing things, it's one less thing. So just those kinds of things of creating intentional quiet so your system is processing less information. It's great. So in that one, it's once again, you don't just need less to do, but you need less coming at you, less input. Stimulation to your once again, yeah, you're calming down your nervous system. So number three.

stop managing everything alone and shift from help to ownership. So this is where you slow down and, and, and this can kind of, we really want this to kind of hit both moms and dads. We're thinking about this. lot of moms aren't just doing more, but they're managing everything. Even when there's help, they're still tracking, they're planning, they're delegating. Okay. So if you still have to think about it, then you're still carrying it. Okay. So this is where I know for us, we've tried to

especially as I've become more aware of it as a husband and as a dad, try to be more, and I'm speaking to dads now, just being more conscious of the load that you have. And I know there's loads we both have, but there is a lot of things that I just take for granted that just get done. And I know because I'm not thinking about them and they just magically happen. And I know I even did a reel about this, this feels kind of stupid, but just about how every time we go on trips, I just.

I thought packing was easy because I just packed me. just, and then you would, I didn't even know all the work many times you were doing, packing up yourself and the kids. And it was kind of like, that's great. Look, the kids got all packed. And I, I many times didn't even see you pack them with their stuff or even as they've gotten older, now they do more of that on their own. But even then you're still thinking, yeah, but did they miss this? They forget that. And that's typically not stuff that I think in my head. but that stuff I could help with that load. So, so move from

Kyle Wester (20:05.742)
thinking this question, can you help with this to you own this category completely? like, you know, giving that off to the co parents, right, or even giving that off to the kid who is old enough to do that thing to be able to just offload that to him. And if I'm speaking to dads, the goal isn't to help more, it's to take full ownership so that your mom, your wife doesn't have to carry it all mentally.

So how can I as a dad take that on? Yeah, and because I think a lot of dads honestly may even be pretty good at saying, hey, what can I help with? Or how can I help with that? But then that just feels very, very different when because then I still okay, I'm to hold all the pieces, the organization, the supplies, that whatever it might be, and I'm going to tell you give you a task to do of that. It feels very, very different if it's

Hey, I got that whole thing. don't even, you don't need to plan for it. You don't need to make sure it's done. You don't, all of that I, I own and I will take care of or one of your kids. know for kids, it's a little harder because sometimes they're just not ready to fully own, but it does feel amazingly different when someone's just like, bam, that's completely gone. I'm not just going to help you with it. own it. if I could share one way, this was really cool. How it brought a lot of, it's been bringing a lot of fun memories for us is

We for a while have been trying to be intentional by having like a family meeting every Sunday. And we were trying to get into the habit that it was hard. It was kind of hit or miss. We really liked it every time we did it. But then I remember there was one Sunday where I could see the mental load on your mind because we'd had a busy weekend with soccer tournaments and all that kind of stuff. And the kids were like, mom, I'm hungry. And I'm thinking, yeah, I'm hungry too.

What are we eating? Like looking to you and I could see that your face was like, why is this my job? Why am I the one? And we're like, you're the one with the ideas, you know? And then that's I was like, why are we expecting this out of you? Why don't we just all do this together? And then it was like, let's try to plan every Sunday to cook together, to cook a meal together, to share this together. And it's become very fun. And then the kids...

Kyle Wester (22:17.88)
We're able to take different aspects of that, right? And even though it's not completely taking it from you and us just taking it, it's like we're all sharing it. And therefore, even though we're holding the weight, it's actually bringing more unity. And then when we do talk about things that we need to talk about with the kids, it goes much smoother than it was before. Because it doesn't seem like we're just popping down and having a meeting. It's like, no, we're creating dinner. We're eating. We're talking.

And so I think if you guys don't have anything like that in your fam, I would encourage you to try to start something like that, because that's been really, really fun for us. So basically, I want to those three again. Number one, get it out of your head. Your brain is not a storage unit. Number two, lower the input, not just the expectations. And then number three, stop managing everything alone. Shift from help to ownership. And I know that's a part of bringing your co-parent into that. But we want to make sure on that one that relief doesn't come from

for more help, it comes from less responsibility sitting on you. So we wanna figure out how to do that. So research shows that a mom's emotional presence shapes how kids regulate, connect, and feel safe. And that's why this topic is so important. But this is important. It's not about being perfect. We're not trying to say, let's do it perfect. It's not your perfection that shapes your kids. It's your presence and your repair.

I want to emphasize that it's so valuable for moms to be able to unload this stuff and not have that stress. I I look back at so many moments I probably missed with my mom because she just wasn't able to be present. And I remember as a kid missing that I wanted to be present with my mom. I wanted to share this movie with my mom or share that, but I know my mom felt so burdened that she couldn't, you know? And then, and then I actually, when I look back.

as a kid, I took it as like an offense when my mom would fall asleep while I was trying to watch a movie with her. But now I look back and just feel compassion for my mom because she didn't feel like she could. Yeah, she couldn't stop. Like I remember so many times Sarah, would we'd be in middle of a movie and I hear the dishes getting cleaned or I hear like, Mom, stop doing those come sit down. And I know my mom's mind, who else is going to do those? You know, and, I wish I would have had those moments back to where we could have just sat down. She could have.

Kyle Wester (24:35.19)
not held all that herself, right? And that's what we're hoping for moms now who are listening to this podcast. Even when you get overwhelmed and come back to reconnect, that's what builds resilience in your kids and your family, okay? Is it's not about just doing all this just right or just perfect. It's all about recognizing it, being aware of it, and then being able to come back and reconnect when it is getting overwhelming, okay?

So I want to specifically go speak to dads. So if you're listening as a dad, this matters more than you think to your family and to your kids. So I hope you're paying attention. I hope you understand this podcast wasn't just for moms. When you take things off your wife's fully, not just help, you change the entire emotional tone of the home. You actually free your kid's mother to be there fully for your kids. And they need that and they want it.

and they will thank you for it. So in closing, to the moms who feel like your brains never turn off, you are not failing, you're overloaded. And the fact that you care this much about showing up well already matters more than you realize. And it actually is what makes moms so freaking cool. Because it is, it is so important. I mean, it's so cool. There's so many times, Sarah, I mentioned this just the other day.

how cool moms can be. I was hiking up a hill. I was practicing for this mountain hike I wanna do. And I got kinda tired and I sat down and there was this older couple who were also hiking up this thing. And I remember the guy, he walked by me, didn't say a word. And then his wife, just a few minutes later walks by, she stops and looks at me and says, are you okay?

And that was just so cool. was like, that was so cool. I was perfectly fine, but it was really neat that she cared, you know? And I was like, well, it was really nice. And I thought I probably totally would have been like that guy. I probably just would have walked on by. But she saw a person sitting down, looking overwhelmed, and she was like, are you okay? And I was like, I just thanked her. Thanks for checking in. You know, it's really nice. I told you that story, Sarah, and I want lots of moms to hear that story. That's what you do so often. And I hope your Mother's Day was great. I hope you felt valued.

Kyle Wester (26:52.118)
and I hope you did get some of this off your plate. But this week, I really hope and pray for you that these steps help you not feel so burdened, not feel so overwhelmed to where you can be fully present, because your kids want it and need it. And so just want to say thank you. Thank you to you, Sarah, for being an amazing mom and continue your patience on the work I'm trying to do to take more off your plate so you can be fully present.

And I know it's probably gonna be something I'm doing the rest of my life, just trying to figure that out. But I wanna thank you all, all the moms and dads who listened today, and we hope you have a wonderful.