Episode 167

If you are a parent, ⁓ I can bet that you have taken time to think about the legacy you're leaving your kids. ⁓ I bet you've been very intentional in many ways about the educational legacy, the financial legacy, you know, ⁓ all, all types of legacies, all ways that you hope to take the good from what you were given and, ⁓ you want to build upon that. And I think so often one area that tends to get missed, at least that we don't think intentionally about.
is the legacy that we're leaving our kids when it comes to emotional intelligence. And I know that might be a topic that you're vaguely familiar with. Maybe you've even dived quite a bit into it, but I'm sure most of you have heard the term. It's definitely becoming more pervasive in our society. And Sarah and I really wanted to jump into that conversation with you today to give you not only clear steps on how to raise the emotional intelligence of yourself and your children, but also to talk about the common things we do to undermine that.
to actually make it harder for our kids to be emotionally intelligent. And then we're going to share the 15 traits that will be a result of a family that is emotionally intelligent. And we are going to give you that PDF today for free for you to download. so let's, you're going to really enjoy this conversation, learning more about emotional intelligence and how to leave a legacy with your kids where they are just much more equipped and able to navigate this world in a successful way.
because they're not being controlled by their feelings, but instead they're knowing how to listen to them and knowing how to communicate them and knowing what to do with them, right? Instead of just being scared or overwhelmed by them. Okay. So if you could take a moment before you jump into that podcast and rate us, review us, leave a comment, all those things are fantastic and helpful to us. And we really appreciate you doing that today ⁓ and hope you have a great time learning about EQ.
Kyle Wester (0:1.570)
Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle. Hi there, I'm Sarah. And you know, Sarah, I know ever since we had kids, something that was really important to us was about changing the legacy. You know, it was a big deal to us. I think a lot of families, it's not that they wanna throw everything else out, right? But they definitely wanna build upon the legacy and what their parents have given to them. Yeah, I think we're very, very grateful for what our parents gave us.
love my parents, they gave us so many things. And when then when you're staring at your little baby, you're thinking, okay, I want to take all these great things they've given us. Maybe there's a few things to throw out, but we're not even it's not a it's a okay, now we've learned and we're growing and what do we want to add to this? And one thing we wanted to add was EQ. Yeah, EQ, if you don't know is emotional intelligence. And, you know, ⁓ I think Sarah, before we even dive into that, I was thinking our first conversations were
We definitely wanted to give our kids a legacy in education. We definitely wanted to be intentional financially, you know, like our parents did the best they could financially, but we had to want to do. Yeah, we had to accumulate a lot of debt to get through college and we were like, how could we help our kids not have to do that? And I know everybody listening is like, yes, I would like that. We wanted to have a certain type of house, a certain type of place to live a certain, you know, all these kinds of things.
that we thought about ways in which we would have changed what our parents did. But one, I didn't give a lot of thought to, I think you did much more than me early on, was how do we help leave a different legacy and how our kids relate to their emotions, ⁓ communicate those emotions, you know? Like I remember early on, you and I, since we both worked with kids, there would be all this intention.
about watching our oldest when she was a baby, can she stack those blocks? Does she see patterns and colors? We were real intentional about reading to them every night because we'd read a lot of research that said that raises smart kids, right? Even when they're tummy time as babies, ⁓ you know, making sure, okay, the muscles are developing, okay, we're doing the cognitive development, and then along comes the emotional development.

Kyle Wester (2:8.844)
Yeah, and so I never had really put much thought and I don't know if our listeners had as well to think, ⁓ what is the legacy we are going to leave with them about their emotions? And then that's when a lot of that was coming out at that time, a lot of that kind of wording, you know, this was about, you know, 15 to 20 years ago, where it's much more prevalent in our society was this idea of EQ and not just focusing on IQ, which I think everybody wants to raise a genius, right? I mean, we all want to have a person with high IQ, but then we're like,
man, the research is saying having a kid with EQ, it might even be more important. Yeah, there was some really big research coming out at that time about predictors of, you everyone's always trying to predict what's going to lead to a really good life for a child, right? And they were, and for a long time, IQ was getting all this attention. You want a really smart kid, or you want to give them an education, you want to reach that potential for them. And then EQ came on the scene and they're like, wait a second, that's actually a better predictor.
of how someone's going to do in life, then their IQ? And that was a shock, I think, to most people, because we just assumed this intelligence was the key. And then they're finding out that this EQ thing is very, important. Yeah. And I think in a lot of families, emotions, especially big ones, are threatening. I think a lot of people, we don't know what to do with them. And with the way I was raised and somewhat the way you were raised too, Sarah, emotions were not always welcome.
You you were taught as a kid to not show big emotions. You were only supposed to stuff those or somehow work through them on your own. But you weren't supposed to show up in the family with these big, sad, scared, angry emotions because they were going to disrupt the peace of the home. They were going bring a of conflict. Right. was either keep those inside, tuck those away. We don't deal with them, brush them under the rug. Or maybe a bigger emotion would come in to shut down that emotion.
But the whole idea was shutting it down, putting it away, packing it up. We didn't want to see that. We didn't want to experience that. It was all about holding yourself together. What I think if we're going to define what emotional intelligence is, ⁓ you you're basically looking at a few different things. You're looking at awareness of them, the regulation of the emotion, having empathy, like being able to feel the other feelings the other person's having, and then having social skills on how to relate to other human beings, you know?

Kyle Wester (4:33.516)
which once again, these things are not things my parents ever ⁓ talked to me about. They did not talk about. They just didn't exist. It wasn't. It was not normal language. didn't use this language. even their fault. mean, it just, it wasn't there to discuss. ⁓ Well, and so what we've learned from the research, like you were saying, to bounce off of that is kids with high IQ just tend to have better mental health, which we're much more aware of that. They're more resilient. Yay. Like that's awesome. We want kids who can bounce back from hard times.
You know, like a lot of times people think when you focus on feelings, you're raising like weak kids or kids who are snowflakes or whatever that might be. The judgment might be there, but really you're raising kids who know how to bounce back because they're not overtaken and overwhelmed by the emotion. They're actually really comfortable with emotion. You're actually teaching them. Here's the emotion. We can be comfortable with whatever feeling comes along our way because we've learned what to do with those feelings, not just stuffing them or acting like they're not there, shutting them down, but we're learning.
This is what I do when I have really big feelings. So when even harder things come along in life, they've got this practice of having feelings and what to do with those feelings to be able to move forward. And it helps our kids be more socially capable, meaning they can ⁓ move through different types of social situations more successfully, have stronger, deeper ⁓ relationships. ⁓ It's a big one for a relationship. Yeah. friends, with siblings, with a spouse, right? ⁓ And more successful academically and professionally. So that's just some of the ⁓ biggies.
⁓ And that also EQ is linked to having less anxiety and less depression throughout your life, which also those are things we really want for our kids. And it's a problem we're seeing all throughout our society of kids being overwhelmed and not knowing what to do because the world can be kind of a scary place right now. Yeah. Yeah. And that I go in back to what you just said before, ⁓ it's you actually increase the chances of anxiety, depression, anger, all that stuff when we don't.
face the feelings when we aren't comfortable talking about the feelings, experiencing the feelings, that's what leads to that. ⁓ Instead of the opposite where people are, well, if we spend a lot of time in emotions, they're just gonna become emotional. ⁓ And that's actually not the case. Yeah, I wanted to give a quick example of this one family I've helped for quite some time and was coaching them and they had a kid who lots of times would be defensive, you know, as I was when I was a kid. If somehow I was called out on something, I get really defensive and argumentative. And it was very difficult for that kid.

Kyle Wester (6:58.486)
And I feel myself as a kid to really own it and take responsibility for what happened. And so as I've been working with this family for them as parents to become more emotionally intelligent, more aware, less reactive, right. And they've been able to help their kid with that, that they were telling me like one of the biggest success stories they had recently was the kid did something he was annoying a sibling or something like that. And when he was called out on that when that was pointed out, instead of him being defensive, he was able to take a moment.
he was able to own it and then just tell them, I'm just kind of bored. ⁓ So I was just trying to kind of get stimulation by doing it. And then the parents could say, let's look, do you want help with that? And they were able to work through it and find something else to do. And that just what, that was his default in the past was just annoying my sibling when I'm bored. And then that will rile things up and that would cause so much chaos in the family. But as the emotional intelligence has been raised,
There's this better awareness of what's happening so then we can actually then express the need and then do something about it. What great insight. That's awesome. Well, it's really cool to hear that. seems small, but I every listener to this would be thinking that would be great. I'd love for that. Yeah, want your child to have this pause and be able to go, wait, what's going on? Oh, this is what's happening inside of me. This is why I'm doing this. Yeah. And a big part of emotional regulation, I think is why it's hard for adults too, to give this to their kids is many of us don't have it. I know Sarah over the past,
15 years since we've had kids, ⁓ I feel like I'm still a very reactive person more than I would like to be, meaning like I get triggered too often by certain things, but success is it happens less and less and less. There's more and more awareness about it. And so therefore I can model more of that to the kids, right? So as I become more aware and more intelligent over what is happening internally, I can then give that to the kids. ⁓ So that's a big part of emotional.
and intelligence is as you're working with your kids with this is we start to get smarter too and more aware of that. And I think that that's so important to realize that a lot of parents right now are learning it alongside of their child. So at the same time, we're trying to teach our children maybe we haven't been given this or it's real ⁓ kind of murky for us. Maybe you're really, you're not even aware of your emotion till two days later when you're thinking, I think that's what I was feeling a couple of days ago because you're really good at just stuffing it and moving on.

Kyle Wester (9:20.870)
or you're really reactive and you're thinking, that was a really big reaction to my child not putting on their shoes. So wherever you are in that, it's because we're still working it out in ourselves and then we're still trying to teach our child at the same time. That's gonna be hard. ⁓ And we just need to realize that's gonna be hard. Just accept it's gonna be hard, it's gonna be messy, that's okay. It's gonna be messy because it's something new. I think of it's a new skill we're all learning, a new skill we're aware of, almost similar to learning how to do a phone. ⁓
a smartphone or then now learning how to do AI, learning how to do whatever it is. At first, we're going to stink at it. And it's going to be, it's going to be awkward and weird. And if we just are accepting of that, ⁓ but also realizing just like the smartphone, this information isn't going anywhere. So we can put our head in the sand and say, I don't want a smartphone. I don't want to be connected to the internet all the time. Or we can say that's actually part of what's happening in life. And then once I accept it, I can decide what I want to do with it. Right.
And so sometimes there are, ⁓ do run into feelings within myself, Sarah, where I'm like, why do we have to deal with all these feelings? ⁓ Rather just like, just put it away, stop showing me all these, right? And I want to put my head in the sand and act like feelings aren't important. They don't play a big role, but I think we're missing an opportunity every time we do that. ⁓ So a big part of becoming more emotionally intelligent and helping kids have a higher EQ. ⁓
is coaching them through the emotions. So one of the first things I do, Sarah, when I'm helping a kid is I want to increase their feeling vocabulary. And it's kind of funny. I some kids, I'll say, how many feeling words do think they know? And they'll say, two. Other kids will say, 30. And I'll be like, great, let's do it. And the reason why that's important is part of being able to have a higher EQ is being able to understand what is actually happening inside of me with my feelings and then giving them names.
because feeling disappointed is much different than feeling sad. It may look similar, but it is different. So that's a big part of helping increase our vocabulary, how we talk about feelings and how we help our kids talk about them. Yeah, maybe people have heard of a feeling wheel. You can easily find a feeling wheel. You can just look it up. Those, think, are really helpful because we tend.

Kyle Wester (11:38.830)
to get stuck in just five different feelings. And we tend to even mention those to our kids and they get stuck in those five different feelings when just like what you're saying, the little variety of feelings is so helpful when you're communicating, when you're resolving conflicts. nuances of them. Yes. And that, so I just want to highlight that is important. You should take out a feeling wheel as a parent and look at it and just be surprised.
and think through different situations and think, thought I was sad, actually this is, and dig down into it because then you want to be able to do that. So your children can do it and you'll just see the power of what that does to your communication when you actually can get to the ⁓ real feeling, not just I'm angry. ⁓ And if you're married or in a serious relationship, it's going to help that too. Yeah. So the ability for us to do that with each other also helps us be able to communicate better.
Another big aspect of emotional intelligence is also being able to identify what's happening in your body when that feeling happens, right? So the ability to say, man, when I'm scared, I feel it here. think I remember Sarah as a little kid, one of the ways our parents did do this real common was you talked about feeling butterflies, you know, whenever you were nervous. And as soon as I felt butterflies, I was like,
I feel nervous. And it wasn't like, what is happening? Why am I feeling? Which sometimes it is that right with other feelings that I'm not as used to feeling, but nervous was super easy to identify because we had language for it. There was a way, like if I, if I said, Hey, I'm not, I'm feeling kind of weird about doing this ⁓ acting thing or speaking and my parents just said, do you feel some butterflies? I think you're feeling kind of nervous. I'd be like, that is what I'm feeling, you know? And then I immediately was able to connect with my parent on that. ⁓ And I was able to do something.
And I think people like, ⁓ feel, where do you feel that in your body? There, may be some, if you're one of those people has a reaction to this, just like, just ⁓ give us some thought, give it just please ⁓ don't just brush this aside. Cause if you, ⁓ if anyone's read your body keeps the score. There's all kinds of stuff coming out. How our bodies were not as isolated, our feelings and our health and all that are not, ⁓ siloed, they interact with each other. And so your feelings.

Kyle Wester (13:53.160)
are expressed in your body. Your body is experiencing those things and ⁓ it'll help you in processing their feelings to help your children. If you actually can raise that awareness, you're don't feel it anywhere in my body. It's going to take some practice to realize where you're feeling that your heart is racing, your stomach, you you mentioned that one. But there are way more than just those that people are real familiar with. There's a lot more than that. So pay attention. Well, even every time I've seen adults do that or kids do that, ⁓
I'm always surprised how quick they can identify it. And I still think it's not something I identify quickly. ⁓ I really have to put a lot of thought into it. And I'm always surprised. How did you know how you like, I'm a part of it is I think ⁓ because my upbringing, awesome, my personality, I'm just not as in tune a lot of times with that. ⁓ And so even that might lead to, like you said, where I'm running or doing physical exercise and something is hurting and I'm just not in tune with it. And then I end up.
getting an injury, you know, or I'll just think push through it, Kyle, it's not that big a deal. And then I end up not being able to exercise for two months because of that injury. It's something that takes some practice to be able to be aware of yourself when you've been maybe you couldn't pay attention to yourself. Yeah. But now you can. So take the time and be intentional about doing it. Yeah. So there's a quick, quick, several things you could do to help your kids just on a daily basis, get better at this and kind of start raising your EQ and theirs.
And one of them is just using daily moments, Sarah, daily moments like bedtime or after school as times for connection and to emotionally check in with your kids. I know you really love doing that, especially bedtime in particular. The kids seem to, we get through the bedtime routine pretty quick, but you guys take a long time when you guys do it. I do, I do. So from the time our kids were little, that was just a moment to me.
⁓ To set some intention for how they were gonna sleep and to wrap up the day because you know things happen And you're not always aware of what's happening. So for me that was one it doesn't have it doesn't work for everybody You know, like ⁓ honestly even Kyle sometimes he's working evenings and he's not home So that's not even an opportunity for him So it doesn't have to be that way but find those times could be driving home from school could be driving to somewhere Just find these little times where you are intentional

Kyle Wester (16:6.830)
very regular, maybe there's nothing there, but you want to allow the space, you want kids to count on that space. Well, typically, since I get up early, my time has been in the morning, right? So a lot of times to be sitting with them in the morning talking. The second one was using moments of dysregulation as learning opportunities, be moments when the emotions are getting out of control. And then once for me, Sarah, once that once we calm that down, we're able to get back to a place we're connected again, I love reflecting on that.
I talked to a lot of parents when I'm coaching about watching the game film with your kid. ⁓ It's just like an athlete getting more and more intentional and intelligent about the game they're playing is I want to be able to watch the game film. Look back at what happened. What was happening in you? What was the story you were telling yourself in that moment? that's why that feeling happened. That's why that so ⁓ if you can ⁓ use those moments, I think they're gold. These moments of conflict where we end up blowing up at each other. If we can go back to that, look at it.
and get into the habit of doing it, we can learn a lot about each other. ⁓ The third one is teaching kids to pause, reflect, and respond instead of react. Yeah, yeah. ⁓ I often think of it as not joining the chaos, because in those moments, there's some chaos happening. And I don't even mean that in a judgmental way. But if you can just kind of something inside of you say, whoa, whoa, there's some chaos going on here. This is not an emergency.
take a breath, realize, you know, I can respond to the situation with intentionality. And of course kids are going to be terrible at it. I mean, you should see us adults. We're not very good at it either, but kids, mean, I don't have the expectation that my children will do it very often. It's wonderful when they do and they get better and better at it. But it's just like, let me keep teaching you to pause and respond because that's very different. And that's a skill you want for the rest of your life.
We're often very reactive to situations, feeling like it's an emergency. We've been triggered our amygdala is it's all been hijacked and we're in a very emotional state. The ability to calm yourself down and bring yourself back is a skill we all need and would benefit the whole world. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. And once again, going back to the sports metaphor, it's definitely what will help somebody in the middle of an athletic competition to even slow that down and then ⁓ correctly make the next pass or

Kyle Wester (18:21.314)
whatever they need to do. And that's how I see it. Like in the real world is, man, if you don't do that, I'll end up pressing, I'll throw the ball when I'm not supposed to, I'll end up yelling in this moment. It's not helpful, right? We'll just revert back to old habits, right? So the more emotionally intelligent I am, the slower it's going to get. And the more I can respond rather than react. And we want to help our kids do that because that's going to make for
just a much more connected and loving and peaceful home. just think about that in the business place. You know, those you're in the business world, the ability to, to remain calm and be able to intentionally approach a moment when there's conflict at work or a really big decision to make. ⁓ If you can stay in this calm state, that's going to be, ⁓ you know, that's going to serve you. And then definitely in marriage relationships, their ability to do that will make that communication, that relationship more successful. Well, and I want to tie that into the last step on that. The fourth one.
which is having a script kind of ready to go to help you be more emotionally intelligent. And what I'm tying that into, you just said the business world, I'm thinking there's been many times I've been on a call where it's like a customer service call where maybe I'm upset about something. I feel somehow I've been ⁓ mistreated unfairly by this company and the best customer service people, they do this. What they do is they say something like, you're feeling really frustrated right now because somehow
we haven't heard you, we haven't listened to you or somehow this thing went the way you didn't expect it to. And I'd be like, yeah, I am really frustrated right now. And then they'd be like, ⁓ how can I help you with that? Like, what could I do to help you? And I think when you listen to the business world, when they're training their customer service reps, they are doing this. They're wanting the reps to be able to have a high EQ because they're gonna deal with a lot of big emotions and they're wanting to help those customers leave that phone call feeling heard.
and back into a better place where they think positively of that company. And that's what we want when our kids are blowing up at us too. Yeah, very true. Very true. This skill. I mean, I think everyone can have a hundred scenarios running through their heads where they're thinking, I wish I had that in that moment, or I wish that other person had that moment. Yeah. But we know our children need this. But the script is real simple. It's just you being able to take a moment.

Kyle Wester (20:29.120)
and identify the feeling, you know, could be frustrated, sad, ⁓ and just identifying it and no different than when they were a baby and they would point at something and you would just take a guess at what they were wanting, right? You wanted that block, you wanted that square. no, you didn't. You wanted that in the same way. You look really upset. You look really frustrated. You're feeling mad right now. You're just helping them ⁓ raise their awareness of their internal world. So then they can have more power to regulate, control, do something with it.
You know, yes now the common mistakes we make a lot of times as parents I know I've definitely made these my parents made these as well ⁓ is using punishment instead of curiosity when kids are getting emotional right is almost every time 100 % when you react to the kids emotion rather than pausing yourself ⁓ Raising your own EQ to be curious. That's what curiosity is just like IQ ⁓
someone who's really smart is typically very curious. ⁓ So having the EQ and approaching with curiosity, if you jump right into punishment and actually ⁓ everybody doesn't grow in awareness from that moment. And so that becomes a missed opportunity. you're in, if you remember we've done a podcast on brain states, where you're at in your brain situations, that curiosity comes from ⁓ the prefrontal cortex, the part where you're able to be curious. If you're struggling with curiosity,
You know, if you're in a place of judgment, you're wrong, you need to be punished. You're not in the best part of your brain to solve problems and make a plan and do all the things you want to do with your children when you're raising them. And so when you're in that curious place, you're in that great part of your brain to be able to do this. So it's also just this reminder of, ⁓ I feeling curious or not right now? If I can, I want to try to move into that curious place. mistake I think we make is I think we get really uncomfortable.
with certain types of emotions, you know? Like maybe we'll do this really well when it comes to, you're so happy. Or like, you're so worried or scared. And maybe we're comfortable with those, but the ones a lot of parents struggle with is sadness. ⁓ Like, the kid is crying. ⁓ God, it's not something worth crying about. anger. So sadness or anger, lots of times kind of hit us kind of weird and can be kind of triggering. And so us avoiding those opportunities and just teaching kids,

Kyle Wester (22:45.198)
that certain emotions are okay to express, other ones we don't want to see. Yeah. So you should take a second and go, which one are, which ones are struggles for me? Some people actually don't, don't worry about that. There's nothing to worry about, you know, so figure out which ones are your trouble spots. And you know, just, it's a good awareness that that's probably going to, whenever your child has that feeling, it's, it's going to be harder for you to manage and navigate that. all have them. Another mistake I think we do sometimes is we rush straight to logic or solutions.
And I guarantee you there's a lot of moms or women or wives here listening saying, yes, I have experienced that because in just a stereotypical way, you see that a lot in marriage counseling ⁓ that ⁓ the woman, the wife is coming to their husband or to the guy and telling them about their problems and immediately he's jumping to logic or solutions. And that's not what they were wanting. ⁓ Yeah. Cause we want to help our kids. And you're thinking, ⁓ I know this cause we're, you know,
We're so old and we have so much life experience and you know, so you think I know what to do here. So you start giving your kid these solutions, fixing their problem and that's just not what's needed. ⁓ You've got to wait for that. And sometimes honestly, kids never want that. ⁓ They never, especially a teenager, isn't going to come back around ever wanting that. So we might as well just get really, really good at understanding the feeling and hearing.
and the story and going through that part. Cause that's the part that's really needed. A lot of times they actually even know the answer. You know, they just have, they're just stuck in this other spot. And you know what I've done, Sarah, that helps me is sometimes, ⁓ I've got such a great solution and I really want to share it, but I'll say to our kids, do you want me just to listen right now? Or do you want, do you want me to help solve this problem? ⁓
almost 100 % say, just want you to listen. Just straight up. And so that really helps me because lots of I have this great solution. I can't wait to share it. But then when I, when I asked them what they want, then I just, I'm able to pull it back and just hold onto that solution for another time. You know, I think the fourth mistake that we make a lot of times is ⁓ shaming or minimizing their emotions. You know, I mean, going back to that crying one, I know I've thought that many times of like,

Kyle Wester (24:53.518)
that is not worth crying about, you know, and immediately jumping into judgment about it and telling them that they shouldn't be feeling that way. Right. And it's, it's, it might even be, maybe the feeling is much bigger than it needs to be, but that's not for me to decide. Right. It's not. You don't know the whole thing going on in their heads. Yes. And you're probably saying that because maybe that's what was said to you. That's what you tell yourself, you know, but yeah. Well, I'm even thinking about the time that we were out at the lake one time and we saw a
two boys playing on like a lily pad thing. The bigger boy was pushing his little brother around and we're just observing this going, no, I think I know where this is going to go. And as the, as the little boy kept saying, dad, he keeps pushing me dad. The dad's response was stop your whining. If you can't handle it, then you need to get off of it. You know? And then the boy's like, okay, he keeps it. And the big brother now is like empowered. He just keeps shoving him even more. And then when the boy asked for help, the dad's like, you're off, get off.
And so he made him get off of the lily pad, go sit down on the beach, and then the dad got on the lily pad and then he's like wrestling the big brother. And it was almost like, like almost like flaunting, almost making fun of it that he couldn't handle it, even though the big brother was like almost twice his size, you know? And that was a moment of there, that kid is not gonna see that as an opportunity to become more emotionally intelligent. He was being taught to just stuff it, to not voice his emotions. ⁓
Okay, so what I want to do now is kind of this fun thing, Sarah, where we've kind of pitched this idea of emotional intelligence is a great thing to leave as a legacy for our kids, right? ⁓ But we have this fantastic list that we've put together the 15 benefits, the 15 outcomes. Yeah, ⁓ it's I mean, my mind, I think of it, these are 15 things that you want to
practice and I literally put them up and I occasionally read one or read a few of them and focus on them for the day of, I want to practice these traits today. And so if we're practicing these traits, ⁓ it will help us as a family.

Kyle Wester (26:56.078)
be more emotionally intelligent, right? Okay, so we wanna go through them. We'll do 15, okay? So we won't spend a lot of time on each of these. But if you want the list yourself, we're gonna include this list in the show notes of this podcast episode and just real short print it out, put it up on your fridge. It's just a one pager. Yeah, talk it over with your spouse, show it to the kids. It's really fun. It's almost like an assessment tool too, I think for me. I look and go, how emotionally intelligent am I? How many of these 15 can I actually do?
⁓ Okay, the first one is ⁓ stay calm under pressure and model regulation instead of reacting, right? So we've kind of talked a little bit about that. Yeah. So the ability to stay calm under pressure. I would love that. I want to be calm under pressure. Number two, ⁓ listen to truly understand
not just to answer and fix the problem. Right. And we just touched on that one too. Yep. once again, listen, listen, listen, that is one that's hard. got to practice it. It is. And honestly, ⁓ at the end of the day, if you're going to choose one or the other, if you err on the side of listening, that's going to be the better thing. Just focus on listening. Number three, ⁓ set boundaries with kindness and confidence, ⁓ not with guilt and shame. Yeah. Yeah. ⁓ yeah. Cause like,
Oh, I'd be so happy if you did this or I'm going to be disappointed if you, you know, take one more bite or whatever it might be. Don't add that guilt and shame. think this is one we're still working on. Cause sometimes it's in your face. Yes, it is. know. if you've swallowed the words, it still comes off in your face. So yeah, we're working on it. So number four, know when to pause and care for themselves before overwhelm hits.
You remember like that goes back to being able to like slow it down and be able to do something to help yourself before it all overwhelms you to blow up. Yep. So yeah. And that's that kind of, you know, self care, but it's knowing your limits and not having judgment on that. I need some rest because a lot of times we'll be like, well, I just need to push through. No, we actually want to know where we're at, keep ourselves in a healthy space so we can model that to our kids.

Kyle Wester (29:5.262)
This is number five choose a thoughtful response over a quick emotional reaction Go ahead. Don't be afraid to pause. Think about what you're gonna say. This is not an emergency space. Yeah, and then Wouldn't we love everybody who talks to us to do it. I know you would love that Where everybody pause for a second and gave a thoughtful response instead of a big emotional reaction, okay And once again, that's actually what we want our kids to do with us, too, right?
You know, but they're watching us. If we're not doing it, then they're not going to be able to do it. Right. Number six, let go of grudges to protect their peace and energy. I mean, this goes back a lot to forgiveness and the ability to let go of hurt. we're talking on the side of you're not saying it's okay. I think we all know this. We're not saying it's okay. There's something about releasing it because it is taking down your health. I mean, they know this. I think everyone's heard this.
If you're holding on to stuff, is affecting you. Forget the other person, it's affecting you. So get some counseling, do your work to be able to let things go. Cause otherwise they're just dragging behind you your whole life. number seven, this is a big one for us, man. The teacher kids trust their inner compass ⁓ more than outside approval. You know, too many kids are being raised to be people pleasers and therefore they're much more aware of how somebody's happy or disappointed with them.
then they are actually listening to themselves. And we really want kids who know themselves and are able to ⁓ pursue those things that ⁓ they enjoy that are gonna really help them be successful in This is an example ⁓ for us a real easy one is roller coasters. ⁓ know, we have some kids who aren't afraid, love them, think they're a blast. Other kids might be nervous.
And regardless of how much we like, this is safe. my goodness. Look at the size of that roller coaster. It's fine. You don't, we don't want to, we don't say that, you know, it's like, what is your body telling you want them to tune into themselves? Cause these little things like a roller coaster or hugging grandma or whatever it might be. ⁓ You want that voice, you want them to be aware of it. And you want to be able to talk to them about it, not to convince them to feel different, but to be able to listen to that inner voice and have dialogue with it, not shut it down, not ignore it.

Kyle Wester (31:16.544)
not go, well, regardless of how I'm feeling, I don't want dad to be mad, so I will. ⁓ Well, and all that's gonna help them with peer pressure. Yeah. When it comes to being tempted to do substances or do other things that are just tempting and dangerous and unhealthy. And if they know that inner compass, they're more likely to say no to those things. Yeah, they're not responsible for other people's feelings. ⁓ nine, number eight is lean into ⁓ hard feelings, knowing growth is on the other side. ⁓
not being scared of those hard feelings. ⁓ They're not going to be like, no, I don't want to talk about that, but they're able to have these conversations that are difficult because they know on the other side is growth and health. Yep. You can handle this. Okay. Number nine is sense the emotional tone of a room ⁓ and respond with intention. So being more aware of what is the tone here?
Right? Is this the, how many times have your kids done that where they haven't recognized the tone and they, you're like, read the room, dude. And they say room, you know, we say room in this thing, but I almost, if you imagine this, like on a play date ⁓ or something, you know, where you see one kid is not reading ⁓ what the other kid is saying with their non-verbals. want kids have to kind of learn that skill. If you're talking and the person's not really listening or they're done playing with that or
whatever it might be. Yeah, that's good. You want children to kind of be aware of that and grow in that skill of what's happening in the other person. Yeah. Not just what's happening in me in this moment. Yeah. But what's happening with the other person? That's really good. Not to take responsibility, but to be aware. Number 10, focus on solutions, not blame when things get hard. How often does that happen in homes where we're all pointing fingers and giving responsibility to other people as opposed to be able to
calm it down, regulate it, and then now how do we solve this problem rather than just say who's at fault? Number 11 is handle conflict calmly, clearly, and directly. mean, come on now. If that's the only benefit to all the listeners, that would be great, wouldn't it? If as a couple, if we did that, if all the kids did that on a consistent basis, wow, that would be a great home, right? Number 12, recognize burnout signs early and take steps to recover.

Kyle Wester (33:30.542)
⁓ I mean, that's a big sign for adults. mean, how many of us don't recognize, you know, we don't recognize those until it's too late. Yes. And then we're ⁓ having a big breakdown, right? But to be able to be aware of that internally and say, I think I need to slow down or I think I need to take a different path. ⁓ Kids get burnout too. ⁓ mean, I think it's like we think of as an adult world. ⁓ I think there's a lot more awareness of that with kids with all their extracurriculars, with school, with all the pressures, even the social pressures happening. But
Be aware of that for your kid help them be aware of when they kids might truly need a break. Yeah, that's good Listen to them when they say they do right? Yeah number 13 identify and name emotions clearly in themselves and others We've kind of upon that number 14 balance emotions with reason to make wise decisions I love that Sarah because I think so often people feel like when you talk about EQ. It's like you're getting rid of IQ You're not getting rid of IQ actually EQ will help IQ. I mean how many smart people
have you run into who their emotional intelligence is like in the tanker. And so you see they have no ability, like they really, I know I've counseled some of them, but they're very smart, but they struggle with dating. They struggle with like those kinds of social, so they're kind of awkward because their IQ is somehow outweighing that. We wanna have kids who are good at both, right? They don't need to be geniuses, but to be able to be like really tap into their, ⁓ the most intelligence they have while also balancing it out by being able to,
you know, regulate themselves, get to the prefrontal cortex, not let their emotions just take over and then be able to like look at it clearly and look at it, think about it and feel it. That's going to come to the best decision. Yeah. You'll notice in couples, there's a lot of judgment about this. A lot of times one person will be more on the logic side. They just think and they're almost dead to their feelings. And then maybe the other part partner is super emotional ⁓ and,
you know, that's kind of what we're talking about. It's the balance of your feelings about something are very important. You can also include thoughts about it, but you don't want to exclude the feelings. tend to err on one side or the other. want to bring them both together. it tends to be judgment over once. is. Yeah. It's like, Oh, feelings are bad or thinking, you know, ignoring my feeling the 15th trait that we've put down here is build trust by showing up consistently and following through. Once again, a fantastic skill.

Kyle Wester (35:50.050)
we all want our kids to have, right? Is for them to show up consistently and follow through with what they're saying. But that's a big part of EQ. So these 15 that we've put together, right? You can access them by just going to the show notes and you can print them out. And like I said, have a great time with this, like print it out. This isn't about, ⁓ we only have three, we suck. That's not the point. I know when we printed out, it was kind of fun to go through with the kids and for them to even talk about which ones they feel like they're good at or that we're good at or whatever ones that we want to grow and just CMS skills.
Everybody listening can acquire these 15 ⁓ as they take those steps we earlier identified about being more aware of what's happening internally, being able to communicate that. And it really is going to help raise kids that are more courageous, more resilient, more thoughtful, all those kinds of things that we want our kids to have. Yep. Just something, just keep them in front of us so that we can keep growing. Right? That's what we're doing.
Yeah. So, so just, these are little small steps. So we hope that was very helpful to you to kind of expand your understanding of EQ ⁓ and to really give you thoughtful, intentional steps you could be taking right after this podcast to start implementing that in your family and definitely shared the PDF with your friends, tell them about it because man, this world needs people with better EQs. Sometimes we just are around people who just don't seem to have it all. I don't think that's even what people say when no one, people don't have common sense these days. It's almost like
the common sense aspect is typically related to some of that EQ. The ability to read the room, to read the other person, be, you So we really hope these kinds of resources will help you and other people you know. And we thank you so much for listening. if you haven't already, take a moment to pause and to please leave a comment. ⁓ Rate the podcast. That very much helps us be seen by other people. And then we hope you have a wonderful day. Enjoying your summer.