Episode 146

Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle. Hi there, I'm Sara. And Sara, today we're gonna talk about what, the third part of our Four Core series? Yeah, yeah, the four things that made a big impact in our parenting, the foundation we go back I noticed you switched it to four things. Are you not a fan of the Four Core? No, I do like the Core Four. Okay. Core Four. you turned it around. That's great. I said Four Core. Core Four. sounds better, Core Four.

 

Okay, I like that. Okay, so if you haven't yet jumped in and you're just not hearing this for the first time going, what are they talking about? Well, a few episodes back, if you go back and look at the beginning of the year, we started with this series where we're talking about these main core four ideas and principles that we think are really important when it comes to raising kids. And really that's why with the art of raising humans, this isn't about us saying, follow this perfect script that we're doing.

 

You know, the goal here isn't to get it perfect. The goal isn't for you to do it just like us, but it is to help you be able to take this thing called parenting and really be creative in achieving the goals you want to have in your family. And that may at times look a little different than how we might do it. It allows room for whatever your personality is and whatever your, you know, the personalities of your children, who they are, how they are. We know that's all different. So it's a foundation that anyone can operate from.

 

whether you have neurodivergent children, kids with autism, ADHD, whether you have kids with big emotions, kids that are more withdrawn, these four core or core four ideas will help you with any aged kid with any issues. Okay. So, so the first two that we've already talked about, we've already talked about in the first one was about the importance of interpersonal neurobiology, this understanding of the brain.

 

and the brain states. So we, we, we put a lot of info there, added some pictures there that you can access on that episode. And then the second one was the difference between emotion based parenting and behavior based parenting. Yeah. I think that one really helps you understand where we're coming from, where, know, be like, yeah, but what do I do? You know, what do I do to the kid that that kind of helps with that whole conversation? it's more of an inward out model rather than the outward in.

 

So I'm understanding kind of where I'm at in my brain and understanding like the way I'm perceiving this behavior right now is because of where I'm at and where they're at. And then now I can now parent from the inside out. I can really kind of look past the behavior and yes, we want the behavior to change, but the best way to get long, sustainable, effective change is to really speak to what's happening inward in the key. Yeah. So it's not dismissing the behavior, but it's saying you're going to be more successful in that endeavor.

 

If you address the inside. So, that's, there's all kinds of science about that. had big long conversation about it, but that's the starting place. You've got to start with the inside because you can only modify external things for so long. so Sara, on this third one, before we dive into it, I want to make sure you guys know where to find us, you know, that we are on YouTube. If you want to see us doing the podcast on video, sometimes that that's fun. but also we'd love to have you go join the communities we have on Facebook, Instagram, and tick talk.

 

We specifically, we're almost at a hundred thousand now on Facebook, which is great and exciting, but we really like to grow our Instagram and TikTok accounts. That's our new endeavor. Yeah. So jump on there with us because what we're doing on those is we're always adding more content connected to these podcasts. So maybe you're hearing something that you like, but then you want to visually see it. So we're trying to dive a little deeper or make a little, a different way of understanding it or seeing it that may help kind of open your mind to what we're trying to communicate. Right. Okay. So

 

On this third step, now that this is something that is very fundamental to anybody that comes to seek help from us in Tulsa, where we're at, but also throughout the world, anybody who's looking for coaching. One of the key fundamental ideas and concepts and even perspectives that we really want to make sure we're starting with is that we believe strongly in a parent first approach. Yeah. What does that mean, Sara? Okay. So.

 

And sure, it means it starts with us. And I think a lot of people go, well, I I kind of kind of know that, but I love this one because it's so empowering. I love that it said, cause sometimes we feel we're at the mercy of who our kid is. Well, I just have that strong will child. I just have my child is this or that. And so we feel like we're always trying to dance around or like, what do I do? You know,

 

And this kind of lets you know that you are empowered in this situation that you're not, not out of control. It actually lets you know the power you have in the situation. And, along with that, I want to take a little detour to guilt and shame. Cause along with that you go, well, I mean, it's all my fault. All the blame's on you. I'm a terrible parent. I've messed it all up and we go there cause we love our kids so much. And so that's our automatic.

 

I've really messed this up. If things are hard right now, it's all my fault. And I just love touching that and saying, okay, we're all there with you. We all have messed up and we've all done great things. And to sit in that shame that I've really messed things up isn't going to help you. So if you're, if that's a really hard place, get some help, talk to people, talk to other parents, cause we've all been there. We've all messed up in big ways and small ways.

 

But then turn that shift that the guilt can be a great motivator, right? And not in a bad way. There's all kinds of conversations. I want to jump into Brene Brown, but, but it's like, no, okay. So here, maybe I've messed something up, but look, I can learn and grow. I'm human. That's what we love about the art of raising humans because what it is, is embracing the humanity that we all share. I am, I am not perfect. My child is not perfect.

 

and we get to grow and learn together. Yeah. What I think that's so important because there's so many times that we don't want to do the parent first approach because the shame seems to block us from doing that. yeah. You know, feel, yeah, you feel so bad about how many times you've messed up. it becomes easier to blame the kid and tell the kid to change, you know, and

 

And I think that's the first barrier. That's why we emphasize this so much is I've got to let go of that shame that nobody's expecting you to do it perfect. I actually would think it'd be gross if you did, because I think you're probably just lying. So I want to, we try to do our best to be very open and vulnerable about the mistakes we make on a daily basis. Like we make mistakes on a daily basis because we don't want our kids to think the goal is to be perfect. That mom and dad have it all the way. We perfect parent all that we don't.

 

And so when we're helping parents and coaching them, we want to spend some time dispelling that shame and saying, hey, it does start with you, but this isn't about pointing a finger and blaming and saying who's at fault. It's actually saying, do you know who has the most power to change this? It is you. And that's exciting. it is. is. So once you can kind of shift it with the shame piece,

 

It actually is exciting. It actually is this place of, wow, I can create this family. I have this dream. I love my children. I want a great relationship with them. And look, I can do something about that. Yeah. Yeah. And so I remember, Sara, even with the kids or babies, specifically when I felt the most incompetent, the most helpless, I didn't know.

 

how I was going to do this stuff with these little babies. And so there was many times where our oldest specifically, we'd have a hard time breathing, not breathing, but sleeping, have a hard time sleeping. And I wanted her to sleep so badly. I wanted her really badly just to go to bed so we could sleep. And I remember feeling so powerless and helpless to those issues. And what for me that did, it turned into anger where I'd be like trying to...

 

put her to bed and the whole time being like, do not wake up, do not wake up, do not wake up. And I'd be so mad and then my ankle would pop or something and then she'd wake up and I'd be like, no. And then I'd be mad at myself and mad at my body for making those noises and like, why wouldn't I just, you know. And so all of that stuff felt very helpless. And so when we decided like, this is really important. Like what you see is we have a lot of power to change this. Like in those moments, I was probably making it very difficult for her to go to sleep because I was so tense.

 

and angry and she as a little baby didn't even know it, but she was just feeling it. Yeah. And I think it goes to everything will be perfect with my child. Everything will be perfect. I will have the child who sleeps. Yes. You know, all this idea that if I am a great parent, then everything is going to be perfect and smooth in my home. And that's just not true. There's still, you can be a great parent and things can be messy. Things are messy because we're human.

 

Yeah. And so you can make a ton of mistakes or I mean, I don't, you know, do a really great job and you're still going to have conflict in your home. so it's not the idea of like, if you're the best parent because your baby sleeps or you're the best parent because your child is more cooperative. More. Yeah. doesn't blow up as much. we need to get rid of that idea because we wind up judging ourselves and our children and our situation, our family thinking, well, I'm a really terrible parent because look,

 

My baby doesn't sleep, but yours does. So, so connected to this and maybe another way of saying parent first is this big belief that that we buy into is that change always begins with me. You know, I cannot change my kid. The only person I can change is myself. So it has to start with me is what you'll notice as soon as you start trying to change the kid is you will either get

 

more upset and more your anger will get bigger in attempt to try to like intimidate them to change, or you'll just throw your hands up and become a very permissive parent because you think it's all about power and either I'm controlling the kid or the kid's controlling me. And in this thing, it's understanding that we do have power as parents. Like you and I are very aware of the power we have to inflict harm on them with our words and our actions and our behavior. Creating that inner voice. But also guys, the power we have to shift.

 

a very negative moment into something very beautiful. Even if your kids are 18, it doesn't matter at what point you can shift it. And it's a wonderful thing to embrace that part, the power that you do have. then we also own, there's a responsibility, a weight that comes with that, right? So as much as we try very hard to go, okay, I'm not gonna be perfect. Yeah, we're gonna have days where we feel bad about our mistakes.

 

Yeah, and I think it's I think everybody listening right now, Sara can probably think of a moment where they have done that where they maybe they typically handle decision one way and it always ended a certain way that they didn't like. And maybe where they did do something different. And there was a different outcome that was more positive. Like, we get the luxury of hearing from parents a lot engaging parents all the time, who tell us these stories, right? But Sara, I've had the luxury of seeing this happen in my office, where it's maybe a kid has come

 

The parent has brought the kid to me for help and I'll tell the parent hey I'm gonna meet with you first because I'm a big believer in this parent first approach I want to help you I want to support you Helping your kid and then that starts to change the whole dynamic and then I've been able to see in my office where maybe the React to something that's happening in the parent Responds in a different way and you can see the kid is like what?

 

Why are my parents not yelling at me right now? Why are they just, and until, and then what's really cool, then maybe the parent will leave my office and then I get to just talk to the kid and the kid's blown away that their parent didn't freak out when they said that or asked that question. And it's really cool to see this relief on them. That's what they want. They're wanting the relationship to change, but they don't know how to change it. Yeah. And parents can step in with their power and change the dynamic and change and create and.

 

shape the family. And it's really fun. It's really neat to see. It's something we walk out every day. know, what kind of family are we creating? How are we going to do that? I messed that up. Okay, I need to change it. Because I know it starts with me. I've got to show up regardless of them. I want to show up as what? Who do I want to be regardless of them? And every day, that's my practice. My practice is doing that over and over and I mess up and I try again and I mess up and I try again.

 

So we know tied into this too. So you've got the parent first approach, change starts with us, right? The only person I can make change is me. But then another aspect of this is the most powerful teaching tool that we have with our kids is modeling. Yeah. Yeah. So speak to me about modeling. What is modeling? Okay. Well, if you modeling is I am the person that I'm asking my child to be in short. So

 

Obviously, we've probably all had that boss that that teacher coach parent ourselves maybe that would say do this but then over and over again, you'd see them not do the thing they're telling you. Yes, don't yell at me but then you see them yelling. Clean up your room but then their room space is a mess. so

 

in any area of life, I first start with who am I, who am I asking my child to be, so am I being that? And we know over and over again, you can go Google this, you can find this all over, that we talk and talk and talk and talk and talk, but there's only a small percentage of that that kids really hear and absorb and act from. It's much more what they see happening, they're gonna repeat what they're watching. Yeah, and I think Sara, a lot of us grew up in homes where it was opposite of that.

 

Like literally parents might say to their kids, do as I say, not as I do. And as a kid, I thought that sounded weird. I thought this sounds like a logical fallacy of some sort. It seemed like there was an error in some way of this thinking that there was something disconnected there that didn't sit right, but it was like, that's…

 

That's how parents are. That's how adult world is. As a kid, you're supposed to just do as they say, not as they do, because it's hard to be a parent, right? But then when we hit upon this idea of modeling, you're like, wait, no, no, no, that's actually not what I want in our family. So for some families, this is a big shift of actually like, do what I do. Watch me do this. I want you to do it this way. And in many cases, that's...

 

It's empowering, but it's also very scary because I remember even like this sounds silly, but I remember what our oldest was doing. But there was something about like there was some ants on our back porch and she started like squashing those ants. And I can't remember what she said, but she said something like she was yelling at these ants and was like, get out of here, you stupid ants or something like that. And then I was like, wow, where she getting that from? And then you were like, Kyle, what do you were just saying that the other day when you were stepping on the ants and I was like, no.

 

I don't want this, you know, or another silly one that I know we may have talked before is sometimes I can get into a football game or I can get into a, some kind of sports match and I might, I might yell at the ref. I might think the ref made some bad calls and, then when the kids start doing it, it would then annoy me and I would be like, stop yelling at the ref. Don't it. And you'd be like, you were just yelling at the road. I know, but I don't want them to, I don't want them to. So it's like at times we're conflicted.

 

Because at times, like, I want them to do it. How many times have I shown you how to do this? You should be doing it just like me. But then other times, it seems like they're only learning all the negative things. I know it does. You know? Like, how many times have I responsibly done the dishes? I've been like, why are you not modeling that? Why are you not repeating that? And so it does at times seem like those negative How is it you're picking up on the bad stuff? The stuff I don't want you to model, but you're not doing this other thing. Exactly. But it still holds true, you know?

 

that modeling is the most effective teacher. And I got to see that even in school where you saw kids change a little bit from year to year depending on the teacher they had because that teacher had a lot of influence on them and was either modeling healthy ways of dealing with situations or unhealthy ways. And all of sudden I would have more problems with the kid who was with that teacher because that teacher didn't know how to deal with those things. So you can watch kids and see it. And even just like, a simple way Sara that kind of blows my mind is,

 

the power we have in modeling how our kids walk, how they talk, how they eat, how they sleep. Like all of these things are such powerful things that are going to effectively like shape them for the rest of their lives. Yeah. And you see that all the time. If you want a reader, then your kids, need to read with your kids. Your kids need to see you reading. mean, little things like that too. If you don't like the way your kids are having conflict, you know, pause and go, Hmm.

 

how do I have conflict or how do the other adults in this child's life, how are they handling conflict? If I don't like how they're talking to somebody or me, how am I talking to them? If I'm saying don't yell, but I'm yelling, all those things. Or even things like in a marriage or in a relationship, how are we modeling how to talk to each other as a couple? How are we modeling how to deal with conflict resolution? mean, Sara, there are a lot of times where parents bring kids and they want their kids

 

to not be so aggressive or not cuss or not yell. And then I'll find out that's happening a lot between the couple, right? And it's like, how can that kid not do that? I mean, the kid's seeing it all the time and thinks that's the best way to handle it. Unfortunately, that's what they think when they see it. They may not even like how it's being done, but like, I guess that's how it's done. And their brain, mean, just to kind of jump in on that, their brain is so moldable and shapeable at those young years that they are just like,

 

I want you think of their brains like sponges and they're just soaking up all the things they're seeing. mean, they're they're learning so many new things every second of the day and they're watching you and how to do it. Yeah. Yeah. You're literally the way we act and are in situations is wiring their brain. It's, it's creating the program that they operate from. That's a piece of it. That's hard as a parent. Cause sometimes you're like, man, I know, I know I'm doing this and I'm trying to stop.

 

And I see my child doing that same thing and that's hard. so, I mean, all we can do is say, Hey, we get it. We're there with you and we're all on this journey to go. I mean, it's helpful to just be aware of it. To say, I'm not going to do it perfect, but I realize I am modeling some great things and I'm modeling some things I wish I wasn't because I see it in my child and that's hard. Yeah. Well, I think with that, I got to be conscious first that I'm not perfect.

 

So this is a parent first deal. I'm modeling that even how to accept myself in my own imperfection. to forgive myself when I mess up, how I repair when I mess up, But then also giving grace to them when you can see that they are repeating some of the same habits that you have modeled, you know? And I think that's one of the hardest pieces, you know? Just like I said, how much I would get triggered when I heard them yelling at the TV to the ref.

 

immediately I was mad at them and wanted them to stop doing that because I don't think that's a healthy part of my adulthood. think many times I'm way too much in the game and I know it's not accomplishing anything positive. So I don't want them to repeat that. But similar to like how many parents get triggered by seeing their teenager on the phone too much. When the teenager will tell us when we're working with them, like my parents on the phone all the time, you know? Or in regards to how they yell at each other, like they yell at their siblings.

 

And they're like, well, that's how you talk to me, you know? And so I think we get triggered by that stuff because we do desperately want those things to change. We don't want to pass them on to our kids, but sometimes it's really difficult to change that in us. And it almost seems easier to just try to change it in them. But with more hope for them. But I hope our listeners hear this. It's not going to change that for them until we own it.

 

And like, we're able to like, like, I mean, it's so empowering to a kid to hear you say, you are on the phone too much, but so am I. Yeah. And I want us to get better at that. Or you are way too angry and aggressive, yelling too much. I don't like how you guys talk to each other, but I don't like how I do it either. And so let's do it together.

 

And I hope every listener here, this isn't about like, hey, you have kids, no, you need to go spend two weeks away and come back 100 % healthier. is most of this stuff is just understanding the power lies within you to now model a new way to do that. And many times it is just joining with your kid on that. You know, like I'm even thinking like something simple like

 

chewing fingernails might be a bad habit that you have done, you've modeled and then the kids doing it and you might say, Hey, hey, I know I do that. Let's, let's work together to change that. remember when my dad did that when I was a kid and we both were like, Hey, let's set some challenges, different things that we could do. If you don't chew your fingernails, like, and it was, it was actually kind of fun instead of constantly saying stop chewing your fingernails, but you chew yours. don't care what I do. Stop doing yours. Right. And really, so what it boils down to is, we're not going to be perfect. The biggest goal I, for me,

 

is modeling that we're all imperfect and modeling, growing and learning. I'm just going to grow and learn. I'm on a journey of growth as a human. You're on a journey of growth. Let's do it together. We're growing. give each other grace and we keep growing. One more aspect I want to point out about this, and something that we're also very passionate about is

 

If you're listening to this and you're saying, you have a kid who's feeling anxious or depressed or having conflicts with kids, something that we do in Tulsa. And I would ask you to kind of, whenever you're getting help for your child in therapy or other ways, you're helping with resources in that sense to support them is we really only are going to help that kid through this parent first approach. Meaning that it's, there are a lot of people, a lot of therapists who will just see the kid and they will never hardly even talk to

 

You know, they'll never really even bring you in. I don't believe that's helpful for your kid. I think the thing that's most helpful is to bring you in so the kid sees it isn't just about them, that it's about a relationship that they have with you and that there's things you can learn and grow and change as well. And that's very, that's one that's healthy modeling, but also very encouraging to the kid that you don't think they're the most at, that they're the ones causing all these problems that you realize that.

 

The parent plays a big role in changing this dance that's happening in our family. And I think it's exciting for the parent on the parent side. It can be a little intimidating to think, I've got to go to counseling for my kid. My kid's doing all this stuff. And, I think actually when they get in there, it's so, exciting to know you're being given the tools to, this is what I need to do at home. I can tweak this. if I just do this a little different, it's going to help. It's going to change that.

 

dynamic in that cycle that we just keep circling around and around around. And so I think once they start getting into that, it's actually really rewarding and really exciting to feel like you're getting the missing pieces and able to take that home instead of just hoping that whatever's happening in the room over there is going to make things different at home. You know what's happening. You're part of it. You're able to take it home and implement it. Yeah. Think about it almost in almost a hundred percent of cases. There are some rare cases where there's

 

you little things, maybe you're helping a kid through grief or you're helping a kid through some, you know, way they're dealing with something at school, right? So, but in most cases, it's going to be exponentially helpful to have you come in and learn some skills to help your kid. Because I want you to imagine it's like a dance. It's like in the family, we've been doing a certain type of dance to a certain type of music. Maybe we all are.

 

really good at ballroom dancing and we've been doing ballroom dancing for a while and that's the conflict that keeps arising. So now if the kid goes to therapy and the kids learning a new dance with some new tools and skills, but no one else in the family has ever learned any, it's going to be very difficult to ever successfully change that. You because if he's learning, I know this may be silly example, but he's learning swing dancing and all of sudden like at home a conflict arises and the ballroom dancing music's going, even if he's swing dancing, it's going to be like very strange. But

 

I tell you what, it's actually not as strange if the parent changes that. mean, the kid might be confused for a minute, but it's actually super fun for the kid to go, wow, you're doing something totally different here. Like you seem like you don't believe we have to keep doing the same dance. I'm curious, what are we doing now? And I'm telling you, your kids are hungry for that change. Your kids want to have a deep connected relationship with you. They want to work through these things better, but they don't.

 

feel like they have the power to actually change it. And we lots of times mistakenly give the kid the message that you are the most powerful one to change this. But we don't, but we want to going only you would change, everything would be great in this family. Yeah, the family would be running so smooth if you would stop doing that or change that. So this is the third of four that's very important. And this one is parent first. Modeling is the most powerful teacher. Change begins with us.

 

because the only person I can make change is me. So I would encourage you today to be thinking about this, kind of like spend some time over this next week, really noticing that. Like is in our home, are we doing a parent first approach or are we mostly empowering the kid and saying it's up to the kid to change the bedtime craziness? For our kid to change the morning routine that sucks right now, right? Or how am I empowering myself to go, wait, if I just tweak this or just did that a little different, you know, and I did do that a few weeks ago and it went much better.

 

I want you to be encouraged to know the power to change this is in you. You make all the difference and the kid is wanting you to make that difference. Okay? So just notice those. Maybe take some notes, maybe journal it even, or even try some things. I think that's really fun. Like maybe experiment. Like instead of me typically getting mad about this or doing that particular thing right after school where we tend to have this fighting on the way home from school, whatever it is, just do something different and just notice how

 

It just changes the results just even a little bit, but sometimes it might change the results in a big way. Yeah. Yeah. Just be, just be curious of what do I like? What, what don't I like? What do feel like I'm modeling really well? And then where would I want to switch something up and have fun with it? Kind of, you know, don't take it too serious, but I want to try something different. I'm going to try.

 

You know, instead of when they, when I pick them up, I'm asking a bunch of questions instead. I'm going to Blair some fun music and ride home singing, you know, switch it up, fun and see what happens. Be curious and feel free to explore. Be creative. Okay. So I hope this, uh, this concept was helpful to you and that you really feel empowered to change what's going on in your home. Um, definitely join us on social media. We'll, we'll dive even more on this throughout the week. We'd love to have you on Instagram, Tik TOK and Facebook.

 

YouTube as well. so thank you so much for listening to.

 

Do you ever feel powerless as a parent to change what is going on in your home? Are you sometimes saying, if my kid would just do this differently, then everything would be so much better. Well, I don't believe it works that way. And today we're gonna talk about the third of our core four parenting concepts that we think are pivotal to empowering you to changing your home. And so today we're gonna dive in to that third important

 

that is going to be so crucial for you to create the family that you want to create because it really does lie in your hands. The kids are desperate for you to have that vision and to understand that the power and change starts with you. So I know you're going to really get so much great information from this podcast today. Take a moment if you haven't already to please pause, rate, review the podcast. We love your comments.

 

Even email me at kyle at art of raising humans.com. We'd love to hear feedback about how this is helping you. And if you're saying, man, I'd love to have some help from Kyle and Sara and learn how to change these dynamics in our home, reach out to us. We'd love to see how we could work out to help help your family. Okay. We love helping families all throughout the world be able to create the families that they so desire.