Episode 168

Episode 168 Transcript:

Kyle Wester (35:57.262)
Have you ever been in those moments with your kids where you're having a great day with them and then all of a sudden out of nowhere, a big feeling arises out of one of the kids and it seems to just disrupt the whole moment, if not the whole day, and you're left there wondering what in the world is going on and what can I do about it? Do I just need to hide until the storm is over? Do I need to get big and shut it down? You know, should they be punished for that? All those kind of questions.
and all that kind of confusion that arises within the parent. Well, today we want to address those moments and help those you as a parent with those kids and what to do in those moments. So Sarah and I are going to break those moments down for you today and give you our secret tips to how to handle those moments better that we do on a daily basis with our own kids and with other families that we help coach and kids that we do therapy with. So take a moment today. If you have one of those kids, get ready to get some gold.
⁓ information that's going to help you interact with those kids differently today as they have any kind of big outbursts or big emotions. If you haven't already, please take a moment to pause to like the podcast, comment, leave a review. ⁓ All that kind of feedback really, really helps ⁓ us. It means a lot to us and how we shape the content that we do for you and how we help ⁓ our audience in the future about the different topics and would love to hear that feedback.
You can also email me at Kyle at art of raising humans. If you have some topics you'd like us particularly address, ⁓ or if you're saying I would like some help, I need some coaching on how to do these things better. I'd love to hear from you and get your, your feedback. So take a moment today to sit back and enjoy learning how to help your kids in these crazy stormy moments.
 

Kyle Wester (0:1.486)
Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle. Hi there, I'm Sarah. And we're recording right now during a thunderstorm here in Oklahoma. Yeah, so hopefully our power stays. That's right. If you hear any rumbling, it's not our stomach. We've eaten breakfast, right? And so it's not that, but it definitely might be some thunder, some lightning, all that kind of fun stuff, because we're in Oklahoma during storm season when tornadoes and all that kind of fun stuff.
right? Yeah. And so that actually brings up a great topic, I think, because sometimes... transition. Get ready. Yes, there is a segue here where sometimes in our homes, our kids' feelings can be very stormy, and sometimes they can have gigantic feelings and it can seem like a gigantic tornado. I didn't even think about that perfect timing. It's storming and we're kind of talking about storming. Yes. Yeah, today we wanted to talk about... internal storm. Yeah, we wanted to talk about kids...
getting dysregulated and having those big, big feelings, right? I would say that's probably one of the hardest things for parents to deal with when they have a kid who is ⁓ very emotional ⁓ and ⁓ expressing these big feelings. ⁓ Yeah, yeah. Instinct is, you know, wanna help them feel better, right? We love the happy ⁓ and the calm, but the big ⁓ is uncomfortable.
for most, I think for most people, it's uncomfortable and you want to bring as fast of a resolution as possible. Yeah. Well, and think a lot of people come up and ask us questions about this. You know, this is actually why a lot of people seek out counseling or seek out coaching is because they have a kid who's these feelings are really big. Lots of times they'll say, our first one was just really calm and easy. And then the second one or third one, it's just chaos in the home. And it does feel like a tornado, you know, maybe once a month goes off or once a day goes off.
and it just causes all this havoc and chaos. And so we wanted to spend today specifically talking about that. I know in particular, Sarah, it's a real popular topic in society today. You have people like Dr. Becky, who's really big on talking about big feeling kids. I mean, I did want to address that, that I do think there are kids who definitely maybe are neurodivergent. And what I see that is because of their

Kyle Wester (2:18.190)
Um, they're the way they're made up physiologically and neurologically, it might be harder for them to regulate those big feelings, right? But, but I do want to address this idea that some, some kids, like no kid is born with bigger feelings than other kids. It's more like the majority of kids, um, they, all kids have feelings and some kids, a moat to them in a bigger way, right? They express them in a bigger way. And some kids like,
just aren't that expressive, you know? So it's not like even those quiet kids who seem to be quote unquote easy, it's not like they don't have big feelings, like they have big feelings too. They just don't express them on their face or with how loud they are, right? But they still feel them. Yeah, I actually appreciate you highlighting that because I think...
It's really ⁓ in the world I come from, would have called that externalizing behaviors. So you've got the kid who puts it all out there. If they're mad, they're big, man, it's all out there. ⁓ And, but you have these other kids who they kind of look and they go, Ooh, okay. Nobody likes that. like, I'm going to tuck that away. ⁓ Or they're just wired. They just think. And so to highlight that they do, they feel things deeply and just cause they don't put it all out there. Doesn't mean, cause sometimes we brush over those kids like,
they're fine. They're fine. And sometimes those kids will even tell you, I'm fine. I'm fine. But, ⁓ but it's lost the fact that they actually do have feelings and we get all of our attention focuses on the externalizing. Yes. Cause it's causing the most ⁓ chaos. And it is hard. ⁓ The externalizing is sure. It seems more, want to lose sight of the child who's keeping it. Well, and that's why I want to point that out, Sarah. Cause I think the tips today we're going to give you to help you with that kid with the big emotions.
It's going to help all your kids. you want to practice it with all your kids because the kids who are keeping it inside, you know, I mean, you grow up that affects your health and all that kind of stuff. And so it's important for them to also learn it, even though they're not ⁓ uncomfortable for people, you know, it's like we're uncomfortable with the externalizing. We're not uncomfortable with the quiet kid in the corner. And we need to kind of raise our awareness and also teach them because they do have feelings and they aren't.

Kyle Wester (4:32.128)
sure what to do with them either. Well, if you haven't faced that yet, lots of times, Sarah, the teenagers who come for some therapy with me and meet with me, that's kind of the issue. They've been the quieter kid. They haven't dealt with those emotions. And then as they're going to go off and make these big life choices, they're feeling very overwhelmed, very anxious, and they're shutting down even more.
and the parents are wanting to help them, but they haven't learned those tools or skills yet, how to help the kid regulate that. Cause they assume the kid was just fine. Right. Tuck it away, tuck it away. So, so, so you, everybody listening, if you, you have a kid like this, with this big, big emotions, big expressions of the emotions, ⁓ you know, know what we're talking about. And today, when we give you some tips and some guidance and some help and support on how to help that kid and also help your family, we're also going to come from a parent first approach, meaning that
a big part of helping that kid is helping yourself. ⁓ really is a starts with with you. And it starts with your ability to do these things that we're going to talk to you about about doing with your kids. So if I can't regulate my big feelings, ⁓ I'm definitely a big expressive person, I can ⁓ definitely emote big feelings. If I can't regulate that, I'm not going to be able to help my child regulate theirs. Because that's just how humans work is we play off of each other. Like the kid is going to feel my big feelings.
and it's gonna be almost impossible for them to be able to manage them if I'm not managing mine. Right. And even if you try to hide them or stuff them, that's not actually dealing with them and that still impacts the relationship that is still present. So it's really about how to properly feel and express and move through the feelings, not just stuff them away or shut them down. And ⁓ I love the parent first, you know, we talk about that all the time. It can feel like a lot of pressure. It's not intended for guilt or shame or how you've messed up. It's really, that's where the power is.
As we have been parents, as we've worked with so many families, no matter how hard I try to just work with a child, we came to that same conclusion that the real power is when the parents are equipped, when we've done our work, ah, it makes it all so much greater, so beautiful, wonderful. So that's why we're always putting that out there and telling the parents. Yeah, well, I didn't say that's what we do have some big feeling kids. And I do appreciate the fact that it's their big feelings that have caused me

Kyle Wester (6:48.258)
to get better at managing my own. And I really appreciate that. ⁓ So as we dive into how to help you with this, cause I'm sure you're wanting that information. I want to point you towards YouTube. If you've never seen us on YouTube, Sarah and I videotape all of these podcasts and you can go on there, check us out there. We'd love for you to like and subscribe there on YouTube as well. And just follow us there. If that's the kind of content you would like to watch. So Sarah, let's go ahead and kind of help listeners just kind of understand better how we approach kids like this.
we first come with this understanding of the brain, like what is really realistic for these kids? What's going on in the brain? I know we've talked about this in other podcasts, but many people probably heard about this, is becoming more more prevalent in our society. This understanding that when these kids are little, so this information will start out when they're little, but these tips are gonna help you all the way through the teenage years. But when they are little in particular, I mean, their prefrontal cortex is not even really developing at that point. Like it's there, but it's like not really as online.
and they are in those early years, basically like 18 months to four years old, they're supposed to have these feelings. Like they're supposed to be ⁓ feeling them for the first time. Imagine the first time you felt disappointed or jealous or annoyed. And this is the first time they've ever felt that and how confused they would be, how overwhelmed they would be. And then the very thing that we're wanting them to do, which is to calm down, to regulate, that's all happens in the prefrontal cortex. So really these kids actually need our help.
on how to teach them the skills to manage those big feelings and understand what they're there for. Yeah. Yeah. It's really just that. ⁓ I mean, ⁓ what comes to my mind is the first time maybe when you're older and you date someone and maybe you break up and have a broken heart, ⁓ know, ⁓ and, ⁓ and, ⁓ but you get better at that the first time it's real or the first time you have a big loss and you feel great. ⁓ And it's so
for these little kids like their brain is just not developed. They don't know what to do with these big feelings. Even if it's their block tower fell down, that devastation, that loss, ⁓ they're feeling that in really, really big ways. It's new, it's washing over them and they really need our brain to come along and go, hey, you know, I've been there. ⁓ I can help you through this. It is hard.

Kyle Wester (9:2.398)
Yeah, so so I think first step is understanding where they're at in the brain and understanding a lot of times the things we're asking them or expecting them to do. They're just unable to do without you. You know, so it's not that they can't do it, they can, they just need you there to help guide them through no difference in like asking the kid to go cook your breakfast at two years old. And like the kid can't do that, like they would need your help in even doing simple things like toast or something, right. ⁓ But as they get older, it might look like more complicated activities, but you would
you wouldn't just send them to do that and say, go do that on your own. ⁓ It very much is they, they, and understanding they need your help in doing this. So the second part, Sarah, that I think is big is, is us helping, helping ourselves have a yes brain rather than a no brain and just, we're going to go more into this later in another podcast. But specifically, I know for me, Sarah, when I saw the big feelings that Abby had as a little kid, cause that's really where I was freaking out. I was like, where are these big feelings coming from?
⁓ I had no idea. trained just to shut it down. Yes. So your first instinct was, I know what to do, if anything, was shut it down. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was also trained to get bigger. Like if I could get bigger than her feelings, then it would help her shut that down. That's what I was thinking. That was your technique. So I quickly went to a no brain, meaning like, no, like I need to stop this. I need to resist this ⁓ rather than a yes brain of saying, okay, she needs help with this. So for me, that was a big shift of seeing the big feeling. And it was actually like a
a game changer for me, instead of saying, I need to stuff that, I need to shut that big feeling down. I just need to support and help her managing that feeling. That was a completely different approach. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's, that's really important. I'm excited to talk more about that later. I think, ⁓ it's sort of like, if you leave your child to handle it on their own, ⁓ like you, if you left your two year old to make breakfast on your own, they might manage to get a breakfast, but the pathway there.
I mean, you don't know what they'd what if they find their breakfast and it's just a bowl of ice cream, you know, so it's the same thing. If we leave our kids to handle their emotions on their own, we don't know where they'll land. It could land with I'm so stupid. I'm the worst person ever, you know, so we want to be there because we want to help guide that path and hopefully we're doing the work ourselves so we can guide them down a healthy, helpful path. ⁓ And so we know where they land versus just, you know,

Kyle Wester (11:23.928)
hiding that anger away or whatever it is, ⁓ hurting themselves, all those things when they're just left to struggle with it on their own. We wanna be a part of that so that they get a good breakfast. Yeah, well, and that leads to my third point is these moments are about raising securely attached kids. So there's a lot of science out there about the science of attachment. We really want these kids to not be scared of their emotions, ⁓ to not feel like these emotions are there to hurt them.
or that these motions are something they need to manage on their own, right? These actually these moments where your kids are feeling these big emotions are opportunities to draw closer to them ⁓ and to actually attach more with them. just think in the future, what we want is there's going to be hard things in the future when they're adults or teenagers, and we want their first response not to be I have to deal with this on my own, to be like, I could go to mom and dad and they could help me or I could reach out to that friend and they could help me that they know that these feelings aren't there.
to just overwhelm them and hurt them, but they're there to say, go get help. ⁓ Reach out to somebody, ⁓ ask for their support, wisdom, and that's what you want your kids doing. ⁓ Okay, so then we now switch into that's kinda, we wanna think about the expectation, where ⁓ are they at brain development wise? ⁓ We also wanna think about the attachment piece of it, and then we're also thinking about having that yes brain versus that no brain, okay? So now let's move into specific strategies that we do when we see our kids, especially when they were younger and these,
big emotions showed up that we do or we coach parents to do when their kids are out of control is first it goes back to us right that I have to get good at staying calm and centered. I got to build a model that we know modeling is the most powerful teacher. So if I'm losing my crap and I'm freaking out, you know, just like with the storm today, if a tornado is coming, I'm freaking out. The kids are going to freak out, right? Instead, I need to stay calm and centered so the kids can see what that looks like to be able to manage those motions better.
Yeah, and we've talked about this before, but again, just a reminder that their brain and our brain, they're always communicating, even if it's just walking into a room, your brain, it's instantly assessing situations and we mirror each other. So we want our children, we want to be ⁓ in the space we want to be in so that when they're mirroring us, when their brain is working to mirror us, they might be super mad in that moment, but their brain's already going to start going, wait, where am I going? Where am I going? And you're that guide.

Kyle Wester (13:46.094)
you want to be in that space where they can mirror you and your calm. Yeah. And the goal there is you're going to want to move into co-regulating with the kid. Okay. That even as adults, I mean, know Sarah, there's been times you or I have been upset or scared or worried about something. It's so helpful in our marriage, even to realize like, man, a hug from you or some empathy from you that that helps me co-regulate that emotion instead of me just being left on my own. And that's what we want at a very early age to wire their brain to know how to do that.
Okay, so then the second step would be ⁓ shifting from that no brain into that yes brain approach, right? And how do I know I'm doing that? When I'm in the no brain, Sarah, I'm just thinking, I got to stop this. I'm judging it as like, get over this. This is crazy. Why are you so upset about? It's just a cookie, man, or like just a towel, just build another one. And you'll see, you'll, I'll feel myself do that where I want to minimize their feelings. I want to judge them as right or wrong. And a yes brain is more about curiosity and just like, I wonder what that means to them. Or when how come they're so upset.
and empathy. those would be two factors. Once I'm calm and centered, then I can shift into showing curiosity and empathy. Yeah. Yeah. Instead of, even the fixing anything is just like, shut this down. You know, your teenager comes at you and you're like, that's why, you know, that's, that's not it. When you're with, tell me more about that. Yep. And then the third one would be, I want to start seeing all of these outbursts, whether, like you said, a teenager or a little kid, but specifically you're thinking about a little kid, see all the outbursts is just communication.
So if I can get into that curious, empathetic space, ⁓ then I can look at and say, I wonder what this behavior is telling me about what's going on inside of my kid. ⁓ Yeah. Yeah. I really love that one. Cause it's sort of a, for me, a check. This is if I can have that thought, you know, it re centers me to just think, ⁓ okay. This is what's going on right now. I wonder what they're trying. Let me help them. I want to come along and help them to express themselves, you know, cause sometimes they're just in the mess of the feelings.
but we want that like, let's get the words out. Let's find out what's going on in your body, you know? And so that helps me to stay in that space. Yeah. I remember Sarah on this note, I'm sure every listener is probably has a memory like this, but I remember times there was one time I was feeling sick and I was really not feeling well. And I remember my dad came in and he said something to me and I snapped back at him and a kind of a short tone or whatever. And then he got really mad at me and started lecturing me and I was just in such pain.

Kyle Wester (16:11.840)
I felt really see it so that this this what we're talking about here is that curiosity and that empathy can move us into this more inward out approach rather than this outward in approach. I wish my dad just would have been curious and would ask me what's going on son and then I could have told I feel really bad that I feel is and then my dad could have showed me some comfort or something like that but that's happening a lot of time. I think the physical sickness one is more easily to identify but there's a lot of times our kids are hurting or confused or scared. They have a lot of stress going on especially your teenagers social stress.
as well as school or, you know, there's a lot going on, a lot of pressure. And if you see that behavior is just communication, then you can be curious. And then what that's going to help your kid do is equally be curious too. And they could go, yeah, I wonder why I'm acting this way. Right? Okay. So, so that's something about it. Yeah. And then the fourth one is make sure you're doing repair and you're reconnecting. Okay. So, so in these moments, once you see that,
⁓ We're big fans of doing follow up with the kids afterwards, or if we make mistakes or we blow up at them, make sure we're willing to follow up and own our stuff, right? Sometimes that might look as little as like, I'm sorry for doing X, Y, and Z, but it may look like a little bit more like, hey, I'm sorry, I did this. Will you forgive me for that? You know, those kinds of conversations. Making a plan for next time. Yes. When that situation comes up again. Because basically what that will do is that will, you know, Dr. ⁓ Siegel talks about those
those moments where we explode at each other or moments where we're getting really mad, which we're getting, it's going to happen. I definitely did it quite a bit when our kids were little, I needed to get really good at doing what Dr. Siegel says, taking care of those toxic ruptures, those moments where there's toxicity in the relationship. And so many times parents don't do that extra step of follow-up. They just kind of survive the tornado and get out of there and then they hope it won't come back. But that's the kid wants your help. The kid wants to learn how to do this better. ⁓ And if you've blown up at them,
they want to reconnect with you and they want to repair it. All ⁓ right. Yeah. I think it's very important. have, ⁓ if, it's something you want to dive in, we have other podcasts specifically on those kinds of topics. let's dive into Sarah what to do, man, if it's really like an, ⁓ big, big explosion, you know, like sometimes ⁓ our oldest Abby could definitely have these moments where I'm like, what the crap, ⁓ what is going on? And Sarah, somebody had, when I'm even coaching parents or helping kids,

Kyle Wester (18:35.768)
parents will talk to me about these big explosion and I'll say, how long did that big explosion go on? And they'll say, it was forever. Wasn't it like 15 minutes? And I'm thinking, my gosh, with Abby, sometimes it was like an hour. ⁓ And so I'll be like, okay, okay, this is, this is smaller than what we were dealing with, which helps me understand what they're seeing as a big explosion, right? But sometimes Abby's big feelings would go for quite some time.
and it was draining and it was tiring and it seemed like as a parent, right? Depending on your space and the space you're in, can, it can be tiring. Yeah. Well, and it definitely seemed like it definitely said we're screwing something up. Like this is insane. Whatever. Yeah. Well, especially as we were trying to, I was trying to be more empathetic and curious. It was like, this ain't working, man. Like these feelings are gigantic and they just keep getting going on. So ⁓ here are some simple steps to follow and these aren't magic wands.
They're not like, do and the kids, okay, but these are ways to move towards more healthy interactions in these moments. Because I think when you're measuring success ⁓ as, ⁓ okay, I shut it down real quick. You know, that's not really always the goal. The goal is, they equipped better? Did, did we co-regulate? Did, did I, was I able to stay present in the moment with my child? Did we move through the whole emotion? Yeah. You know, and you will see it change over time.
But I think for both of us, success was, this never happens again, or it lasts for 30 seconds. And we had to ⁓ change what success meant. You know, ⁓ is she a healthy person who can express her feelings and thoughts? And yes, yes, we got there. So much insight and things. ⁓ just make sure you're aware of what your goal is. Because it's going to look different than just the expectation that this is going to shut down immediately. Exactly.
you will get there, you'll get more regulation. It's a different path. And think of it as a skill. the first step that we would do it once we get into that curious, non judgmental place, right, is to be able to name and validate the emotion. Segal calls this name entertainment, right? So the idea is to kind of like what is going on there? Let's let's give it a name. Is it frustration? Are you annoyed? Are you mad? Are you scared? Right? ⁓ Part of that is to help the kid be able to better understand themselves.

Kyle Wester (20:47.980)
but also it's to help that conversation of how are we going to help you right now? Right? Obviously if it's a tornado and the kid feels scared, I'm going to provide safety, right? If it's a, the kid has gotten a bad grade on something and the kid feels sad, that would be very helpful to know that. Right? And so knowing that just naming the emotion, ⁓ I see it no different, Sarah, than like when the kid's a little baby and the baby's getting frustrated and pointing up at something, you would try to name it. What is it the kid's wanting? And then how can the kid,
get that thing right. So you'd say, you want some Cheerios, just say this, right. So when the kids freaking out, you look really disappointed. ⁓ Okay. ⁓ Can I help you with that? Right. So so you want to name it and then we're gonna do some activity to the ⁓ Yeah, I want to say there's something that happens in our brain the moment that we have that connection. When you name it, there's this connection that happens. And there's a PC that goes, ⁓ okay.
I was able to say what that was and maybe you've had the experience of talking to a friend and the friend just gets you and they name it, you know, they're like, Oh, I see blah, blah, blah. And there's this piece of you that just is able to take a deep breath now. And so that's why that naming it, you know, get out your feeling will mean you might have to practice this with your child, but, there's something that happens all by itself.
just in naming what's going on. Yeah, it almost gives you power now to do something about it. So that's why it's really important. want to we don't want to say, oh, you're mad. You know, there's a piece of that that deserves some good attention. Yeah, it takes a moment to figure that out. Right. So just in the moment you're looking at you take a stab at it. Don't worry about getting it wrong. Sometimes correct. Yeah, so if they correct. Yeah, there's so many times I've been helping a kid and I tried to name it because like, that's not it. Like, okay, cool. We're getting now we're actually talking about what it is. Right. So once you name it,
then you can move into connecting and redirecting. So connection, once we understand what the feeling is, then we want to connect with the kid in. So something like I might say is, you seem really anxious, can I help you with that? Or you seem really sad, could I give you a hug, right? You seem really mad, would you like me to help you do some deep breaths and calm down? That helps me, would it help you, right? And so that's a way to connect, maybe through touch, maybe through just being close in your proximity. ⁓

Kyle Wester (22:58.882)
But either way, then the kids not alone in the big fear. Yeah, I like to say I'm with you, ⁓ you know, because sometimes I in the moment I might even feel lost as I'm not. ⁓ I don't want to move too quick into fixing because I can do that. I'm like, I got a solution, you know, so I don't want to stay too long in that. And I want them just to go ahead and let that feeling be there for a moment to know that it's not going to overtake them. They're not going to get lost in it. And so just say, I'm with you. You know, I'm just I'm with you here and just sit there for a And then that's when
as the kid is starting to deescalate, which what we would see in Abby was it was started out as like loud, big muscles were tight, know, definitely like anger, it looked like on the face or big sadness or whatever it was, right? ⁓ You would start to as this is starting, as I felt myself relaxing, and I felt her relaxing, lots of times it definitely would move into tears. And there'd be some kind of crying maybe or definitely some, ⁓ the muscles wouldn't seem as tight, their body seemed more relaxed. And I'd be like, okay, okay, now we're getting some.
Now we're getting somewhere. And that's when I would typically then invite them into doing ⁓ some kind of technique that might help, right? So something that some kids like when they're little is they like blowing bubbles, right? So you might have a thing of bubbles to say, Hey, would you like to go outside and blow some bubbles? ⁓ I might say to our kid, Hey, would you mind? Could we take a walk together? And just like I think that helps my body relax or Hey, do you want to take a moment and do some deep breaths? Maybe we breathe and lots of times I would sit Abby on my
chest or I would sit in my lap and I'd let her feel my chest as I breathe in deeply. Now I want you to know, sometimes Abby was resistant to this. Sometimes she was like, I don't want to do all that. wasn't ready yet. So yeah, it's like, oh, we're not there yet. And that that doesn't show you that the kid really doesn't want to do it. The kid just isn't ready for that. The kid is still in that no mode, that no brain. And so I need to just be able to continue helping them get to that space.
to where then they see these things. think sometimes Abby interpreted as me trying to stop the big feeling. And sometimes I probably did it to try to stop the big feeling, right? And so I need to be conscious. Am I trying to stop it right now? Or am I actually trying to help her? ⁓ But eventually she started to buy into it that these things were there to help. Yeah. And you do them outside. You practice it outside. There's all kinds of really fun, you you want to think moving big muscles and

Kyle Wester (25:16.610)
breath work, and there's lots of ways to do fun things like blowing bubbles or putting up stuff, if they're little, putting a stuffed animal on their stomach. There's a lot of fun activities around those. ⁓ even pushing, pulling, you're thinking big muscles if you have a trampoline or can we push against each other or push against, ⁓ you're wanting to engage the body because the body expresses those feelings. I would say things not to do is
Don't definitely, you don't want to get into the habit of saying, go calm down, go to your room and calm down, right? Like we're trying to avoid the isolation. This is not a moment, and we don't ever really use punishment, but it's not a moment to be punitive and say, go to your room and do, know, all that will do is it sends this message of abandonment. It sends this message of when I'm got big emotions, no one wants to be around me. And the cube will start to internalize that.
that ⁓ their emotions are not safe. Their emotions are scary. Their emotions are something they have to just do on their own. And no one will help me when I have them, right? And we don't want that message at an early age getting in there. We really want them to know that in those moments we are for you. ⁓ And eventually success will be Sarah when they have the big emotions is for them to realize it, for them to be able to name it, for them to tell you what would help them. Like I'm feeling really sad, can I get a hug, right? Or I'm feeling really upset right now, I'd like to go outside and take a walk.
Right? And those kinds of things, I say, can I walk with you? I? ⁓ That's what success eventually looks like to where the feelings coming. They know what it is. They know how to help themselves. That creates resiliency and that just creates a healthier overall perception of themselves. Yeah. Yeah. And just knowing that there's people there for them no matter what they're going through. And so I want to move into that, honey, into the outcomes. Okay. So if this is why we're so passionate about this, okay, is because one, we've experienced the outcomes with our own kids.
and how it helps them when they grow up be able to manage their emotions better. But also we want to be able to like, let you know, just kind of like these are what the outcomes we look for, you know, so not only have we felt them, but we've looked so long-term benefits really back this approach, right? One of them is it creates kids who are more resilient, more curious and more hopeful, which is really beautiful. Kids braised with these types of strategies grow into emotional

Kyle Wester (27:37.204)
⁓ emotionally agile teens and adults, meaning they can kind of flow with it. They don't have to get overwhelmed, controlled by those feelings, but they're able to shift those feelings, just feel them and not let them take them over. They kind of have the confidence to go, this big thing happened. I'm having a big reaction to it. ⁓ I know I can survive this. And in the moment it can feel terrible, but they at least have the hope of, ⁓ have gone through hard things before. ⁓ our resiliency was something that's, that's just super important to me.
to know that I can get through hard things. want my kids to believe they can get through hard things, because we all know that life has plenty of hard moments. And so I love this for how it equips children and humans and everyone to be able to know that, a thing happened. ⁓ This is how I feel. This is I can do about it. I've got people in my corner with me in this moment. I love how you said that too, because that was a big fear of mine in using this approach was.
Well, they need to know they can do hard things. it's like, it looks like we're trying to rescue them. We're not trying to rescue them at all. We're actually doing something I think that's harder, which is actually sitting with them in it and helping them face it. Right. And that leads to the second benefit is it helps kids develop this ability to withstand lifelong, ⁓ have lifelong stress resilience. And when I read that, I was thinking of like trees and we have these beautiful trees in our front lawn. And as storms come, the trees don't try to avoid the storms.
the trees actually learn how to have deeper and deeper roots to withstand the wind and the rain and the thunder and all that kind of stuff, the things that might try to blow them over. And so they're able to withstand those. We want to have kids who have deep, deep roots to withstand the storms of life. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. Okay. And then the third one is it also is, this is a big one. think everybody wants is it reduces behavior problems that actually, when you're able to actually teach your kids how to do this as a young age, because
I know it's kind of an eye-opener to a lot of people, Sarah, that the most commonly expelled age in school of all grades combined is pre-K. And that's because these four-year-olds are just now getting their prefrontal cortex online, and they're still having these big emotions, but they're expected to sit still and learn how to read, right? And like, so- Keep your hands to yourself. Yes. So, you have all these behavior problems because lots of these kids have not learned.

Kyle Wester (29:51.512)
how to manage their big feelings. Yeah, they're very impulsive. The thing is the self control hasn't been developed yet. So you see these very impulsive aggressive behaviors and it's just normal because that's where their brain is at. It hasn't grown enough yet. It's like asking them to reach the top shelf when they're, you know, three feet tall. Yeah. Well, so for sure that the kids, if they learn how to do this, that's where the inside out approach. If you're seeing behavior problems,
it's always starting inward where the kid is getting dysregulated, doesn't know how to manage it, doesn't know how to name it, doesn't know what to do with it. And then the impulsivity, all that kind of stuff tends to come out as aggression. And then that leads to the behavior problem. So lots of times when you're seeing that it's just a dysregulated kid who needs your help, right? ⁓ So in kind of wrapping up this discussion is I want to kind of emphasize these main points that parents are their child's first coach in their emotional life. So think of when your, if your kids are little,
you're the very first person coaching them on what to do with these big feelings. No different than your kids are eventually gonna have an athletic coach or whatever the coach might be, is you're there to help guide them with these big emotions. I was gonna say, for those of you who are starting in your teenage years, like, wow, I think I've done this all wrong, it's not too late. Though, I mean, I would say, wow, it's great if your kids are young and you're starting this. But even if they're teenagers, you're gonna be like, you know what?
think we've done this wrong a little bit and just start talking about it. Just start changing ⁓ that atmosphere in your home and how you approach feelings and frustrations and sadness and start doing it now. Cause it's something some of us didn't even start till we were well into our adult years. Maybe you're one of those parents who's like, ⁓ I think I need to redo this in myself. So it, so it isn't, so just have hope if you're in that place. then number two is your mindset will set the tone. So remember focus on modeling.
Focus on empathy, focus on co-regulation, focus on resilience and trying to help kids be able to get through the hard times and then bounce back from those hard times. ⁓ And then the last one is celebrate progress. You know, that was really something that really kept us going, you know, is moments of calm are wins in the long game. You are playing the long game, not the short one. And all too often,

Kyle Wester (32:3.028)
I was playing the short game and that's why ⁓ these moments with our big feeling kids blew up even more, right? Because I was trying to get it over quickly instead of realizing, wait, if I want to have emotionally regulated teenagers, ⁓ I need to be doing this earlier, right? And so the earlier we can start, the better. Yeah, success for me often felt even just when I stayed with my child, you know, in the big feeling ⁓ and that moment where you, there's this moment where you feel it switch for your child, where it's like, they got it out.
and I'm here with them and I could feel their body change, know, just sort of this deep breath or this, things had shifted if you've ever had that moment. And so for me, just, ⁓ would, that felt like such a big success that I was there with them, that they saw me as present in that big feeling and we hung in there and we got through it and we were on the other side and we were learning and growing. And so even things like that's not, not even just a, you were calm when you could have been upset, but it was.
we successfully went through that feeling. So to me, that was a really, just have that seared in my brain of those moments where I'm like, Yes, I did it. ⁓ No, I'm with you. And that felt really good. Because it really felt like this moment that used to lead to us yelling at each other and pushing each other further away, or feeling like crap as a parent, like I failed you. Instead, when you had that right there, like, wow, this moment that used to scare me, or used to upset me now brought us closer together.
And now I'm so glad we went through that big feeling together and the kid feels the exact same way. Right. ⁓ so I hope all that really helps you with your big feeling kid to give you all the tips, all the ways in which to shift your mindset. I hope you start putting this into practice today after you list and definitely share this with friends who you know are struggling going, what do I do with this kid? I don't know what to do with it. We had this easy kid and now we've got this other kid and like, how do we do it to help kind of expand their understanding of ways in which to approach it.
And we want to thank you so much for joining us today and appreciate ⁓ all your feedback and all your comments. And so, so I hope your summer is going well. And I would love to hear from you about how this helps you with that big feeling kid.