Episode 177

Episode 177 Transcript:

Kyle And Sara Wester (27:5.696)

Mom, I hate you. Have you ever heard that before in your home? I know many parents tell us and complain to us about these hurtful moments and these hurtful words. And it's just so jarring, right? When it happens, when you hear your kids say this and you think, I never wanted my kids to ever talk to me like this. What have we done? And you feel like such a failure. Like you definitely must have done something very wrong to have a kid say something like that to you.Well, Sarah and I wanted to tackle this issue because we hear this a lot. And then we definitely wanted to give you five practical steps to change this dynamic, this pattern, this dance in your family, because it really does not need to be this way. And trust me on this, every kid ⁓ wants it to change. They do not like saying these things to you and it feels horrible. I've talked to them. I've talked to hundreds of kids personally about these types of moments and they will tell me how bad they feel when they do it.and then the parents are hurting and they don't know how to change it. And so we're going to tackle this with you today. And so I hope you are ready to, to learn how to change these. And if it's not a problem in your home, definitely be ready to learn and listen to help other families. And if you've not done it already, please take the time to like, subscribe, comment, rate, review, all that kind of beautiful stuff and whatever you're listening to with this. ⁓ We still continue to want more and more of the feedback about how you're feeling about.the podcast and how it's helping your families. Love it when we get emails ⁓ from people. We've gotten some on Facebook Messenger, all types of how the podcast is helping them. And of course, reach out to us if you would like some parent coaching help as well, because we love to help families be able to come together and create the families that they always dreamed of and hoped for. ⁓ So thank you for listening today and I hope you enjoy the episode.

Kyle And Sara Wester (0:1.262)
Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle. Hi there, I'm Sarah. And Sarah, know, one of the most hurtful things that parents will say, either they're afraid their kid will say to them or they've actually heard their kids say to them is, I hate you. Yes. Such a strong thing to say, right? Yeah, it hurts. It really cuts deep. mean, And I think every parent, I mean, know my goal was for my kids never to say that to me. It was, I never wanted my kids to say it, but we see so many parents that come in for coaching.
and help and they're like, what do I do when my kid says this? And, and, and sometimes it might even be stronger things than that, you know, but I think I hate you as a common one. using that expression, plug in whatever, you know, the similar phrase that maybe has happened in your parenting journey. Well, I think the other one, sometimes we're like that, my kids never going to say that, but what if they said, I hate you, at least we imagine that might happen. You know, and maybe we did even say that to our parents when we were younger or whatever. ⁓
But I think we're always kind of unprepared for that moment. So if you're a parent of a young kid and you've never had it happen, that's great, but it may happen. So we want to give you some skills for that. If you're a parent who's heard it all too often, we want to help show you how to change them. Okay. And I will start with Sarah the first time and the only time so far our kids have ever said that they said it to me, not to you, but our oldest when she was maybe three or four.
I remember something happened. She wanted something from me. I was busy trying to do the dishes. I was in the space of just wanting to get things done. And she asked me for I said, No, we're not doing that. And she just said, I hate you. And as soon as she said that, I'm like, what is happening? ⁓ How did we get to that point? Is this am I become that parent who their kids says that I hate you to them? ⁓ And then I'm then I was just like, What do I do here? And I was so thankful that she ran away from
Because if she had continued to engage me, I might not have had the ability in that moment to regulate myself I might have been too triggered by it. I might have reacted in a big way ⁓ But thank goodness she ran away So that gave me a chance to like I went back to the dishes I was doing it helped me calm myself down and I started like getting a game plan about What is that? What happened there? Like how do I address this and then when she did come back? I was able then to get down on her level and just say

Kyle And Sara Wester (2:17.880)
How come you said that?
And she just was able to say, I was just so mad at you because you wouldn't give me this thing. And I was like, man, I'm so sorry that you were so angry about that. Can I give you a hug? And I gave her hug. And then I did leave it with, and this is kind of humorous, but I did say, you know, honey, like, I don't want to say in that in our house. I don't want anybody saying, I hate you at all. Like you do what it means. It means you wish somebody was dead or so. And she goes, but you say that about the football team. You don't like, ⁓ I was like, ⁓ okay, okay. So let's not say it at all. So from then on, Abby became like,
the hate police where every time I'd be like, Oh, I hate that team. And I'd hear her scream, dad, you don't hate them. You just don't like them. That's true. You're frustrated. That's true. She did. You couldn't say the word hate. Yes. Yes. Turned into something I didn't expect, but it's a good word to get out of our house. Right? We don't need to be saying I hate you about certain football teams, but anyway, but I wanted to talk about, share that story that yes, we have experienced that. Um, so many parents,
you know, tell us about how hurtful it was. Many times they're telling me this, Sarah, when they're in tears about how that affected them when their kids said that. Yeah, it hurts a lot. And so we wanted to kind of start with kind of what, what is it that kids are even saying? Like, why, why do they say these kinds of things? You know, what's, what's underneath it? ⁓ And we know for sure that kids lash out or any human does because they feel disconnected. And those words are really a cry for reconnection. Right. I think that's the
Really great place as a parent to start is just going okay, okay your your child It's they don't they don't have all the words They don't have all the skill sets and and it's a big mess in there and they're overwhelmed with emotion so it I imagine as this big kind of tidal wave coming in and and if you can think of a moment in your life where you have felt just Overwhelmed with an emotion. It could have been anger could have been sadness could be anything and children go through that

Kyle And Sara Wester (4:14.670)
quite a bit because their brain isn't really good ⁓ at organizing and dealing with emotion. So they've got this flood of emotion. They're feeling ⁓ all alone. That disconnection is I'm overwhelmed. I'm alone. And so those are the words that pour out. Yeah. And we know that Sarah, like when you're hearing it,
We want to stop for a second and understand where that's coming from. It's not coming from a place where they feel really good about the relationship, where they feel heard and understood. You don't say that to people in the moment. like, I feel so good with you. It comes from a place of where they're getting overwhelmed with their emotions, right? And it's like they're definitely moving out of their prefrontal cortex. They're moving through their limbic system, the emotional center of their brain down to the brainstem, possibly in the fight or flight.
And so the rational part of the brain just goes offline and they're kind of in a survival state. ⁓ so logic in that moment, it doesn't make any sense, right? So like they're saying something that logically doesn't make sense. They don't actually hate you. And the logic is not accessible. Okay. So it's a, have to remember, ⁓ we could try to pull them in that part of their brain is sleeping at that moment. It's not online. The one that's trying to help them survive the moment is online.
and that I hate you is protective. It's like, I've got to throw this out there because I've got to protect myself from you because you are not feeling like you're on the same team. You're the enemy, the one against them as they move into that protective space and their brain is doing it on autopilot. So if you try to appeal to their logic or something, that's not going to happen. And right now, like you referred to this a little bit ago, but they don't have the language skills in that moment to express the actual frustration or sadness or fear.
that they're experiencing. So I hate you just comes out almost like out of nowhere. it might even be because they heard somebody say it. They might have seen it on a show or something like that, right? Their brain just goes back to it. They're not actually thinking about it. easy to access that lash out, you know, where it's like, right now I'm kind of feeling, you know, that we struggle with as adults, kids, those skills are barely there. And I think underneath it, this may be a subconscious thing, not even a conscious thing, but they may be wondering, will you still love me?

Kyle And Sara Wester (6:27.106)
when I'm at my worst. ⁓ Will you still love me when I say something really ugly like this? ⁓ like I said, it may be completely unconscious. Something in them is saying, I think there is a limit to how far your love will go. Yeah, that's what they're feeling. It's kind of like they're giving language to it because they're feeling you're opposed to them, which is a threat to their love. They're like, wait a second. I don't think you love me right now. ⁓ And so what are you going to feel? If ⁓ you're feeling like someone is against you and they don't love you,
You know, so, so that whole kind of rises up inside of them where they're going, wait, I don't think you love me. I mean, look at this. mean, and I'm going to test this because they kind of have this working theory. So it's not conscious, but they go through these motions. Their brain is on wait a second. We're not safe here. We're not loved here. This is not good. We've got to protect ourselves. I'm going to attack you. Right. And so that's kind of that section. There's just kind of explain why a kid might say it right. Like hurting people.
hurtful things. So in that moment, the kid is hurt, the kid is overwhelmed, the kid is confused, the kid is trying to protect themselves by being aggressive and mad saying these kinds of things. So then we want to talk now kind of the trap we see parents fall into. And like I said, I even did in that moment with Abby is first of all, the very first thing is we take it personal. ⁓ We feel rejected or quote unquote, disrespected. And I'll hear that a lot when parents are telling me about it. So that rejection and disrespect
triggers them and and they really begin to take it personal as if the kid like why would my kids say they've what I haven't been that bad of a parent they start to go down that right right I mean because because in the same way suddenly we're actually struggling to stay in our prefrontal cortex because now we feel threatened almost like the mirror neurons say you attack me I gotta attack you you know and and you're questioning my parenting you're questioning my love you're questioning who I am and and it puts us on the defensive right so instead of being in that other part of
we start shifting down in our brain and also feeling the attacks. So then we're going to attack back or feel defensive. And, and honestly, it just really hurts because when you're a parent, your heart is out there on your sleeve. And this very, very important person you've poured everything into, it means so much to you is now telling you they hate. mean, that's the deepest. Hey, it's so hurtful. And the jump on what you're saying is when we do that, when we react with anger, shame,

Kyle And Sara Wester (8:52.174)
pulling away, you what I hear from kids is like in that moment, their hurt was about them. ⁓ And then all of a sudden we make it about us. ⁓ And now the moment isn't, wow, you were hurting so bad. said that it was, but look how much hurt you caused me. And now the kids, I never wanted to do that. I'm just like, I'm, it's almost like a kid being sick and vomiting on you and you saying, look what your vomit did to my shirt. The kids like, I didn't want to do that to your shirt. just was.
trying to get this sickness out. And we do send the message our love is conditional. that's what I was going to say. It unintentionally teaches the kids that our love might be conditional. But these are the moments when they actually need to know our love is steady. I mean, it's so easy. I tell people that's all times. It's so easy to love our kids when they are lovely. That's easy. Anybody can do that. Like loving somebody even in a marriage is when we're not being all that lovely, right? Is that's the real test of love? Yeah.
Can I love my kid, you know, like when they're a baby, when they've pooped and it stinks real bad, right? But then when they grow up, can I love them when they say hurtful things? Can I still, and the kid needs to know that because someday they're gonna need to love themselves even when they're not acting appropriately, you know? Yeah, yeah, cause you have to remember when they're saying that, their brain is in the place of I am not loved. And so when we do that thing, then we're like, yup, love is conditional. You're ugly right now, so yeah, I'm not loving you.
And they need the opposite when someone's saying, you love me? Even though they're not asking that, saying, I hate you. They're saying, do you love me? Then we need to love them. We need to send even more love in the midst of their very messy place. And we've all been very messy. I love to just think through moments in my own life when I've been messy and someone has extended me love, what has that done for me? So how can I extend love to my child when they're messy?
Well, and I know this sounds really hard to do, but in the midst of a kid saying, I hate you, it actually has nothing to do with you. Yeah. So it has nothing to do with you. And I like to put on my whiteboard when I'm helping coach parents, I like to put my whiteboard, their thoughts, their words, their actions, their feelings, tell me about them, not about me. So when they're saying, I hate you, I know it's hard, but I got to differentiate what's about me and what's about them. Their words are about them.

Kyle And Sara Wester (11:16.366)
And I need to know lots of times it's because they hate themselves, right? They might be feeling that for themselves and they're just trying to connect with you by saying, I hate you. You know? And so I know that's kind of, kind of deep, but it is important to stop and understand that. Um, so here, here's what I hate. You could really mean is, um, it could translate this. This is a few ideas. I'd love to hear your thoughts, Sarah, but one is I feel powerless, you know? So I'm trying to get power in this moment by saying something that is powerful, right? I'm scared. You don't understand me.
or that I'll lose you. ⁓ like it seems weird, but this is how humans do it. I'm gonna push you away. ⁓ know, like I'm almost, as I'm saying this, I'm remembering the movie Old Yeller. I don't think you like it at all, but as a kid it was very impactful. But with the kid, the dog has rabies and he's gonna have to like put the dog down and he's like saying, hate you. hate you to the dogs. Like he's like giving really, but he's trying to push. It's actually, I know it's weird to hear that, but.
⁓ The kid is saying this because the kid is so scared of losing you the kid is saying fine I'll push you away before you actually push me away And the last one is I don't have the words to say how frustrating so I don't have the words to say how hurt I am I don't have the words to say how scared I am so these words seem to be the best way to convey Yeah, cuz they don't they know those those kinds of I mean this hard for grown-ups, you know, so kids don't they can't
I've got calm myself down, think about what I'm really feeling, have that insight, share it with you, be vulnerable, take the risk of sharing it with you when you're such an important person. I mean, that's incredibly hard. We as parents need to come alongside and open up that space and create that space. But when they're even searching to have the maturity ⁓ to get that insight. ⁓ Yeah. Yeah. So a good way to reframe this moment ⁓ is your child isn't rejecting you. They're just overwhelmed.
and reaching for the strongest words they know. They're trying in that moment to feel powerful. They're trying to express something and it may be gross and sloppy how they're expressing it. But I'm telling you, if you can see that, then they're gonna be more open and receptive to you telling them a better way to do it. ⁓ And like, mean, just like in our marriage, if I say something in a mean, hurtful way and Sarah immediately jumps on that and starts hurting me back, no one thinks that's gonna help the marriage, you know? But it's your ability to see past it and then, ⁓

Kyle And Sara Wester (13:34.644)
you know, understand in a moment I'm hurting or I'm dealing with something and then you can tell me how you'd rather me express that and I'm gonna be much more open and receptive to you. Yeah. Okay, so here's five steps for you to take. So if you're dealing with this at home, get ready, we're gonna be five steps to change this dance, because really you can't change it. We don't want anybody in this, you know, listening to us or any family to go through a consistent daily, weekly, monthly thing where your kid is saying I hate you or calling you stupid or all that.
And there are things that we do as parents that either make that less likely to happen or more likely to happen. And so we want to give you five steps to change that dance to where this isn't happening. Cause I'm telling you, Sarah, every kid I talk to you, know many kids you just talked to with as well, who when they do this, they feel really bad. You they feel a lot of shame about how they, and they start to think I'm a bad kid. Like I'm a horrible person that I talked to my parents this way. And many, sometimes it's because of way the parents react and they say those things, but it's also whether you say it not, they still feel.
And that actually makes it more likely they'll keep doing it. So we want to change that. In moment, anger feels really protective for anybody, children included. So you have that anger to protect you, but then later that shame will come in, that guilt will come in. And it's just not always the messages they get about themselves if it's not repaired. And really, it's a skill they need to learn. What do I do when I feel that bad? And so they're learning a skill, but then to say,
also we parents are learning this skill. You know, so we're both growing together. want them to learn what to do when they have those big feelings. And we as parents need to learn how to support our child in that moment. When you're saying that I'm thinking of people who are driving and getting mad in traffic and they're yelling at people, you know, thinking bad thoughts about them and yelling at them and saying hurtful things possibly that they can and maybe like the same steps that we're going to say.
could help with that too, you know, in a sense of ⁓ us connecting to the kid and understanding that the kid in that moment feels like we've cut them off, you know, that they're going a direction and we've just like totally got in front of them. ⁓ And we're not even saying I'm sorry. We're not giving the wave back. Hey dude, sorry about that. And now what a jerk. Why are you driving like that? You know, and you'll see grown adults who are really smart, professional people, they will lose their minds and they're like flipping people off and they're doing.

Kyle And Sara Wester (15:52.182)
And these aren't idiots who are doing these are people who are smart. But in that moment, they're losing their ability to have power to change the situation. They're missing power. They feel out of control. They feel like they don't matter. They definitely feel like there's no relationship, right? Because they don't have a relationship. know, but they're feeling all those things. And so we got to remember that the power that control the relationship, something in that area is going on. Yeah.
Okay, so number one, first step, of course, is we've got to regulate ourselves first, okay? When the kid says, I hate you, immediately we're triggered. I know I felt that. I needed to pause, ⁓ take a deep breath, and steady my own emotions. If I want the kid to be able to regulate theirs, I've got to regulate mine, and I've got to get control of myself. You can't calm the storm in the kid if you're currently in one. Yeah, so just to revisit that mirror neuron thing,
If we're in a calm place, will help your child. you, I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do in this moment, you know, at first it can really throw you as a parent. It comes as this big shock, but if all you can do is like, this is not an emergency, the most important thing I can do is calm down. You'll automatically be on the right path to helping them calm down too, because their brain goes, oh wait, this other person's calm. And it starts the process inside of them. I'm not saying it's just a switch. all of sudden, calm child.
but it moves if you're either going to dial up the intensity or you're gonna start dialing it down, something's gonna happen. And so that will start the calming process for everybody. If ⁓ nothing else, ⁓ just work on yourself. And if that's all you can do right then, that's okay. We don't need to jump in with everything. We're feeling lost. And just work with pausing, just pause. Yeah. Don't react, just pause. Take that deep breath.
Give it a moment to breathe. ⁓ And I think even, I was thinking about traffic again, thinking about, even that's how you might diffuse a situation where you're upset at somebody or someone's upset at you, you would want to pause, take a deep breath and just start diffusing it. Number two would be to name the feeling. So first you're gonna regulate yourself to name the feeling. What does that look like? You might say something like, ⁓ you are really angry with me right now. ⁓ You seem really mad at me right now. Or you seem like you're really hurting right now. ⁓

Kyle And Sara Wester (18:9.356)
those kind of statements, if you could take a moment to pause, get out of yourself, try to get into their space, ⁓ recognize what it might be, or you're really sad right now, or you're really disappointed. Whatever that feeling is, if you can name that, that's gonna be a great way to connect with the kids, and now the kid no longer feels alone with you. Yeah, the child, the other person in any situation, but in this case, a child needs to feel understood. So think about what they're needing, what they're wanting, where they might be feeling out of control, maybe they're mad, you know, like you were saying.
But the more we can let them know that I see you, I am hearing you, I am monitoring what's going on inside of you, that also just sets their nervous system. It kind of takes and goes, oh, we don't need to be on guard anymore because we actually are being understood. Yeah, I love that. Yeah, so so important to be able to name it also for them to start that kind of thinking of what am I feeling, right? And I think in order to do that, Sarah, I have to go back to this isn't about me. This is about that. I got to in then I'm like, once I'm calm, I can realize this is about them.
Okay, what is it saying about them? Right? And then number three was I got to offer safety and reassurance. Like right then they're attacking me with their words. And if I come back with, even when you're mad, I still love you. ⁓ I'm right here. Okay. I want to help you. ⁓ Right? I mean, that would feel so reassuring to the kid to now feel safe enough to really deal with and face ⁓ what it is they're working through.
right? Instead of us just reacting and then everybody you know, everybody knows this dance, they blow up at you, you blow up with them. And then it's just like, we're gonna keep doing this, you know? So instead, we like this parenting model is we really want the kids and you to face the hard things. We're not trying to sugarcoat it, you know? So ⁓ if I call it out, let them know I'm here, I'm not going anywhere. I still love you even when you're being ugly at me, right? That's actually going to help them be more likely to listen to your wisdom on how to do it better. Yep. And
And once again, I feel like it's important to say, depending on your history, if they're used to you escalating and things, ⁓ this is gonna take a little bit. So just a fair warning. you're saying consistently, ⁓ think of it like you're changing the dance. They're used to you dancing certain dance steps. And if they're already spiraled way up, it's gonna take a while to bring it down. So you might say that and they go, well, I still hate you. So just be prepared for that. Don't be shocked. Well, I said the magic words. Why aren't you calm yet?

Kyle And Sara Wester (20:30.370)
Don't be surprised by that. This is gonna take a little bit of time to build different wiring into their brain about these kind of moments. And so at that point then Sarah, once you hopefully, hopefully you're seeing ⁓ some like their body language get a little less rigid and less aggressive, right? And then you can set some limits, right? You're gonna use calm, but clear boundaries. So you might say something like, ⁓ I don't want you to talk to me that way. Okay. I would, I will listen to you when we're.
Okay. Or I'll listen to you when we're both ⁓ able to talk to each other in a kind way, right? Whatever it is. Like once again, you're not doing this as a threat. Yeah. soon you better watch your tone. Yes. Yeah. But, but it's basically saying like, you don't need to talk to me. If you're mad, you don't need to say it to me. Okay. So that's probably how I would say it. I can see you're mad, but you don't need to say it to me that way. Yeah. And you have to be genuine. You know, you're, you're, you're again, you're creating a boundary about how, you know, what's happening in the moment.
but your goal is to teach a skill because you actually want your child to be able to be upset, to be able to pause and go, what's upsetting me and be able to go to the other person and have a conversation about it. So I have to keep that big goal in mind because if I slip back ⁓ into my own hurt, the child's going to pick up on that and then you're kind of ⁓ going backwards. So I want to remember that I may be setting a boundary, but my goal
is to be able to help my child learn the skill of being able to open up, regulate themselves, and share with me. And that's gonna be some work depending on their age, ⁓ how much you've done this thing. ⁓ So it's a skill, just like anything, potty training took a while, these things take a while. Well, also think about, well, you want them to have healthy marriages where they're able to do this in their marriages. There's gonna be times where they're in arguments with their spouse. So I'm thinking, you have used this exact same technique, especially when we first got married and I just yelling was a go-to, and you being able to say, hey,
I don't like it when you yell at me. Okay, if you're upset, I'd rather us talk when you're calm, you know, and you consistently doing that would give me, okay, I need to go back. That's the kind of person I told her I want to be. I want to be a person who doesn't do it, right? But I've been trained all through my childhood that when you're upset, you yell, you know, so was a really new thing and it was new for you. But you slowly began to be consistent about that. And I began to help me think I don't want my kids to see me doing this, right? And so it's still a work in progress. It's always going to be a work in progress. But the kids were so great about them. They're so young.

Kyle And Sara Wester (22:53.824)
is you don't have to ever have that be a thing that's a go-to, right? It can be a thing where they go, when I'm mad, I don't need to scream at people. I don't need to say hurtful things, right? I may try that at first. Just like I may try lying or all that stuff. But then we want to teach them better skills that are healthy, right? And if your kids are old, it's not too late to go. But I would do it. I would go to them and say, you know what? We have this pattern going on. And just so you know, ⁓ I'm going to start working to change that pattern. This is what I want to see. ⁓
this is what I want to do. This is what I'm hoping our relationship can be. So I would lay it out for them. ⁓ And, but I would definitely not feel like, it's too late. been doing this for 15 years. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And then the last one, step five is then repair ⁓ once everybody is calm and composed. Okay. So revisit, come back and make sure you revisit within, I'd say that day would be great, but within 24 hours, what was underneath the outburst and practice healthier ways to communicate. that's in that repair time. And we've talked at length about that in other podcasts, but
That to me is the gold. That's the gold in a marriage and any relationship is how are we going to do this next time? You know, how is this going to change? So it's good to be able to model being composed, setting boundaries, all that stuff. That's great. But then next time you're upset, next time you're hurting, I want you to do it this way. You don't need to do it that way. And that's actually when the kid is now in the prefrontal cortex. Now the kid is connected with you. Now the kid feels safe and receptive. They're, they're, they're open-handed rather than closed fisted. That's when they're like, teach me a better way. Yeah.
Because they want to know, ⁓ they're going to be upset in relationship with you and other people. So when I'm upset and I don't like what's happening or my need isn't being met or something like that, how can I go to you? So you're saying, this is you can come to me. And then our job as parents is to make sure ⁓ we actually fulfill our side of the deal. ⁓ Because they might be bringing a need or a want or a frustration. And if we're triggered by it, they're going go, yeah, see, I knew I couldn't come to you. So we've got to do our side ⁓ and then teach them how It's a dance. We've got to learn the new dance steps.
⁓ So then here's just a few sample things you could say. ⁓ I can hear how upset you are, but I'm here for you. ⁓ Or you could say it sounds like you wish things were different and that's really hard. Okay. Or the third one is I don't like the words you used, but I love you no matter what. Right. Okay. I'd like that so much better too than the standard people say, you know what? I love you, but I don't like you. Like I still think that's kind of really, I think it's really hurtful. But I'd don't like the words. I don't like the words you use. Okay. ⁓ But I love you no matter

Kyle And Sara Wester (25:21.112)
Okay, now so here's basically just if you're taking away some key points that we wanted you to really glean from this episode is first of all don't take the words that the kid is saying at face value. It's about their big feelings not your worth as a parent. Okay, so if you need to really work on that aspect that would really help you not be so triggered. ⁓ Remember that your calm ⁓ empathetic response shows them how to regulate their emotions.
And then the third one is every I hate you moment can become a chance to build trust and connection. And that's exactly what it did for me and Abby. It totally helped us get closer together. So I want to encourage you, your child doesn't actually hate you. They're telling you they need help with their feelings and you get to show them love that they can count on. And what a gift that is. That's a real gift. Now in that moment, they're actually not saying I hate you. They're just needing your help.
to actually love themselves even in these moments. And so make sure if you could to share this episode with parents who you know have been hurt by this. I'm sure you've talked to parents, you've heard them say these stories. It's a common thing we heard among parents when they first had this happen or if it continues to happen, ⁓ that we hope you share this with them and let them know that there is hope that this can change, because it really is. The kid wants it to change you. I guess that's another takeaway. The kid does not want this ⁓ to continue. The kid does not like saying this. They wish they knew a better way to express those big feelings. So I really hope this was helpful to you.
and that it will help change the dance in your family. And we hope you have a wonderful day.

​