Episode 202

Episode 202 Transcript:

Have you ever run into, ⁓ have a sneaky kid or had any kind of interaction with a sneaky kid? A kid who you think is constantly trying to get away with things, trying to be dishonest, trying to manipulate.
⁓ trying to deceive. Man, we run into a lot of families where parents are struggling with this ⁓ and they're just at a loss for what to do and how to change these dynamics. ⁓ Well, you you'll hear us say this a lot. Change always begins with us. ⁓ We are the ones that hold a lot, if not most of the power to change these dynamics, to raise kids that want to be honest, that want to ⁓ not go behind your back, but actually want to
Co-create a different relationship with you and today we're gonna give you the clear why behind that explain what's behind that what's going on How come kids are so sneaky? But then we're gonna give you five clear steps that you can take today to start changing that and we're gonna hit you with some amazing ⁓ Questions three specific questions that I think and when you hear these reflective questions and start noticing these things in your home that are going to lead to dramatic change in the relationship between you and your child where your child will no longer feel the need
to be sneaky that they'll actually find honesty feels very, good because you've created the environment ⁓ to where it feels that way. So ⁓ if you haven't already, please take a moment to stop review, comment. ⁓ You know, we'd love to hear feedback from you. Check us out on Facebook, Instagram, Tik Tok, and even on YouTube. You know, we do all this stuff on video. So if you prefer a video format, go to art raising humans for that. And also if you listen to this and you're thinking, man, I'd love to get more help.
more coaching on how to change this, definitely reach out to me at kyle at art of raising humans.com. Love to connect with you and talk about ways in which we can help you and your family. So sit back, get ready to enjoy this episode because we're going to change these dynamics in your family today.

Kyle Wester (0:1.070)
Welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. I am Kyle. Hi there everyone, I'm Sarah. And Sarah, all know, we've all had these experiences with kids who can be sneaky. Yes. Can seem like they're very good at getting away with stuff, right? Can seem manipulative, know, they seem like they know how to, you know, act like one way in front of your face and do something behind your back, right? And so we're tying this into our last week's discussion where we're talking about how to help your kids open up.
How we communicate with our kids matter, right? And a lot of parents will come, and I know you and I both heard this when we were helping parents, how sneaky their kid is or how ⁓ dishonest their kid is. And many times you and I look at it as if like, ⁓ sneaky behavior, it's not a character flaw, right? It's just not. ⁓ It is a strategy and strategies are ⁓ learned, right? So yeah, so speak a little bit about that.
strategies are learned yes yeah no I mean these kids I mean it's actually part of being an intelligent child it's actually part of development ⁓ and they're thinking how do I handle this next moment it doesn't matter if it's learning to walk learning to ride a bike ⁓ or getting what I want I want that cookie how can I get that no I know and so it's not a bad thing we're applauding it when it's bicycle riding but we're not we have to just reframe that and go ⁓
They're figuring out strategies. They're trying out different options. You know what you're doing? You're making me want to share a story. ⁓ Because I'm thinking here, what parents need to know is when kids hide, lie, or sneak, they're communicating something about safety, power, fear, or unmet needs. It's not a moral failure. So that makes me think about. Yes, it's not a moral failure. It makes me. I think we feel like it is. We're worried, right? We get scared.
Look what they're turning into their horrible person. Well, it makes me think about something that I was very sneaky about and this was you were this child It makes me think about in third second grade. We were learning cursive and I did not want to learn cursive I thought cursor was super boring and in my mind my teacher had not explained to me why cursive was valuable and I did not like cursive because my grandmother would write me letters in cursive and I could not read them

Kyle Wester (2:12.374)
And so I thought, why would I do this? Why would I confuse people ⁓ by writing ways people cannot? That's what my little seven-o-mind so I think that's a valuable moment. Just to pause for a second, your teacher might have felt like she did a fantastic job. yes. And your grandmother... Mrs. Byrds, you were great. ⁓ And your grandmother was writing these really caring notes to you. So we just have to hold in this moment, it's a great example of when I think the adults had one perspective, but the seven-year-old had a different perspective. And that's not one wasn't right, wrong.
the parents didn't do a good enough job or the kid was a horrible kid. It's just like, this is the moment as it was. So in my seven year old mind, every Friday we're doing cursive. She gives us his worksheets, these, this workbook and we're supposed to fill this out. I found this incredibly boring. So I thought to myself, I noticed my teacher, I thought, I don't think she's grading this. So once again, like it's the school system that taught me like you do these things to get a grade. So if you're not grading this, ⁓ why am I doing this? So I noticed there was a kid in my class. He was always a little bit above me. ⁓
He was kind of the teacher's pet. So I thought I am gonna take his work when he turns it in and I'm gonna erase it and put my name and then he's not gonna have a sheet. And I seriously, as a seminar, watched and observed that a whole week to see if Mrs. Burns would talk to him. And she did not pull him aside ever. And I thought to myself, she is not looking at this work. So every Friday I would just rip those sheets out, she would look at my workbook and I would be caught up.
and I never learned how to write in cursive. ⁓ And I felt very proud of myself. But that's an example where I wasn't trying to do anything evil. I just really, in my mind, it perfectly made sense. I didn't understand why everybody else was doing thinking this is gonna lead to a life of crime and being a manipulative, mean person. No. Yes. And I could share more stories, but I don't wanna disparage myself on it. That was just where my brain was thinking at seven years old, right? And so we've understand, like we understand parents are having these experiences
My parents didn't even know about that one. But ⁓ if you've ever caught your child sneaking, hiding screens, lying about homework or ⁓ omitting details in a story, ⁓ this episode is for you. You can definitely relate to this. Sneaky behavior hits a deep nerve, I think, for everybody, you know? ⁓ Because it triggers fear, it triggers betrayal, and the question starts to come in, can I trust you? Can I trust anything you're doing? ⁓

Kyle Wester (4:34.284)
Honestly, it erodes trust and that's reasonable. So that's okay. And often I think the bigger fear is what did I do wrong? Yeah, like ⁓ why did I raise a kid who's constantly like I can't trust you the teachers seem to can't trust you, you know, right? So sneakiness just so you know is really common in middle childhood and adolescence. So there I was right in line them. So middle child and it often peaks when autonomy increases, but trust hasn't yet caught up. Yeah, can you speak to that right there?
So kids are gonna, you'll notice the ⁓ little ways this is happening and then it grows. ⁓ And as that autonomy, it's like, I'm my own, autonomy is that I'm my own person, I'm figuring out my way. We need people to do that, right? Everyone needs to figure out who they are and their way in this world, because they're not gonna live as your little child forever. And so they're trying out different things. And so those things will mix in there naturally. what about this and what about that? And they're kind of sorting through all that in their brain.
Yeah, so we want to kind of first talk about why. Why are kids and teens sneaky? ⁓ the why really does matter because it determines ⁓ how you perceive the behavior. It determines how you talk about it because that's a lot of what I'm doing. When a parent comes in and tells me that their kid is sneaky, I spend a little time. I want to reframe that understanding because I didn't feel like I was doing anything wrong as a little kid. I just thought I was understanding the system and I didn't want to do it their way. So I just did it a different way.
Yeah, so sneakiness is I would say honestly, even if you did know you were doing something wrong Yeah, yeah that that doesn't take away from the fact that it still was good strategy, right? Yes, I think through that kid's mind. What do I need? What do I want? What's happening here? And they're making sense of it in their world, right? Cuz that's in our world We're thinking no you need this because you don't grow up and there's gonna be a curse of handwriting and you need this because it's character and you're honest and you're but that's not the same
Mindset a child is operating from an or teenagers operating from and that's really important to hold that they don't have our same agenda They don't have our same priorities. So even though we think it's such an obvious character flaw. That's not the space they're in That's why you're on this podcast. That's good. It's really good honey. It's really good how you reframe that Yeah, because I said that almost too quickly, know, so I like how you reframed it there sneakingness So is a learned survival strategy. I you definitely see this there I know you worked with some kids who've really been in abusive situations

Kyle Wester (6:58.670)
And it's almost like, well, when I see parents who've adopted or done foster with, ⁓ they almost, I can see that. You can see how they've done that to survive, you know? Because it wasn't, but ⁓ it's happening on a similar scale, just a little different in homes where there isn't that going on, Because kids start to adapt to their environments. If honesty feels unsafe, ⁓ the brain will choose protection over truth, which that just makes sense.
You you would do the same thing at your work environment. You would do the same thing, you know? I mean, you want to be protected. You want to feel safe and your brain is going to prioritize protection every time. Yeah, the nervous system will ask this question. What keeps me ⁓ out of trouble ⁓ or connected? So what keeps me out of trouble or connected? Sneaky behavior often forms when truth leads to punishment, shame or emotional withdrawal. So I want you I want to go back to that again because ⁓
what keeps me out of trouble or connected. So I try to tell parents there that kids learn to tell stories that their parents actually want to hear. ⁓ It's kind of stupid to keep telling you stories you don't want to hear because you're going to get really mad. ⁓ they're watching. once again, it's even the ways we do it. I try to tell parents, ⁓ I tell you stories in a way that I think is going to be more palatable. And that doesn't mean I'm being dishonest. It means I've learned how to tell you that because I think
If I say it the other way, it's gonna hurt your feelings. If I say it this way, it's all about adapting to that individual you're talking to. Well, I think about it even, I think about people on stage. Really good public speakers, right? ⁓ Honestly, that's kind of what they are, right? They've read the audience. They're so good at feeling the shift in the audience and the reactions to what they're saying. And I've heard even you sometimes, people who are so good on stage. ⁓
they notice these little nuances, these little shifts that are happening and then they craft their story ⁓ or what they're saying. And ⁓ we in the audience would applaud that. We think, wow, what a great public speaker, right? But our children, they pick up on that too.

Kyle Wester (8:58.080)
and not even intent, they're not watching you trying to think how, it just happens. They're picking up on your tone, that little facial expression that changed slightly. ⁓ And they don't want to lose you, that connection, that relationship. Maybe there's punishment on the line as well. So not only might I get some punishment, some consequence, but then I'm also going to lose your positive thoughts of ⁓ me. ⁓ It could be shame and guilt, but it could even just be
Want you to think I'm great. Well, Sarah now you're not gonna think I'm here How often have we been helping kids ⁓ and the kid will tell the parents not to tell us what happened? You know and it isn't because the kid doesn't actually want to own up to it the kid thinks you or I as the therapist Like them and enjoy them, right and they're so afraid it's gonna change that and I would take it a step even further They they we we do work really really hard right to have this positive intent and care and we're always sharing that
but losing our relationship ⁓ is not the same as the risk of losing their parents. So how much more, you know, ⁓ do they, are they risking to go to the parent with that truth? Yeah, that's good. It's really good. Once again, ⁓ Okay. The number two is this fear of the fear of disappointment is a huge driver. And even as I'm saying that, I'm thinking sometimes we want that.
Like we want that. We want that to be a huge driver. We want our kids to be very worried about disappointing us. So many kids lie ⁓ not to get away with something, but to actually preserve belonging and connection with you, especially in families where approval feels really conditional, you know? Yeah. And that's really common in a lot of families. And whether you... It's so easy to slip into as a parent where you're...
You're like, ⁓ you did that and you give them that look of you better shut your mouth right now or you better whatever it is, you know, and ⁓ mixed in there is this, I pull back a little. yeah. And actually, Sarah, I will have kids who will be like, they're fine with if a parents are doing some kind of punishment stuff or they're actually fine doing, you know, doing whatever you ask, but it's really that disapproval that really bothers them. Like, why do you think I'm so bad? Why do you think I'm so wrong? Just give me, sometimes they're like, just give me.

Kyle Wester (11:12.332)
the whatever punishment, just get it over with. I don't wanna deal with this other thing, because that's more hurtful. And they're actually not, many times they're not avoiding consequences, they're just avoiding that disconnection. And that feeling. Yeah, to be told you don't belong until you shape up, so to speak. Yep, number three is control without collaboration is always gonna breed secrecy. So let me say that again, control without collaboration will breed secrecy. Secrecy. Kids do well when they can.
when kids feel controlled instead of partnered with, we, lots of times we call it like co-creating, they just go underground. They go dark. They go dark. Sneakiness increases when kids feel over monitored. I that just makes sense. Micromanage, we all do that. You a micromanager at work? You get a little sneaky. You're like, I'm not gonna tell you everything, because as soon as I do, we're gonna have to have a meeting about that. They might even like what you're doing, but it's that constant like,
I don't know which way this is gonna go over every little thing. No, I'll say them. Do you want to talk to your parents about it? No, because they have no trust that that's gonna, you know, they think really they're gonna get micromanaged. So not trusted with age appropriate freedom. You know, they're hearing from their friends that this seems to be something other parents will, you know, whatever. And it's not necessarily comparing that, but they'll start hearing that. So they will start thinking that you don't trust me.
hear that a lot. My parents don't trust me. That's why they're micromanaging. And the parents will then turn it back. Well, we're micromanaging because you're so sneaky. ⁓ it's just in this back of ⁓ a voice. ⁓ So that's why we're big on change begins with me. You know, I because I will talk to these kids, Sarah, and I'll say to them, well, why not just do this that will help your parents like and the kids will even try it sometimes. But then they'll find
The parents don't change. They continue. They don't believe it. They're like, nah, I think even that good thing you did, that's you being sneaky. We're just in the best position to create the change anyway. You know, it's sort of like a work environment where you could ask the employees to change it, but how much more powerful it's gonna be if the boss says, I want a supportive environment. I want this. And if they come in with that.

Kyle Wester (13:16.050)
That's a lot more powerful than one little employee going, I'm going to change the system. true. I think we're just in a better place. another great metaphor. I love that. It's really good. And number four, ⁓ developmentally, their brains are wired for it. What do we mean by that? Well, adolescents are, they're experimenting with their independence, right? ⁓ They're highly sensitive to perceived judgment by you and everybody else.
And they're less That's why they have to have that pair of shoes or that, you know, because we've all been there. my gosh, buy me those jeans. I need those. Less skilled at long-term consequence forecasting, meaning it's hard for them to think ahead and see the long-term outcomes. That's why they do so many more impulsive things that are just, they're caught up in the moment. ⁓ So sneaking is often just a clumsy attempt at autonomy and what they perceive to be ⁓ freedom. And many times,
Parents have framed it that way that ⁓ freedom is something they give and take away So the kids are like well, I'll just find freedom in a different way. I'll be sneaky So this is not permission. It's just context. It's giving you context to understand why they're being sneak Yeah, they're trying to make their decisions ⁓ and we all like to yes, right? So it's not really a fault of theirs that they also want to ⁓ of course, we may have a more mature brain we may have you know,
10 cookies a day isn't gonna be really great for you. So I really think we should limit that and you shouldn't be sneaking those cookies. But it's because we're operating from a different place where they're saying, I want this and I'm gonna try this out and I want to make my own decisions. And I wanna stay out late for curfew or I do or don't wanna do that homework, right? Because they're just trying to make their decisions and do that autonomy thing that they're supposed to be doing. And so this is, we know this change is very hard for parents. So this kind of seeing sneaking us in the different.
And it's hard because parents feel betrayed by it. They feel disrespected. ⁓ They're afraid, rightly so, of bigger risk and things are gonna happen. And personally rejected by it. They feel like the kid doesn't care about them. ⁓ If I don't come down hard on my kid, ⁓ all this is just gonna get worse. ⁓ And we'll hear that stuff. If I don't come down, it's just gonna get worse. If I trust them, am I being naive? ⁓ Am I just falling that's a really big one. because no one wants to be a sucker.

Kyle Wester (15:32.354)
You know, what does this say about our relationship is another one. Like what kind of relationship do we even have if they're willing to do this and go behind my back? ⁓ Sneakiness doesn't mean you have failed. It means your child doesn't have the skills or safety to be honest. So, and that is something you have control over. How do I create that with them? And I know you even think about it at times, you knew kids growing up who were sneaky.
Yeah, who weren't like, I'm even thinking of another story where ⁓ I made like a bad grade, Sarah, ninth grade. And ⁓ I saw how my brother had changed some of his grades and my parents fell for it. And so I changed my grades, ⁓ not as bad as he did, because I had this like thing in my heart that said, don't totally lie. But I was afraid of them finding out I got a D. So I wanted to make it into a B, right? And I didn't want them. It was in biology and they just would not accept.
And I knew that their response or their reaction to it was going to be ⁓ way above beyond what it needed to be. And I knew that I could get that grade up. ⁓ I knew I could, but I knew they would not accept that. know, the point is they would feel the need to come down hard. So I felt the need to deceive, you know? ⁓ so here's, let's start it with what not to do. Okay. What not to do, even though it's tempting. Okay. So these responses that we do as parents increase sneakiness over time. And we have seen this to play out. Number one,
interrogations. That does not work. Right. As much as we wish we could just go at them and eventually they would break and they would tell the truth. actually backfires. Yes. And the other one is surveillance parenting. my gosh. Like I've heard parents putting trackers ⁓ on their car. I've heard them. Yeah. All types of ways they're surveying them. ⁓ Even lots of times sneaking on their phone ⁓ without the kid knowing about it.
and doing this behind their back or even talking to people when the kid's unaware of this to find out things. And ⁓ it's all under the guise of helping the kid, but the kid feels betrayed too. And they feel like I can't trust you. It doesn't build trust. going to get into the worries of safety and things like that for this episode. know, so we're, just want to throw that out there, but just realize the relationship is going to suffer. That's going to backfire on you. ⁓ That's definitely not ideal. Okay. Public shaming or immediate punishment.

Kyle Wester (17:52.044)
without being curious, know, these reactions when we jump to conclusions and then statements like, why would you do this? It reads as judgment. It doesn't read as curiosity. It doesn't look like you're trying to really come to, ⁓ why would you, it's like an accusation, you know, why would you be this dumb? ⁓ Why would you do this? ⁓ And so, know, Brene Brown's got some great, Brene Brown's a great author on the subject of shame. And she talks about shame drives behavior underground ⁓ and connection.
brings ⁓ it into the open. So shame will cause the kid to pull away and then connection will help the kid be more trusting and willing to open the door to their heart and be honest with you. ⁓ Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's just rich and deep and ⁓ I think it rings true. You feel it where you go, yeah, yeah, shame is gonna make me hide. Shame makes me wanna go undercover and not ⁓ be honest or reveal myself to people around me.
it's that connection, that best friend that you can tell anything to, that's the person you're gonna be honest with. So we wanna be that for our kids. So let's change those things. Let's hear those, let's stop doing those things. But here's what to do instead, okay? So these are practical tools. Number one, and we're big on this, and we are always practicing ourselves in our marriage and with our kids. Number one, lead with curiosity, ⁓ not courtroom energy, ⁓ okay?
Like don't come in. You're not a prosecutor. So lead with curiosity ⁓ Something like help me understand what made this ⁓ feel so hard to tell me or what was so difficult, you know for you And then you better be genuine. Yeah, make sure you're genuine make sure you're in that perfect space to deliver this with a genuine curiosity Not a I'm gonna eventually get to you. Yeah, and you can feel you want to know you can't and you want to know Yeah, you want to know what those barriers are to them coming and the one who knows is them ⁓ So if you're gonna figure this out
Talk to them and your tone really matters when you do that. So number one lead with curiosity not the core of energy number two separate the behavior from the relationship I think it's really important. ⁓ I'm ⁓ You want to say this explicitly don't just imply it I'm I'm not glad this happened and our relationship is safe ⁓ Okay, I mean that's really important for the kid to hear because so many times the kid thinks ⁓ This is the last straw and now I'm gonna be I don't how many kids have wanted to tell their parents something that's going on Sarah and they've told me

Kyle Wester (20:12.950)
I can't because my parent might do X, Y, and Z. And typically it is break off the relationship. ⁓ But this calms that attachment alarm that I'm not gonna belong anymore. I won't be wanted. ⁓ We just can't too much. Make sure our kids know that they belong and we're always there and we love them in the messy. ⁓ Number three, ⁓ Sarah and I, ⁓ if you've been listening to us for a while, we're big on skill building.
Behavior is about skills. Number three is focus on building skills, ⁓ not ⁓ just consequences. So what made honesty feel risky to you might be a great question. How come you were so scared to be honest? What support would help next time? What could I do differently? ⁓ How could I create a different environment? ⁓ Whenever I'm doing this with parents, Sarah, it's just so cool to hear.
what kids will say to their parents and if their parents are open and receptive, it really does transform their relationship. Yeah, it's amazing and each kid's different, know, so it's really important to these conversations if you have multiple children, you know, because what opens one, what creates safety with one can be different, you know, ⁓ and it's really powerful to hear from them. And then what's the plan if this happens again? This comes up again, what's our plan? And I want you to know what we're doing here is kind of modeling to you, this is coaching. It's not permissiveness. know, lots of times,
When people hear about, they're parenting without punishment. ⁓ They move it into this, this gentle parenting. You're being very permissive. Kids are getting away with everything. ⁓ I want you to hear from us. We're coaching our kids on how to actually open up, take responsibility, ⁓ and own it. But we're doing that by modeling it and saying, I want to own it. ⁓ What made it hard for you to tell me that? ⁓ And those really bring your relationship so much deeper and more. And one thing, I know we say this a lot, it was...
in our marriage, why wouldn't I want to ask those questions? If you felt unsafe to come tell me about something or you were, I would want to know what was it that caught, and you might say it was you reacting big, and I need to realize that. I need to own that and say, okay, tell me now, I promise you can trust that I won't react big to that. Okay, number- We have to remember that we're getting to know our kids. I think sometimes because they're born and we're with them and we think we know them, but they're developing and growing and having these thoughts.

Kyle Wester (22:31.754)
and they're becoming their own person. And so we wanna remain a little curious and not slip into why no, my kid, right? So we wanna ask these questions, because we want to know who are you and how do relationships work for you and how is this relationship gonna work as you continue to change and grow over time? Yeah, number four, let's go ahead and shrink the power gap, okay? Well, what we mean by that is ⁓ sneakiness thrives ⁓ in big power imbalances, okay?
And here's ways to reduce it. So we wanna make sure, ⁓ we're sneaky with our boss, we're sneaky with, when other people have power over us and we feel like that they can really hurt us or really come down hard on us. And so ⁓ here's ways to reduce it, is offer control choices. What does that mean? Offer control choices is just, it's like handing back the power where you could come in and you could say.
I'm in charge, I'm the parent, what I say goes, and it's looking for lots of opportunities to go, you have the power. Let me give you the power. ⁓ Even in little things, where do you want to go eat? But ⁓ it's not always just eating up the power you could take, but it's shifting the power over to other people. Involve kids in rule setting, or might say involve kids in setting boundaries on that. So often this is happening with phones and screens, and ⁓ parents will say, no, I did set boundaries. did set, and it's
only what they said, you know, and that's the key thing. just said, did the kid have a say in that? Did the kid talk? And lots of people are afraid to ask the kid because they think the kid is gonna be like, just let me do whatever I want. Like when I have talked to the kids and we're in a safe place to talk, they own it. They've seen kids overuse it. And even if your kid did that initially, your kid knows eventually that having limits is helpful to them. You know, so you just like...
Okay, oh, so you feel like, okay, well, what are some limits, you might say? And when we've done this, it's worked great. It's really powerful when your kid has that buy-in. You know, when they feel like they have some say in it versus something, because then if it's something laid on you, you almost have this like, oh, I gotta shove back on this. you push it on me, I wanna push it back on you, yes. Yeah, so if it's something like, am choosing this, I'm creating this, how much more are you going to actually do it? I don't even think lots of kids know that.

Kyle Wester (24:45.742)
They don't even know it's their responsibility to set those themselves. And of course you're building skills for the rest of their life. And you want them to know how to do that at a young age so they can do it when they're in college. There's tons of benefits to Also explain the why behind limits. Kids don't get it. They typically see it, trust me, they see it as you controlling them because you think they're going to do bad things if you don't. And that doesn't feel good. It's not a real great motivation. So to us, we talk a lot about having limits is about helping you to have self-control.
So you can be free ⁓ to really be at your best. That without limits, it's just chaos. ⁓ And that doesn't lead to ⁓ safe, healthy relationships. ⁓ Invite feedback when you don't change the rules. ⁓ So invite feedback from the kid ⁓ where they're able to give back to you what their thoughts are about the boundaries, about the limits, because remember, you're co-creating with the kid.
And it doesn't always mean, I mean, you may be about to say this, but it doesn't always mean that, ⁓ the kid told me they wanted 10 hours to, you know, or my curfew is 3 a.m. It doesn't mean that you're just doing what they want. It just means that you're crafting it together. You may have to hold about, you know, this is a solid line for me, but this is where you can choose, you know, where you're looking for those places where maybe you have to have a hard line on this, but.
They still have power in it. And the kid respects that. ⁓ The kid doesn't actually want you to do everything they're saying. I'm just telling you, I hear that. They don't expect that. They know. They want you to just consider it and listen. And they feel like you're not giving it any value. Right. And if you genuinely listen, even if you have to come back and say, I'm sorry, I can't change it this time. Yeah. Number five, repair matters more than the original mistake. So trust isn't built by perfection. We said that in our last
The last episode we talked about helping your teenager trust isn't built by perfection. It's built through repair So ⁓ asking a really great question. I love this question. How do we rebuild trust together? So how do we do that together and you're inviting there might be things you're asking the kid to do differently things are asking you to do differently But this is what healthy safe relationships are built on ⁓ Yeah, ⁓ okay. So we want to kind of give you a long view kind of reframe. Okay ⁓ your job ⁓ isn't

Kyle Wester (27:5.806)
⁓ raise a child who never lies. Okay that's not your job. Okay that's not that's not what success is. It's to raise a child who knows they can come back to the truth. So raise a child who knows they can, knows how to do that. Sneaky kids aren't bad kids. ⁓ They're adaptive kids who need safer paths to honesty. They need they need to you know
⁓ Safe path to come back, be honest, to own it, to take responsibility. That's a much better focus to have. If my focus isn't, I don't want to raise a liar, ⁓ I don't want to raise this, instead I want to raise someone who knows how to come back to honesty. So if you're struggling with this with your kid, and this is really hurting your relationship, I want you to understand if your kid's young and this is happening, ⁓ you've got to take these steps now because it's going to lead into kids who are just shutting down and not opening up in the teenage years.
And I'm not saying that to scare you. I'm just saying that's what the longer and longer this pattern gets in place, the harder and harder it is to it. So lots of people, Sarah, are bringing teenagers to me and we're trying to undo this, but it's been many, many years. Yeah, because they didn't know. And so now you're trying to shift it. Now you're learning and growing, which is fantastic. It's a great time to start, but you can start younger. So I want to invite you into this kind of just reflection. Just ask yourself these questions. Where might honesty feel risky in your home? What would it look like to make truth safer than hiding?
What skill is my child missing? Not what rule are they breaking? Okay, I mean those three, if you get nothing else, those three will change so many things in your relationship with your kids. So we would encourage you, share this with your friends, let them know about these tips we're given to help you and help them and their child because so many parents are struggling with this in this age of screens and phones and all of these battles happening and kids trying to hide and have burner phones and all this kind of stuff, you know?
and we really want to just change that dialogue. So definitely, ⁓ please share it with people, let them know about it. ⁓ We'd love to see our audience grow, because it means we're helping more families. ⁓ thank you for listening today, and hope you found this very helpful. Have a wonderful day.