Episode 169

Okay, if you are a parent right now of a kid who is a teenager or preteen or getting to that stage, I'm sure you at times have felt ⁓ the anxiety or the stress of how are we going to handle these years and what is going on? Why are they acting this way? Well, Sarah and I, we've been dealing with a lot of families lately going through that exact same thing. And so we thought, man, we need to do a whole podcast about about moving away from controlling your teen, but what to do instead.
because if you've already tried it, you know trying to control your teen is like you trying to grab water and seeing it just slip through your hands. And you know, it just leads to a lot more conflict, a lot of more tense discussions, a lot more hurt feelings and, it deteriorates your relationship over time. And so we thought let's, let's really give them some five clear steps that they can do to help start repairing that relationship and sort of like changing the whole dance with their teenager to where it's no longer about control, but it's about a
a totally different approach. ⁓ today, that's what we're gonna give you today. ⁓ Get your pen and paper ready to go so you can write down these five things, or if you're listening to it, get ready to of jot them in your mind and put them down later, because if you implement these things today, it will start to transform that relationship with that preteen, adolescent, teenager kid in your home. And if you've already not already done this, please take a moment to pause and rate and review the podcast.
Share this with a friend that you think needs help with their teenager preteen Because we really want to equip you and encourage you that this can be a very great time and it doesn't need to be one that's full of Constant conflict and strife but it can be about a time of you journeying together and creating a relationship that will last ⁓ a lifetime So enjoy the podcast
 

Kyle And Sara Wester (0:1.390)
Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle. Hi, I'm Sarah. And Sarah, today we want to jump into ⁓ a struggle many parents dread, which is ⁓ the dreaded adolescent, preteen, teenage years. ⁓ They're like, no, it's happening. Sometimes parents are telling me at like 10 or 11, they're like, I can tell his hormones are kicking in. He seems to be a lot more upset lately or more emotional. I remember feeling this shift.
like, Oh, my little kid. Oh, wait, you're not my little kid. And I remember just noticing our interactions were different, how they're approaching things have changed how they're thinking about things are changing. And even if you're excited about it, it's still kind of really hits you. can be kind of jarring. It's shift. Yeah, definitely a shift in your relationship and how they're living life. But I think a big part of it, is how
you approach it, like you're saying, you can approach it with trepidation and fear, ⁓ stress and worry and anxiety about it, or you can also approach it with knowledge that this is a time they're supposed to go through. ⁓ I love how Dr. Dan Siegel in his book, Brainstorm, how he talks about, this is an exciting time, ⁓ the kid's brain will never be this way again, and if we embrace it, if we're really willing to understand where they're at,
they can inspire something in us, a new creativity, a new spark that maybe we have lost because our brain is kind ⁓ of stuck and like kind of, their brain is still in this like real creative space ⁓ that I have found that to be true as we've engaged our teenagers where they inspire me in different ways. Yeah, no, okay, I love that. I remember you telling me, we were having this conversation one day years ago about... ⁓
that the adult brain is very efficient. That's why we remember everything and we're good at our little routine. Our checklist. ⁓ cause our brain is actually honed in and streamlined everything. so we can do things and we're very proud of ourselves for being able to do these certain things. But we sometimes forget that we've actually lost something else. Now it is to our benefit. It's where we are in our adult brain, but they are in this very creative.

Kyle And Sara Wester (2:16.650)
of their brain. They have all kinds of things lighting up and functioning in their brains. And if you need a new idea, ask a teenager. where we have a really hard time thinking outside of our streamlined, they don't. ⁓ They're all over the place. So we get frustrated with that because we're thinking, come on, I told you a million times. Why aren't you good at this? Why aren't you good at your habits and your routines and seeing down the road and
the consequences of your actions and stuff. And it's because they're in another part of their brain. But with that is a really beautiful, important ⁓ piece of life. And businesses actually even seek that out in some hiring some 20 year olds and still have some of that creativity. So I just wanna, I love that conversation because it really helped me to when I'm looking at my teenagers or having a hard moment to go, ⁓ I'm in this part of my brain. Well, Sarah, I get the seat all the time helping teenagers and parents ⁓ when I'm coaching families because
there'll be times where I'm talking to the parent and there's a conflict, a problem, we're trying to resolve it. And then the teenager will come up with this idea. Like, where did that come from? That's actually a fantastic idea. And it's like, you know, that that's where Seagull talks about how this time in their life during adolescence, and we're talking maybe, you know, to roughly 12 to 18, where these kids, their brain is more open, their brain is more open to new ways of seeing things, new thoughts, new new ways of approaching, but
It also leaves them more susceptible to pain and rejection. And also that that's why there's a lot of ⁓ times where they seem to be really hurt by things. You're like, that doesn't seem like it's that big a deal, you know? Or if you remember, I remember being a teenager and you had like a relationship breakup and it did seem like the end of the world. But he would say, you can't have one without the other. That that openness ⁓ to these new thoughts and new ideas that the world needs, know, like Siegel even ⁓ makes the argument that that's where the solutions for our problems are gonna come.
Like those kids 12 to 18, they're seeing the world in a way we just can't see it because our brain is stuck in a world that we grew up in and it's kind of fixed on those solutions that helped them, but they can come up with solutions that will help now. And of course we don't want to just rely on them. It could be a great co-creating process of us using what we know with what they're learning and what they see about the world. And that's when it can be really exciting, you know, in those teenage years.

Kyle And Sara Wester (4:36.270)
And so let's just talk about real quick about just understanding their brain. We've kind of touched on it a little bit, but already we all know this and a lot of listeners have already heard us say this, that their prefrontal cortex is not formed, right? You hear jokes about this all the time on TV shows and stuff like that about teenagers. It won't be until their mid 20s, early 20s, where that prefrontal cortex is so important because that is all that stuff that you're talking about in regards to like seeing ahead, kind of have that future planning.
⁓ and see consequences. Yeah. And to be able to really put all that together to be able to make those thought out decisions. A really big one. Emotional regulation. ⁓ So when you're like, why are you so emotional? well, that part of your brain hasn't developed yet. Yeah. Yeah. And so what that leads to is there are a lot more in what would be called their amygdala or even what we might say their limbic system to their emotional center of their brain. And what that's going to do is cause your teenager ⁓ and this isn't to put down teenagers, but it is going to look a little bit like when they were
two to four years old when that part of their brain was coming online. they're naturally more reactive and they're naturally going to be more emotional about situations and it can be kind of confusing. Yeah. And so it helps me to expect it to go, ⁓ this is normal. You know, it's like when you're a little kid throws a tantrum and though you don't like it or something, but you still go, yeah. All my friends told me that my preschooler is going to throw tantrums. You know, you know, it's normal.
So we should look at teenagers and go, ⁓ they're not gonna be good at organizing stuff ⁓ and their life and planning things. And they're gonna be messy. Their emotions are gonna be messy. It's gonna be a roller coaster ride. So when it comes along, it's just helpful to go, ⁓ I'm not surprised by this. Your brain is going through massive changes. This is a massive change that happens in the brain. It starts pruning and getting rid of things and it's maturing and streamlining.
⁓ And that alone can exhaust a child and it is stressful all on its own. So we need to look at our child and go, they've got a lot going on. I almost think a good word for it, Sarah, is remodel. If you've ever done a remodel ⁓ of your home, if you've ever like, we're going to get that kitchen remodel or the bathroom remodel, ⁓ one, it always takes longer than they say it's going to. And it disrupts your life way more than you thought it would.

Kyle And Sara Wester (6:57.870)
adds a lot more stress. So basically think of it for those years, 12 to 18, they are kind of remodeling the inside of their brain. They're needing like use the word prune as well. They're needing to prune certain aspects of their brain to where they can start fine tuning one, who they are and then what they're gonna do with their life. Who they are separate from you and as your parents, like who am I separate from them?
And then how do I wanna show up? Who are my people? Who are the friends they're gonna do this with? So there's all these big questions that are happening and typically what that manifests is just in general, they're going to react first emotionally before logically. ⁓ So their ability to reason will come afterwards. ⁓ But what we can do, we can, as parents, if we're anxious or scared about these times, then we can also become equally reactive.
and it makes it really hard for us to get out of that emotional space. Yeah, yeah, we can. It's so easy to take it personal. It's so easy. Those triggers, because we have our own patterns going on in our head. So when your child defies you or does something that hits that button in you, all of a sudden, you're no longer in your pre-fural cortex, or you're not in your best space, and you're reacting. So now you both are reacting. And I love...
teenagers in this time, they're going through that autonomy ⁓ and they're, you we always hear, they're finding their identity. They're finding their identity. And we hear a lot about that, but it's, it's their brain is wired to, I've been relying on mom and dad ⁓ to tell me how to do everything and who I am and how to navigate life. But I realized, so this isn't a psych conscious, but their, their, their brain knows they're about to go out there. They're about to hit life and they have to be able to do it. And they're going, can I do it?
Can I do this? Am I competent enough? Am I capable? Yeah. So they've got to kind of try something different than you. They've got to kind of step back from you and we call it pushing away or whatever you want to call it because they've got to figure out if they can do it. They have to answer that question. Am I competent to handle the world and life? ⁓ Can I do this on my own? Can I have autonomy in this ⁓ and ⁓ identity search, whatever you want to call it, we have to realize this is a thing going on in them. Yeah.

Kyle And Sara Wester (9:14.098)
And we want to support that because we need that question answered for them as well. Yeah. So, so what you're saying is in this stage, it may look like ⁓ they are being defiant. You know, they are, ⁓ they are breaking the rules there, but really it's about them testing autonomy and competence, right? They're needing to seek, I capable of actually managing my life and making my own decision separate from you? ⁓ And it might look like, okay, then it's in schoolwork or it's in my curfew.
or it's in how I take care of my room or don't, you know. Yeah, yeah. Well, like I've even seen this happen, Sarah, where there are some classes that a kid is taking and ⁓ it does seem like that class or that teacher is just so frustrating and so annoying, right? And the parent keeps giving them the standard line. Well, that's just going to be life. You're going to have bosses like that. You're going to be in the kid will say like, man, I could just use AI and figure out how to answer and do that paper. And I'd still get to be in that class. And
I just rather do that.

You know, Sarah, like I think about whenever I was a kid, there was many times where I had a class where I didn't really seem to understand what was happening. didn't ⁓ know what the teacher wanted, you know? And there were times I had a friend who had a sheet already completed and I just memorized it or copied it. And like, yeah, it was cheating, you know? But I remember... ⁓
it seemed like the goal here in this class isn't for me to actually learn this information. It's really just to get the grade, you know? ⁓ And I also remember there being times where I had to make a decision, because my parents didn't have access to all the grades like we do now, ⁓ and I had to make a decision. You know, I could study for this test tonight, or I could study for this other test. And I would study for the test for the class that I needed to get that grade up. And the other one I would, and if my parents could have seen like, you got a D on that test, you know, like they do now, then there would be this.
⁓ freak out about all that stuff. So I bring all that up because what I see these kids doing ⁓ is ⁓ lots of times they're struggling with being given the opportunity to just make these decisions. And it's like because they're being monitored all the time, it's like the parent feels the responsibility to make sure the kid is making the right choice, as opposed to allowing the kid to just make a choice like you said, and then live with the outcomes of that choice. ⁓
Yeah, yeah, think that's living with the outcomes of those choices is a really hard thing for a parent to do. Like, wait, what? I mean, I know this is going to go terrible. And it's really hard to let your kids step into a place of controlling that and managing that and saying, OK, ⁓ this is place you can make a decision. And then we want them to do that because we want them to have to deal with the consequences because we want them to learn that now. Yeah. Yeah. And so if I were to cheat, which I remember cheating on a vocab test,
and the teacher saw me doing it and I had to deal with that outcome with that teacher, you know? ⁓ But sometimes because we have so much information and so much ability, we're not giving the kid to actually do that and that actually increases the kid's anxiety and fear of like, what am I gonna do when I go to college? And I have to make choices, you know? And so this also during this time, ⁓ the reason why teens act the way they do ⁓ is it's not that they're pushing away from us necessarily. It's they're trying to say, who am I apart from my parents? So there is this.

Kyle And Sara Wester (2:17.518)
identity piece that you alluded to, but it's also they're learning to lean on their peers a little more. You know, I don't know you remember this, Sarah, whenever our daughter first told us that the first person she goes to when something happens is her best friend and it wasn't us. And we're like, what, what, like, what are you, why wouldn't you go to us? Right. And, but I, I wasn't, I didn't react to it. was like, Oh, this is a shift. She's going to her best friend though. Yeah. Yeah. she's, yeah.
because that friend gives her such great advice and everything compared to us. ⁓ But then, yeah, there's that PCU that it's like, okay, okay, get rid of the sting of that. This is great, right? Because ⁓ I go and talk to my friends, I might talk to my family, and so they're building that skill of community and going to people ⁓ and because they have to answer the question, can I do this? And who am I doing this with?
If they only ever came to us and they solely relied on us and always took our advice, they wouldn't answer that question. The only thing they would get is, need to keep coming to you because you need to manage my life. ⁓ I'm not capable. ⁓ of course, that's going to be fraught with mistakes and ⁓ they're going to make errors. ⁓ And we want that because we want that now. Yes, realize you can make a mistake. It's not the end of the world. You can come back from this.
⁓ You've got to practice decision-making and just like any old skill you mess up a bunch of times and Even as adults we still mess up. So it's just part of it's easier that leads into though You know what parents feel during these years, right? That's why it can be it can cause anxiety and stress in the parent because they're asking questions like ⁓ I'm all fine and good with that. But what if my kid gets hurt? Yeah, physically or emotionally what if my kid does fail those classes and now their transcript sucks
What if ⁓ my kid ruins, like we talked about like being able to bounce back from some of these choices, but ⁓ sometimes the fear will say, what if my kid ruins their life with just one bad choice? ⁓ How do I live with ⁓ myself if I let my kid do that? And so the desire to protect, ⁓ can really, and almost 100 % always turns into control. ⁓ Micromanaging schedules, ⁓ micromanaging their social life, their phone use. ⁓ I even find sometimes I'm,

Kyle And Sara Wester (4:39.340)
micromanaging how our teenagers talk, ⁓ the words they use. A lot of parents wanna micromanage the music they're listening to. And you and I can relate to all of that. yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, and it does come from this place of trying to protect them, trying to help them grow. And it's like, need to be able to do this, and you need to be able to do this, and I already know how, I'm gonna tell you how to do it. ⁓ So it comes from this really, really great place, and it's so hard to go, I've got to step.
Yeah, yeah, and like you said, yeah, we've all heard stories of a child making a decision that massively Hurt their life massively. Yeah, and and so we are also not saying I can segue into this there can still be boundaries Yes, of course. We are not saying oh here you're 13 run your life now Yeah, mean that is not what we're saying. No, we are not saying that and we get into that Yeah, what I first want to hit though is even when I'm hearing these stories
and I'm sure listeners could tell me stories about what they're going through with their adolescent kids. ⁓ I almost, and it's kind of hard for me when I'm coaching the parent, I want to control the situation. I want to say, dude, I would totally do this or I would totally tell that kid that. That's right. But I also know there's another voice in my head that says, control almost always erodes ⁓ trust. And all it does is fuel rebellion and secrecy with the kid, right? And that's what the kids will tell me. The kids like the more mom and dad,
you know, act like this, the more controlling they get, the more I wanna pull away, the more I wanna hide, you know? Oh, guys, you know they're doing that. You know they're doing that. As much as, I think if anything, maybe that's a big motivator for me is when you want to step in and control. It's such an illusion. I mean, these parents think that they're doing, and maybe to a degree you're successful in controlling it, but then the kid doesn't believe they can do it, that you have to control them.
And then, but beyond that, the relationship erosion just breaks my heart because you do see the kid go, fine, I shut you out. I'm going to go do what I want to do because that, that again, they're wired for autonomy. That's, that's their developmental phase. So as much as we don't want it, don't like it, doesn't matter. Their brain is heading down that road because that's what they're supposed to do right now. And, and then the other side of it is they just learn how to keep it quiet.

Kyle And Sara Wester (6:58.232)
Because my parent can't handle it, this isn't going to go well. freak out every time. ⁓ And so they just learn to keep it aside and you are no longer part of their story. ⁓ And you want to be part of their, you want to be there. You always use that kind of like, you want to let me in the car too. The kids driving, you're like, just want, I want to be part of your ride. I want to be in there with you. Don't shut me out. ⁓ parents, that's a lot in our court. ⁓
how we respond and how we show up in these moments and how we take control or don't take that, that does determine a lot of whether your child is inviting you into their life and into their adulthood. Well, yeah, mean, every teenager I've talked to, Sarah, they really do want that. They really do want you in the car with them. I love this quote that you found where it says, let's name it, parenting a teen can feel like being sidelined while they drive a car you bought. ⁓ And it can definitely, it can definitely feel that way. But, but, but I do hear the heart of the kids.
I want you in the car, ⁓ but nobody wants anybody in the car if they're constantly the backseat driver. And they're like, what are you doing? Why are you driving like that? Like, nobody likes that, you know? I know you don't even like it if you were driving an opposite car and I'm pass that person. Why don't you go around that person? Adults don't like it. Nobody likes to be controlled. And as adults, it's like, well, of course you don't want to be controlled. But somehow we forget that kids and teenagers also don't like to be controlled.
Nobody does. You want to have some power in your life. So now let's give some real concrete things that you can be doing as a parent of a teenager, of an adolescent. We're to go through five things to do instead of controlling. Okay. Because that is the go-to for many of us. Okay. So the first one is ⁓ create emotional safety. Okay. ⁓ Listen more than you lecture. Show empathy over evaluation. I like that a lot. Like
be more empathetic than constantly evaluating. What are you doing now? Why are you doing that? ⁓ Validate their feelings even when you disagree with their behavior. Yeah, we've really, really got to do the work, parents, of shutting down that evaluator. That criticizer, that judger. Yeah, it's like, I know what you should do here. you should say this or you, and man, I slip into it so Of course, yeah, me too. And then I have to pull back. ⁓

Kyle And Sara Wester (9:13.260)
and just listen, listen, listen, listen. And what this beautiful thing happens is as you start to listen, they talk more. ⁓ And they talk more, but you have to keep the moment. They're so in tune with that, moment you start stepping, they're like shut down. yep, yep. Yeah, ⁓ because they know what it's gonna turn into. A long lecture, ⁓ all your great advice, right? And so it is very tricky. They're looking for advice. And their friends aren't giving it to them, which is why they talk to their friends. I know, know. So number one.
Create emotional safety. They've got to feel safe with you when they're talking about these issues. ⁓ Number two, focus on connection and not compliance. So make time ⁓ for non-agenda activities. ⁓ I just had a kid recently talk about how it seems like every time they're talking to their parent,
It's always about what they need to be doing, what they need to be getting done. And I was really convicting as I'm in the session hearing this, Sarah, I'm like, yeah, we need to make sure we're not doing that. And I told the teenager that too, I'm like, man, you're really helping me here. Cause I can definitely slip into there's all these things I want to get done. And the kid learns I'm just there to help you get your checklist done. ⁓ And so this kid was really wanting more connection with their parent. And so moving away from just making the relationship about that, but also letting your team know they're loved.
even when they're struggling. ⁓ So even when they're not being compliant and getting everything done, taking initiative, taking responsibility, mean, the tendency is when they're doing that, we're like, you're amazing, I love you. ⁓ And then when they're not, ⁓ when they're being kind of a turd, you wanna be like, my gosh, I don't like you now. Our response seems to be very negative. Yeah, that ⁓ one.
We just, you just gotta keep going back around to these things and then give ourselves grace when we mess it up. Yep, yep. Cause we're going to. Yep. So number two is focus on connection, not compliance. Number three, ⁓ share the power. Share the power. How do we do that? How do we share the power? Yeah. So all that time you want to come in with your brilliant ideas, ⁓ shut it down and start with asking them their ideas. Yeah. Yeah. You know?

Kyle And Sara Wester (11:20.498)
And ⁓ there'll be some things that maybe are non-negotiable, right? And that's okay. But then look for all the spaces and even invite it, even if it's curfew, ⁓ still invite them into the conversation. If it's their phone use or whatever it might be, invite them into the conversation and craft it together. You may have your hard stops, ⁓ but make sure you have wiggle room. Make sure you have spaces that they get to control, that they get to have a say in.
so that they feel that sense of control, that feel that sense of autonomy in it, even if you have spaces where it's like, well, this is the line, but what do you wanna control in all of You know what thinking as you say that? I'm thinking of my high school teachers. The ones I liked the best, Sarah, weren't the ones that just let us do whatever we wanted. Like, being in that class. Chaos, Yeah, it was total chaos. know what I mean? It was the teachers who actually had...
and we'll get into setting boundaries, but they had these clear boundaries. Like you knew what was expected of you in that class, but your voice mattered. Like they were really open to you as a ninth, 10th, 11th, 12th grader ⁓ creating like new ideas. And lots of them would come to the class and hey, how do you guys want to handle this test? Or how do you guys want to do this project? And so like there, that's what we want to invite them in. Like giving them like real choices to decide on things like clothing, like curfew, like...
school projects or even I'm thinking when it comes to music, you know, know there's so many kids who want to share the music with their parents, but then they're afraid they'll just get a bunch of criticism back, you know? And so there you're like, hey, why don't you decide what we listen to on the way to that thing today? And then that you can connect and they now have the power to decide the music. And if you just listen and are open to it,
Many times the kid like knows, I'm gonna try to play the clean version. I'm gonna try to, I don't want my parent to get too upset about it, but I do want them to hear it and be a part of it. Yeah, yeah. When do you wanna do your homework or how, what space do you want? Do you like doing your homework around everybody or do you need a quiet space to do it? There are all sorts of ways when we start thinking about it that we can hand over a lot of decisions to them and then they can explore it. They might try something, that didn't work. I'm gonna switch and do it this way.

Kyle And Sara Wester (13:35.126)
and we want them sort of exploring and navigating these different choices. And I would encourage you, I don't even think of it, lots of parents slip into, so now I'm negotiating with my kid. These aren't negotiations. Like I kind of think, in our marriage, I don't think wherever you and I are negotiating things, what we feel like the power is shared and there's activities or things that we're doing or decisions we're making. And so I value your wisdom, I value your thoughts on it. And so in the same way with the kids, it's not about a negotiation. It's like, hey, I'm thinking it's best to...
to come in by this time. think 11 is pretty reasonable. What's your thoughts on it? It's in the negotiation, it's you co-creating these ideas together because you want your kid to be able to do that when they're in college. To think, what time's a good time to go to sleep? What time's a good time to put my phone up? All those kind of things. I think the things that really stand out to me ⁓ is the value in a kid feeling seen and heard. ⁓ So if we're deciding all of that, they don't necessarily feel seen and heard. They don't feel like you believe in them. Yeah, or trust And we want to convey that you can do this in this world.
And then I think, I just lost my other point. ⁓ But when you were talking about it, was like, yeah, think inviting them in, I don't see it as like you said, the negotiating, I see it as training ground. so ⁓ I'm not, it's not a matter of who gets their way. I, as the parent, I'm looking at my team going, okay, how can I teach them how to decision make? ⁓
I need, okay, how are they doing this and how can I come alongside them to build the skill ⁓ of what am I gonna do? What are my options? Which one am I gonna choose? Do I need to change course now that I've done this for a while? Now it's time to change course. So I guess I view it that way, not this negotiating win lose situation, but just I am here to help you build this skill. That's great. And then that leads into the fourth one that you were kind of hinting at earlier ⁓ is part of this process.
is setting clear boundaries, but you're not doing it in a rigid way. You're doing it with flexibility because boundaries are not the same as control. know, teens, they want structure, you know, that they need structure. They need structure that they can even kind of push against, you know, but they also feel like that structure keeps them safe, you know. ⁓ So even though they're like, ⁓ I want to push against this. They're like, I'm so glad. I hear this from kids all the time. They don't want a parent who just expects nothing out of

Kyle And Sara Wester (15:54.208)
and has no we are not saying that. not at all. And so when you're doing those boundaries, you are having a discussion to explain the why behind them and be willing to revise them ⁓ as the relationship and the trust grows and deepens, you know? And so that way then you can really talk about those boundaries are flexible, they can expand. Yeah, yeah, because ⁓ again, you don't want to this fixed mindset of it just has to be this way.
And honestly, if my teenager can come to me with some really good points about why something should change or run differently, that's brilliant because they're gonna be in the workplace, they're gonna be in other relationships. And so ⁓ maybe they do it messy. ⁓ And so I can come back to them and say, you know what, I absolutely don't mind you sharing a different perspective or a different idea. I love that. Maybe there's pieces of that I wanna take and let's do it that way.
but this is how I would like you to present it to me. Because then I'm also doing my boundaries about how I'm being talked to, how we treat each other. You know, those again, are skills they'll take into their adult life. And I want my child to know how to go up to somebody and say, look, you know, a boss or whatever, and say, I know you've been doing it this way, or you've said this, but I have another idea. And so again, it's not who's winning and losing. It's not me just being a doormat.
There's a way to do this that builds a skill in a teenager and I want that skill built. Well, and I love that even I'm thinking the teenager goes, I have something to offer. I hope you're willing to see that. Yeah. And you want your team to believe as they're an adult that they have something to offer. Yeah. So we think setting boundaries is so important. It's actually, it's so loving to set boundaries and the kid wants you to, they just want the boundaries to be flexible and not rigid. And then number five, the last one is stay curious and not critical.
So this is the part of where we're asking open-ended questions. Like, what do you think will happen if this happens? ⁓ Versus saying, you better not do this. ⁓ If you come kind of open-handed and ask that curious question, what do you think will happen if this happens? And then also ⁓ switch your mindset from seeing defiance ⁓ as just communication rather than rebellion or somehow them being bad.

Kyle And Sara Wester (18:8.290)
You know, they're really not rejecting you. ⁓ They're just trying to communicate that they have something else that they think is important. know, another way they would like to do this. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that helps our parent brain to not take things personal and to be able to work with them from a creative space. Yeah. And I love this other quote that you found. It says, you're not raising a child. ⁓ You're mentoring an adult in the making, you know, and we really do believe that. ⁓ I think about that one all the time.
Yeah, you're really trying to release them into the world, ⁓ not trying to like build this robot or somehow make him or her become something you think they should be. But it's really about you're kind of, mentoring, you're discipling, you're consulting with this person who's becoming an adult right before your eyes. ⁓ And you're wanting to do that hand in hand with them in a way that's sustainable for the rest of their lives. Yeah. ⁓ And we just have a few years where we get to play this role in their life. ⁓
And it's hard. It's hard for us to make that switch, you know, because from parenting a child to a teenager is very, very different. So it's hard for us and it's hard for them and it's going to be messy. But we just have a few years to be like, okay, let's get you ready. ⁓ I want to, ⁓ I feel successful when you do make these decisions. Even if they're not perfect. Yeah. And you want them to mess up with you. ⁓ So the five things that would just to recap them, if you're keeping track, number one, create emotional safety.
two, focus on connection, not compliance, three, share the power, four, set clear boundaries with flexibility, and number five, we wanna stay curious and not critical, okay? So we wanna reassure you that letting go of control ⁓ doesn't mean you're giving up influence. That's never something we ⁓ we want, yeah, we really believe your influence is not only important, but it's vital, and the kids that we talk to say they want it. They actually want your influence, okay?
Your teen ⁓ still needs your guidance, ⁓ but they don't need your grip. Okay, they want your guidance, but not your grip. Okay, so we would ask you to just from this discussion, you know, one, try to go back, look at those five points ⁓ and just ask yourself this question. Where am I controlling my teenager out of fear? And where could I start leading them with trust? And then just start implementing that today. Okay, so where am I controlling my kid out of fear?

Kyle And Sara Wester (20:31.990)
and where could I start leading them with trust, okay? So we really hope if you're in midst of this, and I know I'm dealing with a lot of families lately who this is a big issue, and it can be really scary and super frustrating, ⁓ but I hope these five steps help you kind of reset and go back and start doing this differently with your child, because your kid, they really want this relationship to change. They don't want this to keep going on. They wake up every day hoping it's different, but they just feel powerless on how to change it. So.
We think these five steps in particular that we've kind of come up with will really help you move towards that more positive relationship. Yeah, and it's hard. We're there with you. We wish you the best. It's a hard thing, this whole parenting. Yeah, yeah. And if you need further help, you can always reach out at Kyle at artofraisinghumans.com and would love to help coach you guys through this process of really putting this into effect. If you need that extra coaching support, get to help families all throughout the world doing that, and it's a real joy. So we hope this was helpful to you today.
and that you have a great day.

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