Episode 206

Kyle Wester (40:48.417)
Are you a parent with a child who just falls apart over a single wrong answer on a test? Do you have one of those kids who just wants to quit the team after one bad game or a teenager who won't even try out not because they don't want to but because they can't risk failing? Man, I know parents feel so helpless when they're watching this, you know, but I want you to know the kids, they're not lazy, they're not being dramatic.

actually something else is happening. And today we want to talk about what's actually going on and how to build something very crucial in your kid, failure tolerance. And we're going to show you how to do that from the inside out because it is going to be a precious skill and tool that you want to give to your kid before they go off into the real world because they're going to need it because failing is a part of being human.

Now I want to tell you about something really exciting going on in a week from this, the drop of this podcast is Tina Payne Bryson is going to be in Tulsa at Riverfield. And right now they're going to be doing an, an open parent night. there might be a little bit of cost to it. I'm not sure if it's gonna be free or the cost, but it's going to be well worth your money. So be putting that on your account. April 13th. That's a Monday night. She'll be speaking for about an hour and a half or two hours to just any parents, not just Riverfield parents.

but you can come and hear some amazing wisdom from her about how to parent differently, how to really be connected with your kids, and you will not want to miss it. So be checking out our social media on Facebook, on YouTube, on Instagram, all those things where we'll post more details as I get them, but mark it on your calendar, Monday, April 13th. And real quick, if you haven't taken the time to do it, please pause.

rate, review the podcast, leave us some comments about how this podcast is helping you. It's always encouraging to us because you know, we're doing all this for free and we're just wanting to help parents. But it really, when we get those comments, it makes it all worthwhile to us. And it's great to hear your feedback. So look forward to you diving into the subject of failure tolerance.

Kyle Wester (00:01.026)
Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle. Hey everyone, I'm Sarah. And today, Sarah, we want to talk about an interesting topic, okay? It's something that I'm seeing a lot when I'm helping kids. I'm seeing a lot of kids who are really struggling when they lose. And this term can be called failure tolerance, like the ability to tolerate losing a game or tolerate messing up a test and getting a bad grade.

and the ability to do that and not just completely fall apart. Right, right. Yeah. Cause you see, you see a lot of different reactions, which we're going to get into, but kids who can't, who won't try or won't do or fall apart. may not even want to try. Yeah. Whenever they're good. Yeah. You know, I'm going to go learn to roller skate. Nevermind. I'm not going to do it. Yeah. Right. So you're bringing up, was saying like kids who I've seen, they fail at something and they flip out about it or freak out. But you're talking about kids who

won't even try something new because they believe they were. There's different types of failure tolerance. Yes. But that's the topic we want to talk about because I think every parent's thinking, I want my kid to go out and try things and be brave and feel like they can mess up and keep going. Yeah, they can make mistakes and it's not going to kill you. Can lose at Uno to really mess up at something bigger. So we're all aware of this and we want to build it in our child. And we get concerned when we think they can't.

handle it. Yeah, but what we're not talking about, because I know when you bring some of this up, my old school mindset says, are we talking about making our kids tough? Are we teaching our kids to have grits? Yeah, I want them to push through the pain. Right? Right. Is that what we're talking about? No. Okay, we're not talking about that. So it's actually what we're trying to hit upon is helping the listeners understand that failure tolerance is basically the nervous system's ability to stay regulated even when things go wrong. Yeah. Or they just go south.

Right? Right. Okay. And so the kid, if a kid has good failure tolerance, they can feel the disappointment and not be destroyed by it. Right. And every parent who's experienced that you're like, what is happening? Why are they so upset? Right. And then that you want our kids, we want our kids to be able to stay in the game even when the outcome is uncertain. Right. I really, I'd actually like them to play their best in those moments because that's what's, that's what's needed. And also we want them to be able to try again.

Kyle Wester (02:23.66)
without that last failure just becoming part of their identity. Right, right. Yeah. So it's a skill that actually has to be built and taught and it takes time. And so yeah, that's what I love this topic. I think it's so important because we eat, we all even probably know adults who struggle when they lose a game or struggle with failure or struggle to keep going when something hard hits them, when they do fall flat on their face and

And to know that that's something that our nervous system has to learn, our brain has to learn, and we can support this development in our child is just an exciting topic to me. It's even something I think as grownups, we have to continue to sort of develop within ourselves. But to know that, this is something I can give my kids is exciting. Yeah. Well, even like you said, I think it's important for parents, because there's times when parents just give up trying and give up asking their kids stuff because they think it's just going to fail. But I love this quote that you included in the notes, because I do see this reaction a lot.

is kids because they seemingly care way too much, they think the goal is to just not care, right? So I love this quote that failure tolerance isn't about not caring when you lose, it's about knowing you'll survive it. Right. I think that also speaks to, don't know, I think our generation has this a lot, but that when we mess up, we've got to beat ourselves up. You know, it's sort of like, well, that's how you show you care. Sure. That's right. You know, if you're yelling at yourself or your coach is yelling at you or

your suit that's showing that you care. I've seen it with sports. If I have a team I'm supporting and I'm mad they lost and that guy seems like he's okay. Like he's not he's not upset. He's not like you're really mad at himself. I think he doesn't care. Right. And so we have this belief system that that's what shows that we care. So if someone's not doing that, then then they don't care. I want my kid to do that because it shows me they care. Yeah. And that's actually

you know, that's not really true. I know. Yeah. Right. There's other things we can do to show exactly that we care. it doesn't just need to be that. So we're not, I want to just kind of just throw that out and show. And, so we're not saying that kids are just gonna be like, Oh, I lost. Who cares? But they also don't need to mess up and go, Oh, what's wrong with me? I'm an idiot. You know, and do that. So we are talking about

Kyle Wester (04:45.378)
the other approach between those two. Like I said, this is exactly what I'm dealing with with a handful of kids right now, helping them understand that because they're great kids, but when they lose, even when their favorite sports team is on TV losing, they're really upset, right? So let's kind hit upon three types of kids who tend to struggle with failure tolerance. And maybe as listeners, just try to see if you identify this with any of your kids, okay? So the first one we're going to call the melter.

Okay, the melter one mistake equals complete and total shutdown They start sobbing as soon as they have a wrong answer or they miss a goal or somehow they do something wrong socially Okay, their nervous system reads failure as a threat and they just go full alarm. It's just like the alarm has gone off inside It's beeping really loud and it's not manipulation. It's just genuine dysregulation. Yeah. Yeah, so some kids are their nervous system response is

This is terrible. The worst thing in the world. They fall to pieces. They're weeping on the soccer field. They're, you know, just having that big emotional reaction of tears and upset and, it's their nervous system. And I think sometimes we want to shut it down. want to dismiss it. We need to look at that child and go, their nervous system says something really catastrophic happened.

that's how it's responding. It's having this nervous system response. They're no longer in their prefrontal cortex. We talk about the brain all the time. They're back in their limbic system or brainstem saying this is the worst thing in the world. And so we need to look at them and just sort of have that. That's the lens we're looking through of what's going on inside my child right now because they failed at something. messed something Well, we said there it's not manipulation. What do mean by that? How is that? Like why would someone think that's being manipulated?

Well, I think, you know, well-intentioned, but we think, oh, they mess up, they do this, so we won't be hard on them. Exactly. Yeah, Or we Try to get us off their back. Or try to not take responsibility. Yeah. Yeah. And I think sometimes parents are like, oh, I was going to correct him, but now I can't, because he's throwing this big fit. OK. Now I can see it. Totally, he's just trying to manipulate it to get us to feel bad for him or something like that. Right? Yeah. And their brain is just in this self-protecting That's good. Yeah. So the second type of kid, what's titled the quitter.

Kyle Wester (07:09.036)
Right. So as soon as it gets hard, the kid walks away or literally just quits on their team. You know, I just had a kid a couple of weeks ago who I was helping who that happened in a big game. It wasn't going their way. And the kid just went to the bench and just wouldn't play anymore. And this was kind of surprising because the kid wasn't like that, but was interesting and talking to the kid, the kid had never been in a game that important before. So all the other games, the kid had lost a lot of times. Yeah. So the parents were surprised as to why is he acting like this? Because he's lost before, but it was to him, he's never lost a game that.

Right. So so here it's basically like the kid drops the instrument or the drops the spore or the kid just gives up on the friendship Quitting feels like control to the kid Staying feels like guaranteed humiliation, you know, it's like you're just saying I'm in to be embarrassed and look stupid The brain though is actually protecting the kids ego by avoiding the moment of failure So the kids trying to get out of that to try to protect their own sense of self

And I mean, come on, we've all been there. We've all been there where we won't go out and try this thing. We won't go out on the dance floor. won't, you know, like, I was going to learn to ride a bike, but nevermind. And, and I know, you know, those are small examples, but we have all had that almost, I'm not even gonna put myself out there because of the risk to me and how I, who I am as a person, how people will see me. And, and that is legitimate.

Right? That's a legitimate concern that you could have, especially, can you imagine the schools these kids are in and what their peers might think of them? And so these are high stakes for kids, you know, and I think we need to honor that it is high stakes and, go, okay, they're afraid of failure. That's reasonable. And this might be the path they take. might just say, nevermind. Yeah. I'm seeing a pattern here though, that seems very personal to me, Sarah. This is how this is what's happened to me about teams that I really like.

It's like, I feel like when I was my most immature, I did the first one. I was the melter. I would get really upset. And then I feel like I matured, I became the quitter. So I was kind of like, I'm done watching this team. I'm turning this channel right now. And I just didn't want to watch anymore. But now I feel like I moved into the third one, which might be the avoider. So the avoider, which is I won't try what they might not be best at.

Kyle Wester (09:31.822)
Okay, so this kid maybe like a teen who opts out entirely I see this all the time kids not even gonna try out for the golf team We're not gonna try out for because they just assume it's gonna go bad. The kid will say this I hear this a lot too I don't care is often the kids saying I care too much to risk finding out right It's a real defense mechanism to protect themselves failure tolerance here is so low that avoidance feels safer than attempting it Yeah

You know, here, that's what I'm saying about the sports team. I might not even watch the game because I'm like, I don't think my team's going to win. So I don't even want to watch it. And I have struggled with that. I've thought, why can't I still support? I only support them when they win. That seems kind of weird. I should be able to support my team no matter what, but it's almost like I feel like I can't handle it. So why? And then I think, as I'm talking right now, I think there's so many things like even I'm not very good at fix it stuff, right? I mean, your dad's really great at fixing stuff around the house. I'm not.

It was always a bad experience for me growing up. So I don't even attempt it. I don't even want to try it, right? Because I assume it's going to go bad. Yeah. Yeah. I think to put them all three in a row, let's say your child's never roller skated. So at first we have the kid who's going to go out and try to roller skate every time they fall down. They're just a puddle of tears and they're crying and you get them back up, but then they fall again and cry. And then you have the kid who goes out there.

falls once or twice and like, I'm done. I'm done with this. is stupid. it. And then you have the kid who looks at everyone roller skating and says, nah, I'm not even going to give that a shot. And so that's, that's kind of how, and it could be a science project. could be going out for, I don't know, trying out for a play. It could be, you know, in all those categories that you can see those three roles play out. As Sarah is explaining these to you listeners,

Try to identify which one you are. I think I'm definitely the aboider. I think I'm definitely, I think there's, as you're saying that, there's so many things where I'm like, yeah, I'm not even gonna do that. I think it's dumb. I think it's dumb. I don't wanna try it. Cause I assume, why would I do it if I'm not good at it? Right? I just think I, okay, so yeah. Go get someone who is Exactly, I know. So I'm really doing some self-introspection here. So be thinking about which one you tend to go to and maybe some of that's been modeled to your kids or.

Kyle Wester (11:46.508)
which one, maybe you understand that kid in your family that's like you in a similar way, but let's move into now understanding, right? These aren't character flaws. It isn't something that's broken with your kid. This is just, it's just brain science. is neuroscience and there are ways to get better at it. So first of all, we wanna explain that failure tolerance, it lives in the prefrontal cortex, okay? That's where you're thinking that the regulating part of your brain is, that's where we wanna get up to that prefrontal cortex, but when it's online,

the child can feel disappointment and reason through it. Okay, so when the kid is in the prefrontal cortex and they fail, they can take a moment, reflect, that they can feel the disappointment. The disappointment there is probably at like on a scale of one to 10. Maybe it's at a two, three, possibly a four, but they can actually reason through it and say, yeah, that was a really hard team or like we played really well or I'm proud of how I did that day, right? Yeah, they have the sadness. It's fine to have the disappointment. That's a normal human response, but then they're able to move forward.

It's that next step that's possible because of the prefrontal cortex. But then when they get flooded by shame or fear, what we want you to understand is, Dr. Siegel talks about this upstairs-downstairs approach to the brain, that your kid kind of starts going downstairs, the prefrontal cortex goes offline, and now they start moving into the survival part of their brain. And shame is the mechanism that turns failure into collapse. So I want you just compassionately

to be able to see that when it happens to your kid, that when they're doing those three we talked about, it's really just shame saying, ain't gonna go well. There's something wrong with you, or you definitely stink at this. So failure will simply say something like, hey, I got that wrong. Like I messed up that test. I could have studied more, next time I will. But shame says, you are wrong. There is something wrong with you. So like a child swimming in shame,

is unable to access that part of the brain that says, let's try again. Let's give this another try. Right. Because it's an identity. It's an identity of not being capable of being shameful, being... It's wrong with me at my core. It's not just, this thing I can build and grow in. It's, I'm the problem. Yeah. Well, once again, as an adult, the way this works out is like...

Kyle Wester (14:07.17)
there is shame around my inability to do those home improvement projects as well as your dad, right? Is I love my wife, I want to be able to take care of some of these projects and your dad's really good at them, I'm not. So when it becomes even slightly hard, it's just a little bit hard, immediately my brain goes to.

you're gonna prove that you are incompetent and you're incapable of fixing this little thing, you know? And almost like the littler it is, the more shameful it is. Because it's like, it's a big thing, can be like, yeah, I mean that, it a try, I gave it a try, mean sure, but it's like if I tried that little thing and failed at it, it'd be even bigger. And I really relate to kids who feel that, that even if I tried this little thing and I failed at it. So it's good to keep in mind that failure is just an event, but shame makes that event.

identity and that's the difference between a child who tries again and a child who will stop trying okay because the nervous system actually learns failure tolerance the same way it learns everything else through repeated experiences of failing feeling supported recovering trying again I want to put something in here that as I was like going through this and preparing this I think it's really hard for us to watch our kids fail right

And I think there's a piece of this we have to own too of the judgment in the parenting world of if my child goes up and fails at their science project or doesn't land the part or isn't on the first team for some sports or something, right? Then it's like, it's not just my kid. It's I.

I'm a bad parent because if I was a good parent, my kid would win the science fair, would do these things. Right. So I think it's not just our kids who look around and go, man, I can't fail. That says something bad about me. But it's the parents who also look around and go, well, you know, I'm a good parent because my kid can do this. I've given them instead of, we don't have this, we need to have more of a culture of

Kyle Wester (16:19.372)
Yeah, kids go out, we go out, we try things, we learn, we grow, we fail, and this is a good thing. It's building things in our brain that's wonderful. It's gonna help us for the rest of our lives. So it's our kids, but I think there's this parent level to it as well. That's really hard. Yeah, especially in a successfully performance-driven culture.

Yeah, where we define my kid is struggling with math and get to see it means I've done some don't yeah, we don't look and go okay, that kid Yeah, you know math is hard and that this is an opportunity for them to learn how to face conflict and challenges and overcome and it's okay that we can fail at things we're gonna be good at things and fail at things and learn and grow but I really want to nail in that point though Sarah that the way to help your kid through it is the cycle of the kid fails the kid messes up makes a mistake then the kid feels supported by you

and then the kid's able to recover, meaning like their central nervous system's able to relax, calm down, hey, didn't kill you, you're gonna get through this, and then the kid can feel confident in giving it another try, and that's actually what it's gonna take to get really good at things, right? And each completed cycle that we do with our kids like this builds a neural pathway for the kid to tolerate the next time failure happens, okay? And this cannot be taught in a really good lecture.

It'd be great if it could. Like, we could just sit down and explain this to them in a really good lecture, but it's only built through experience that happens over and over again. so they fail. They try, they fail, they try, they fail, they try, they fail, and they get up and they get up. And you know, what's amazing is little babies have this right already. They fall down, they get up and try to walk again. They fall down, they get up and try to walk again. Right? And it's something they learn later. that's not okay to try and fall down. You know? Yeah.

So well and also we do that kind of cycle we go oh you fell down Oh you want to get up again and like the kid even might be crying as they fall Oh, no, you did great like I saw and then might help the kid back up and like we don't think like what is happening Why is my kid falling down because we don't have fear that the kid won't eventually have a lot we trust the kids Actually great mindset about learning to walk but then later in life we kind of struggle with these failures that also need to be repeated and happen over well, let's just identify like

Kyle Wester (18:32.154)
like mistakes that parents make that they accidentally do, us included, that can actually make it worse for a kid to learn this, right? And most parents doing these things, we totally believe, love their kids deeply, but that's exactly why it happens, because we love them deeply and we think this is the best way. So first of all, number one is praise that's too outcome-focused, meaning saying things like, you're so smart after each success. When we do that kind of stuff, we're really praising the outcome.

the child learns their worth is tied to that outcome. And then what that leads to is the next failure feels like proof that they're not smart. So now their identity is threatened. Okay. And the research on this, we know that outcome, outcome based praise creates a fixed mindset, not a growth mindset. So it's kind of like, like I used to think this as a kid, I turned in my paper fast, faster than any other kid in my class, and I got an A, that's because I'm smart.

Right? And then like, man, next time that next year I go and some kid turns it in faster, that means I'm not as smart as that kid. Right? Even though I know sometimes even I sped through the work and I didn't do a great job just to get it in faster. And it becomes all about this outcome based proof that I'm smart because that's what people said. The kid who's done quickest is the smartest. Right? But that effort praise instead of praising the outcome. So praising the effort builds failure tolerance. So saying something like you worked really hard on that.

Right. Would be a great shift. Right. Noticing their perseverance, noticing them trying again. So we want to, I mean, there, there's a piece of this that we all know. My, my child can go out and perform their absolute best, give it their all in a game and they don't have control over the outcome of the game. Right. You could go to a science fair and you could have worked so hard, put in 40 hours of effort and some other kid could win because judges judge a certain way and you don't know what someone else, know, they could also have a good product. So it's not.

We don't want to just praise the kid for winning the blue ribbon. We want to praise the process. We want to notice the things in them, their creativity, the way that they stuck to something, the way they tried again, the they problem solved. Those are the things that we can do. Even in the workplace, whether you get a raise or your performance review, all you can do is show up and work really, really hard. And so we don't want to just be like, oh, well, I'm only a good worker if...

Kyle Wester (20:58.346)
if the boss says I am, Okay, and then the second way is lots of times we want to rescue our child from feeling the failure, right? They want to really keep them from having to the parent sees the kid struggling and you know, we'll step in to fix it. We try to soften the fall, we try to remove the obstacle, okay? And lots of times this feels like I'm being loving, right? It really feels like I'm loving my kid. Yeah, but basically it functions like a message saying you can't handle this.

I don't believe you can, and I can see why kids, especially the kid had become the melter. Like, oh, let me rescue the kid before they blow up. But the child then never completes the whole failure recovery cycle that we just mentioned earlier. then supporting, but like supporting really means staying present with the kid and rescuing means removing the experience. So we don't wanna remove the experience, but we wanna be supportive so we can move through that whole cycle where the kid can learn and grow from the experience. So the third one is,

You mentioned this earlier, you kind of hit upon this, is the parent's own discomfort with failure, right? So we get really just uncomfortable with it. So if failure felt dangerous in your own childhood, maybe your parents didn't allow that or didn't see it as a positive thing, watching your child fail can be so activating, so triggering to a parent, right? And I like the...

I like that sometimes your child actually might not be struggling. Yes, that's true. As much as you're triggered by it. You weren't allowed to mess up in that way. You weren't allowed to get the bad grade and have to deal with it or not turning your homework or whatever it might be. Then trying to let your child have some of these little failures in childhood and grow from them. You're more triggered than I'm even thinking of social situations. Like if you had to be perfect in public and you can never mess up, right? Then the parent might be super anxious.

You say this, you repeat this, or you talk this way, and like if the kid messes up, the parent is the one feeding the anxiety in the kid. Like, these people aren't gonna wanna be your friends. These parents are gonna think bad things about you. Yeah, kids pick up on that anxiety, and so you being triggered and having a big, you know, trains their nervous system to do the like. Yeah, so the child reads the parent's anxiety as confirmation that this is a big deal. This is catastrophic, right? But really, your regulated presence in the midst of that failure

Kyle Wester (23:14.144)
is the intervention that they need. So they need to see you understand this isn't a catastrophe. So I think when those moments rise up for a parent being aware of that within you of like, how come I'm freaking out about this? How come I'm reacting in such a big way? it's because I never thought it was okay to mess up in this way. Right. And we need them to experience that recovery, the failure, the recovery. I think the teen years is especially hard to watch your teens kind of mess up social situations or mess up homework or mess up.

And yet we kind of need to just be there as their guide and as their support in it and not rescue, not catastrophize, right? We have to let them kind of go through this. I really mess this up, but I can recover. It's not the end of the world. The fourth one that I see a lot, and I know I can do this as well, Sarah, is minimizing too quickly. We dismiss it. It's kind of dismissive. It's OK. It doesn't matter. And although it's well-intentioned, the kid feels it as you're just dismissing.

and saying you shouldn't be worried about that. You shouldn't care about this. And the child learns my big feelings are not welcome here. Feelings that aren't witnessed don't get resolved. They go underground. And I'm telling you, I see this time and a time with kids who by the time they're teenagers, they've learned to just hide it, go underground with those. Because every time they bring it up, there is a big reaction from the parent or the parent dismisses it. We're uncomfortable with their feelings. That is our own

we want to make it better or we weren't allowed to have feelings or whatever the story might be, it's us saying shut that down, shut that down. And then when they do, it's like, good. Yeah. Yeah. And so what we want to do instead there, we want to acknowledge the feeling, acknowledge it, and then reframe second, always doing that order. So to tell them, do you mean by that? Like first we're going to acknowledge it, then we're going to reframe it. Yeah. So we don't, we, we have to just.

in our, even with our own discomfort, just let it be for a minute. We need to acknowledge what is happening in this moment. What are you feeling in this moment before we go, okay, how do we want to look at this? What are some other ways to see this? So before we take it, we're moving into that next step. We've got to sit with it. We've got to let that moment be and not rush to the next. If I can share, you know, just, remember when our youngest was in a soccer tournament and it was a long weekend in a different city.

Kyle Wester (25:33.986)
They beat all these other teams. I think they went in pretty confident they were gonna win it. And they didn't win it. And I saw as the kids were walking away, some were crying, but our daughter wasn't crying yet. She definitely looked sad. And when I saw her, I just said, man, that was tough, wasn't it? And then the tears just started to flow. And then I hugged her, right? And as she kind of just sat with that and I hugged her, we walked away, they took some final pictures on the car ride home. That's when the reframing happened. Then she was like.

I think maybe we came in too confident or I think maybe we, you whatever this and like, it was interesting to see how she was starting to work through as she reflected on it because I was able to acknowledge it, be there with her, support her through it. Then she was like, yeah, this isn't fatal. I mean, this is exactly, and then we were able to talk them at home. This is like every team goes through this, you know, every good team loses big games and they lots of times become better because of those losses, you know? So, okay, but here's a great quote. You cannot rescue your child into resilience.

they're gonna have to feel the failure with you beside them. So if you want your kid to become a resilient kid who's able to bounce back from failure, we need to sit with them in it. Don't try to get them out of it. So let's talk about as our parents, as parents, what is our relationship with failure? Because that's really important for us to be aware of that because we're gonna teach that to our kids. So this is the section that lots of us as parents just wanna skip.

So don't skip it, okay? Don't skip it. Stay with me here. Don't skip it, okay? Your child, and I know you know this, and this isn't any guilt trip type stuff, but it's important to remember this. Our children are watching us on how we handle failure every day. Okay, do we as a couple or as on our own, do we talk about our mistakes out loud? Do we admit them? Do we model trying things that we might not be good at? You know, do the kids see us show that kind of courage? Do we repair when we get it wrong?

Or do we just go silent, act like it didn't happen and just move on, right? So kind of be reflecting on how do you typically handle your failure? Now, children will develop this kind of failure tolerance partly through our modeling, right? It's really important that they're watching us go through this. A parent who never admits failure teaches this, that failure is shameful and it should be hidden. And a parent who says, I got that wrong, let me try that again, that teaches that failure is survival.

Kyle Wester (27:57.102)
Yeah, I think this is hard, right? We have to deal with our own messaging. We got us kids from schools or coaches or parents or whatever, and we have to work on those parts of our own failure. And then it's sort of just living it out in front of our children, letting them see that, modeling that, messing up and taking note. was thinking, I don't know that I...

I think sometimes I do have some resiliency and I mess up some home project and I think, okay, well how else could I do this? think you're really good at that. But I think I have to sometimes be real conscious to say, I mean they're watching anyway, but just be like, oh, you know what I noticed? I did that and I wish I would have done that and now I'm disappointed and I'm gonna go do this. I think a great example you do that is like crafts. Like you do crafts all the time with the kids and crafts don't go the way you want it, right? I mean, if you knocked out a perfect one every time.

That's pretty intimidating to the kids, right? But like, you mess up, and like, what are we gonna do with this mess up, right? I remember we used to read that book. Do remember that one book where it was a whole book on turning mess ups into something beautiful. like every page was a mistake, and then they turned into some kind of It was really, really I'll have to share those. Some of those books, they're really great for mistakes and learning resilience. Well, and the truth is, honey, the most powerful failure tolerance lesson our kids will ever receive from us is watching us fail and us stick with it.

Yeah, right. mean, that's really bad again. Yep. And this isn't about performing vulnerability. It's about being human out loud. What I mean by that is it's not about just like faking this, but it's about showing this is what it's like to be human. You know, so I'm not just trying to look all vulnerable and like just perform that. But it is to say when you try throughout life, life is about messing up some of the most courageous, inspiring stories are from the Olympics, not when somebody wins it all, but when somebody

fails at it and still finishes, right? So your child actually doesn't need you or want you to be a perfect parent. They need you to be one that knows how to recover from failure and mistakes. So here's how to build failure tolerance over time. So we want to wrap up with some key things you can be doing, okay? So this isn't just, we're not giving you a script for the hard moment, but more of a long game orientation, meaning like we want you focusing on the long.

Kyle Wester (30:12.966)
We're looking at when our kids leave our houses and go off to college or whatever they're do with their life What have we done in the long game to help them build it and it has to be the long game You can't do this twice. Yes. Yep. It's literally something you'll do all during their childhood all during their teen years You'll keep doing this. Yeah, so we're gonna jump through these these last four pretty quickly four things that build Failure tolerance across weeks months years. Okay, so first one So if you got a pen and paper get ready for this number one stay present in the failure. Do not

Try to fix it. Sit with them. I know this is so uncomfortable, so hard. And I don't really remember my parents doing this all that often, but sit with them in the disappointment without rushing to some kind of silver lining. Right. And that's so many times the kids I'm seeing in counseling and helping kids with this, it's the parents are typically doing this. I know because they love their kids and I want to see their kids suffer. Right. So something like just saying that was really hard. I'm right here with you. Okay. Like all I did was hold my daughter. She cried on the soccer field. Right. I just sat there.

Presence during failure is what wires that I can survive this. I will overcome this. I can live through this. Repair does happen naturally after they feel felt by you. Meaning like they feel like you get it. Number two, let's switch from outcome praise to process or effort praise. Let's not say you were, we're not gonna say you were amazing, but you kept going when it got hard.

Man, that was impressive, right? That noticing of the effort and the process. Yeah, not you're so talented, but man, I watched you figure that out. That was a big problem, right? I mean, I'd love that. That's awesome. This rewires what the child believes their worth is based on, that their worth doesn't come from their performance, but it comes from actually the work they're putting into it, okay? Worth tied to effort equals failure is information, not identity.

And that just makes me think of like being a scientist. I know. I love that. I try to say that too. Like it's okay. The best scientists or businessmen or they failed a bunch and they learn. I know you hear that over and over again. These failures are like, what can I learn? This is great. And number three, let them do hard things and don't smooth the path. Right? Like I know this is thrown around a lot, like lawnmower parenting or even the word like snowflake, these kinds of critical judgmental ways of thinking, but

Kyle Wester (32:40.078)
in parenting this way, like we're actually trying to invite the kid to do something really hard. You know, not trying to just take away all the obstacles. So you're looking at age-appropriate struggle as the curriculum for failure tolerance. So we talked about at little kids, it's getting up and walking, right? It's doing these, that's a very hard thing, right? But that's gonna turn into other, but you're looking at what is the age-appropriate struggle that can help my kid learn this, okay? So things like boredom, conflict with peers.

losing, I'm thinking of video games, losing video games, starting over, these are not problems to solve. They're actually part of the curriculum to help your kid learn failure tolerance. So your job in these moments is to stay regulated beside them and not remove the obstacle. So ask them something like, what do you think you wanna do now before offering solutions? Okay? Yeah, I mean.

I just think, I think life presents so many of these opportunities and we just have to remember to stay present with them and help them through it. And then the repair will come. Life is giving it to them all the time. And number four, think is one of my favorites. I do like this a lot because I've had a lot of great conversations with our kids or even us as a couple debriefing after failure, but only when they're calm. Like you're not debriefing in the moment when they're calm. So not in the moment of the meltdown, but after regulation returns. So you're asking somebody, what happened?

What would you have done differently? What did you learn from it? This is kind of what I did with my daughter on the way back from the soccer tournament, right? So this is the prefrontal cortex exercising and building the pathway it needs to do it differently next time, right? So the kid starts to go, oh, look at that. I learned, and I grew from that moment. That was actually great. And if not done in the middle of the meltdown, I think these conversations are very enjoyable. Yeah. I would say two things to remember when you're going to do that, because a lot of people feel like they can't do it, their kid can't do it.

And the two things you need to make sure you before you enter into these kinds of conversations is your child is truly regulated like back to a really good place. Cause sometimes they're like almost there, but wait, it doesn't matter. It could be that night. It could be the next day. Don't wait forever, but make sure they're truly regulated and make sure you're truly connected to them. Cause if they're not feeling connected to you, they're also not. This is advice for me that I need to keep mine. Keep it short. Keep it curious.

Kyle Wester (35:03.914)
No shame, and this is not a lecture. So I think I know I'm not in the right place, Sarah, when I'm not doing those. When it's I'm going on and on, I'm not really curious. I've already got my mind made up what the kid needs to learn. And so if you're in that state, that means you're not ready for that either. Yeah, because we mean well. We mean like, I need to make sure my kid learns this. We might even be frustrated. like, they need to have these takeaways. And so we move into that, and we kind of lose it in that moment.

Well, failure tolerance isn't built in the moment of crisis, like we're saying. It's not when it's built. It's built in the thousand small moments before it. And that's where you'll start seeing the kid be able to rebound quicker from it, right? Yeah. Okay. So let's talk a little bit. We'll wrap up with a word about the teen who's already avoiding this, because lots of times that is frustrating for a parent, because I'm encouraging them to do these things, but then the teen is kind of closed off. So if your child is already in avoidance mode, just...

just worry it's not too late like this can change. Avoidance is a nervous system protection strategy it's not a character flaw in your kid but you can't logic them out of this you can make the relationship safe enough that they are willing to risk again. I'm telling you sir that's most of the work I'm doing when I'm coaching parents with their teens is helping their teen trust that their parent can handle it.

and their parent can do it, And we have to do our work to make sure we can handle it and let them fail and not feel like this is the end of the world for them. And what they're looking for, every time they fail, they don't want to see you catastrophizing. You want to make sure the threshold lowers slightly, like you're getting less and less freaked out by the failures. Because when the teenagers, it can be pretty scary, right? Every time they quit and you stay curious instead of disappointed,

trust will build. Okay, so just kind of like take it slow, take it easy, you're doing the long game here. Small invitations to try low stakes things, not lectures about, you know, potential at all, right? So you're really talking about, you're just inviting them into little ways to connect, little ways to talk about these things, not the big, big conversation. So start with the small stuff, and we're not talking about what their future potential is, and what their, you know, all the ways they should be growing from

Kyle Wester (37:23.022)
because that does get too big and too personal. Okay so remember this quote a teenager who avoids challenge isn't giving up on themselves okay they're not giving up on themselves they're protecting the self they're not sure is strong enough yet your job is to be the evidence that it is like I am like they're looking in your eyes do you believe they can do it do you believe they can overcome it because many times parents kind of talk two ways they'll get mad that the kid won't

but then they'll tell me they don't believe the kid can. So like, I'll be like, you've gotta believe they can. Why would the kid believe they can if you don't believe they can, right? So failure tolerance, and just wrapping this up, it's not a personality trait. It is a learned capacity. So what we mean by that, it's ability to learn that you have the capacity to fail, to overcome, learn. It's built through feeling failure, feeling supported, then recovering, and then trying again.

So your presence in their hard moments is the very building material that they need to be able to grow from that. It's not about you fixing it. It's not about you being reassuring. It really is just your presence. It's just you being there. And to me, that's relieving. Yeah, it is. We just need to show up, we need to believe in them, care for them, and their brain actually is gonna move in this direction. Yeah, and so you will wrap up with this thought. You don't raise a child who handles failure well.

by protecting them from it. You raise them by being safe to fail around. And so we really hope this was helpful in helping you reframe your thoughts about your kid's failure, but also your own, right? And know that through that process of just falling down, feeling supported, recovering and trying again, that eventually you will find success. So.

Thank you so much for listening and share this with any family or parent. You know who's struggling with this, has such a problem with failure, drives them nuts. Send this to them to help them start seeing it differently because we know failure can feel really scary as a parent because you think you're messing it all up, right? But it's part of living, it's part of growing and we really appreciate you taking the time to listen. So have a.