Episode 171

Kyle And Sara Wester (29:49.922)I want to start this podcast with a big idea that our kids are not responsible for our feelings. ⁓ I know, isn't that a game changer? I mean, if our kids really knew that, if they knew ⁓ that they weren't responsible for how we feel, wouldn't that be ⁓ such a freeing and eye opening realization to the kids? I know it would have been to me as a kid. ⁓ And in this podcast today, we're going to talk about why that's so important.that your kids know this and that we as parents know it and that we do our best not to put that responsibility ⁓ on them. And we're also going to give you five clear easy steps to start using today to change those dynamics. If that's going on in your home and I guarantee it's going on in every home who's listening is ⁓ it's going on in our home too. And we definitely want to follow these five steps as well. Intentionally being aware of these steps to help make sureour kids are able to take responsibility for their own feelings and not ours. And I'm going to share some just personal insight about how this affected my life growing up. Cause this realization was probably one of the bigger realizations I had ⁓ going into adulthood that really freed me to be the dad I am today. So I hope you have a pen and paper ready or you're ready to really listen and dial in and get some great insights into how to change the stance.And if you haven't done it already, we'd love for you to comment, to share, to like, give us five star review. Those are fantastic. Love to hear back from you about how maybe you grew up in a home where you felt responsible for your mom and dad's feelings, because I know many of us did. And ⁓ so I hope today that you're able to listen to the podcast and get a lot from it to really impact and change ⁓ for the good, how you're parenting your kids today.

Kyle And Sara Wester (0:1.326)
Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle. Hi, I'm Sarah. ⁓ And you know, Sarah, a common issue that comes up a lot in us helping parents with like parent kid dynamics, you know, is a lot of times this, ⁓ this thing that we tend to do, I know I have done it and I'm sure at times you have as well, where our feelings become kind of hard to differentiate from our kids' feelings, you know? ⁓ even- Where their actions- Yeah, where they're I know I've even had that thought where we've had a-
a really good weekend plan, something fun. And then one of our kids, especially when they were younger, would get really upset about something. And I would think in my head, you're ruining my whole weekend. I wanted to have a lot of fun and feel happy. And now you're making me mad. Yeah. Yeah. I, I, yeah, I think every parent has had that moment ⁓ where your discomfort, like your child's going through a moment and then your discomfort, you kind of feel like it's their fault that you're having this discomfort.
Well, I wanted to have this talk with you because it is a daily struggle for a lot of parents, one, to be aware that they're doing it, but two, also to talk about the effects ⁓ of what that does long-term, right? Like none of us want to raise kids who are getting into codependent relationships when they're married or codependent friendships, but a lot of that happens because of the codependent ways ⁓ we kind of tie ourselves, our emotions with our kids, right? And so, you know,
Kind of the thing that inspired us to write this was this kind of thought that our kid isn't responsible for our feelings. And why does that matter? Because it has these long reaching effects throughout their life and our relationship with them if we aren't able to see it, understand it, and know what to do about it. Yeah, yeah. I think it's really, really important. I mean...
I don't know. I didn't hear a lot about this in the early parenting, you know, learning of trying to learn to be a parent, ⁓ but no matter what our child does, no matter how our child is behaving or feeling, whatever's going on with them, ⁓ it is, its impact on us is on us. It's our own thing. It's our own ⁓ way of looking at what's going on. It's our own interpretation. It's our own paradigm. It's our own sunglasses that we're putting on.

Kyle And Sara Wester (2:21.804)
because you can see multiple parents with children doing similar things. You and I have been in positions where we see a lot of family dynamics across multiple families. And one set of parents will respond completely different than another. And it all depends on that own, ⁓ that voice in your head, the triggers that are in your head from your childhood, all those things are playing into that moment. But we put that burden on our children. ⁓
Instead of realizing that's about me what I'm even thinking I bet a lot of listeners right now Sarah if they took a moment and thought about ways ⁓ They felt responsible for their mom and dad's happiness ⁓ or they felt responsible for making sure they didn't get mad or upset, right? think all of us have had those moments where we've kind of been tiptoeing around something or or you know I'm thinking of so many stories I hear from kids who I'll be like, why didn't you tell your mom or dad?
Like they're kind of upset. I didn't tell them because I know if I did this, they were going to cry or they were going to be upset or they were going to say, when you tell me that that makes me so sad and the kids be like, well, I didn't want me to do that. I wasn't trying to cause you that. Right. So some of it is tied up in some of that language. I think it's kind of easy to see it when parents are saying, um, you know, you, you made me feel this when you did that. Right. So, so that's a real easy way to see how that parent is telling that kid.
that they are responsible for how they feel. But I think sometimes they even do it in ways that sound healthy. Like when we say something like, you hurt my feelings when you called me that name. oh, I'm being authentic, I'm being honest. Don't we say that, yeah. And I think you could say that in a way that is authentic and honest, but you could also say it in a way where you kind of hook the kid in to say, see what you did to me? You made me feel this way. And I'm just saying you hurt my feelings, but.
really the kid never intended to do that. In many of those cases, the kid is hurting themselves and they say something and really it's our own emotional interpretation and judgment of what the kid did that hurt our feelings. It isn't even lots of times the action. And it's actually really to me really freeing to embrace that, to realize regardless even you, whatever you do, whatever our children do,

Kyle And Sara Wester (4:36.910)
my reaction and my feelings about that is really me. It's my own. Even if you're intending to hurt me, it's still me. I could look at my child and go, they're intending to hurt me because they're a bad kid or because they hate me or because they're struggling. That's still my interpret. I get to do that and, I can do that for my own benefit. I can do that in a way that's going to be healthy for me, or I can do in a way that's going to hurt our relationship even more, make myself feel even worse. And so that gave me a lot of freedom.
to kind of go, wait a second, ⁓ I have some control in this moment of me and how I'm looking at this. ⁓ And it's really not up to them. Well, you can even go back as you're talking. I'm thinking of all the stages our kids have gone through. Like it's kind of easy when they were little babies and they had those sharp.
fingernails and they reach up and they kind of like scratch your face, you know, and as a baby, you'd like, I don't think the baby meant to do that. So you wouldn't be like, ⁓ that hurt. But you say something like that hurt. Use your gentle hands. Okay, touch me like this. You know, you do that. But then I remember as the kids got to be toddlers. ⁓ And I remember one time Brennan, we were at my mom's house and Brennan got upset about somebody hit you.
You know, he kind of like hit you in the like, like, I can't remember where he hit you, but hit you somewhere. And as soon as I saw I felt this emotion pop up in me of like, my gosh, what's my mom gonna think that that happened? What's gonna do? Or you I wanted to be like, you don't do that to mom. But I remember you, you didn't take it on as a personal attack on you, even though it clearly looked like one. And you were just like, Brandon, you seem scared or you seem upset. And then Brandon was like, Well, I am and he started to tell you. And then you at the end just said, Hey, when you feel you don't need to hit me, just tell me.
And I was like, Oh, that's so interesting. Cause it would have been really easy for you to go when you hit me, it really hurts my feelings. And you could have easily made it into this guilting kind of shaming thing to try to make Brennan feel bad about what he did. And, and, and that's where I, put in our notes to really clarify this. It's not saying you're given a free pass to what the kid did. not like, it's like, you don't need to address the fact that Brennan hit you. It's just this idea that I quickly need to go and let Brennan know he hurt my feelings that Brennan hurt me.

Kyle And Sara Wester (6:42.446)
⁓ And I've got to be aware, is my intent to just shame the kid? Is it to somehow guilt them into not doing it? ⁓ Or am I really curious about what caused that? Like how were they hurting and that's why they lashed out? Yeah. ⁓ And you're just going to respond in a way different space. ⁓ If it's about me now and my feelings and things, I'm going to respond from a different space than just.
curiosity and what's going on with him and how can I help him in this moment? Because clearly something is there for him. So when we say your child isn't responsible for your feelings, what we're trying to convey, ⁓ means we don't put the weight of our emotional state on them. It's not their job to take care of my emotions, right? And I'm telling you, some listeners might be saying, well, yeah, duh, that makes sense. But that's hard to do because it's not as if...
what they do does not have an impact on us. We're not talking about being robots and like we can just, ⁓ it's always still gonna impact us, but it's not their responsibility to fix it or to change it. ⁓ Yeah, if my teenager talks to me when I don't like, it still helps me to think, well, ⁓ the fact that I don't like this and what I need to do about myself and taking care of myself in that moment.
has really kind of nothing to do with her, even though I prefer to talk in a different way, we'll get back to that. But still me taking care of me in that moment based on what happened is my job. It's not, you need to talk to me different so I don't have to ever feel that way. Yeah. So we're talking about in that moment, later on you might have a discussion, later on you might follow up to say, but in that moment we want to make sure we're differentiating.
Like this is not about me. The thing that teenagers, it's not about me. It's about them communicating something. And if I cannot take it personal, if I can pull back a little bit and then see it for what it is, it's just a way in which they're communicating and I don't like it. Yeah. So we'll change that. Well, we focus on that later, but now what is it they're trying to say really? What is it they're trying to communicate? They're, it's not their job to make me happy or to make me ⁓ not feel sad in this moment. It's their job to express what they're feeling and then I can help guide them.

Kyle And Sara Wester (8:54.764)
on how to do it differently in the future. But let's shift to why this happens. ⁓ Why do we get into this thing with parents, where we do feel responsible for it? And I think many of us were raised in homes where we did think it was kind of our job to keep our moms happy or to not upset our dads. I know that's kind of a stereotype, but in most homes I knew that's what it was. It was to keep your mom happy and then not upset dad. I think it's a pattern that...
has been generational ⁓ and ⁓ it's not even to, ⁓ again, we say this all the time, but it's not to be like, my parents are terrible or your parents are The generation before us were just awful people. That's not the point. It's not to shame them or anything. It's to say, hey, we're noticing something ⁓ and we do it too ⁓ where that seems to keep going. And it's...
you know, the wait till your father gets home. Yeah, right. So it's basically, hey, you'd better act a certain way and be a certain thing and do a certain thing so that he's not going to be. What it looked like in my home, it was like on a Saturday morning, dad waking us up. ⁓ Your mom is so upset at how dirty this house is. ⁓ You guys need to clean this or your mom's going to be very upset when she gets home. Right. And so there was like, my God, like we've got to clean it. It wasn't like clean it because cleaning is good. was like clean it. So mom doesn't feel overwhelmed and stressed.
Yeah, we're the children are now the the big issue with this is the children become the caretakers for the parents feelings Yeah, ⁓ and they become in a way the puppet masters for the parents feelings You know, like the parent our parents are just at the whatever your kids do dictates how you're going to be that day and how you're going to feel that day and Obviously, that's just not a very healthy place to be You can instruct your children in lots of ways without them being responsible for your feelings and your reactions. Yeah, you're not at their mercy. Well
Well, and I know you put down in the notes too about this kind of brings up the myth of kind of the good children and the good children quote unquote good kids are the ones that are really good at helping manage the adults emotions, you know, they're the ones that can read that the parent looks so they're going to act good. They're going to follow the rules. They're not going to upset the apple car because mom or dad seemed to be on edge today. Yeah. You see your parent come in from work and you, know, right? Kids, kids are better at this than adults are. Kids are so good at going, Ooh,

Kyle And Sara Wester (11:15.340)
I can feel it. Mom or dad had a bad day at work or mom and dad are fighting ⁓ or whatever the situation might be. They can pick up on that and not every kid, but kids will feel like, okay, I got, I got tiptoe Okay, I'm to do this because they're caretaking for the parent. ⁓ Well, lots of times even siblings. remember a sibling's talking about that. Mom and dad are not in a good mood. Like, yeah, you ⁓ tell your other sibling, shut up, acting like that. Like you're upsetting them. You know, and it was all this like all we had such
It seemed like to really blow everything up But somehow we didn't have the power to fix everything and that kind of brought me into the you know I was thinking Sarah's I looked over this idea of what we're gonna teach you that share today is you know growing up as a kid there were these moments where my parents would have a lot of fighting a lot of arguing in the house and things were very Conflictual and there was a time between second to third grade with my life where there was a lot of fighting up until then I've been this really active kid who was
you know, a normal shaped kid, know, thin active boy. ⁓ But that summer I ballooned, I got so overweight. And I remember thinking of from that second to third grade summer when I heard all that fighting, you know, one of the things that my mom was so good at was cooking home cooked meals. So she would not only work a full time job, but she come and cook too. ⁓ And I remember lots of my siblings would complain, they always want, I didn't want this mom or I'm kind of tired, or they would hardly eat anything. And I would purposely,
want to eat not only one and tell my mom how great it was, she's good cook. So it'd be like lasagna or something, but I'd have two, maybe even three helpings because I saw how much my mom seemed to enlighten her load. Like she felt good that she was able to do something, even though life was chaotic, even though the family was stressful, she could make a good meal for their kids. And then, look at this one kid really seems to love it and eat it. And that kind of is what lots of people talk about they talk about emotional eating.
is I was trying to do my best by getting good grades, by eating the food my mom made, by not causing problems at home. I tried to keep the peace as much as I could as like a good middle kid should. Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna take care of things at home. And it's just instinct for kids. They can feel what's going on in the environment and they're going to do things to try to take care of that. so...

Kyle And Sara Wester (13:35.630)
I don't think any parent can do this perfect. We're going to have days and our kids are going to pick up on that. They're going to be very sensitive to our emotions. It's, think it's, we just need to be really, really aware that what we're feeling, what we're going through, children kind of automatically put it on themselves. And they often even blame themselves. If I were a better kid, this would be, and mom and dad wouldn't be fighting. Or if I were this or.
They often take that responsibility on even when we don't mean to we don't want them to take it on and they just happen to So we want to have that radar up. We want to be very aware of it Yeah, and kind of doing that reminder that this is not your job and reminding ourselves Where am I doing that? Make sure the message I'm sending It's not your fault that this is upsetting Well, and for anyone listening this saying like you experience this or maybe this happening in your home ⁓ I just want you to hear that that actually
When I went to counseling in my 20s for the first time ever, it was because my parents were getting a divorce. And as I went spoke to this counselor, the most freeing thing that counselor told me that even inspires me today to help people ⁓ is he listened to me for two whole sessions, just talk about ⁓ all of these ways in which I feel responsible for my parents' divorce and what's going on and ways in which I could have done it better. And he said this very simple thing that now seems like, well, of course, but he said, you're not responsible for all
You're not responsible for your parents happiness. You're not responsible. Why don't you just focus on what you're responsible and take responsibility for that? And that was actually life changing for me at that time because I was taking on all the stress and all of just all the weight of what my parents were going through, even in my 20s. So I look back at how not knowing this thing we're teaching kind of formed me from second grade all the way to mid 20s, you know, to where then I was finally able to go.
I'm not responsible for all this. I didn't cause any of this, you But I looked at almost all my decisions throughout childhood. ⁓ Even a lot of the good ones were to help with this problem, to make it lighter for my parents so they didn't feel so overwhelmed. And partly, part of that helped me become a very thoughtful, kind kid. ⁓ But the negative aspect was I carried on a lot of weight for many, years physically and emotionally that was not mine to carry.

Kyle And Sara Wester (15:52.598)
And I think there's a difference you can say, okay, yes, everything we do impacts those around us. And we want to teach our kids that we do have an impact on those around us. ⁓ That is different than them being responsible. And I think as a parent, it serves us and them to ⁓ not have them take that responsibility, you know, and to remind ourselves and them that they are not responsible. I can take care of me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And this word here, ⁓ this idea of emotional fusion, we discussed, ⁓ it's when a child's behavior is tied too closely ⁓ to a parent's sense of peace or self-worth. ⁓ And we really don't want our kids believing their behavior is tied to that. ⁓ And really when they know that, it actually frees them to focus on how to cultivate their own sense of peace and self-worth. And that's why we're talking, ⁓ this idea of,
letting them be responsible for themselves is the goal instead of them being responsible for me. ⁓ Yeah and we probably all if you take a moment and think where did I feel responsible as a kid for my parents well-being in any way and and then I know I think about that I think ⁓ not even if my parents said it I felt it you know and and spoken in unspoken ways and then
how I do that now as an adult, even though don't mean to do my own kids and like, Oh, think that's sending that message. Sure. Well, I need to change that. mean, think we send it inadvertently. Sometimes I'm thinking every day in some way, right? I even like here's some basic statements we came up with some kind of guilt laced ones that happened in everyday real life that I'm sure every listener can relate to. And once again, I probably do this a few times a day, right? Where I worked all day and you can't even help me. You know, like I, if I haven't said it, I've definitely thought it, you know, I've come home and I've thought,
Why is this not done? You know, I've done all this work today. You can't even get off the couch to go do that, you know, or I'm so disappointed in you. This has ruined my day. ⁓ You know, ⁓ and I hear a lot of teenagers, a lot of kids tell me these kinds of stories where they're just confused how they were able to do this. ⁓ You know, they'd like, I was just playing or I just forgot. They know it's about that. And like, I was just doing this thing and then the parent takes it very personal. feels.

Kyle And Sara Wester (18:7.606)
it can feel very personal. When you say they do, especially when they're young, they do. But then as they get into teenagers, have they heard it enough? They don't. And it's sometimes in counseling teenagers, you're trying to unwire that and say, no, you're not responsible for that. Like I know mom and dad said that, but that's actually not your job to fix that. It's their job. And so you can impact it for sure. I'll tell them you have an impact, but you don't control that. You know, you can do everything quote unquote right, and they could still feel really crappy. Yeah. ⁓
Then the other one is where we kind of like over personalize their behavior. That might be another way. So we may do it through these guilt-laced statements, but when we over personalize it's saying you're being disrespectful when really they're just dysregulated, right? So like a lot of times the parents are using that term, like you're being so disrespectful. It turns around about me, how you're treating me. Instead of us going like that kid is just really dysregulated. That kid in this moment's overwhelmed. That kid in this moment feels really upset and stressed. And I know even in our marriage, when I feel that way,
Sometimes I don't say things in most respectful way, but it's like ⁓ once we regulate we go back We apologize we make amends and then we learn how to you know, try to make that happen less and less Yeah Okay, and then the third one was reactions that stem from ego or fear, you know So wanting obedience to feel in control or to be seen as a good parent Yeah, so a lot of kids will feel I know I've had some kids who are super resistant for many years of like say thank you Say thank you. Why are you acting like that?
look at them in the eye, you know, and the kid has just had this like, and really it's this parent saying, you're making me look bad kid. Yeah. ⁓ Well, we have definitely felt that. Well, especially you feel eyes on you or you feel all the sun and everyone's like, ⁓ how are you going to handle this? Look what your kid just said to you. You know what? Look what your kid's doing. ⁓ And, that it feels very much like an attack. And sometimes even people are judging you.
Come on, every listeners had that like, Oh, yeah, that sucks. Yeah, it all of a sudden out of the blue, throws this big tantrum makes a huge deal out of nothing. And you're like, what is happening? And oh, shoot, we do this for a living. We should be really good at this. So I tell parents all the time that I'm coaching, you know, man, just this last weekend, we were at the pool and this happened and I was like, so embarrassed or so nervous. And then I did try to make it my kids problem. Instead of me.

Kyle And Sara Wester (20:21.932)
just regulating, realizing they're just being a kid, and we can talk about how to do this better next time, but that's not what this moment is about. This moment is about just helping them be able to transition and get back home, and we can discuss how to do this differently. So let's get into those answers. We want to give you guys hands-on solutions, ⁓ five steps on how to own your own feelings as a parent and not make it their responsibility. So first step is you want to first ⁓ name it to own it. ⁓ What is that about, Sarah? ⁓
Yeah, that's kind of just that it's a huge thing for our brain. It's a huge thing for any change you're going to do in life is just to kind of be aware of it. So you just want to name it. You just want to take that second to pause, even if it's after the fact. Sometimes we're down the road before we realize it and just go, okay, this is what I'm feeling. This is what's happening for me in this moment. I need to name it. And the second you do that, even your brain starts going, Oh, okay. And it changes things and how you're handling, how you're going to look at it. Yeah. Well, as soon as you do it, it starts to turn.
What's my responsibility about this? Like you didn't cause this. And then almost 100 % of the time, once I name it, ⁓ once I own it, I see there's a story behind it. Like, that's kind of what my parents would say to me. Or when they said that, I interpreted it this way, right? And so a statement there might be, you've taken some time, you've regulated, you come back and say, I feel overwhelmed and I need a minute. ⁓ So in that moment, you're needing to step back. You just say that instead of like, you're making me feel this or you're ⁓ feeling overwhelmed, I need a minute.
⁓ Okay, so that'd a good way then to step away and then be able then to go on to step two which is pause before you react Yeah, yeah, there's a lot of power in that pause and again ⁓ man, this is such good modeling for kids cuz man if our kids in the heat of a moment Which they're not gonna be we're not good at it They're definitely not gonna be good at if they could just realize what they're feeling pause before they react to their friend their sibling their us and you will anything so same thing just just
If you can train your brain, you get better with practice, know what you're feeling, take a pause. You can be intentional and not reactive. And once again, this works great in marriage too. So all this works great in marriage. So basically take a moment to check and think, is this about them or about me? ⁓ And almost 100 % of time it's about you. It's about you and what you're perceiving in that moment.

Kyle And Sara Wester (22:41.294)
⁓ That's what you want to be aware of. mean, it's important to know what the other person's going through, but I mean, you're starting places. Whoa, what's this pulling up in me? Why am I so mad or why am I so, ⁓ you know, yeah. So the third one is use I language such as I'm feeling disappointed versus you. You've disappointed me. Okay. So I think that's real simple. think a lot of people have heard that type of understanding that ⁓ the you pointing the finger and blaming them. That's not
you taking responsibility. So I want to say I'm feeling disappointed because then the next one will wonder why I'm feeling disappointed. What is it that's disappointing me? ⁓ What am I perceiving this moment that's causing that feeling to pop up instead of once again blaming them and saying you did this to me? And you just want to be super cautious ⁓ sometimes. ⁓ Our wording can come across still even in those I statements. ⁓
can still kind of come off as a blame. I feel disappointed because you didn't do whatever. ⁓ And it's really not that you want to keep it very centered on you because it really is. If my child doesn't bring in the trash bins. What? I've never gotten upset about that. could take it very seem to be calling me out. Someone might take it personal as if they're not loved or cared for because the trash bins were forgotten.
Another parent might go, yeah, they have to hit here at 5,000 times in context. They haven't heard that many times, so that's why they haven't gotten the trash bins in yet. So it really, really is. ⁓ Just remember, it could be interpreted in a lot of different ways. Your interpretation is your own. Yes, no, I definitely did take that person. But anyway, number four, separate behavior from identity. So an example of that would be, I didn't like the way that went instead of saying, you made me feel bad. Yeah.
separate behavior from identity. love this one because usually you both agree that that wasn't lovely and you don't want to repeat it. So there's a lot of power in that we use that kids use that you know it's such a great thing to be able to go oh you know that didn't feel very good. I didn't like the way that went. I didn't like that. What can we try different next time? It's a question that parents love it. Lots of times they'll be like how do you do the follow up with them and I would just follow up sit with the kids and say did you like how that went? Yeah. And almost every time the kid says no. I didn't either and then I'd say

Kyle And Sara Wester (24:55.246)
⁓ What didn't you like about it? And then, and then they'll tell you, I didn't like how you were screaming at me and blaming me for everything. ⁓ But what I love about that is it does take the power out of this battle between you guys. Suddenly you're on the same side going, at that thing that just happened. You didn't like it. You're on the same team now making it different next time instead of still pointing the finger at each other. So I just, I really love how that changes the energy and the dynamic of that conversation. Completely. And then step number five, do your own emotional work.
And so that goes to doing therapy, journaling, ⁓ really healing that inner kid in you, talking with a partner. ⁓ Doing this work is so important because then the child doesn't carry what you haven't dealt with. guys, mean, such a good picture of thinking of it like baggage, right? We've heard of that kind of idea, that metaphor. You don't want to give your kids your baggage, you know? If you're doing the work yourself, you're doing your own emotional work, your own emotional healing, you just have less.
baggage to give them. You'll notice you're less likely to do those other things we just said ⁓ not to do. Yeah. Yeah. And we're all going to have stuff. Our parents had stuff, their parents had stuff. So we're all going to have stuff. Let's just do our best to see it ⁓ and pass on as well. And the biggest thing that you're doing when you do those five steps ⁓ is when you own your own feelings, you actually teach your child how to own theirs too. I mean, that's the ultimate goal is you want to raise kids.
who aren't going around treating people badly. You're one of the ways kids who take responsibility when they treat people in ways that they don't want to be treated and they can own that and then do something about it. So I want to just review those five. So five were number one, name it to own it. Number two, pause before you react. Three, ⁓ use ⁓ I language instead of you language. ⁓ Separate the behavior from the identity and then do your own emotional work. Okay.
So this matters so much, Sarah, because we really want to have homes ⁓ where there is this emotional safety and trust, you know, that everybody is ⁓ able to take ownership of what is theirs instead of us blaming the other and putting each other in charge of that. So this whole process really models emotional maturity, ⁓ models resiliency, it frees our kids to be honest and perfect, allows them to just grow at their own pace rather than having to like take responsibility for our growth.

Kyle And Sara Wester (27:16.726)
And it also prevents future people pleasing, which is huge. ⁓ It prevents those shame cycles that so many parents and adults come to counseling for. And it also prevents emotional avoidance. You lot of parents, you're probably seeing this with teenagers who shut down and don't want to talk about their emotions. They don't because they don't want it to impact you. Yeah, yeah. They're like, I learned a long time ago that if I do this, I don't know what's going happen with you. And so they can't. So they just store it inside.
And I love this powerful question. So I wanna kind of end with this powerful question. What might change if your child didn't have to protect you from your own emotions? And trust me audience, I'm asking myself that same question. ⁓ I mean, ⁓ so many things would change if my kids didn't feel the need to protect me from my own emotions, right? And so if you get anything from this, I hope you take time to just ponder and reflect on that question.
and see how that might shift what you're doing on a daily basis with your kids. And of course, we want to remind you that you are responsible for your emotional world, your child is not, and that's not a burden, but it's a gift to both of you. It's a gift, because you someday don't want to be responsible for theirs. You want them to grow up where everyone's able to take their own. And ⁓ we'd love for you, if you know families going through this, definitely take time ⁓ to invite them to listen to this episode.
share with them. I think this would be a great one to share if you've got grandparents involved who are open to growing. Maybe they have a lot of time with your aunts and uncles who spend a lot of time with your kids, right? And there's been discussion about this, right? It'd be good to listen to this podcast and understand how you guys as a family can all learn how to own this instead of blaming the kids for our emotions. Yeah. Yeah. It's so powerful. Yes. Yeah. ⁓
It's work we're doing every day. Exactly. So we hope this was very helpful to you, hope it empowers you to change this dance in your family ⁓ and brings more freedom to your relationship with your kids. So thank you so much for listening and we hope you have a wonderful day.