By Sara Wester, LPC - @artofraisinghumans
One of the biggest struggles parents face as their kids grow into tweens and teens is the sudden shift in communication. Where you once had a child who excitedly shared every detail of their day, you now have a tween or teen who responds with one-word answers, shrugs, or even complete silence. It can feel frustrating, even hurtful, but the truth is—this is normal.
To be honest, this shift can bring some sadness and anxiety to us, as their parents. We're happy for their growth and development, but there can also be a sadness for what is left behind. Anxiety can also creep in and tell us we're losing them. We want that close, fun relationship, and this threatens that dream. Take care of yourself and whatever feelings you may be having at this time. Try to be aware of these and how they may be impacting your approach with your child. (Hint: they won't help.) 🥴
As kids grow, they naturally seek more independence. But that doesn’t mean they don’t want or need connection with you. It's a myth that they don't want or need you at this point in their life!
The key is shifting how you approach communication. Instead of trying to force conversation, focus on creating an environment where they feel safe and comfortable opening up on their own.
Here are three actionable steps to help you reconnect with your tween or teen:
1. Create Low-Pressure Moments
Tweens and teens often resist direct questions, especially if they feel put on the spot. Instead of sitting them down and asking, “What’s wrong?” or “How was your day?” try engaging in activities where conversation can flow naturally.
Go for a drive together—without screens or distractions.
Cook a meal together or invite them to help with something around the house.
Play a game or engage in a hobby they enjoy.
Simply sit near them and be present, without pressuring them to talk. Just your presence matters.
When you remove the expectation for conversation, they often feel more comfortable opening up.
👉 Try saying: “I love hanging out with you, no need to talk—just glad we’re spending time together.”
2. Validate, Don’t Fix
As parents, it’s natural to want to jump in and solve our kids’ problems. But when tweens and teens share something with you—whether it’s a tough day at school or a conflict with a friend—what they need most is to feel heard, not fixed. Often times, they actually know what you're going to say anyway. 😬Instead of offering immediate advice or solutions, focus on validating their feelings.
Acknowledge their emotions without judgment.
Avoid minimizing their struggles, even if they seem small to you.
Ask if they want advice before giving it. Keep your mouth shut if they just want you to listen. Don't underestimate the power of listening! 👂🤫🤐
👉 Try saying: “That sounds really frustrating. Do you want to talk more about it, or just vent?”
This approach reassures them that their feelings matter and that they can come to you without fear of criticism or a lecture.
3. Let Them Lead
Sometimes, the best way to encourage communication is to give them space. If your tween or teen isn’t opening up, don’t push them. Instead, let them know you’re available whenever they’re ready. When they do start talking, resist the urge to interrupt or take over the conversation. (Remember: listen!)
Be patient and wait for them to share in their own time.
Respect their need for privacy while also staying engaged.
Keep the door open for future conversations by showing you’re a safe and supportive listener.
👉 Try saying: “I’m here whenever you feel like talking—no pressure.”
The Power of Modeling
Kids learn more from what we do than what we say. If we model respectful, open communication, they’re more likely to respond in kind. Show them through your actions that listening, patience, and respect are valued in your home.
By creating a safe, low-pressure space for them to share, validating their feelings without rushing to fix, and allowing them to take the lead in conversations, you’ll strengthen your relationship and keep the lines of communication open.
💡 Want more insights on strengthening your connection with your tween or teen? Check out our podcast Art of Raising Humans!
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If you want some parent coaching to help you with time-ins (and more strategies!) to strengthen relationship and build skills in your children, please contact us or schedule a session below.
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