Episode 209

If you have a teenager at home, is your teenager ready to go into the quote unquote real world? Do you think they have the skills in place they need to be successful in this sometimes chaotic and crazy place that we call life? Well, today we wanna dive into not only helping you with your teenager, but also with your younger kid to think about the 10 things that we have come up with. We come up with 10 specific.

things that would be great for you to impart to your kid prior to them graduating. And it's never too early to start thinking about this conversation. So whether you have a kid about to graduate, that's awesome, or a kid who's still way back in elementary school, these 10 are gonna be really thought provoking ideas that are big ideas that I think you're gonna say, man, I want my kid to have that when they leave our house. And who knows, you may have some other ones that are fantastic too that we have not thought about, because this is,

not a comprehensive list, it's just a real practical list to give you 10 to start thinking about right now because we know the school year's closing soon and we want to give you those tips before they leave your house, go off to college or whatever else they're going to be doing after they graduate. if you haven't already, take a moment to stop, pause. We really appreciate the five star reviews. It really helps other people find the podcast. Also share this podcast with other friends you know who have teenagers who are

you know, in high school or getting close to thinking about these ideas, it'd actually be great for your teenager to listen to this podcast with you, see what their thoughts are. Maybe we're missing something. Maybe there's something they wish they knew. And that might be really helpful in your conversation with them. So I know this, this episode be very helpful to you prepare for that big, big life event that maybe some of us are excited about. Some of us worried about or scared about or sad about, but it's going to help your kids be more prepared for it. So sit back today, have a great time and enjoy.
 

Kyle Wester (00:00.942)
Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle. Hi, I'm Sarah. And today, Sarah, you know, we're thinking about a lot of kids as this message, this episode's dropping. A lot of kids are about to graduate. Okay. Or they're heading into their senior year because that's what kind of hit it for me. Okay. Yeah. We're thinking about kids that we know that are getting to that spot. Summer's coming and you're thinking, oh man, okay, I got to make the most of this. I've only got one or two years left or my kids headed off and I've only got three months left.

you know, you're thinking about this. And so if you have a teenager that's getting closer to graduation, you may be asking a deeper question than whether they are ready for college or work. You may be asking whether they're ready for life. honestly, this list is important for more than just if you have an older kid, because as I was kind of working through this topic, these are things we want to be building.

for years. Well, it's almost like graduation just makes you start going, I to think about this. It kind of puts that extra pressure on for sure. Because actually by then you're thinking, I missed it. Right? Yeah. And you're your scrambling. Well, and then you're just your influences kind of just a lot less. Right? when your kids are younger, this one's pertinent to be thinking about how can I weave this into my just regular rhythms with them. Yeah. So we want to talk about 10 important things that we've identified to help your kids be ready for life, relationships, responsibility, independence.

and hopefully they're learning all of this before they graduate. Yeah. it's not going to be exhaustive. Obviously everyone knows one way. These are like the highlights for me, the 10, but I would, I'm really curious how other parents think. We'd love to hear. Yeah. To it. We're always loving that. It's definitely not comprehensive, but it is going to have some, it's 10 kind of practical, emotional and relational things that we hope our teens are learning before they do step into adulthood.

It's not a pressure-filled checklist but as a way to think about the kind of person that we are helping Shape and the kind of relationship we want to keep building with them and so you've heard Sarah and I talked about this in the last week's episode about finishing the school year again that we're very we want to be intentional want to be very intentional about Like when our kids are leaving so like you were saying if you've got younger kids be thinking about this What is it you're wanting is is is one of the things that you think is important in this list of ten? And if not reach out to us

Kyle Wester (02:20.622)
and let us know. Okay. So let's start with number one. Okay. I this is a very, very, very good one is we want our kids to know you do not have to know your whole future right now. Yeah. As I real quick, you know, everyone comes up and goes, what are you? What grade are you in? What are you going to do? And it starts so young, you know? And, um, and there's a piece of it where you've got to be thinking about this because you're wanting to get them into the right things. But man, I try to tell my kids often it is, let's have some ideas. Let's have some plans.

but it can shift, it can shift when you're 25, it can shift when you're 45. People change, people grow, and that's okay. You're just thinking, okay, this is what I'm moving into right now, but I don't have to have a perfect plan for the next 80 years. Yes, I know, and lots of kids will tell me when I'm counseling them, they feel that pressure. it's real. And they think every other kid has it figured out. So there can be a lot of pressure that your teenager might be feeling to make every decision.

that makes every decision feel so permanent. Like if they make a wrong one, it's gonna be a huge disaster. But we know that growth comes through experience. know, what I've done, Sarah, that's been fun is sometimes have the parents share their journey with me and they realize their journey was kind of up and down. It wasn't a straight line, right? And so it wasn't about certainty, which is what I think lots of parents are wanting, like certainty about their future, but it isn't. Unfortunately, it's just not. Their future isn't certain. It's gonna happen through experience.

Now, clarity that we're wanting to help the kid have usually comes from them just moving forward and taking the next step, but it's not about having it all figured out. And we want our teens to be able to move forward with courage and not panic. Yes. You know, because that's when they are going to make stupid decisions. So I think this is an important one. Yes. So number one, you do not have to know your whole future right now. I'm thinking if you don't have a teen listening, you should have your teen listen to this because it'd be great.

If you're a teen listening to this right now, you do not. You don't have to know your whole future right now, okay? Number two, knowing how to ask for help is a strength. know, maturity includes knowing when you are overwhelmed and then asking for help from teachers and bosses and coaches and counselors, friends or parents. It's not weakness. And so self-advocacy really does matter if you want to become a successful.

Kyle Wester (04:44.748)
I am surprised by this. I'm surprised and not surprised at same time when that age, high school, early college, how hard it is to ask for help. I think there's maybe so much pressure on being independent or knowing things. Self-reliant. And sometimes they're willing to ask their friends. But even there, there's hesitation. But it's not only is it OK to ask for help. I want to add that let me teach you how to ask for help.

How do we figure out the people we should go to for help? How do we approach them? How do we get people to come alongside us? That's so important. We talk about community and all those things being so important. so I see this one. There's some training there. You don't just fall into knowing how to reach out for help. Yeah. I have to emphasize this a lot to teenagers that independence does not mean doing everything alone. A lot of times people think, I want my kid to be independent. Some parents, I think, fall into that trap.

Independence isn't you doing everything by yourself. It's actually you feeling capable to do things and to try new things, but you still are always gonna need help. Yeah, and you got financial aid coming up. You've got college and what careers and classes and what teachers would be good. And there's so many opportunities to go, who can we reach out to to assist us with this? Yeah, and that's actually what I think really smart people do, is they know how to obtain resources and they know how to network.

to then be able to get that. And that kind of collaboration that happens and things. So all of that falls in this category and I love that one. So number two is knowing how to ask for help. Knowing how to ask for help is a strength. Number three, we want our kids to know you are responsible for your life, but you are not alone. So adulthood does bring ownership. It does bring more responsibility, but it should also include support, belonging and connection.

We want teens to learn both accountability and this is kind of what I was alluding to in the last one, interdependence. So the ability to know that we're here for you. There's things that we as parents have that we can help you with or that other person, the other friend can help you with or that teacher could help you with that. We are in these interdependent communities where we're all there to help support one another to succeed. Yeah. And you got these teenagers, these people, may be

Kyle Wester (07:02.86)
You have one that's hesitant. You may have one that's out the door already and you're like, Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down. But no matter where they're at, you can still send them the message that they belong. Right? We're cheering for you. We are here. We're your big fan base and just know you always belong. We always love you, want you. And that gives them that sort of back that, that ability to believe in themselves to go, okay. I can step out because I've got this landing base.

I've got this place I can go back to when I feel shaky, when it's scary out there and you're not truly alone even when you're stepping out there. That little two-year-old that looks back to make sure they haven't gotten too far from you. You're still doing that for your young adults. Responsibility is important. We want our kids to know how to take responsibility, to be able to hold that weight of responsibility, but responsibility without relationship is crushing.

Once again, I've used this metaphor before. It's like asking our kids to go bench press without having a spotter. And so we wanna know you have a spotter and we are there to spot you and the spotter's in there to pick up the weight for them, but to say, hey, we won't let that weight crush you. Number four, how you handle emotions matters. Big emotions do not make you weak. What matters though is learning to notice, name, regulate.

and then respond in a healthy way to the emotions. And emotional maturity is not emotional perfection, but it is about you understanding your emotions and knowing what to do when they start to become big and overwhelming. And I mean, that's going back to that community and we're here for you. I don't know how many times, Sarah, in college when that happened to me, giving a call to my mom and having conversations with my mom or having a good friend, I began to learn like, oh, this is vital. Like these emotions will overtake me if I don't have

these support systems in place. It's a lot stepping out there and you just knowing even yourself to go, okay, I'm more prone to anxiety or I'm more prone to being angry in this time or I'm prone to sadness. know, whatever it might be, these are the feelings that tend to move through my body and this is what I do with them. This is how I can listen and how I can make choices and not let them drive, but also not stuff them. And you know, either way, I know how

Kyle Wester (09:22.582)
and what to do with feelings when they come and they're going to come. Yeah. Well, and the research plays that out that people who know how to emotionally regulate, but that's a much more important skill than just performance. It's not about just performing. It's about knowing yourself and knowing how to do that. So number five is healthy relationships require honesty, repair and boundaries. So we want our kids to know that conflict is normal in close relationships. Like it's actually, it's actually healthy.

to have conflict. Teens need to learn though how to speak honestly, but also learn how to apologize, how to repair, and how to set boundaries with other people because that's also very, that's a part of being a healthy human being. Not everyone you run into is going to think, act, or love the same way you do, and how we get along and deal with those conflicts is really, really important. Yeah, yeah it can be surprising where you think you are, you know, I'm here with this

maybe a romantic relationship, maybe even just a friendship, maybe a collaborative group, you know, and all of a sudden as you hit something, you go, wait, what's happening here? And to know yourself well enough to have the confidence to go, well, you know what, that's a no go for me. That's one of my boundaries. And to know how to do that well, and when to say yes, when to say no, what to do when conflict happens, and then especially what to do when I mess up. How do I?

How do I repair that? How do I own it? Those are huge skills. Yes. So helpful that, you know, so it's one where, mean, obviously they're not going to master it. Yeah. It's just the laying that groundwork and helping that be a conversation. I'm thinking, Sarah, as you're saying that, I think a lot of parents listening to this are like, I don't know if I know how to do this, to like the honesty repair and boundary. It is a big one. And what I would encourage you is I would say I didn't either to some extent when we had our kids. And that's where along the way teaching it.

learning it with them and then taking that and then teaching it to them, that's really helped me and Sarah get better at it as well. So see it as an opportunity, especially if you already have a teenager like, man, is it too late? No way. I would just be honest with them. I stink at this and I need help on this too. And there might be ways that they have already learned some of these already. And so it's really good to talk through that. But we want to be thinking though, I guess the big idea is there that relationship skills matter.

Kyle Wester (11:44.014)
Much or more than the academic or career career skills. So that's why we're emphasizing this this number five is we get so focused on well What are their grades and well, what's the career things we're setting up but like knowing how to do relationships I'm sure everybody listening to this is nodding like that is very crucial to you having success Number six you need practical life skills, not just good intentions. So what do we mean by that? Well, this is a little bit different than what we just talked about number five

It's the skills of like managing money, know, keeping a calendar, getting to places on time and making sure you follow through with your commitments. So knowing how to make appointments, fill out forms, email, or maybe make a phone call. I know sometimes that freaks kids out. like, I'm going to make a phone call. I was just talking to a kid recently. He was saying, man,

Growing up is so hard because he has to talk to all of these adults and it's so weird to talk to them because he's just used to talking to other teenagers, right? So he's like, it's actually very stressful. But the ability to be able to do that, to engage adults, to email, to call them, and to just be able to handle your responsibilities, you've got to be able to practice this stuff and get good at it because competence will build confidence. And if the kid doesn't feel competent, they're going to feel insecure and lack confidence, that's going to increase anxiety.

There's little opportunities for this just you know, we went to a restaurant went to my restaurant my daughter and even though I paid for I had her pay for I gave her that was like, okay I want you to handle paying. Yes, that's a great tip and all that It's a small thing but it's like those little things as she feels like I I can go to a restaurant order food pay know how to tip all that small thing we

We return a package. I have her go and do the return. Yes. You know, just these little tiny things just to practice them. And then when something bigger comes along that I haven't thought of, at least she's had these little things to hopefully build the skill where something else comes along and she's managed these little things she can do this. Yeah. Well, because I'm just thinking, mean, lots of these things we just, we think we've shown them because they've been next to us while we've done them. So we assume they by osmosis. Yes. Yes. I'm even thinking as you're saying that, I'm sure, you know, it's probably really nervous.

Kyle Wester (13:52.142)
there's a lot of anxiety when a kid first orders at a drive-thru, you know, or just something like that. I think we've shown our kids how to like order on a mobile app, but even like going up to a drive-thru, driving the car up there, talking to the person, getting the order correct, all there's a lot of things going on, that even as an adult, it can be kind of stressful, because you're trying to get the order correct and all that stuff. So just thinking about that, like reflecting on do my kids know these things? Do they know how to manage money, keep a calendar and all that kind of stuff? And how can I teach them before they graduate, right? Number seven.

This is really important for kids to learn. mean, because this is something that I think is just crucial to your kid's success, is your habits shape your freedom. Okay? Your habits shape your freedom. I'm just telling you, lots of teenagers I talked to, they don't get this. They don't understand this. And what do we mean by that? Well, like their habits when it comes to sleep, their habits when it comes to screens, their routines, their management of time, even their work ethic, freedom.

isn't the ability to do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it. Freedom is the result of having self-discipline and creating healthy habits because you're learning how to manage yourself. And so the goal here is self-leadership, self-control, self-discipline, not external control. Yeah, that's something that comes from inside of you. There's all kinds of spaces, know, in the, there's all kinds of, I run across, you know, you know, your algorithm starts feeding you stuff. so,

I get, I'm starting to get fed all this like finance and, and, um, wealthy people do this and this. And if you watch them, that's what they've done. They have these habits that started and they give them to their kids. You some of them are like, this is what you need to teach your child about, know, which we could do. I'm sure it gets some guests on to a podcast on that. But, know, it's, that's such a good example of, wow, they get here because they see money a certain way. They see investing a certain way and they do that. And that's a one area, but.

You know how you take care of your body. There's so many examples of movies portray that a free for all is the glorious life. That's freedom. But if you look at the people who you wish you could be a sports hero, a famous singer, it was their habits that got them there. Of course, like an athlete has to very disciplined on what they eat and how much they exercise. So making that, helping your kids see that.

Kyle Wester (16:14.434)
connection is just really powerful. It's like the little things they did every day led them to be that quarterback or led them to this job. want. just telling you, it's a really fun conversation because last time I have this conversation with kids, they really do think freedom is the ability to play their video games all night long. But then when you help them reflect on it, they there have been times they've done that and it didn't feel very free.

It does. Right? you're pulling all nighter, you're like, yeah, I didn't go to bed. you're like, I feel horrible. I remember doing that, going to sleep at like three and then my brain couldn't shut off and I'd be like, oh, I need to go back. And I'd get back up and play again. And it'd be like five or six. It didn't feel like freedom. I felt out of control. Yeah. And so very much trying to help them see that your habits shape your freedom because it's that internal locus of control, that internal responsibility that will actually create real freedom for them in the future.

So number eight, your worth is not based on your performance. Your worth, I need to say that again. Your worth is not based on your performance. And once again, Sarah, this is a hard one. Some kids, they've been raised so much, whether intentionally or unintentionally, with parents who have sent the message, it is connected to that. And the kids almost find it unbelievable to hear that, but I'll have to, your grades, your sports, your college decisions, your achievements, they matter, but they don't define

your identity. Teens need to know that they are loved apart from success, apart from failure. A grounded identity protects against that kind of shaming thought that you are what you do. And I think we don't mean to, but we send that message to our kids. Coaches do, teachers do. By our reactions. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't think we, I think if we said that every adult be like, yeah, yeah. But then we inadvertently keep sending that message to our kids. But it's also, think because we still believe it, you know, we still feel that way. So we don't even mean to, but because we are kind of on that operating system, we pass it down and it's just something we've got to be aware of and keep working on. So that's a big one. Your worth is not based on your performance. Number, number nine, character matters more than image.

Kyle Wester (18:29.378)
Whew, that's hard. And then the Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok kind of world, it doesn't seem to be true, but social pressure can make teens perform a version of themselves they somehow need to feel like they need to be. But real maturity means honesty, humility, courage, and integrity. Who they are becoming matters more than how they appear. This one's really tough. That pressure is so real. And they're also in a stage in life where though that

acceptance and fitting in that pressure is unbelievable and so we've need to do everything we can to keep sending this message to them because everything else is sending them a different Well I think we need to do because it is difficult because image may open doors.

but character is the thing that's gonna sustain your life, your marriage, your parenting in the future. And really attract the people in your life and build the life you want more than some fake image that I know, but it can seem like that's what I need to be successful, right? Completely. Okay, and then the last one, number 10, is home should stay a place of connection, not just evaluation. So as graduation gets closer.

parents can slip into performance mode. Did you get this done? Have you gotten this taken? Which college is accepting you? What grades are you getting? But teens still need guidance and relationship, not just your assessment. And we want them to know they can come back. They can talk honestly, and they can stay connected. Because graduation is not the end of parenting. It's just a transition into a new relationship. Yeah, I feel like that connection, that's your cornerstone.

I mean, if you gotta let something slide, that's the thing. You don't let that slide. We pour so much into guidance and everything and even this list, know, but really at the end of the day, build that connection. Yeah. So let me recap this here. Number one, you do not have to know your whole future right now. Number two, knowing how to ask for help is a strength. Number three, you are responsible for your life, but you are not alone. Number four, how you handle emotions matters. Number five, healthy relationships require honesty, repair and boundaries.

Kyle Wester (20:35.564)
Number six, you need practical life skills, not just good intentions. Number seven, your habits will shape your freedom. Number eight, your worth is not based on your performance. Number nine, character matters more than image. And then number 10, home should stay a place of connection, not just evaluation. So I just want to ask a few reflective questions for you right now. So number one, think about this. Which of these are you already building well? Some of these, probably maybe killing these already.

The next one, where is my team strong but inexperienced? Number three, where am I focused more on performance than actual formation of my kid? And then number four, what conversations do I want to start before my kid graduates? Okay. And you know, for Sarah and I, we just want to emphasize that our goal is not, it never will be to launch perfect kids. It is to help raise young adults who know how to think, how to relate.

how to take responsibility and stay connected to who they are and the people who love them. And that to us would be success. Yep. Right? So I hope if you want to take that as your kind of vision for success as well, we believe these 10 steps will help you get there, right? And don't want you to ever think this is too late, even if your kid has graduated or don't think this is too early. If your kid's in like third grade, like take If you put this in your head now, I know. Well, you want to. We were thinking about this when they were like, you know,

First born, we were like, when they leave this house, what do we want to model? What kind of humans do we wanna be? How do we wanna teach them? So all those questions are so helpful to you and whoever you're co-parenting with. But yeah, we really hope this kind of got your brain thinking about this because it's gonna happen before you know it. It's gonna be very quick. So thank you so much for taking the time to listen today. And we'd love to hear your feedback if you have any more that you would add to this 10. And we hope you have a wonderful day.