Episode 232

Parents are being pulled in two very different directions. On one side, we hear kids are too protected, too scheduled, too dependent on adults, and they're not getting enough freedom or independence to actually become capable human beings. On the other side, come on, we see the real risk in the world, real concerns about safety. And sometimes kids are being given more independence than they're actually ready to handle. That is why we wanted to talk about free range parenting. Have you heard of it? Not because we're telling you to become a free range parent.

We are not, but because this conversation asks a question, every parent needs to stop, think about, and answer. How do we give our kids room to grow without asking them to carry more than they are ready for? And before we dive into that discussion, please take a moment to pause, rate, review, and comment. We always love to hear your feedback. It's so helpful for other families to find this content. And we love helping as many parents and kids as we can. And without further ado, I'm gonna jump into this conversation with Sarah and

Yeah, looking forward to it.

Kyle and Sara Wester (00:00.856)
Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle. I'm Sarah. And you know, Sarah, something that's been in the news quite a bit, and maybe our listeners have heard about this, is free range parenting. Yeah. I feel like it's everywhere. I feel like everyone's had to have heard about this, but just in case they haven't, we'll sum it up for them. Yeah, well, and like, you know, basically the reason why it's been in the news, because some moms have gotten in trouble, like legally, right? Because of that. Yeah, because they're free range parenting. Yes. And so today we wanted to have a conversation about.

free range parenting, what people mean by it, why it's becoming such a big topic again, and why it might get it may get right. Well what it may get my gosh. It's okay. You can say it. You know okay. It's okay. What they might get right. Okay, sorry. Okay. Well might not have right. You know okay so there's things that are good about it yeah and things that aren't great about it. Right. Okay. It reminds me of gentle parenting. Yes. Okay. You know it's like gentle parenting

you know, I don't know, some people s act like it's the worst thing ever. It's got some things right. And then maybe some people get a little skewed, but this is sort of like that. Yes, yes. And and and so we we don't when we hear it or hear how people explain it, right? Is we don't we don't think the goal is to follow like a parenting label. The goal is to raise kids who are capable and connected and to give them the support and protection they need as they grow. Right. Right. It isn't about finding a perfect label for this

Parenting, right? Yeah, yeah. It's not really our approach. Yeah, and even like because people mean different things when they say it. Yeah, it's kinda it to me it's hard to have a label because you say that. Yeah. And then people have their own interpretation of that. So well and so one of the stories, just in summary, real quick, was about a woman, I don't remember where she was in the United States, but she had a five-year-old kid who they lived in, I think, a gated community, but she allowed her her son to walk like a half a mile to go get some goose feathers, you know.

And she ended up getting reported because that little boy was far away from home and the neighbors had no idea why that little kid was out there, right? Security guard. Yes. I think met him or f saw him or something like that. Yeah. And there's so there's so many things that I can understand. We can feel where the parent is coming from, right? Because many times, like you know, the the the idea is that kids these days are over supervised possibly or over scheduled or they're they're they're constantly on screens.

Kyle and Sara Wester (02:25.078)
Or constantly being managed by helicopter parents. Right. Yeah. Right. And so then kids aren't learning how to feel competent and capable. And maybe this is why they're so anxious and all this kind of stuff. Right. Because yeah, they you actually need kids to kind of try and fail and they need to step out and risk sometimes. Resiliency is built in that skills are built in there. There's a lot of good things, right? In that whole stepping out. Well, and I think most of us we look back at our childhood and we go, my gosh, we'd be gone all day and we would just I'd be biking around. I know me and my friends would

Go to the woods and be playing in in in the in the rivers there or whatever and Yeah. Without phones or anything. Like we'd be gone for hours. Yeah, and your parents would tell you to go away. They'd be like, Get out of here. Stop hanging around the house, right? Come on when the street lights. Come home when the street lights are on. Yes. And but then other parents feel enormous pressure to anticipate and prevent every possible risk because we live in a world with twenty four hour news that's telling you how scary it is these days. Yeah. And there are risks and some of the

Some of the rules that now came about are because of our childhood. That's true. Because of the things that went wrong with that. Yeah. Yeah. But there's also a growing cultural and legal conversation about when normal childhood independence is being mistaken for neglect. Right. And I think it's important to know those can look very similar. Yeah. It's a big conversation. Yeah. So so the the kind of the thought in our head is if if I give my child more freedom, more independence.

am I being irresponsible? If I don't, am I keeping them from feeling capable and and confident to go into the world? Yeah. Yeah. So you have this, I think you know, parents are weighing, every parent's weighing, I need to let them step out more. No, no, I need to protect them. No, I need to let them. Yeah, it's a really big tug of war inside of yourself of knowing when and how to do that. Well, I I I remember even when the kids were very little in our city that we were living at the time, you got these vouchers for trash bags and you could go into the store and get them and

I think Abby was only s maybe seven and Brennan was five. And they both were like, Can we go into that store and get And I was like, Do you think you can? And they're like, Yeah. So I you if if if it's not working, come back and tell me. But I'll wait in the car and let you know. And and my dad was with me at the time and he was actually like, You're just gonna let them go in there and do this? Like, I yeah, I'll just see how this goes. And like they went and did it, and I don't I mean, thank goodness it all went great. Like it did, but even in that moment they they got

Kyle and Sara Wester (04:48.78)
They got confused where it was. They had to find the guy we talked about wearing the red vest who he could help them, right? He pointed the right direction. They it. And when they came out, their faces were so they were so proud of themselves that they were able to do it, you know? And even though my dad was in the car, like, you should go in. She goes, Yeah, I'll go in and check in just a minute. Like, I just want to give them a chance. It was, it was during the day. There was like hardly any customers there. It wasn't that big of a store. No, it was very small store. It was like a hardware store. Yeah, it's a little small. A local, but that was a moment where I thought,

Okay, I kinda like this. I don't know if I did it perfect. I don't know if this is the best way to do it, but it was a moment of like I wanted my kids to feel some of that independence and so you were weighing the okay, I think it's small, there's not many people, I'm right here, it's day you know. And I was weighing would Sarah be mad at me about this or not. Yeah, because I was weighing other stories. And we've had some moments where maybe I allowed more than you were comfortable with than they

They sometimes they may have gotten lost. That may have happened. Okay. I'm just saying they may have gotten lost. so what here's what free range parenting means and what it does not mean. Okay, so free range parenting in general means giving kids more age-appropriate independence, some mobility, some unstructured play, and some responsibility. It may look like walking to a friend's house or playing outside, going into a store alone, like I just said, staying home briefly, you know, on their own without parents there, navigating conflict on their own.

Or managing more of their schedule. Free range parenting is not a scientific parenting category with one agreed upon definition. Okay. There's a lot of different ways when people talk about what they mean. That's kind of what we were talking about earlier. These labels can be tricky because everyone has their own version. So if you say, yeah, I free range parent, what is that? What that means from to one parent to another. Yeah, you know. But but it also doesn't have to mean if a parent says that, it doesn't mean they don't have boundaries, they

It doesn't mean they don't have any supervision or no preparation, or they're just thinking, good luck, you figure it out, because that's kind of neglectful, permissive parenting. That's I don't think that's what they're actually saying. Yeah. so here's some cool things that we think that that idea for you gets correct. Kids need real life practice. Right. Right? Children do not become capable only by hearing. You can do hard things. They they build their capability by actually doing hard but manageable things. Right.

Kyle and Sara Wester (07:11.142)
like maybe solving a problem without a parent rushing in. Okay. Navigating a small disagreement, remembering what they need for an activity, walking into a store, making a purchase. I mean, I think that's that that was actually what I was thinking as we're looking through the notes of this. That was one of my more fun moments. I remember going to Bass Pro Shop and there was something to pick up, you know. And I think Abby was like wanting to feel independent. She's like, Can I go pick it up? And I was like, Yeah, but now I went in the store.

And I sat pretty far away and just smiled as I watched her navigate, talking to the person and watching them looking around. They see me, I give them a wave, like they know I'm there. But then she picks it up all on her own. Yeah. You know? And so in her mind, she did such a big kid thing. Right. It was really cool. but also handling boredom, that's a big one. I mean, think of that. So many parents jump in to try to fix that. They do. Anytime the kid feels kind of feel this, yeah. You should have arts and crafts and games and activities. They should never

Happening all the time. Yeah. Or anytime the kid feels uncomfortable or the kid there's a change of plans. Like somehow, like we want to swoop in and protect the kid from that discomfort. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. so kids need to have growing ownership over their lives. Kids and teens need meaningful chances to make a bunch of choices, experience the consequences that come from those choices, and see themselves as people who can handle their life. Yeah.

Yep. And we talk about those all the time. We talk about different ways to do that stuff. And and we're big believers in letting this is all a practice for adulthood. And I I appreciate that piece of free range parenting where where they're thinking about that and they're they're recognizing our little people are f sometimes far more capable than we give them credit for. And and we need to be okay with letting them try things 'cause I think some free range parenting pieces that I like too are

there's a little less like you try, you fail, and they're a lot more okay with that. And I appreciate that part of the free range parenting where it's like, yeah, sure, it may not go okay, but that's okay. I want you jumping out there and trying that, you know. Yeah, and and and so you know, what we know about confidence, if you're wanting to raise confident, capable kids, it's not built by us doing everything for kids. It's built by kids realizing I can do more than I thought I could.

Kyle and Sara Wester (09:27.694)
Yeah. Yeah, so that that's a piece that I think can be very helpful is helping parents. And they get to work through how am I gonna do this? Because someone's not there saying, Now do this and now do that. You know, you look at looking for those little chances for them to have to figure things out. And you know what's funny is as you're saying that, I'm thinking of all the times, even like when the kids are playing sports. How many times, like in one sense, I was more than willing to go, Abby, go explore that store without me.

But then when she was playing soccer, I kept wanting to yell from the sideline and direct her the whole time. Yeah. And I guess that would be a better version of I mean, if I was doing free range parenting in this sense, I would shut my mouth and let my daughter experience. Yeah, look at the feel, figure out how to do it. Listen to her coach and her players. Well, even Ellie said that. When Ellie was playing soccer recently, I gave her some great advice. And that advice helped a goal not happen. So I was very proud of myself. But then Ellie said, I have to think of that myself, Dad.

If you keep doing that, I'm gonna need you to keep reminding me. And and and it does go to a lack of confidence I have in them to see it. So then like I think sports is such a great example of that. Yeah. So like like you know, kids when they're in childhood, they need movement, they need play, and they need manageable challenges. Okay. So unstructured play, outdoor time, social problem solving and reasonable risks gives kids the opportunities to practice their judgment, their flexibility, and their resilience.

the value is not in exposing kids to danger. I want to emphasize that. It's not about, I mean, that's kind of what you were telling me lots of times. The value is not exposing your kids to dangerous situations. The value is in allowing manageable challenges that your kid can learn from. Right. In safety. In safety. Yes. And sometimes I was willing to push that limit more than you were, right? And I think that was a really good balance between us.

Is there was times where I just wanted my kids to be capable really quick. And you're like, give it time. Like so I mean, I'm even I promise they will grow up. Yeah. Yeah. I I'm I'm even thinking of stuff of like when it came to even movies that we were watching. There's times I wanted to rush, let's watch this show. It was all about me and just being like, I think the kids can handle this. Let's do that. And you're like, just give it time. Like we will get there. So all that's really good. If you I promise I spent more time in adulthood than childhood. That's right. That's good. So here's the brand science and why practice matters. So

Kyle and Sara Wester (11:45.497)
We we wanna basically just simplify this for you, okay? So the skills parents want in adulthood, think about the skills you want your kids to have. You want them to have planning to be able to regulate their emotions, problem solving. You want them to have flexibility, judgment, and responsibility. all those are developed through repetition and practice. When when we as adults step in too quickly because we're anxious or we're concerned, children can miss opportunities to build those skills. When a child has a manageable challenge.

s support and time to think, they learn I can adapt, I can recover, I can ask for help when I need it. Yep. And there's wisdom in knowing when to go, okay, I think I can figure this out. Okay, now I need to ask for some help. Yes. Right. And you want your kids to be able to think through that. Yeah. And so the the team brain is naturally pushing towards more independence while judgment and impulse control

are still developing. Be a free range parent. That's right. That does not mean freedom. That does not mean teens need less guidance. It means they need guided practice with increasing freedom or autonomy. Okay. So here's what we feel like, and this is what what when I was reading the story about the the woman getting arrested and I was like, how do I feel about this? What do I think about this? Here's where I do think some of that free range parenting, just in general, can go a little askew or go a little wrong. Right. Okay. Is

Freedom can exceed the kid's readiness, you know, their their capabilities. A child may be ready for independence in one area, but not in another. Okay. So a child might be responsible enough to stay home alone briefly, but not ready to navigate a busy street. Right. A teen may manage a job well, but still struggle with peer pressure or late-night driving. Right. And this reminds me of even a couple episodes we talked about how kids

you know, you see them where they do it once and then other times are frustrated that they didn't read because like I've seen you do this before, I know you're capable, I'm so mad at you, you know, kind of thing. but in this case that we need to keep that same thought in mind. Just 'cause you saw your kid do something once, we need to have this kind of like bigger view on, but do I think they can you know, are they really ready to take this whole thing on consistently? You know? And all the pieces it entails. Not just were they successful one time.

Kyle and Sara Wester (14:03.094)
Well and it's important to remember that there's not like a unif universal age when every child should be allowed to do something independently. That would make this a lot easier, right? And that's kind of the confusion, you know, because every parent knows their child and like that's where when the when the legal system is getting involved, you may have felt that was a completely safe risk to take. And from somebody else's eyes, they may think that's not, you know. but it's important to know there isn't just like he's five or he's six or now the kid can do this. Right. Every five year old can do this. Every

I mean, we we all know that with sixteen year olds who are all allowed to drive, right? The law has decided every sixteen year old. And and yet we've all met sixteen year olds who we think, you know, I'm I don't think you're ready for the road. I've watched you drive, you know, and and we see that across the board. You see kids go off to college and you know, eighteen's a typical age, and there's some kids who do far better because they were just ready, not even a knock on the other. We're all different. And

And these this other kid wasn't ready for the academic pressure, the peer pressure, the whatever it might be. So so there's places where even the laws decided everyone's ready by a certain age, and yet we can look objectively and go, I don't think so. Yeah. And so it's it's important to remember that all kids are if you've had multiple kids, use you see, they grow at different rates, they're ready for different things. And once again, it's not a knock on those other kids. It's just you gotta accept them where they're at. and so we want to emphasize that neglect is not.

independence and sometimes that's what it looks like at times. When I've heard some parents say they're free-range parenting, it sometimes looks neglectful. You know, I mean like I I don't know the whole situation with that with the woman, but it does seem neglectful to allow a five-year-old to go off for a half mile to go get goose feathers in a pond where there's standing water and like there's so many things that could go wrong because he may be able to walk there. Right. And it may be a gated community where you feel like there's no strangers that will

But what's he gonna do if a goose attacks him? What's he gonna do if he falls in the water? What like what if a dog comes up to do like the other neighbors now have to take responsibility for your five year old? And so if something happens, you're not even there to watch it. I think I think that's a a really you know, we're s we're gonna talk both sides of the free range parenting thing.

Kyle and Sara Wester (16:16.722)
And sometimes we might look at our child and go, can they sit in a house by themselves? Right. And maybe, yeah, their children could sit in a house by themselves. But you have to think of it's not just it is their capability of sitting in a house, but it's what could go wrong and can they handle those things? That is the other the other piece of the equation is sometimes these things are out of their control. If

that I think the house one, let's say a fire started, an electrical fire that was not caused by your child. You know your child's safe, your child won't mess with fire. You know, but an electrical, do they have the ability, the presence of mind to stay calm, to evacuate the home, to know where the plan for that? what if the doors are blocked? And you know, and and obviously that's where that it can slide into neglect where it's not just what my ki child is capable of, but it's all these other scenarios that could pop up. Yeah. And

And their ability to navigate them. If someone broke into the home, how would they defend themselves? You know, that that obviously a child walking down a street to me is an example of if there you can't control who is around. Even if you think it's safe, and then how do you know that your child is physically able to protect themselves from an attacker? Yeah, well, and I told you, sir, I remember at five, I was walking.

probably ten blocks to my elementary school. But I was not by myself. I was with my brother. I was with other friends. and all the neighbor kids were walking, right? So it wasn't just like me as a five year old just walking. That would actually, I think, never have been wise for my parents to do. But they did it because they knew there was a group of people keeping so if this boy went with an older brother, no one would have a problem with it. But it's like he just went by himself and nobody thinks a five year old can manage all of that danger you know that could come. And it's part of our job is not to be

overly paranoid, but to be thinking about some of those and putting them in a position to succeed and feel capable. Yeah. Because the risk is that if something does happen and it really does hurt him, he's not gonna want to keep doing that. You know, he'll he'll realize Yeah, you want that success to be something that can keep scaffolding and and they can feel that. Not that anything you know, things can go wrong, but we want to try to keep that within what's manageable going wrong. You know, that's yeah you know, I've I told you this story when

Kyle and Sara Wester (18:38.24)
Me and and some people when I was five, we went for a walk and you couldn't even see this little we were walking in these little trails and we were right by a neighborhood and stuff. I fell in a really big hole. You could not see it from where we were we were. It just slipped and fell in this hole. I could not get out, they couldn't get me out. Had I been alone, who knows how long it would have taken anyone to find me. And even though I was with older kids, they still didn't have the ability to reach me and pull me out.

Yeah. And they had to go get help. So, you know, even like in that I don't even feel like anyone in that scenario was neglectful, but I feel like it's just an example of kind of that's a who would have thought there'd be this little whole you know, kind of thing. Yeah, it's there. Yeah. So it's not to say we can't ever, it's like how can we try to create as much safety yet freedom together, yeah, hand in hand. Yeah. So giving a child freedom is not the same as leaving a child without the protection, guidance, or care they need.

And you Sarah, sometimes, and this next point we want to make is that freedom is can really just be parent fatigue or avoiding conflict. Okay. So sometimes parents give more freedom, not because they've thoughtfully considered their child's readiness, but because they're just exhausted and they don't want another argument with the kid. they kind of feel guilty about holding a limit or simply do not have the capacity in that moment to stay engaged. We've all been there, but saying yes to avoid conflict is different than saying yes because it's wise.

in the in the next step towards them being more independent. so we want to make sure we're thinking about that before we give those, like we say yes to go doing doing that. What is what what's going on in me, right? Independence requires parental involvement at the beginning, not parental engagement, disengagement. So you want to ask yourself, am I saying yes because this is a reasonable, prepared next step? Or am I saying yes because I don't have the energy to hold the boundary? Okay.

Am I saying no because there is a real concern or is my own anxiety making that decision for me? And I think that's important to evaluate, right? Yeah, it is, 'cause we can be we don't want the decision too for safety made from a place of anxiety.

Kyle and Sara Wester (20:44.664)
We don't want to be made from a place of I'm too tired, just go do what you want. You know, I mean, not that I'm not saying everyone's doing that, but just but just we wanna be honest with ourselves, do a little check in here, what's going on inside of me before I answer this. Yeah, and fear can make us obviously more controlling. exhaustion can make us like not as not as intentional on how we're leading our kids. And neither one of those should be how we make our decisions. So just here's some helpful language for.

I hear that you want to do this and I'm not ready to answer yet. Let me think about what would need to be true for this to be a yes. So it's okay to give that pause so you can reflect and think. Is my kid prepared for this? Because sometimes sometimes they catch you off guard, right? They're asking, and you your thought is. I I mean, I even remember, I mean, this may be a dumb example, but to me, I would be up on the roof sometimes doing things, and I would think it's a good idea.

To allow one of the kids to come up on the roof with me. And my thought was as a kid, I got up on my roof, it was no big deal. But I'm not even thinking about the grade of our roof. Is it better or worse than the one I grew up on? And I remember you kept pushing back. Like, I don't think, and once I thought about it, I'm like, this is kind of dumb. Why am I putting what's the value of what's happening here? They do not need to be on the roof with me. And the risk is much greater than the reward, right?

And in or if the answer is going to be no, you could say something to the kid like, I know you are disappointed. I don't want to fight with you about it, but I'm still saying no. We can talk about what would help you be ready for more independence next time. Okay. And that can start an honest, like thoughtful conversation. Yeah. okay. So now let's talk about Sarah how this can help the relationship. Okay. We want to be thinking throughout these kind of decisions we're making, are we staying connected with our kids?

Because the goal is not hovering over every choice. We don't want to do that. That's gross. Controlling every outcome. Can't do it. Not possible. Right. Right. Or emotionally stepping away and just saying, independence. Right? I think that's disingenuous. Yeah. Yeah. The goal is to say, I am here. I believe in you. I will help you prepare. And I will not rescue you from every discomforting outcome. Okay.

Kyle and Sara Wester (23:02.23)
A healthy relationship gives child both a s a secure base and a place to return to. So they know they can call. They know a mistake will lead to a conversation, not humiliation. They know freedom grows with honesty and responsibility. And they know their parent is paying attention and not panicking, but actually just paying attention. so a better question than should I be a free-range parent?

Is possibly this. What is the next responsible freedom for this child? What's the next like step of independence that I want to invite my kids into? so here's four things to consider. One, know your kid. Right? Know what they're already showing you about responsibility, honesty, judgment, and asking for help. Yeah. Right? Number two, know the situation. So what are the risks? not just what you fear will happen, but what the real environment and the likely challenges are.

Like for you, it was falling off the roof for our kids having a serious problem, right? or like I remember you telling me, this was great, and I've used this a lot with couples, Sarah, is as a guy growing up in this world, I never had any fears about being at Walmart or Target and people following me. Yeah. Right? Yeah. But you would bring up these other risks that you experienced as a woman growing up. And how you would have people sometimes you thought who were following you or were unsafe.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. And then you'd bring those up when it came to me walking around the store and sometimes letting Abby go off by herself and like I had never ever thought about that, right? So in that sense, there were risks I wasn't aware of. And it it it didn't come from you like you were trying to over control. It was you just saying these are risks we need to be thoughtful about. Right. Right. Again, that's looking at the individual child and experiencing where you're at and taking all things into account. Yeah. Yeah. And and and and it is a different world for

Like as our son is growing up, like for him to be a 17-year-old, you know, if he's get if he's gonna be like six foot or six foot one, you know, man, that's very it's it's a little different than for yeah. And so even that's a a great example there too. prepare before freedom or before indef into independence. So talk through where are you going? Who will be there? What's the plan if something changes? How will we communicate? what what do you do if you feel unsafe, pressured, confused, or left out?

Kyle and Sara Wester (25:24.502)
And these are all questions you're trying to train them to be asking themselves someday when they leave your home and are on their own. Yeah. and then the last part is you want to review and adjust with them. So afterward, ask them, hey, what went well? What was harder than you expected? What what would help next time go better? What is the next step of freedom that we can practice? Independence is not a test that your kid is needing to pass or fail. It's a skill that they practice over time. Yeah.

I think sometimes we're so afraid kids won't be independent, you know? And I I mean, yeah. I I feel like sometimes we don't need to be maybe as worried about that, you know? We need to be intentional. We need to lead our kids into that space. But yeah. There's you'll we'll get there. Well, I think there is like a real especially in America where independence is so valued and prized. Yes. There is this real fear that our kids interdependence and and even like that's where I'm talking to parents sometimes.

Yes, you want your kid to leave your home be successful, but like 60 years ago, it actually wasn't uncommon for your kid to stay home with you for quite some time after college, even, right? Whereas we grew up where it's like, no, as soon as you get college, it is like a sign of success. Yeah, yeah. It was this gold star. And I think that's changing. There's more and more people who go, okay, you go to college, you come home, you know, you're setting yourself up for a successful life. Yeah. Not just bam, you're 18, you know. Well, because things have changed though, because

financially it's harder to buy a home. There's a lot of circumstances that have changed where we're saying, I don't think we are setting you up for success, right? but parents think, s if they don't have a place as soon as they leave college, then we have failed, right? And there's even movies like Failure to Launch and those kind of movies that came out that kind of picked apart these parents who maybe they were they maybe they were anxious. Probably lent Yeah, and maybe they were enabling their kids. That all that might have been true, right? But that's not true for every kid. Right. So some kids do need to come home and they do need to spend some time maybe

working off the debt or Yeah, there's some real wisdom in not seeing eighteen as some magical point of launching. Yes, that that that's when you have to be ready, no matter what we have done or not done to prepare you for that, right? Okay. So here's just some real life examples. So if your kid wants to play outside, instead of saying, No, it's too dangerous, try yes, you can play outside. You need to stay between these houses and come in when the street lights come on and tell me before you go anywhere else. Right. I've seen parents do that. That works great. Who are you with? Yeah

Kyle and Sara Wester (27:46.537)
kinds of maybe you have a tween who wants to walk or bike to a friend's house. Super common. first walk or ride the route together. Discuss streets, houses that they can go to for help, check in expectations and what to do if plans change. Okay. another one, teen wants more freedom socially. So instead of making it about whether they quote unquote deserve freedom, we're not deciding whether you deserve freedom. We're deciding what freedom you are ready to practice and what needs to be in place for it to go well. Yeah.

And just setting them up to succeed. Yeah. Okay. Now we know that a lot of parents, this brings up a lot of fear. Okay. Sometimes the hardest part is not whether our child is ready, it's whether we are. Whether we're ready to watch them do something without us. Yeah. And I think s I wonder if sometimes free range is sort of a parent's approach of trying to get rid of that anxiety. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And just kind of, I'm not gonna be anxious I'm not gonna be anxious about that. Go, you know. Yeah, I think you're right.

And so we want to encourage you to ask a few questions. Am I saying no because there is a real concern? Or because I'm uncomfortable with my child growing up? Am I saying yes because that is the next thoughtful step? Or because I'm tired of conflict and don't want to hold a limit? Both fear-driven out approaches, they're all about control. And conflict avoidance will lead to permissiveness. And they can get in the way of.

wise parenting. So we don't want to get into where we're controlling and being authoritarian or being permissive. Okay, so, and just in closing, free-range parenting may get us asking some really good and thoughtful questions about independence, confidence, play, risk, childhood, but it's not a label that we need to adopt. Our job is not to make children independent. Like I want to get that out of your mind. Like kids naturally want to feel competent and capable. They don't need you to make them that

Yeah. Okay. So our job is not to make our children independent of us as quickly as possible. And it's not to protect them from every hard thing. Both are equally unhealthy or destructive to your relationship. Our job is to know that our kid can understand the real like understand the real situation, that you that they are prepared for the next step, that they know how to stay connected with you throughout it.

Kyle and Sara Wester (30:09.492)
And also give them the amount of freedom and support they need to grow. And that is how we inevitably raise human beings who feel competent and capable to create the life that they actually want. And we are very passionate about learning how to do that through these intentional things we just discussed throughout their entire life. That we are not here to control that outcome.

But we're also not hands off to where you just go do it on your own because neither one of those, I see it all the time, Sarah, just doesn't lead to positive outcomes. Yeah. Yeah. So we want to be able to do this hand in hand with them all throughout their life. And that really is the joy of parenting. You know, is co-creating the life with them. Yeah. All right. So thank you so much for taking the time. we'd love to hear your thoughts on free range parenting. Do you have some strong feelings about that? Love for you to reach out and

leave a comment or you reach out to me at Kyle at artofraisinghumans dot com. Would love to hear your thoughts on it, ways in which you kind of approach this in the same way we're talking or differently. and we just value you listening to us and just want to say thank you so much for being part of this community. And you have a wonderful day.