Episode 231

Episode 231 Transcript:

Most parents know the question is coming. Can I? Can I go to my friend's house? Can I stay out later? Can I get another app? Can I do this activity? Can I get a phone now? And sometimes before you even think about it, the answer just comes out. No. Now sometimes no is absolutely the right answer. Our kids need parents who protect them, who guide them, and hold boundaries. But what if instead of beginning with no, we learn to look for the yes?

Yes, you can. And here is what needs to be true for that to work. That one small shift can help our kids grow in freedom and responsibility without leaving us feeling like we have given up the boundary. And before you jump into this episode, take a moment to rate, review, and comment. All of that helps our podcast to be reached to more and more families, to help more and more parents and kids. And without further ado, let's jump into this concept of yes.

Kyle and Sara Wester (00:01.314)
Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle. Hi, everybody. I'm Sarah. And you know, Sarah, lately we've had a chance to you know, catch us up on some shows that we like to watch, right? Right. Yeah. And one of the shows that we've enjoyed throughout the years was Ted Lasso. Okay. And I know we're just watching an episode about a month ago, and in there there's a character who's really rigid. You know, she's constantly saying no with a very critical judgmental face, right?

But then Ted proposes an idea that we thought, man, I really like that. That would really be great for parenting. It's kind of one we we have talked with like we use, right? Or or we know about this, but it was funny to see it to me. I thought the whole time I'm thinking, that's what you do with kids, you know? And and then I thought, we should talk about that with the kids. Yeah, because it it's sort of it when you watch it in a show, you know, things come to life in a different way for you. So it was just a

A fun way to see it in action and then well and I think what it what it was showing us is he was talking to this other coach about he's actually broadening it. Yeah, instead of instead of saying no or yes, saying yes and right. Yeah. And and when like you said, we naturally do this a lot of times with our kids. And it's not about giving choices, but it really is a good technique to use so a parent doesn't give in to either being very rigid.

Right. Or being very permissive, right? Which is we're trying to help parents get out of that dichotomous. It's like, no, the only choices are no and yes. Well, there's no. If you use your imagination, you can do more than that. You can do a yes and yes. Yes. Yeah. It's great. And so so we want to be able to explore that because so often when kids are asking us to do things, it's it's not even the thing that's that important, right? It's really what that thing represents. Like it it represents them having a sense of more freedom, more autonomy.

Right, more voice or more room to grow. And our job is obviously not to say yes to everything. Like, I really actually don't like the idea of those yes days where like you're saying yes to everything, right? Yeah, we didn't we didn't do an episode on yes day. No, no. Like because I do think no's are important. As I think most of our listeners know, no's are important too. but our job is to help our kids learn how freedom, responsibility, and boundaries all go together. So that's why we thought the yes and really hit that.

Kyle and Sara Wester (02:26.616)
Really well? Yeah, so beautiful. Yeah. And so so here's just some ideas that we thought, but where parents do feel tension about saying yes, right? And why they naturally default to no. Because no just seems easier. And lots of us as kids, we know from the research, we heard no a bunch. You know, kids are constantly being told no. Right. I mean, and and you add on top of it, just if you're busy, if you for a parent, things immediately jump in your head. And so you're like, yeah, no, that's a no for sure. You know, and the and it's

You're so wise and a lot you have all these things going through your head that aren't going through the kids' head. Yep. And and they're just thinking, Hey, I want to try this or I'm excited about this or that sounds fun, or you know, whatever it might be that's driving them. We're coming from two very different spaces when the kid is asking and pushing back on that, and you're you know, you have that instinct just to say no. Yeah. Well, so kids might ask things, can I have a phone? Can I stay out later? Can I join another activity?

Can I spend money on this? Can I go outside or drive there? And of course, like Sarah was saying, like you're thinking about all these things that typically they're not processing, like safety, you're thinking of their sleep and their health, about the schedule for the family, how much money we've been spending, our family values and and the responsibilities we have as a family, right? so typically the fear that pops up is if I say yes, am I becoming too permissive? You know, am I just being that parent?

That they can just walk all over, talk me into doing it. And then the other one, if I say no, am I becoming too controlling? Right. To where the kid just won't even come to me anymore and ask me because they start seeing me as the no parent. Okay. And so a good parent, quote unquote, like a good parent, is not simply the person who says no, but a good parent helps a child learn how to start handling that increased level of freedom more wisely.

Right. It's actually a really great opportunity to walk them through because they're not thinking of the boundaries that need to be in place, right? Or the skills they need to succeed. Yeah. Right. So they they they're not even aware of all that stuff always. you know, even a teenager maybe if you sat them down, they can maybe list some things, but they're they're in this moment or they're trying to, you know, go get out there, be independent, do the big things. That's all they're thinking about. Yeah. And so it's a way of helping them kind of take that step forward.

Kyle and Sara Wester (04:53.91)
And then also come alongside with some of the boundaries and thought and expertise that you bring to the table. Yeah. And so when you start with that idea of what does it look like to say yes and it starts to t send a different message, you know? I think lots of times, Sarah what I hear from kids, just the simple no sends the message to the kid, you don't trust me. Yeah. You know? Or you think you think I'm a bad kid, I'm gonna get in trouble. You're just shutting it down. You didn't even think about it. What's the harm? The no came so and lots of times we may even not have n not even thought about, right? but when you say yes and

It sends the message, I hear what you want. I believe your desires make sense. I want to help you find ways to grow in these areas. And I'm not against you. I mean, that's a big one to me since since I definitely can feel like I need to I'll err on the side of saying no just to oppose it. So I want to send them I'm not against you, actually. Right. Yeah. It's a great way, you know, we've talked in other episodes about helping kids feel seen and heard. Yep. It's a really great way.

To be looking for those opportunities of what can I say? Where's my yes in this? You know, where can I let them know, okay, I hear you, this is important to you, or you really want this, I see you, you know. So it's a great way of recognizing that part. Well, and so that's kind of what the yes sends the message. The and sends this message that there are conditions that can make this work, right? Freedom does come with responsibility. So the ability to be independent, autonomous from us, there is some responsibility with that.

I still have a job to do. And I think this is really important. Lots of parents feel like as the kids grow up that they're losing this responsibility to have to still be their parent. Right. But no, you still need to be their parent. And also that we need a plan, not just we're not just here to make your wishes come true. You know? So so basically the boundary that we're about to set with that and Sarah is not the opposite of freedom. So it's not about taking freedom away or something or or limiting their ability to be free.

But the boundary is is often what makes the freedom more possible, more achievable. Right. I hear yeah, and and in their interest, yeah, successful because it it's gonna safeguard them. The phone obviously is a great one, you know, where it's like a yes and and all and you add all the things in place to keep your child's. Yeah. And because it's a very real concern. Phones and all that they bring are a very real concern. And

Kyle and Sara Wester (07:15.926)
I love that it teaches your child because the whole time you're doing the and with them, their brain is picking up on, what kind of what kind of limits or boundaries or how can I I can do this? But just like driving, you know, even as adults, yes, you can drive a car and here with a license and you need to drive the speed and you need to drive and you you know, the like it happens in our own lives kind of thing is like yes, you can in these Well, I'm even thinking as you're talking, especially the phone ones are great.

Of typically parents are just l sometimes we're talking to parents who just said yes. They just gave their kid a phone. Yeah. And now the kid is like, okay, and they just end up falling into all types of stuff, possibly. Or the parent just says no, and then there's just endless conflict all the time about that no. And the kid starts getting this message, you don't trust me, you think I'm a bad kid, or you know, there's no conversation. As opposed to saying something like, Yes, you can have a phone, and I want the phone.

Plugged in every night at nine o'clock down in this place, right? Right. And the kids say, Well, can I have my room? Yes, you can, but each night it needs to be up here, right? can't you can I have access to social media? Yes, you can. And this is the way we're gonna do it. Right, right. So so that way then there's a way to guide that, disciple it, teach it with your kid rather than them trying to find ways to sneak around you, you know? and just trying to find ways to

Get that yes on their own without your guidance. Okay. so let's bring in, because Sarah and I always love to bring in kind of the developmental piece that kids are going through with the brain, because this is really touching upon that, is that kids and teens, they do need practice with autonomy, with agency. Like, like before they leave your house at 18, you don't want that to be the first time that they're experiencing that. Yeah. Yeah. You want them to have a lot of opportunities to mess it up, to succeed, to do all that.

With you right there guiding them. and so as children grow, you know, you've already been doing this as listeners, we did this too. They naturally they want more say over their time, their activities, their friendships, all those kind of things. Their money. I mean, I I remember helping this one family where the kid just he had no access to his money, he just wanted to be able to make decisions right on how to spend it. and that is not automatically disrespect or defiance. It is part of becoming a capable adult. but autonomy does not mean.

Kyle and Sara Wester (09:38.52)
That everything alone, that or you're getting unlimited amounts of access to whatever you want to do. It means having an increasing sense of voice, ownership, and responsibility while a parent still provides structure, you know? And I love that, Sarah, because it because it we've talked about this before. We're not wanting we don't want anybody that we're helping coach to be permissive, but we also don't want them to be authoritarian and controlling. We're trying to like open up the imagination to a third option. Yeah, yeah. And and it's something that I think you and I

walk through and try to figure out in our own lives and with the kids we're working with, our own children and and so I love these kind of episodes 'cause I feel like it it paints the picture or helps you see how 'cause we can it's so easy as parents to pendulum swing. Yep. You know, you have your day where you're just exhausted and everything's a yes. And then you then you have your other day where you're exhausted and everything's a no. yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Or you have one parent who's the yes parent and the other parents the no parent and you know that as a kid. You're like, I'm gonna ask mom that question because she'll say yes to that. You know, and so it's a way for us to come together and and kind of hit that middle of I can I can do both. I can have the limit because the no is trying to be protective, have limits, boundaries, all that. And the yes is trying to say, I can see this is important to my kids. So it's a way to bring those together.

And I love being able to kind of and what the what the yes and teaches the kid is the value of of learning how to think ahead, right? So it's not just about the yes, it's about you but what's gonna happen after that. planning around time and responsibilities, weighing wants against real important limits, considering safety and other people, following through and repairing when you make mistakes. So this this technique.

it basically what you're trying to do is every time we let a child participate in a real supported decision, which you and I love to do. We talk a lot about co-creating with our kids. We give them practice using the skills they're gonna need when we are not there to make every decision for them. Because it they don't necessarily think through all those details. You know, they may c pick up on a couple of them, but it's a great way of saying, you know.

Kyle and Sara Wester (11:52.942)
kind of helping them practice the okay, here's the things we need to consider as we're saying yes to something. You know, something as adults you're kind of used to running through. But they need that practice and you can do it with them before they're off and out. Just can I throw can I throw even one that I'm thinking of. I was helping this one family a few years ago, Sarah, where the kid they wanted the kid to go talk to the teacher about about

some conflict that happened class, right? And so at first the kid was nervous. A lot of kids are to go do that, right? So I'm thinking how this yes and could even work in that. It's like the kid, what I was helping coach the family through was the kid was like, I want my parents to do it for me, right? Will you do it for me? And I told them like what I would say is yes and you're gonna be with me when I do it. Yeah. Right. Because I'm not gonna go do it without you. I'm gonna do it with you. Right. And then

What you can move that towards is yes, I will be with you and you're gonna say it. Right. Yeah. So then, like it's it's like you're still you're constantly guiding. So when the kid is expressing that instead of saying, No, I'm not gonna be there, you have to do that on your own, or yes, I'll do it for you. I just think that's like a an example of where you're still teaching the tool and you're guiding them. and they're they're then you you're listening to what they're worried about, but you're also still.

realizing there's something they're missing here that I need to model for them. Right. Right. Yeah. Okay. So when when parents, we know you mentioned this, Sarah, when they're tired and stressed, we we've been there, no for this works for me, but no can become an automatic protection response. Like, I don't want to do that. No, I'm not taking you there, right? pausing to ask, is there a safe yes in here? Helps parents move from just being reactive to what's being asked, and and just trying to control it to actually

being a thoughtful leader in your home. Yeah. You know? And this is very di this is very much like we want to make sure we're pausing, we're understanding, then leading. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's what I was gonna say. I just think it's sometimes we feel this pressure to give an immediate answer. And even if a friend is standing right there waiting, you'd be like, I just need a couple minutes, let me think. You know, we need to give ourselves permission to think about how can I if I if I think this is a space, there's a little bit of a yes here. Mm-hmm

Kyle and Sara Wester (14:09.992)
And I need to think about what my and is gonna be. Just take a moment to do that. You know, it's okay to slow a moment down, remind yourself of this and what your goal is and and think. Well what I like it is just adding that answer causes, like you said, to pause and go, what could you know, what what's the point of this conversation right now? Is it just to s you know let them do it or stop them from doing it? Or is there like a real moment of connection here where we can really be intentional about guiding? Yeah? Yeah. So obviously, teens sometimes,

You know, they may not always like the limit that's gonna be set. They may still push back because they may see it as you trying to control them or that you don't trust them, you know. but a real yes can communicate my parent sees me as someone who is growing. And I I've seen kit teens feel this way. Yeah, like you see me as someone who's growing. My voice matters here. My parent is helping me find a way and not just reactively shutting me down. I can earn and handle more freedom.

In a sense of like showing I have responsibility, I can take on this, I can be safe in this stuff. and the big picture is there's just a path forward, right? Because like I said before, when they get the no, I know I did, and maybe you did as well, Sarah, but I immediately started thinking, well, how else can I get this? You know, you told me no, but I'll find a way to talk to you when you're more tired and more willing to say yes. You know? Yeah. so when children learn that bringing a request to us.

may lead to a thoughtful conversation, not just that automatic no, they have more reason to keep coming back to us, right? More reason to keep engaging us in that conversation. We want to make sure we are we do not overpromise that they will always disclose or stop arguing. Okay. So like that's not that this is I when I when Sarah and I were thinking about this, I was thinking about how many parents talk about the kids trying to negotiate with them. So it doesn't mean this is like a magic wand.

Right. I think that's really important for us to hold to 'cause we sometimes we're so desperate or you know, if you have a hard moment you're like, it's gonna work here and and this isn't we're not saying this is gonna be the one piece you've been missing and now your home is full of peace and magical and and and so you'll still have that. You'll it's depending on the personality of your kid especially. But but it's still a way you're still conveying, they're still taking that in and as you practice it even they will learn it.

Kyle and Sara Wester (16:27.978)
it'll start to become part of the business. Yeah, they'll go, Okay, they're they're hearing me here, but there needs to be some structure to it. Yeah. And they can participate in that structure. And you what, Sarah, they might even put their own limits. Yeah. I mean, really that's the ultimate thing. That yes, this is about them being little, but it's when they leave at eighteen, how when they want something for themselves, right, they can say yes to themselves and put a limit on it. Right. Like like almost like they could be thinking, this is to me, I'm just big picture

I get excited about this. I'm thinking as our kids go to college and there's that moment where you know you've got a paper due, yet this friend's like, Hey, come over, hang out, we'll have pizza, watch a movie. And they could say yes, and I have to leave by eleven to go back to my dorm and get that paper done. Yeah. It could be yes, and I'm gonna work on my paper for a couple hours and then I'll be over. I mean, there's there's so many different scenarios. But but so often when kids haven't been taught that, Sarah, like

They'll just say yes and it's like, forget the pain. Or they think yeah, they often can think that same way. It's a yes or a no. Yeah, they'll say, No, I can't go at all. I have to do this. And like, okay, well maybe it could work both ways, just see if it can if you put that limit. But many people they think it has to be either I go or I don't go. Yeah. Instead of putting those boundaries. Yeah. Money is a huge one. Yeah, that's good. Yes, I want this. Okay, how can I pay for it? Yeah. You know, it may not be right now, but yes, you can have that. How are you gonna pay for it? Or how can you earn money? Or or

Yes, I can, but this is the budget I have, so I'm gonna switch and get this thing instead. There's so many learning opportunities around that instead of just no, you can't have that. Yeah, which is gonna help them all throughout their life. But if I want that, I can say yes to it and I need to work more hours this weekend or Yeah, I don't have that cash sitting right here. Yeah, do overtime. Yeah. Or maybe cut back on those drinks I'm getting at Starbucks or something, and that's gonna help pay for it. That's that's great. so here here's the real like when you're thinking about how to do this practically.

you want to stop for a second and ask yourself some questions. So when the kid is asking the request, start with this one, right? What is the real request? What is my child actually asking for? So that takes a moment to pause and reflect upon that. It may not only be a sleepover, it may be about belonging and connection and fitting in with these people, right? it may not only be just another activity, it may be I want to master this this thing or I my identity.

Kyle and Sara Wester (18:49.96)
Is is wrapped up in that thing I want to do, or there's friendships that I want to cultivate through that, right? and it may not be about a letter a later bedtime, and maybe I just don't want to just stay up. It may be this feeling that I think that that gives me some independence. It gives me this sense of growing up and some some capability in my life. number two is know what must be true. So before answering, consider this. Is it safe? Does it fit our values? What does it cost? What time or transportation does it require?

What responsibilities need to happen first? And is my child ready for this level of responsibility? Right, right. Those are all I was thinking of some funny ones. Like if you have a 13 year old who's like, Can I get a tattoo? You know, that's like, yeah, that that's that's not hitting these points. Not at all. Yes. Right? So you that's so that's a that's a that is a no. That is a or it's a yes and when you're eighteen. No, and some parents will say that yes, and when you're eighteen. Okay, yes. Right. So that's a good little I love that sort of let me run it by my

system here check boxes. Yeah, my filtering system. Number three, find the honest yes. So ask what part of this request can I support? Sometimes the answer will be yes with a boundary. Sometimes it will be not yet, but here is what what needs to happen first. And sometimes it'll just be a clear no. So kind of ask that. Number four would be add a structure. Keep it short and clear. Yes you can go and we will pick you up at nine or yes you can play outside and stay where I can see you.

I love that. How many times does our kids do? Can we go outside? Yes, but I have to be able to see you from I don't want you going down the block, right? Yeah, in the backyard. Or I will be working in the garage, stay in this area. Yeah. But too often it's just a no. And then the kid is like, I want to go outside, right? Or yes, you can join the activity and we are choosing one this season. Just just one. yes, you can spend your money on that. And remember, you will not have it for the other thing you wanted. Okay. I mean, that's that that's what I'm sure parents say a lot.

number five, let them carry their part. So freedom grows when responsibility grows. Okay. So as the kids more responsible, you're able to then expand their level of exploring their freedom. Right. And and their ability to give you the ands. You know, I I think we we kind of touched on that earlier, but I just want to highlight that again. The older they are, the more they should be able to participate and can participate in providing their own.

Kyle and Sara Wester (21:13.856)
Yes, I I I you say yes, but w tell me about how you're gonna do that. What when you're gonna be home or who you're gonna be with or you know, so they can be practicing those things. Well, and that's another one I think a lot of parents can resonate with is that yes, you can go over there and I need to know who they are and what yeah, what adults are gonna be around. And it'd be great. Well you eventually wanna get to where that dance, if you're doing at a young age, right? If you're not doing a bunch of no's at a young age, but you're doing this, then the kid just gets used to that dance and they'll say, yeah

Can I go X, Y, V? And I'm going to make sure I get their phone numbers or I'll make sure I text you when I leave. That's a big one, you know? I'll make sure I let you know when I go. But because what happens, Sarah, and I know you know listeners have probably heard these stories if it hasn't happened to them, is like if it's not that way, then I'll see these teenagers who parents will just say no and the kid will go,

They think by tracking me, they know where I am. I'll just leave my phone over there or I'll let my phone run out of batteries and then they can't get a hold of me. And like there's all these ways in which it becomes about a power struggle. And that's what the yes and is trying to get away from. It's not about control and power. Right. It's actually teaching them how to think through these things so they can do it. Yeah. So here's just some real life examples that we came up with. So playing outside. You can play outside and stay in the backyard where I can see you. And as they get older, you can ride to the park and you need to be with this friend.

Keep your phone on and be home at five. Okay. So that's a real friends and social plans. Yes, you can go to your friend's house and we need to know which adult will be there and you'll be home by dinner. For a teenager, yes, you can go to the game. And the plan is that we pick you up at 10. If something changes, you text us before the plan changes, right? Those are ones we kind of brought up. activities. Yes, you can do an extracurricular activity and we're gonna choose one that works at our family's home, our finances, and your school responsibilities, because some of those are really expensive.

I know and take up so much time. but there's that that leads to an important discussion where children do not need to participate in every opportunity. That's something we say to our kids a lot. They they'd bring up like three or four, and I'd be like, well, why not these other five? Like, there's so many guys. Like, we need to as a family decide what fits with our schedule, our values, our money, all that kind of stuff. Technology, that's that's a huge one. Yes, you can use your phone to connect with friends and it charges in the kitchen at night.

Kyle and Sara Wester (23:27.532)
Yes, you can have gaming time and and homework, movement, and family responsibilities still matter. And the last one here is money. Yes, you can buy that with your spending money. And that means you may not have enough left for the other thing you wanted. And this lets the natural outcomes teach without you having to shame them or feeling you need to shame them. Yeah, yeah. Cause you can just say it real matter of fact. yeah, you can get that. Remember, that means you won't be able to get

The whole thing is not deciding helping them realize that, come to that awareness and make the choice they want to make and then deal with the disappointment or the joy in that decision. Well, once again, you're trying to we're trying to raise healthy humans. We're not just raising kids who do what we ask. We want them to have the ability we model by stopping and thinking through it and then helping them make a decision that we can create together. Okay. So sometimes though

Obviously, there are times the answer is just no. Yeah, like the tattoo, right? Yes, that's right. Or rather, with a little kid, I feel like a big one is always that car seat, you know. that's right. Yeah. Yeah. You've got to be buckled in, or or you can't just run across the street and you know, you can't have five cookies for dinner. Well, sometimes that maybe there is no safe, healthy, or workable yes. You thought that might not be. So maybe that's no, I cannot let you go to that party as it is planned currently, right? No, I'm not comfortable with that app right now.

No, we are not adding another activity this season, right? So sometimes no is important and healthy. but you even want to make sure you're you're still looking for a path forward. Right. And just seeing if one still exists. And if you if your child knows they can trust you to be looking for that yes, then it helps them, it helps ease a little. I find it's a little easier to have the no hundred percent in those places because they they realize you're not just a no, no, no, no, no, no, no person. Yeah.

Well, and so the I love this example of here. I cannot say yes to that plan. I may be open to a different plan if we can make it safe. Or not yet, here's what I need to see before we revisit it. You know, and that's kind of even what we said about the phone when our kids first asked phone. It was like, not yet, but here's what I need to see before so I I was looking for ways in which the kids were showing self-control in other areas to kind of help them be mindful of what it looked like when they had the phone. Right. so

Kyle and Sara Wester (25:41.942)
Yes and does not mean every request becomes a negotiation. That is not what we are saying. You do not want to get in that. It means we do not confuse being in charge with closing every door. Right. Okay. So here's some common mistakes that we'll wrap up with common mistakes to to address with. A fake yes. So don't give a fake yes. Kids can sniff that out a mile away. So sure you can if if you clean your room perfectly for six months, pay for it, arrange

Same. That's not the same. That is not a real yes. It teaches kids that bringing a request to you is pointless. Okay. Or you add too many conditions. Like the structure should make the yes workable. You know, don't bury it. giving freedom without the kids' ability to be ready for that, right? So a child needs freedom, they can reasonably practice, not a level of freedom that just sets them up to fail. Yeah. Okay.

or trying to use it during times when they're actively dysregulated. So this is a planning and leadership tool. It's not a script to use when you're in crisis with a kid. Right. so if there's danger, aggression, or intense escalation, you gotta start with safety and regulation. and then also forgetting to follow through. I think that's a big one. Okay. Very, very important. We've we've put a note in your phone, an alert. Yes, because if the boundary matters, you gotta follow through calmly. Otherwise the child learns the and doesn't mean anything.

Okay. So this is such a great tool. And this is why it inspired us to do this episode with you. Is a great tool because it shifts the family from being a gatekeeper, you know, like you you trying to close the fence on things, like or putting a stop to these requests. you're not you're you're not a gatekeeper against your kid. instead, like we're not we're not trying to say this. We're not trying to say convince me why I should let you. That's not what we're saying.

We're saying, let's see whether we can make this work in a responsible way. Yeah. Yeah. It helps children experience that their wants can be discussed. I love that. limits are not personal rejection. That's fantastic. Family values guide decisions. Independence is built. It's not just handed over all at once, because that would be scary and irresponsible. Mistakes can become information for the next decision. so if you're co-parenting, it also creates a shared question.

Kyle and Sara Wester (28:01.026)
What would need to be true for us to feel good about saying yes to this? And that is much more useful than one parent being the fun one and the other one being the no parent. And you know, if you've been in that dynamic, I know we're talking that that isn't just in divorce things, that's in a lot of homes. It is for sure. One parent is seen as that fun one. And then so I even like this though, if there is a case where parents are split, that that can happen too, where they feel like the other parent is the fun one, never setting any limits, and then you feel like you've got to be the no parent.

Who's being responsible? But like this gives them another option. Right. Yeah. Right. so I encourage you just to try this once a week. The next time your child asks for something, don't automatically say yes and don't automatically say no. Pause and ask yourself: Is there a real yes here? And what would need to be true for it to work? Your child doesn't need unlimited access or or autonomy. They need a parent who can help them grow into the freedom that they have.

One wise decision at a time. Yeah. So I hope that gives you some practical ways to start yes anding your kids today. I mean, no matter how old they are, this is never too late. going, but if if your kids are really young, this is so amazing to start really early with them. So this just becomes part of the values in your home. It's part of the culture, you know, that that we aren't against each other. We're not here to stop you from doing things, we're here to help co-create.

You know, something that respects both of our wishes and our desires. Yep. Okay. So thank you so much for taking the time to listen today. we love it. If you if you think this would help any parents you know, take time to share this, spread the word about the podcast, because we want to help as many families as we can. And we thank you so much for your being dedicated to listening and just being part of this community. So we hope you have a great day.

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