What You Focus On, Grows: How to Shift Your Parenting Perspective and See the Good

Have you ever noticed that once you start focusing on something, you suddenly see it everywhere? For example, you may be thinking about buying a specific car, and then it feels like that model is all around you.

This isn’t just coincidence; it’s your brain’s way of filtering and prioritizing information. The same principle applies to how we view the people closest to us: our kids, our spouse, our friends. What we choose to focus on shapes what we see.

Imagine waking up each day feeling grateful for the small things in life. Picture yourself noticing positive interactions and joyful moments instead of fixating on problems or annoyances. This is the transformation that intentional focus can bring into your life.

The Brain is Wired for Negativity

Research shows that the brain has a "negativity bias." This means our brains register negative experiences more readily than positive ones. For example, a study by psychologist Dr. Rick Hanson found that negative feelings stick to our minds like Velcro, while positive interactions tend to slide off like Teflon.

This explains why you might remember a child's whining more than their laughter, or why a partner's annoying habit overshadows their loving gestures. This bias is there to serve us; it helped our ancestors survive by keeping them alert to dangers.

Several years ago, I was sitting on the exit ramp of a highway in a long line of cars when I was suddenly rear-ended. It was a several car pile up that happened because someone didn't stop in time and plowed into myself and several other cars. For many months afterwards, when I reached that same part of the highway, I'd notice myself watching my mirrors and being on alert. Even though I had driven that same highway for years without incident, this one event took over. My brain focused on this one negative time in order to protect me. Our brains have a negative bias to help us. However, in our modern relationships, it can skew our perceptions and weaken connections.

If we focus only on the things that bother us, we risk overlooking the beautiful and heartwarming moments that enrich our lives.

The Power of Intentional Focus

Fortunately, we CAN train our brains to notice the positive aspects of our lives. This doesn't mean ignoring challenges. Instead, it encourages us to find balance. By intentionally looking for the strengths and efforts in our children and spouses, our perspective shifts.

For instance, if you typically see your child's stubbornness, try recognizing their bravery when trying something new. When we focus on the good, we amplify it. Research indicates that individuals who shift their focus towards positivity report significant improvements in their relationships, experiencing increased happiness and stronger connections.

Practice Noticing the Good

This concept isn’t just feel-good advice; it has solid scientific backing. Dr. Barbara Fredrickson's research emphasizes the importance of acknowledging positive experiences. She found that those who consciously focus on the good build emotional resilience and improve their relationships.

Consider setting aside a few minutes each day to note the good moments. This could be as simple as writing down three things you appreciate about your child or partner. A study in the Journal of Happiness Studies showed that regular gratitude practices can lead to a 25% increase in reported happiness levels.

Transforming Your Reality Through Gratitude

Incorporating gratitude into your daily life can yield profound benefits. Data suggests that individuals who practice gratitude regularly report feeling 10% happier and more satisfied with life. They also experience stronger relationships.

Start with small steps. Each night, take a moment to reflect on your day. Ask yourself: What made you smile? Who did you appreciate? These moments of reflection actively reinforce a positive mindset, turning good experiences into lasting memories.

Focus on Strengths, Not Weaknesses

To shift your focus effectively, consciously highlight the strengths of those around you. Rather than dwelling on flaws, celebrate achievements—no matter how minor they may seem.

For example, if your partner often forgets to take out the trash, recognize their commitment to making dinner each night or their efforts in caring for the kids. An emphasis on strengths fosters appreciation and reduces criticism.

Open Up the Conversation

Sharing your focus shift with others can create transformative experiences. Encourage loved ones to join you on this journey. Talk about the importance of positivity and invite them to share what they appreciate about each other.

This openness strengthens bonds and cultivates a supportive environment where everyone feels valued. Research indicates that when couples engage in positive conversations, they increase their relationship satisfaction by up to 30%.

Cultivating Empathy and Perspective Taking

As you shift toward positivity, do not forget to cultivate empathy. Understanding where others come from and recognizing their struggles enhances connections.

Empathy is the foundation of strong relationships. When engaging with your children, partner, or friends, take time to ask how they are feeling. Validate their emotions and experiences. This approach not only shows that you care but also opens the door to deeper conversations and understanding.

A close relative but distinct skill to empathy is "perspective taking." Perspective taking is the cognitive ability to understand another person's viewpoint, thoughts, and motivations. While empathy is the emotional understanding, perspective taking is the cognitive understanding. It is helpful to relationships to understand where someone may be coming from even if we don't share the emotion.

A Final Thought

What we focus on shapes our reality and influences our relationships.

By consciously shifting our attention from negativity to positivity, we can transform how we perceive and interact with the world around us. It involves balance and intentionality in our thoughts and actions.

Start with simple practices like gratitude, focusing on strengths, and fostering empathy and perspective taking—these can shift your attention, enhance your connections, and create a richer, more fulfilling life.

Embrace the power of focus, and witness the transformation in your reality. Below is a simple worksheet to help get you started. Print out the list and circle the ones that apply to your loved ones. Review this list often and look for these qualities.

Power of Perception Worksheet