Episode 221

Episode 221 Transcript:

I mean, honestly, have you ever looked at your child and thought, why are they so sensitive? Why do they why do they talk back so much? Why are they so intense? Why are they so quiet? Why can't they be more like their brother or sister? You know, most parents don't think these things because they want to hurt their kid. They think them because parenting can be so hard. And when something feels hard over and over again, our brain starts looking for the problem.

And sometimes, unfortunately, we decide that the problem is our kid. It's their sensitivity, it's their strong will, it's their quietness, it's their intensity, it's just their way of seeing the world. But what if some of the things we're trying to fix are actually not broken and never were? What if our job is not to erase who our kid is, but to help them use who they are better? Today we want to talk about the difference between guiding behavior.

In trying to change who your child is. And you're going to be given direct steps today on how to differentiate: is this a moment of acceptance or is this a moment of guidance? And it is going to be transformational, I'm telling you, for how you possibly view not only your kids, but your marriage and even yourself. Because all too often we do this to ourselves. And if if you're listening to this and you're saying, Man, I wish I had some one-on-one help with this.

Please reach out to me at Kyle at ArtofraisingHumans.com. We get to help coach parents all over the world every day learn how to work together as a couple towards seeing their kids differently, guiding them, setting boundaries, discipling them into becoming the humans that not only you want them to become, but actually the humans that they were always meant to be. And it makes parenting so much more enjoyable. And I would love to do that with you. Also, if you have not yet

Kyle and Sara Wester (38:59.324)
rated, reviewed, and left a comment. We'd love hearing back from you about how the podcast has helped you, helped your family, all those that always give Sarah and I so much joy and keeps us wanting to do more and more of these podcast episodes to help you. And you will definitely find a lot of helpful information today. So sit back, you're ready to enjoy on finding the difference between do I need to accept my child or do I need to guide them today? Because maybe they're never broken. Maybe I actually don't need to fix them. It's going to be super

transformational in your relationship.

Kyle and Sara Wester (00:01.186)
Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. This is Kyle. Hey everybody, welcome. This is Sarah. And you know, Sarah, lately what I've seen a lot whenever I'm helping coach parents at the practice is lots of times we'll start out to where we're really helping the parents focus on changing themselves first. And the parents like, yeah, I think that's important. And then we'll work on supporting the kid, right? So so lots of times it'll work like in combination, you start helping the parent with the kid.

But then as time goes by, I find sometimes parents slip back in to just being super annoyed with the behavior the kid is doing. And I I know sometimes we've done that as well. Well, for sure. You know, you yeah, you have those tough moments and you think, I've been working so hard and I feel like I'm I'm hitting this wall. Well, and then you feel like I just want this behavior to change. Like, why is my kid still doing this? Why are they still losing their water bottles or forgetting their homework?

Or whatever that thing is. I'm sure every listener right now is going, yes, there's that thing that keeps going. And it's it's kind of hard to figure out, is this just something that's messed up with my kid? Or is this maybe a skill issue? Is it a personality issue? How do I get this to change? Yeah. Yeah. And we're real big on believing. And we if you've listened to our podcast for any time at all, we believe that kids need coaching. They need connection.

They need to know how to live with other human beings. Like that's a super important skill because we don't want our kids leaving our house and not knowing how to do that, how to get along in society. But what they don't need, and this is what we we can kind of slip into us two, is they don't need us to try to fix the parts of them that were never, ever broken. You know, some things are behaviors to guide, some things are skills that we need to intentionally try to develop. some things are wounds that need to heal, and some things are simply just

Who they are. Right. And I think the work of parenting is learning the difference, you know, knowing where each of those land with your own kid. Yeah. Yeah. I think as a question, I mean, maybe we don't consciously always think about that, but we all know that we have personality traits or or you know, whatever you want to call it. There's things about about you that you think, okay, I'm kind of working on this, and there's other things you're like, well, that's kind of who I am, you know. I'm loud.

Kyle and Sara Wester (02:13.536)
And I'm out there or I'm, you know, whatever it might be, you know. So I think we kind of think about that with our kids. Like, how much do I what do I do with this? I love how you phrase it that way because it's kind of like as we talk about this, I want our listeners to be thinking about how they do that with themselves. I think we do that with people we're parenting with, you know, our spouses. That's the same kind of thing. Friends, even you might be like, you know, Bill. yeah. Yeah. I I have a friend who's all who's late quite a bit. And so you think, like, is that just

Who that person is, or is this something that needs to change? Yeah. And so so the main question that we're hoping to kind of just inspire in you when it comes to thinking about this idea is am I helping my child grow or am I trying to just make my child easier for me? Right. And most of the time it's the latter in my case. Well, I mean, right? that's a pretty tempting. Yes, that's right.

Take some load off, some stress off if my kid could just like work on this. Exactly. Well, like you said, yeah. Make it easier. I think about that with people in traffic. There's all types of people I want to change. Just drive like I want them to drive. The world will be a better place. But that question is so important because sometimes we are not actually correcting a problem. Sometimes we're just reacting to a part of our child that scares us, that exhausts us, or just feels uncomfortable or unfamiliar. Yeah, and we're worried about.

Maybe it's about us and maybe it's about yeah, I know I this is in there somewhere. We always have notes, guys. And so sometimes I get jump around on the notes. But but we are also worried about them and their success. Yeah. So we'll get we'll get into that more about this other side. There's a couple sides of what's in it for me for my child change. And then there's no, but what's in it for them? And that's a huge driving force, that whole fear element of parenting where we worry about the future for our child. Yeah.

with this thing. So yeah. Carry on. Yeah. So I think the typical fear is if if we don't do something about this right now, it's going to become a bigger problem later. It's going to hurt their friendships. They're going to they're not going to succeed at life. They're going to be homeless and not make any money, right? All those kind of things. And so a sensitive child can become well, what if they cannot ha handle life? You know, what if every time they're overwhelmed, you get this fear as a parent, my gosh, like how are you going to handle anything hard? when you have a strong willed kid

Kyle and Sara Wester (04:28.428)
You start to think, what if they never respect authority? Are they gonna are they gonna talk back to everybody? You know? Is it those strong-willed children? They're tough ones. Yeah. And then a quiet kid, the fear is what if they don't speak up? What if somebody takes advantage of them? What if somebody bullies them and or peer pressures them into something, you know? and then if you have an intense child, what if they're just too much for people? You know, what if all the people in their life just want wanna leave them because they're just too much and they're not gonna have successful relationships in the in the future, right?

and all that fear makes sense. I know you and I have felt that at times about each of our kids and their unique personalities. Yes, I'm gonna jump in here and say the we're using these examples and and throughout this whole thing, we're gonna kind of use, you know, we're gonna talk about things, but I want you to pause for a sec, think about that label or that fear you have for your kid. Cause I think we all have them about each of our kids. You know, there's a couple things that we think, man, they're like this. Yeah and this is what I'm worried is gonna happen.

as they continue in into adult life. You know, we have those things. So just pause and we're gonna use our examples and we're gonna talk about it, but then we're gonna try to give this big picture that you can apply it to whatever that worry is for you and your child. Yeah, and I think some of the common questions we start to ask is is my child gonna be okay? Are are they gonna have friends? Are they gonna be respectful and responsible human beings in society? Will they be able to handle disappointment when things don't go their way? Will they be able to function in the real world?

But those fears and those kind of questions can make us many times overreact. You know, we have big res big reactions to them. So what we do, and I'm guilty of this, we lecture longer, we start to compare them to other kids and how they're doing dealing with it. We start to label them, we start to push harder or we try to shape them into someone who feels less scary for us to raise. So I wanna say that real quick, and because this is, I think, a key point that lots of times

We just don't hear this said or we don't think about it. That lots of times what we're doing is as parents, we're trying to shape them into someone who feels less scary to raise because it it causes us that fear. We don't like it, so we want to change it, so we don't feel that. And when it and when a child feels like they are the problem, and I get to help a lot of kids here in Tulsa who feel like they're the problem, they may stop trusting us with the deepest parts of themselves. They start to hide, they start to withdraw.

Kyle and Sara Wester (06:48.29)
And they just don't share things with you because that they don't want all that fear sent back to them. And what it's gonna do eventually, it's gonna not it's it's gonna make it harder for them to grow and change and just make them kind of stuck in a shame cycle. Yeah, because it it's like kids really do, whether they say they do or not, they want you to think well of them, right? And and it's very threatening and they think, these are the parts of me you don't wanna see that I need to hide.

These are the parts of me that are broken and messed up. I need to store these away. I can't come to you with that vulnerability. and we parents don't mean to, but either through anger, through that guilt, shame thing that can pop up on our facial expressions, even if we're trying to stuff it, it sends this message to kids that they need to tuck that away. We don't like that. Don't show us that.

Yeah. We can't handle that part of you. And so what's cool about all of the brain science, and we've shared a lot of the brain science in the podcast throughout the past episode. So I encourage you to go back and check those out. Is when you look at the brain science, it tells us how to, you know, what it is that helps our kids get to the best of themselves. Where if they do need to grow and change, they're willing and ready to do it and able to learn and grow. and and so there there are consistent messages. And so the two particular ones that that we want to focus on today are the messages I am loved as I am.

So basically, like this message of unconditional love. You are loved just as you are, and I am capable of growing. So those are two very important messages that we hope as parents our kids leave our house when they grow up with those firmly wired in their brain. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Because they need both of those. If we only accept everything and never guide, our child may not develop the skills they need. Right. So it's important to have that acceptance piece, but also you gotta have the other one tied to it.

But if we only correct and rarely accept, our child may begin to believe there's something wrong with them. And of course they'll they'll actually say that, you know, they'll t they'll say that to me in in a session, you know. I feel like my parents think there's something wrong with me. kids do not always separate behavior from identity. So when we say things like, Why are you so sensitive? Or why are you being so dramatic? You're always so dramatic. Why do you always have to argue or talk back? why can't you just calm down?

Kyle and Sara Wester (09:03.97)
What they're actually hearing, and I think this is important for you to know, when they hear those messages, the way they reinterpret it is, I'm too much or I'm a problem. I disappoint my parents. I am only loved when I am easy. So the goal is not to stop guiding, which is Sarah and I are big on that. We think discipleship is an important part of your job as a parent. the goal is to guide behavior without rejecting who they are. the message is we want our child

The message we want our child to receive is this I love who you are and I will help you grow. Yeah. And and I think so I'm just gonna point out if you're like me, you're like, Woo, all the places you mess up floods through your brain and you feel like, man, I don't think I'm always doing that and stuff. So again, we love we love looking at this stuff ourselves. We talk about it, we're working on it, we will always be working on it.

So I just want to say easier said than done situation, right? This is this is hard work. This is the work we have as parents to be building this in ourselves and it's not perfection. Again, we have lots lots of conversations about repair. Yeah. So I just want to highlight we're this is not perfect. We're not going to be perfect. But if we can just keep talking, having these conversations and looking at ourselves, you know, it helps us grow and and show up. Well, even though I hope every listener feels that from all the podcasts we do.

Is we feel the same way about everybody we get to help, either through the podcast or who we get to coach one-on-one with or every kid we get to meet. I love who you are and I will help you grow. That is at the heart of what we which we get ourselves into that space when we're doing the podcast and we're helping people. And because we we want to get better at it with each other as a couple, but also better at it with our kids. Yeah. You know? so so what we would suggest is before you try

Trying to fix something in your kid. You know, I know we've been there, like, what is going on with Abby? We need to do that, you know, and immediately the thought is like, how do we fix that? Or how do we change that in Brennan or whatever we're doing with our kids? Before you try to fix something in your kid, ask this question: Is this something to erase or something to guide? Many times the part of our child that frustrates us is actually not the problem. And I I know if you're listening, you know that. You know that's true, right? You know, if you think about it, you know that's true.

Kyle and Sara Wester (11:26.474)
It is a strength that does not yet have the skills it needs. I mean, so often that's all you're seeing. You're just seeing the weakness. You're seeing the flip side of the coin to the strength. I mean, you know, you've probably we've talked about that too. We're like, I really dislike that about the, but they also do this. And it's like if you look at it, right? So instead of asking, how do we get rid of this? Like, how do we stop this behavior? Ask what is the good inside this and what skill does my child need to use it well? That question helps us parent.

With more wisdom and more understanding and more patience and more kindness. It keeps us from shaming the trait while still guiding the behavior. Yeah. Now I think that's really, really powerful way to pause in a moment and and get yourself into that space because then it changes the whole direction of how you're addressing something, right? If I if I look and go, my kid is so messy, right? Then I'm gonna approach that way different than if I go, I see.

the creativity, the spontaneity that is in my child, you know, and and it could be, you know, I'm just throwing out an extra. But that's a great one that they got art supplies everywhere. Yeah. And and I can relate to the this one and some kids. So there those things go together. And and I'm approaching it way different if I think, ooh, I don't want to squash that creativity, that spontaneity, whatever that exists in my child. And I see that some organization might also help. So how can I hold that and be careful with that?

While I'm guiding this. Yeah, that's great. So for instance, like a strong will child may not need their will to be crushed. They may need to learn flexibility. That'd be great. They need to learn how to speak in a respectful way and how to use their voice in a way that's actually going to be heard and received well. Yeah. where's like you can relate to that? I can relate to it. That's personal. That kid. That was that kid. It's still that a sensitive child may not need to toughen up. Okay.

They may actually need to learn how to handle those big feelings. And I I've got to help kids with both of these things. It's really cool when you start to shift it. Help them recover from hurt and not let every emotion take over. You know, help them not take everything personal. Yeah. So the goal is not stop being who you are. Like we don't like that. It's gross. my gosh, get rid of that. The goal is instead let me help you learn how to carry who you are with wisdom, maturity.

Kyle and Sara Wester (13:53.015)
And care for yourself and others. Okay. So it's beautiful. Yeah. So it's really so we don't want them to change who they are, but we're wanting to teach them how to carry who they are in a way that actually brings more good to the world. Yeah. Doesn't that just feel good? And I I hear that and I think, wow, to receive the message, even about ourselves to go to receive that message of I'm great. Yeah. And like this is how I am. I can hold this, I can carry this, and I can grow. And how do I want to do that without of having it to be a

rejection or a shame on me kind of situation. That's not the language that's going through my head. Yeah. Well, and's and that's kind of what inspired us to do this particular podcast. And I know every listener can relate to this where throughout life it is kind of confusing because the very things that are your strengths that everyone says, wow, you're really great at that, are also at other times people are like, get rid of that. And you're like, I don't know how I get rid of that without getting rid of the other. And so many of us go through some very challenging years where we're trying to get rid of the weaknesses.

And just have the strengths. And we have those critical voices running through our heads. Our teacher said, or our coach or our parent, or you know, you have those voices that that rise back up and you, why did I do that again? What's wrong with me? And well, and Sarah, even in the the parent coaching, when I'm talking to parents, the same thing is happening, right? And it's happened in our marriage too. We're like the things that are my strengths when I'm not in a good space, when I'm overwhelmed, they become weaknesses and then they hurt our relationship, right? And then I'd be like, why do I keep doing that? I need to change that. And then

When you and I started actually learning to accept each other as we are, but once again, not just stopping there, right, but believing that we can also grow. Like, like I'm never gonna be you, you're never gonna be me, but you're in my life to help me get better at doing some of the things you're good at. And I'm in your life to help you get better at some of the things I'm good at. I think so many times we as a society believe that we have to reject something to make it change. We have to push against it, we have to fight it.

Instead of acceptance and movement, acceptance and growth, where those things can go together. Cause people think, acceptance means you're just letting your kid get away with that behavior, or you're just letting yourself be a slob and laid everywhere and you know, all these all these kind of things. Instead of realizing that the more powerful action to take is the acceptance and growth, yeah, versus the pushing, you know, it's like in a river, you know, you're gonna get a life if you go with this versus

Kyle and Sara Wester (16:12.024)
Trying to always fight against something. Well, and if you go a little deeper as a parent, and at times Sarah and I have done this, that thing that you're seeing in the kid that you want to reject is many times that thing in you that you want to reject. It's a voice in your own head a lot of times. And and through that process of accepting them as they are and believing that they can grow and change, it also helps you as an individual do it as a parent. And that's what you're your kid's actually hoping you do that.

Rather than just And it's not healing that whole inside, yeah, your inner child. There's all there's really great material about that. But it is. It's this inside this something inside of you that that is unresolved. Yeah, so in kind of working through this topic, we thought of four different types that people tend to come up and check. There's more than four, but these are the four that we thought of. So I encourage you if you have another one, feel free to send it to us. Email us what's the one that frustrates you the most that's hard for you to accept, right? So the first one that we hear a lot about is sensitive kids, okay?

So sensitive kids often feel deeply, notice more, and feel deeply. Okay. That that can be really hard to parent. But sensitivity is not a weakness. I mean, I know it can seem like that when the kid is just losing it on a regular basis about things that don't seem all that important. But the strength inside that sensitivity is empathy, compassion, awareness, and tenderness towards others. The skill they need to learn, though, is handling those big feelings.

Without being overwhelmed by them. so instead of saying stop being so sensitive, we could try something different. We could say, you tend to feel things so deeply, and that is not a bad thing. So I'm gonna help you learn what to do with those big feelings. And I just love that. Like that's a really, really good. I think it every sensitive kid would love that. I know, because that's what you're wanting, really, you know, and for them to know, it's okay that I feel things big and

I don't need to be sunk by it every time it happens. You're gonna help me. You're gonna help me know how to be able to hold the my bigness and my big feelings and the sensitivity that I have. And and yeah, I mean, that's beautiful, right? Yeah. And then of course we hear a lot about strong-willed kids, right? strong-willed kids may question, they may push back, negotiate, and they always wanna say or they kind of wanna have the last word. And it can be super exhausting.

Kyle and Sara Wester (18:32.342)
I know I was one of those kids. But a strong-willed kid is not automatically defiant. The strength inside a strong-willed kid may be leadership, courage, conviction, and the ability to take a stand. You know, like I I I every time any of my friends got bullied, I stood up for my friends. You know, I will I would I would come back at the bully and and I would never let my my friends get taken advantage of by somebody, you know. the skill those kids need to learn is how to use their voice.

in a way that is respectful, you know, because it's gonna be more likely to be heard and and not not it's not gonna lead to more aggression. So instead of saying stop arguing with me, try, I don't wanna take away your voice, but I wanna help you use it in a respectful way.

Okay. And then some of you might have a quiet kid. I'm married to one. But anyway, so I have a quiet kid. Some kids, you know, they just need time to warm up. You know, sometimes they might be labeled as, you're so shy or something like that, right? they observe before joining. They think before speaking. What a concept. They they may not want to perform on demand. Yeah, and that can be that can be kind of annoying.

We have I was one of the I was this kid and we have one of these kids. Yes, yes, yeah. But that quietness, it doesn't have to mean being rude or weak or broken. the strength inside quietness may be you're being thoughtful, observant, you have some depth and some discernment. The skill that you want that kid to learn is how to speak up when it matters. Because there are times that your voice needs to be heard. So instead of saying, Why are you always so quiet?

Instead say this, say you don't have to be loud to be confident. Cause I mean that's what the world kind of tells right? Let's practice speaking up when you need help or when something truly matters to you. Mm-hmm. Would that have been nice? yeah. So nice. Well, you just don't know how to do that. And so to be given those skills and taught that and told your voice matters, that your thoughts are important and

Kyle and Sara Wester (20:36.78)
You know, there's there's all kinds of motivations behind that quiet child, you know, since I can relate so well. There's a lot of motivations there and you don't really get the chance if a you know, it's helpful if a parent can come alongside this. Sometimes you can hear the what's behind that quietness. And yeah, those tools would be great. And and the last one we were thinking of is kids that can be pretty intense. Sometimes I'd fall in this category too. But some kids experience life sometimes sometimes kids experience life with the volume turned all the way up.

And their joy is big, their frustration is big, their disappointment is big, their reactions are just overall big. And that can be tiring for parents. But intensity is not something that's bad. The strength inside intensity may be called passion, creativity, drive, a deep commitment. The skill they need to learn is how to pause, to regulate, and then to repair, because they're probably going to need to do a lot of repair. And so instead of saying,

You are just too much sometimes. Let's try something like this. Like, I love your passion. We are gonna work on how your reactions affect other people. So that way then they can be thinking about that. Because a lot of times they're just caught up in the emotion. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So so that this is what we're we're we're kind of pointing towards these different ways we see kids and we want to change them. Let's move towards how can we shape, you know, what kind of things do we want to shape in our kid? Okay.

this does not mean that we stop guiding, right? Like we we've looked at these things, we accept them as they are, but now like how are we gonna shape, how are we gonna guide this? so kids still need parents to shape them in multiple ways. So, some ways Sarah and I thought were they need help being kind, honest, respectful, know how to do repair, take responsibility, regulate their emotions, problem solve, follow through on their commitments, have flexibility, healthy boundaries, okay?

And so we believe, Sarah and I come back to this fundamental belief. We believe we do not need to fix who our kids are. We need to help them learn how to live well with who they are. And that mindset is really, really important. You approach something very different. I know I kind of was saying this earlier, but if I'm thinking I need to fix my child, that's a very different approach to, here's some skills I need to give you. Here's some things that are gonna help you in life.

Kyle and Sara Wester (22:54.604)
Yeah, and and and so I I just love that statement too, because I think kids are gonna be much more open and receptive to you when you come with that mindset. Okay. Yeah, then we've all had the experience probably of someone coming and fixing us or wanting to fix us, and that doesn't feel very good versus, hey, I got something that I think would help you. And then you're like, wait, what? What do you what do you have? yeah, that sounds really helpful. So Well, and so what we want to do, we're gonna kind of quickly just go through some age ranges of kids that you might have and kind of tell you.

Just basically some things that we would be looking for. So if we're helping a kid in in the in our private practice or we're coaching parents with these kids, these are the things be thinking, I'd want the kid maybe to have this guided more directly. Yeah, because there's a different approach for each age group. So we thought this might be fun to try and be helpful. Yeah. So at age eight to ten, you're helping them build language and safety. So at this kid's, at this age, kids are still building, you know, identity that they may hear correction as I am bad. I am too much. My parent does not like this part of me.

You can feel very personal at this age, so we need to be cautious of that, aware of it. Yes. So so instead of saying things like you're so dramatic, we're gonna try things like you have big feelings and I will help you learn what to do with them. Instead of saying you always argue, we're gonna say you have a lot of thoughts. Let's practice sharing them respectfully. the goal is for them to believe at this age, I am loved and I can grow. So going back to that basic concept we started, I'm loved and I can grow. Now, if you've got kids ages 11 through 13, we want to be thinking about how do we protect their dignity.

While teaching them skills. Because the the issue there at that age, tweens are really, you know, they're really wanting independence, but they still need your support. And so they may push back when they feel like you're controlling them, they may shut down when they feel like you're criticizing them. We see this all the time with kids that were helping. Yeah, you get a really silent child. Yeah, they may act like they don't care when they feel exposed. I mean, they'll say that a lot. We're we're actually gonna do a further podcast about that. Lots of kids at that age. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. At this age, dignity matters. Instead of

You need to stop being so difficult. Let's try. I can see you have strong opinions and I want to help you share them in a way that people can hear. Because that that's big to them. They want to be able to connect with people, you know, and they don't want to hurt their relationships and friendships, you know. And it's sending this message of value for them and coming alongside of them. And that's what you're talking about, that dignity. That it that's just something you really, really want to hold with this age group.

Kyle and Sara Wester (25:17.678)
Yeah. And so instead of saying, Man, you're so sensitive, because especially at that age, lots of parents get frustrated. Like, I got it when he or she was little. But you're a tw you know, you're eleven to thirteen, fourteen, whatever. You need to And they're gonna be. I mean, man, this age is really tough. We've talked about that in other podcasts. The brain, what it's going through, all that. That this age is is big with emotions. Yeah. So there instead of saying you're so sensitive, say, Hey, I notice you have always felt things so deeply, and that's not a bad thing. Let's work on what helps.

When those feelings get big. And then you try to help them give them some skills on how to manage those. And the the goal at that age is just to let them know, I see who you are, and I'm still going to guide you. Right. So I mean, this is like that middle school age, and like, you know, lots of parents like, they they weren't being as affectionate anymore. It was harder maybe to connect with them. but that they still need you. They still need you. They do. And and in this.

We're still saying there's the boundaries. Yeah. Right. It's not like, you're you're you've got really big feelings, so you can just scream at me and bash the wall. You know, it's within these boundaries, but it instead of a coming against them again, it's coming with them to say, here, I can help with that. And so ages 14 to 18, before they leave your house, you're looking at protecting connection and still maintaining influence. Yeah, very important. With with teens, the temptation to fix

Can get stronger because the stakes feel so high. So you've got to fix them now before they leave the house. And I will hear so many parents I'm coaching, they will say that. Like we only got a few more years. You feel that pressure. You know, it's like am I failing them? You know, that's really the question at the end of the day. Have I given my teen? They're just about to leave. Have I given them everything? Yeah. So you're thinking like grades.

Friends, my gosh, driving and dating, their mental health, working, they're getting jobs now, and planning their future. Yeah, you know, but teens are also asking for deeper, they're asking some deeper identity questions. Like, do my parents actually like who I'm becoming? Yeah. You know, do they actually enjoy me? Yeah. Can I be honest with them about these hard things that maybe I'm doubting myself and I don't believe in myself? Do do they only accept me when I make the choices that they understand that they think are right?

Kyle and Sara Wester (27:26.028)
So for teens, we have to be careful not to turn every difference into something that's disappointing. Okay. So instead of, man, you're wasting your potential, try something like this. I see the strengths in you and I want to help you use them well. Instead of saying, I don't understand why you're like this, try something like, I want to understand how you see this. You know, something that I heard from a few kids that really hurt them was, what is wrong with you? Right?

And instead of saying that, like sometimes I find it hard to understand, you know, why you do things the way you do. I would like to understand you more. Tell me what's going on, right? And making that an invitation rather than a rejection. Okay. So we know teens definitely still need limits, they still need accountability, but they also need to know something very important that my parent is not trying to erase me or not trying to get rid of me or somehow think I'm a or you know, irrevocably broken. You know.

and that protects your influence. That keeps it to where way into adulthood, they're still gonna want to call you, they go to college, they're gonna be in touch with this. This is just really it's the important bridge into adulthood, you know, because they're gonna get they're gonna go to school, they're gonna leave home, all that kind of stuff. And if we can make this shift in this time frame, it creates that bridge to those adult years and having that connection with our adult children. Yeah. So okay, so now we're gonna talk about kind of in wrapping this up, when you're not sure.

You're thinking like, well, I don't know if this is a thing I should accept or something I need to guide. Just a few questions. Here's some questions that might help you differentiate what the approach needs to be. Okay. so number one is what is the trait? You know, what's the trait you're noticing? Like name it without judgment. It's like don't, he's lazy. He's he's irresponsible, you know? Like think about the trait. What's the trait and name it without judgment? Number two, what is the strength inside of that trait? So, like we said, sensitivity may carry empathy, strong wills may carry leadership.

quietness may carry thoughtfulness, intensity, passion. And I I really feel like Sarah, what once we start helping coach parents to get to this place, it starts helping them reframe it in a way that's moving towards a more helpful place. Yeah. The third one is what skill does that need? So we said sensitivity may need regulation, strong will, flexibility, quietness may need some the ability, the skill to self-advocate or speak up for yourself. The intensity may need to learn how to repair and and regulate better. Okay.

Kyle and Sara Wester (29:48.383)
and then finally, what what is one bound or what what's the boundary that is needed? So once again, as parents, we're we're helping that we're helping coach, we're always teaching it is still your job to set boundaries with them. So something like this you could say, you can be mad, but you cannot hit me, right? Or cannot hit others, or cannot break things, or cannot hurt things. You can you can disagree, but you cannot insult. you can be nervous, but we're still going to try anyway.

you can have big feelings, but repair still matters. And then follow up with them. This is huge. Then follow up and ask them what or ask yourself, what message do I want my child to receive? Because think about that. I mean, you you don't always have control over that. They may interpret things you do or say in different ways, but if you're more intentional and thoughtful about it, you can guide the message. So you are you wanting them to think you're the problem?

And I know every parent I talk to, they they don't want that. They don't want their kid to think they're the kid. instead, they you I think you want them to know you are loved, you are capable, and we are here to help you grow. And so we really gotta be have have gotta have that in the forefront, guiding us as we approach these situations with our kids. So I want to give you a real short example. This just happened the other day. This happened the other day. So our middle, our son, super inquisitive, loves to ask questions. And I I know every parent I've shared this with.

Has said, we have one of these kids too. He's one of those kids that likes to jump into almost every conversation and say, What are you guys talking about? You know? And he'll want to be filled in on every conversation. And immediately that triggers something in me. I get super annoyed and I'm like, I don't want to tell you what we're talking about. It's none of your business, right? And and and the last time this happened, and I I did react and I gave him a little short lecture about it. Like, stop buttoning there, mom and I are talking about something else. But as I was driving to work, I was going through this very framework and thinking about it that.

I love that about my son. I want him to be curious. I want him to ask questions. He actually was asking the question because he cares about his mom, cares about his dad. He wants to know what's going on so he can be helpful. You know? he wasn't just doing it to he wasn't trying to be rude or, you know, annoying in any way. That wasn't his goal. And so I was realizing I was getting triggered because I somehow feel it. I I get this message that he's.

Kyle and Sara Wester (32:06.338)
He's trying to control me. Like he's he's making me tell him the whole story. And I don't want to tell him the story. And then if I don't, then I look like a jerk and I don't want to be a jerk. And like, why do you make me do this, son? You know? And like that, that was the thought. And I know that's silly, but I'm sure many of you listening can relate to that. That it does feel like they're controlling you and making you do this. And so in talking over with Sarah and just doing some reflecting, I was like, I know that's not what he's doing. So I called him up and asked him, you know, what was it you were trying to do? He's like, I he exactly what I thought.

He was just curious. He thought maybe this situation was important for him to know about because it might impact his life because it impacts his parents' life. Right. And I was like, okay, okay. Well, let me let me give you some some wisdom on this, son, or some guidance on this. Okay. So here's what's happening in me. I feel like you're offloading the responsibility to me to not only listen to what your mom's saying, but then repeat it all back to you. And that's super annoying to me. And I don't want to do that. If you are curious, it would really help me if you just said this.

Say, hey, I know this conversation may have nothing to do with me, but would you mind sharing what you were talking about with me? And I said, that would really help me because then I would really feel like you're taking responsibility for the fact that you are curious, that you are jumping into a conversation. But then it gives me the freedom to maybe say, Well, I don't want to fill you on this, or or most time I probably will want to fill you in just because that's I really like how you said that, you know? And so through that, we were able to work through that conflict instead of me thinking, what is wrong with him, which is where I started.

I instead said, How can I help my son with this? Because there was this moment of fear that said, my gosh, if he keeps doing this, friends are gonna be so annoyed with him. And I and I even told him this. I said, dude, I may be the only problem, I may be the only person who ever has a problem with this. Maybe no one else will. But it's my brain says it is gonna be a big problem. And so that's why I reacted so big too, because I actually love you and I wanna stop you from making that mistake. But the exact opposite was happening because he was just feeling rejected, you know. So that's an example there.

Of how through that reflection, I was able to own it and then guide my kid with it. Take his strength and and see the weakness, but then move it back to how to how to ask the question he wants in a way that most people are gonna appreciate better, you know? Okay. So in just wrapping it all up, what we hope you go away with is the question that you you want to move away from is how do I fix my child? Okay, because your child is not broken, your child does not need fixing.

Kyle and Sara Wester (34:27.352)
The better question is this: what part of this needs acceptance and what part needs guidance? Your child is not a project for you to complete. Your child is not a person, your child is a person that you wanna know, love, guide, and prepare for life. So some things need correction, sure. Some things need practice, some things need limits, some things need support. But some things were never broken in the first place.

That's really important to remember. And they are acting exactly as they were supposed to. And that's a powerful idea. It is. In your marriages, in your friendships, it is with everybody you run into. And when your children feel love for who they are, I'm telling you, when your children feel love for who they are, when you feel love for who you are, your children are going to be more open to your help with who they are becoming. Right? Like I want you to get that.

When they know they're loved as they are, they're actually gonna let you in to be a part of developing who they become. Yeah, they they trust you, you know, because they feel like you're for them, you see them, you love them, you're hearing them. Yeah. And that just makes anyone more open. It makes parenting much more enjoyable, much more fun. Because you you're not spending all your time resisting them trying to change them. You're just loving, accepting who they are and getting to see them grow into an amazing human being. So you you don't you do not have to fix who your child is.

You get to help them become the healthiest version of who they already are. And that is the power that's at the core of parenting is that. And that's actually what your kids want you to do. They want you to be excited to see who they are because when they see that in your eyes, then they get excited to see who they are. So I hope this really helped you today better understand how to approach these, these ongoing, annoying things that you see in your kids and to know the difference and to know, do I need to accept this? Do I need to guide it? You know, which one do we need to do?

And we really appreciate you taking the time to listen to this. Definitely share this podcast with friends of yours that you know also are struggling with this over the summer. and we just thank you so much for taking the time to listen to us. Have a great day.