Episode 225

Have you ever had that moment where you are interacting with your kid and you're saying, my gosh, you are just like me. You know, maybe your child is the one who feels everything deeply, just like you did. Maybe they avoid hard things and get overwhelmed really fast, need things to be just right, or can go from calm to angry in a moment. And maybe a part of you is not only frustrated, a part of you is scared.

You remember what that trait cost you in this life. And you desperately don't want that for them, or you somehow want to change it in them. And today's episode, we're gonna walk you through not only being more aware of that, but also we wanna give you clear steps in those moments to change that pattern because that is key. You want to change this pattern because they, although they may look like you, although they are actually not you, and I know you know that right now as you're listening to this podcast, but in the moment,

It's hard to remember that because it seems like they're doing exactly what you would have done or acting in the way you would have acted. And you know, if you want to change these patterns, not only as you listen to this podcast, your awareness is going to raise and you're saying, Man, I want a different legacy for my kids. And that's what we do at Art of Raising Humans. So I would love for you to reach out, go to our website, artaraisinghumans.com, if you've not already checked it out. Sarah recently re-d whole new refresh with it. We've we've definitely updated everything on the website. Would love for you to check it out.

And there you'll see on there, click the coaching tab. And I would love to set up a time with you to talk about how we can change these patterns in your family. So without further ado, I want you to be able to jump into this episode and get the tools you need to help free your child from this belief that they're destined to make the same mistakes you made or follow the same path you followed. And hopefully through this, it'll draw you closer together to where you can be that calm.

leader that calm guide for your parents, for your kids to where they can come out of this with all the skills and tools they need to live a successful

Kyle and Sara Wester (00:01.1)
Welcome to The Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle. Hey everyone. I'm Sarah. And you know, Sarah, lots of times when you're raising your kids, there's these clear moments where you see something in yourself in your kid, and you're like, my gosh, they're acting just like me, right? Right.

I think every parent listening has probably had one of those moments, you know? I I I for me, I think those moments look like I definitely as a kid was that kind of kid. I would come back from a movie and I'd say, Mom, Dad, you gotta hear this movie. And then I would give every detail of that movie to my parents. And I remember feeling so frustrated because their eyes would start to glaze over and I'd be like, You're not listening to me. So I I actually try harder by giving more and more detail and more and more like which was undermining the whole thing.

And then I'll see our daughter Abby will do that sometimes when she'll come back sharing a story. And I'll be like, wow, she's going into a lot of detail here. And I'll be like, my goodness, she's doing exactly what I did. And I'm feeling a little bit like my parents did. Yeah, I think I mean, of course, we're super excited when it's something we're really proud of in ourselves. You know, like some talent or some way of, you know, Abby has this real great ease of talking to people that I see in you as well.

But then there's this flip side where we see our kid do something and you think, no, I know where this is going. Yeah. And and that worry comes up. And I think every parent can relate to that. They see something in their child and it worries them. Yeah. And I think some of the things you start thinking is, man, I don't want them to struggle the same way I struggled. Or I I know where this could lead because I've lived some version of that. And if I don't get on top of this now, I'm I'm gonna fail them, you know? Right.

Right. It hits a pain point inside of us and we love our child and we want to prevent them from having that same you you know, that whole I've been down this road, let me save them from that. Yeah, because I don't want them to go through the same pitfalls I went through, right? And you start wondering, like, why does be why does this behavior get under my skin so much more than it seems to bother anyone else? You know, so it it's good in that moment to be curious and start wondering what's it triggering inside of me? Okay.

Kyle and Sara Wester (02:16.596)
you know, a shared it's it's good to remember that a shared temperament, a shared struggle is not a prediction of their future. And I think that's what fear does. You know, when we get triggered, we go, no, I know exactly where this is going. And I know so many times when I'm coaching parents, Sarah, I'm like, No, you don't. Like it could go the same way, but it could go a totally different way. your child is not you starting your life over.

They are their own person in a different environment with you beside them now. And that's important to remember because it is different circumstances. Yeah, it can it can feel because it though there'll be enough similarities, you know, and it triggers this thing inside of us from our own memories and our brain pulls it up without us even planning it. And it's hard to kind of slow that down and go, wait, this is their story. Yeah. It's not my story. It's not the same. Well, and I think what's beautiful about it, Sarah, is that conflict.

You know, we've talked about this a lot in previous podcasts, how conflict is an opportunity for either pushing each other further away or drawing closer together. And so I I know we don't always do this well, right? S sometimes it does trigger me and I do get upset about it because I see that thing in me that I don't like and I see it in my kid, you know, but it is an opportunity because the fact that I can notice this pattern means that I have an opportunity that that my younger self didn't have, you know, to respond.

with greater understanding and greater skill. Yeah, I think that's actually really because sometimes we do begin to resist that behavior in our child. So it moves into a a greater conflict, a place where your child can feel even rejected and they don't even know your whole background, right? They maybe you've said, I was like that or something, but they don't know your lived experience and they don't know where all this energy is coming from that's resisting them. And instead that can shift to be, you know what?

Let me come alongside you. Yeah. I understand this struggle or I understand this thing. Let me come alongside you and can be something that can bring you close together because now you're the person who has walked that in your own path. Their path their path is different. But man, you know, when we've had our own, if there's something I'm struggling with, and maybe a mentor comes along or someone comes along and says, Hey, you know, I can relate to that. Yeah, like you get it. Yeah. And they and they come along in that way. It feels different instead of a resistance to who I am. It's

Kyle and Sara Wester (04:37.194)
It's a a wise person who can come along and help me with this. And I I think that shift in parenting and coming alongside our child makes such a difference. Yeah, and it it the reason why this happens is when you look at the brand science, when something in your child resembles an old pain or a trait we've tried really hard to manage or maybe even try to get rid of, our brain can treat that moment as urgent. It's like an emergency. It's it starts pulling from old memories and the future fears that you had.

We may move quickly into trying to fix it. w try to warn the kid, try to control the behavior, or or start withdrawing from it. So we're not around it. Not because we don't love our kid, but because our nervous system is trying desperately to protect both of us. Yeah, it feels very urgent. It feels like this this is a tragedy. This is something that has to be dealt with and it feels like an emergency because of it's pulling up

Everything. It's not even about your child. It's pulling up all this stuff inside of you. Yeah. And so Sarah and I are big on this podcast of change always begins with us. So today is not about blaming parents for having that reaction. That's not helpful, right? But it is about helping all of us as parents to recognize it sooner so we can choose a response that will actually be helpful to our kids.

Yeah, because our brain is trying to protect us. It it's saying, I know this, right? 'Cause our brains are pattern seeking. Yeah. And it goes, I remember this. I know what's gonna happen here. And so your brain is acting on your behalf, but sometimes that's not serving us now. Yeah. And we needed to pause and go, wait, this is a different story. I can I can relax, I can take a breath, I can start to rewire and rewrite this for myself and this situation with my child. Yes. So so the big theme here is, and and I if you're listening, you probably have a kid just like this.

Is why does the kid most like me feel the hardest to parent? Okay. So we want to first talk about three reasons why this can hit differently. Because you you sometimes you think like that doesn't make any sense. The kid most likely you should get along with the best, right? And sometimes you do hear that. That's why and coaching parents is so fun, Sarah. When you're hearing parents, some be like, that kid is so easy because they're just like me. And then the very next parent I'll talk to you about, that kid is so like me, so they're so hard to parent. They can do both things, right? Exactly. So

Kyle and Sara Wester (06:51.041)
First of all, one reason is parenting a kid like you can touch an old wound. You know, like their anxiety may remind you of how alone you felt when you were anxious. their people pleasing may bring back the pressure you carried to make everyone else feel okay. Their anger may remind you a part of your may remind you of a part of yourself when you were punished or shamed for having that kind of anger. And it's not always the behavior itself. Sometimes it is what the behavior.

means to us and kind of how we interpret it. Yeah. And I think we have to pause and I mean like just think about for a moment something that's real triggering that your child does that pulls something inside of you and what messages are going through your mind about that. You know? And 'cause sometimes we're just in the motion of parenting and we're doing things and we're busy and and to step back and go, wait, wait, what's going on? You know? Well, even going back to that talking too much one is like

those feelings of not being heard, you know, and then this conflicted feeling of maybe I'm trying to do something else, but Abby's trying to tell the story. And then I'm like, no, now I'm becoming just like my parents and I'm treating her like, and it's like this kind of and so like I I want to listen, but I and it I feel almost like helpless in that moment, you know? Of like, man, I am modeling exactly what they did, but I didn't want to do that to her. I want her story to be heard and valued. But my goodness, did I did I teach her to do this? You know, it's kind of crazy. Okay.

So number two is we may com we may confuse familiarity with certainty. Like I like we start saying to ourselves, I know exactly what this is because I was just like that. Yes. You know? Yeah. man, you know, parent, we feel that a lot, right? We see something and and we're quite sure that we know where this is going, what it means. You know, we we feel like we know the whole story because we can relate, we mistake that. Yeah.

And we get we jump to that surface. Well, it keeps us from being curious, right? Yeah. Because, like, why be curious? I already know what's gonna happen here, you know? Yeah, yeah. And again, it's your brain going, you know, I got this. But the thing we got to be honest about, and this is just true, you might see a similar behavior, but that can come from very different places, very different needs, fears, strengths, and experiences. So the thing we can control is being conscious and aware of our own story, because that can help us ask better questions of our kids.

Kyle and Sara Wester (09:07.307)
And it should not make us assume that we already know their fears and the the we already know their the answers to what's going on, right? And the the way I'm thinking of that, Sarah, what popped in my head as I was saying that was just how many times parents do jump to those conclusions that I already know. And as soon as we jump to that, it kind of shuts down the whole conversation. Cause then we react to what the kid's doing from our own journey. And and and the dangerous part about that is if we keep doing that, we end up making our journey their journey.

And it's even confusing to the kid because the kid's like, that's not why I was doing it. Right. Right. Okay. The third one is is is we may try to save them from a pain we did not get help with. So we may immediately go, I didn't get help with that. I need to help them. And that saving can look like, and I'm sure I'm guilty of this, of overexplaining, trying to rescue them, pushing too hard, minimizing.

Or made making this trait like a project, like something that we need to fix about. Right. We have they need their journey. Yeah. And it and it's different. When we jump in in that way, we stop them from being able to have their journey. And that is a valuable experience. And you know, maybe we had to go on our own journey alone. We learned from that. And so we still need to let our child go on their journey, but we want to go alongside them. We don't want them to do it alone. But we can't we can't take it over for them. Yeah.

And and you know the the loving intention is understandable, but children often feel often need us to stay connected and help them practice and not rush to just get rid of that hard thing. And I think too often I know I find myself doing it where I just want them to get past that. I want them to overcome it. And then we can focus on it way too much. It makes them focus on it way too much. Like like I remember even with the over explaining thing at times, when parents focus on that, then the kid gets anxious, which makes them

Overexplain more because they start to get you know, or they shut down altogether and withdraw. And that's not what we wanted either. Yeah. We wind up pushing them out there when they're not ready or controlling and managing something. And then we we rob them of the experience of the growth that could happen. Cause those struggles develop character, they develop the skills they need. And and we are well intentioned, but we can come in there and rob them of that. And then what happens is they just later have to do it again. Yep. Yep.

Kyle and Sara Wester (11:27.733)
'Cause we we actually need to let them do Yeah, and they actually don't want to do with you because they see it bothers you so much, you know? Yeah, yeah. And and really the greatest risk is not that your child has this personality trait. It is that fear convinces you the trait is their whole story. And it's almost like they're trapped to have to become this trait. Yeah. Instead of realizing, no, that's just part of their story. It's just a little piece, it's not the whole thing. You know? Okay. So let's talk about Sarah three shifts that

That can help us keep that that keep fear from leading the relationship, right? Because we don't want to lead this with our kids being guided by fear. so shift one from let's shift this. Let's from this is who they are, which is meaning their whole story, to this is a skill that they are building. Okay. So we want to avoid language like you're so anxious, or you are dramatic.

You are lazy. I do hear that a lot when I'm helping coach parents. you're just like me. That that's a it's definitely one we want to so we want to stay away from these that kind of encapsulate that this is who you are. Yeah. Okay. Instead, we want to describe what we're seeing. So become more descriptive, noticing what you're seeing and saying something like this. This feels hard to start, or your body is getting overwhelmed. You really want to get this right, don't you?

Then identify the skill because you know we're all about behavior is all just a bunch of skills we're learning, you know? Okay, so so behavior is a set of skills. So what is it that the skill they're they're trying to get better at? Like flexibility, maybe calming, maybe tolerating disappointment, asking for help, or even recovering after mistake. So notice the skill that they're needing to build instead of just completely making them become this trait and saying, that's who you are, you just have to live with

Yeah, and I think it helps remove it too. If if I'm a perfectionist and I see that in my child and I'm always thinking that I'm gonna approach my child differently, I think, my child needs to realize it's okay to make a mistake, you know, and then and then my focus changes and I move in there and I help them in a different way and it's not it's something that that they're developing and growing in. It's not who they are or you know

Kyle and Sara Wester (13:47.025)
So I think that shift is just really, really helpful when you're approaching your child and they feel the difference in the energy coming at them. Yeah. When they're not when they're a project that feels very different than, hey, let me teach you to tie your shoes, you know, and then let me teach you some flexibility. Let me let me help you with knowing that a mistake is okay. Well, it's huge, Sarah, rather than coming from a place of the you're inherently broken or there's something really wrong with you. A kid

Does not want to take part in that conversation instead of like, this is just something that you can grow in and get better at, do you know? Yeah. There's lots of people who feel like this, and here's some things we do. And a lot of people struggle with this. I I at times have struggled with it myself, and this is what we can do to get better at, right? So we we gotta we gotta remember that a trait, like a character trait, a personality trait, is not a verdict. It is just information about where your child may need some support and practice.

And I think as I say that, Sarah, there's just such a freedom to that, you know. So I hope every parent can feel that. It's it's not basically, it's not so just this is who you are. well, you know. Okay. So the second shift we want to do is from I know where this goes to I want to know what this is like for you. Okay. So move away from you don't know where this goes. You may think you do. Fear will tell you you do, but you don't. I want to know what this is like for you. You know, your experience.

As a parent and your life is a bridge, but it's not a map. Like you're not handing them a map and saying, look, I know exactly this the trail. So instead, we want to try something like sometimes I can relate to this, but I don't want to assume what is the hardest part for you. You know, and that really opens up the conversation. So you want to ask before you start teaching. Curiosity is gonna help your child feel seen as a separate person, not as a repeat of your life.

I think it helps too because when you do move into that curiosity, you actually begin to see the differences better. Yeah. So I think you can be more helpful because when we see them as just that cookie cutter, smaller version of ourselves, sometimes we are missing things because they aren't living our identical life. Yeah. So then we miss ways we could help them, which is our goal, which is what we want to do. And then when we move in with curiosity, we start to notice the differences. We notice what's going on inside of them, which is different than our own story.

Kyle and Sara Wester (16:02.677)
And we can come alongside them in a way we actually want to, and we can help in the way we want to help it. It just opens that up. And I I I'm just thinking, Sarah, as you're talking too. I was thinking of how many times I hear grandparents will do this. You know, like a parent will say to me, my parents said I was just like that when I was like or you you had those same problems. And I think sometimes that exasperates this.

You you feel like they are gonna follow the same map, the same roadmap. Cause it seems like, well, my mom and dad said I did the exact same thing. I know, but they're not you. It really is important to realize they're not you, and that's good, you know? And yeah, they're gonna have some similar struggles like you. That makes sense, both biologically and relationally. There's gonna be some similarities, but those similarities there are not like a a a sentence that says they can't do better than that.

Yeah, that's all they've You don't want anyone to to hand you your life story with the end already written, right? That doesn't feel good. And so it it's not something we wanna do to our child either. And and even if we don't see it, our kids see the differences and or they're become aware of it. And it's important for them to be able to own and be empowered in their own story and not feel like they're locked into another story. Yeah, I I'm even thinking when I talk to a teenager, there's a difference between a teenager saying, I'm just like my dad, or

There's some things I do that are similar to my dad, right? It's similar. There's such more freedom in that where the kid can, which I think we all as parents want them to do it better than us. And so let's free them to do it. So the the third shift is from saying, I have to prevent their struggle or I have to stop them from struggling like this to I can help them learn to move through it. the goal here is not a child who never feels anxious, never is disappointed, never angry or overly sensitive.

The goal is a child who knows those feelings are manageable, who has safe support, and who can build these skills over time. this is what Sarah and I would say is calm leadership, staying close enough to support, steady enough to hold a limit, and patient enough to let growth take take place, take practice. Like let them learn how to do that. Okay. So it'd be good right now to kind of ask yourself.

Kyle and Sara Wester (18:12.653)
You know, take a moment as we've gone through this, just check in with yourself and say, Am I responding to my child's actual need right now or to the future I'm afraid of for them? So that would be a good way to kind of pause. Okay. Now this next part we want to get into is kind of noticing when your own story gets activated, you know? So in these moments when you are reacting, it's kind of like your your own story's taking the precedence of the kid's story. Okay. So that this this right now, this isn't about

Yeah, once again, being perfect. Sarah and I aren't about doing it perfect all the time. Yeah, because you're not going to. Yeah. You will not always catch it in the moment. And that is okay. There's times you're gonna react and you're gonna do exactly what you've been doing. We do as well. Okay. This is about increasing the number of moments when you can notice. Awareness is how it all the change starts. So something bigger is happening in me right now. That's what I want you to be thinking about. That something bigger is happening in me right now. Even a pause after the moment can create.

Time for repair, learning, teaching, guiding, all those good things. So here's some signs that Sarah and I kind of noticed that tend to pop up. Some signs that we may be reacting to more than just the moment. And I want to tell you, kids can see this and it is kind of confusing to them. I think sometimes they're almost better at it. Yes. Yeah, that they're like, this ain't about me anymore. This is totally about you. Okay. So one of the signs is your urgency is much bigger than the situation in front of you. So

You're having this big reaction to this thing, and it's it seems like it's an emergency. The kids like, I I this is not an emergency. Or you hear yourself using like language stuff like always, never, or this is gonna ruin your life. You have to stop this now. Yeah, that that's your nervous system, you know, when it's in mode where it's scared and it's been triggered. And so it is life or death in that moment. You have these big responses to things. And then I know I'm in this mode, Sarah.

If I feel compelled to lecture, to kind of force the situation, or to rescue, or maybe just shut the whole moment down immediately. Yeah. I think we move in with control, right? Because it's like, I guess. Yes. Yeah. or you are more focused on getting rid of the behavior than understanding what's underneath it. That's another one. Okay. afterward, you also realize you were you were talking to a younger version of yourself as much as you were talking to your own child.

Kyle and Sara Wester (20:36.437)
And that's actually kind of a weird moment. I've actually experienced that a few times where I'm talking to my kid. I'm almost having like an out-of-body moment of like, I think I'm actually just talking to myself, a little version of me. And I'm it, but it looks like my kid now. Yeah. So it would be very helpful just to take a 20-second reset, just to pause for a moment. And in that pause, here's what you're gonna do. Just kind of name it. So number one, name it. This is touching something familiar in me. You know, just for a moment, be aware of that. Number two, ground yourself.

So slow your body down, soften your shoulders, breathe out, la breathe out longer than you breathe in, and lower your voice. It'll help your body start to relax. Number three, separate yourself, meaning their story is not my story. So separate your story from their story. And I think you have to tell yourself that. You have that is that conscious moment you go, okay, and you take that deep breath and you go, This story is not.

This is their story. They own this story. And then your your brain can start to go, okay. And it can make that separation where it was merging everything and getting all worried and anxious and scared. And it can start to calm things down, pull things apart so you can approach it from a different Yeah, and realize you don't have to solve this right now. and number four is recenter yourself. So choose one next helpful move. And that move move might be I'm gonna connect with my kid. I'm gonna hold a calm limit, or I'm gonna ask a curious question.

So have a plan. When this happens, you know, have these steps in mind. Okay. regard regulation, when we're able to finally calm down and regulate, that gives us back the ability to respond to our child in front of us, not the child we used to be. And that's what our kid needs us to do. Okay. Now, this doesn't mean parents should ignore patterns or avoid getting support or pretend their child is fine when they're struggling. It means we bring concern.

With steadiness. We can seek help. We can teach skills. We can set limits without turning the child into a problem to be solved. Because that's always gonna shut down the conversation. And we have to start with that work in ourselves. It always just makes sure you're in the place you want to be in, and then approach your child. Yeah, so here's some quick examples of kids that are just real common in homes.

Kyle and Sara Wester (22:51.711)
In ways that this could help you on a daily basis. Yeah, yeah. So you might have a a kid who's anxious or avoiding. That's a that's often a common one. So yeah, so then that what triggers up in you? You cannot keep avoiding things. This is exactly how I got stuck in my life, right? Or you might even still be avoiding things. That's true, that's true. And instead, a response could look like this: starting feels really big right now, let's make it smaller.

What is the first, what is the first two-minute step that you want to take? Like, so let's say a kid is kind of stuck at taking the step. So this is a part where you might be, you might teach them how to break you know, a task down to something more manageable, naming the worried thought they might be having, asking for a short reset, like let's just pause for a moment, or let's begin before feeling fully.

Ready. Okay. So so like these are all examples of things that you might be able to do with them in that moment where they're feeling overwhelmed and they can't seem to get on that task. I I'm thinking of several kids right now that I'm helping with. Maybe they're getting ready for camp or maybe they're getting ready for school and they're overwhelmed. If you can help them pause, and then just kind of break those steps down, then that's really gonna help them be able to go forward and start managing that moment better.

And and 'cause you're looking at the whole big picture and that is a real common one. So just saying, Okay, let's not look at the whole picture. What's what's a step you can do right now? And then you're also you're turning towards the child with curiosity, you're helping to see it through their eyes instead of just that your own story laid on top of it, you know. And you're going, Okay, where what's your experience? What's the thing you can do? Yeah. You know. Yeah, and this one does kind of hit kind of home when you sometimes have a sensitive child, you know.

And that sensive child, for me, the things I might have to say is, and this is typical, just these thoughts, I'm almost embarrassed. I have these, but you have to toughen up. The world is not always gonna be kind to you. I mean, that that definitely triggers me. instead, I could pause and say, That really hurt. Your feelings make sense. Let's take care of your heart and then decide what you want to do next. and what you're teaching there is you're kind of teaching them to name the feeling, you're trying to teach them how to advocate for themselves.

Kyle and Sara Wester (25:13.399)
How to set boundaries, how to recover from something that was hard, and also discern whose words really deserve weight, you know, kind of like what what really to to to give you know who you want to be guiding you in those moments. Yeah. No, I think that's a powerful one. I think in different ways for men and women, but I know what we've recently had these awesome boy episodes, boy kind of focused episodes. And I think that's very true, right? Because so many guys are from a very, I mean.

You see it with little boys even. You this thing rises up they they don't let cry too much. Don't let be sensitive. Yeah. They they're gonna have to face a tough guy world. And so you feel like you're preparing them for that. And but so I think this one really probably hits well with men. I think women feel it in a whole different way. Sure. But but the ability to tune in and go, It's okay that I have this feeling, care for myself, what am I gonna do? Who am I gonna let speak into my life in this moment? It's very valuable. And so another kid that you might have is the intense or angry child and the fear

That pops up the response is do not become like me. You need to stop this right now. Okay. So if you're able to calm down, able to to pause there, say something like, You have a lot of energy in your body right now. I will help you calm it and I will not let you hurt people with it. And I th I think that would be really helpful to your kid to be able to hear that you will be there to help them with it, not just tell them, Don't show me this, you know? in that moment, what you're doing is you're teaching.

safe outlets for that energy, how to how to have a plan on how to pause and calm down. You're teaching them how to repair when they have hurt somebody or something. And you're also using language that the for the need beneath the anger for them to be better at communicating that rather than just getting aggressive and blowing up. Yeah. And I think this is a common one. You see a, you know, a a lot of the families I've worked with, you know, where you you feel like, man, e you know

I was angry, my kids angry. I've passed that on to them. They blow up at people just like I blow up at people. And I and I think this is a real common one. So I think it's helpful to kind of see it through a different lens of and I love I love the word energy in that because it is these kids tend to have such big they're they're they have so many big feelings and and and they are to me, because I don't have that same personality, they're so brave. Yeah, they kind of come out, but it's it's like, okay, that's great, that's there. I can help.

Kyle and Sara Wester (27:33.919)
Let's guide this. Let's let's do it this way so we don't hurt people with our words or actions or you know, but we're not shutting it down. We're not saying something's broken in them. It's like here, I I can come alongside you and help this be a productive thing in your life. Yeah, that's good. and then the last one we came up with with was the perfectionist or people pleasing child. And so that that that response, yeah, that fear is you do not need to care what other ones, other people think, or just get it done already.

Stop worrying about what they're thinking, you know? And but a more connected response would be it feels risky to disappoint someone or do this imperfectly. Let's practice choosing what matters most, not what makes everyone else happy. This is the one I relate to. Yeah. Yeah, that that that would be a good one, right? Very very, very much. Yeah, yeah. I think even picking a restaurant. So a recent example, you know, someone in our family had our time picking a restaurant. We that. Because

It was, no, if I pick a restaurant I like, but other people might be upset about that choice. No, and that was so funny too, because I kept saying, I you think whatever, yeah, whatever one you want to pick. It doesn't matter. And then like, no, but it will matter. But it doesn't. Like, I'm actually okay with whatever. It's kind of funny. But here, what you're teaching that kid is how to tolerate mistakes, how to be honest with what you prefer, right? and and also repairing rather than hiding. So if something, if someone is upset, just go back and repair. It's okay. You don't need to hide.

From that person being upset with you. so the basic kind of idea in helping your kid through this is they do not need to be a different child. They are not inherently broken. What they need is a parent who can help them understand their wiring and grow with it. And that is so empowering for a kid. Okay. And I think this is the healing part for us parents that we probably need to go back to our younger selves and say, We also weren't broken. We also weren't a pro a mistake, a pro you know.

But we got the message we were and we still kind of live out of that space. So as we approach our children different, it kind of heals something inside of us too. And so the truth is maybe the child most like you feels hard because they show you the places you have worked so hard to survive. But that does not mean they are doomed to repeat your story, and it does not mean you have to fix every familiar part of them. They may share your sensitivity, they may have the same intensity, they may also have your worries or your drive.

Kyle and Sara Wester (29:56.385)
They also get something you may not have had, which is a parent who is paying attention, who's willing to learn and committed to staying connected. Your child may carry some of your wiring, and of course they will, but with your support, they can carry it with more understanding, more skill, and more freedom. That they are not bound to just repeat the same path you did. Okay. So let me give you a small challenge for the week, okay? the next time your child does something that strongly reminds you of yourself.

Pause before you teach or correct. Ask yourself, what is this bringing up in me? What might be true for my child that is different from my story? What is one skill or one moment of connection that would help them today? Then choose one response that feels more curious and less urgent that it that is gonna, that is enough to begin changing the pattern. Okay? So you do not need, you you do not have to parent perfectly to give your child something differently, different.

Every time you pause, get curious, hold a calm limit, or come back to repair, you are helping build a relationship where they can grow into themselves. I love that. Help them grow into themselves, not just repeat what came before them. I mean, Sarah and I are huge on this. Like, we want our kids to be free. We want our kids to love who they are. We want them to know that they are not meant to be perfect people. There's the good, the bad, the ugly, and all of us. And the more

Our kids can see us accept and love ourselves just as we are. I mean, knowing that there's always improvement, things that can be changed, but we love ourselves as we are right now, we can give that to them. And that is actually what frees them to become even better than we could have imagined. So please, if this episode helped you see your child or yourself with a little more compassion, share it with a parent who may need to hear it. And follow the Art of Raising Humans on, you know, follow our podcast for more brain-based tools.

To help you lead with confidence, strengthen connection, and build the kind of relationship that will last. And we so appreciate you taking the time to listen today and hope this gets you ready for the upcoming school year. You know, this is dropping right as school is starting. And we hope it empowers you as you know things pop up, like they look like they're being lazy when it comes to schoolwork or that they're they're they're struggling with friends at school, and that seems just like you. We hope we gave you the tools you need.

Kyle and Sara Wester (32:22.657)
to be able to shift that story so they can write their own. Thank you for listening.