Episode 230

Episode 230 Transcript:

Have you ever looked at your child and thought, you know better than this? Why are we still dealing with this?

You can do this. You're just choosing not to. Come on, we've all had those thoughts, haven't we, as parents? But one of the things that has changed the way we parent is remembering that our kids are still developing. Their brains are still developing, their emotional skills are developing, their ability to handle frustration, organize themselves, think ahead, control their impulses, communicate clearly. All of that is still growing. So today we want to wrestle with this idea. Just take a moment, think about this.

What if our kids really are doing the best they can with the brain, skills, maturity, and capacity they have in that moment? And before you think that means lowering expectations or letting kids off the hook, it doesn't. In fact, we think believing kids are still developing can actually help us become better at holding them accountable and helping them.

Today, if you are listening to this podcast and you're thinking, man, I need some help with my parenting, reach out to me at Kyle at Art of Raising Humans. I'd love to help coach parents to give them the skills to see these situations differently and create the family that they actually want. Instead of struggling with the day-to-day, not having a clear vision. Love to help families put that together. And also, if you haven't, take a moment to please pause, review, comment. Would love a good five-star review and love to hear your comments about how this is helping you.

And look forward to you learning about how your kids are doing the best they can.

Kyle and Sara Wester (00:00.952)
Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle. Hi, I'm Sarah. And you know, Sarah, something early on, before we ever had kids, I heard this at a training when I was becoming a school counselor, elementary school. they made this outrageous statement that said, when you're working with parents and kids, just remember they're all doing the best they can. Yeah, I think the first time, if no, if you guys haven't heard this already, I think the first time you hear it, you think, uh-huh.

That's bull crap. That's bull crap. Yeah. Have you seen this one? So yeah, it's kind of a mind blowing it takes a while to wrap your head around it. Yeah. It does take a moment. Like and I just remember thinking like all the examples I wanted to bring up. Like you think that mom's doing the best or that dad's doing the best. No, they are not. my gosh. Yes, that kid knows better. Right. And so like in especially a lot of growing up was you should know better. Like you should know better. Like they knew better. You know, so a lot of that will come in there. And then

Man, we came across a really good book by Brene Brown. she's got several good books. And there is a theme in the research that she's done about shame. Yeah. And that is that people actually are doing the best they can. And it was like she has all this research to show that when you see with the skills they have, with the with w where they're at in the brain or where they're at just neurologically, all that they actually are doing the best they can. Right.

Yeah. And yeah. And I think we can think to moments in our own life where, yes, maybe, okay, let's say you were late. It's an easy one. We've all been late before. And you think, I you can say that to yourself. I know better. Yeah. Because I'm sure you've been on time somewhere in your life, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know how to be on time. You're an adult, you know, right? But then you look and go, and you can think through. It might be, you know, I over I

I slept too long. I know I should have gotten up, but I'm really upset about this or this or it could my alarm didn't work. Whatever it is, you can think through the circumstances that led to you being late. Right. And sometimes we even still tell ourselves, well, I know better. You know, but there's always, no matter how big or small the thing is, there's a set of circumstances you said.

Kyle and Sara Wester (02:16.097)
brain state. Like were were you in a really tough spot in your mentally. Yeah. Were were there physical things that got in the way? Were there, you know circumstantial things. Yeah. Yeah. Like even as you're saying that, my first, my old school thinking was, you just made a bunch of excuses. Like No excuses. No excuses. Hang tight. If you're thinking that, hang tight. We're gonna come back to that. But but what happened is as I started to see it differently and understand the the power of that statement and why it not only changes how I see that person, it actually changes you.

It helps you. But I just, yeah, you could call them excuses. Excuses are something that like says there's no responsibility here, or it's just an explanation. Like I'm just trying to explain what happened, right? And so if I can give a quick story, how I just realized this this weekend, because I knew we were going to do the subject, but I was thinking about this. I'm at Ellie's soccer game. So our daughter plays soccer. It was a hot day here in Oklahoma. It was over a hundred. It was really hot, which doesn't put me in the greatest mood. And as we're watching the game, her team is getting killed.

Right. And the whole time you were there, I'm up, I'm walking, I'm energized. Like I I'm I'm telling Ellie to do stuff, like Ellie, like watch that person. And in my mind, every time I do it, if she does what I say, it works out. Like if she just listened to me, you know, and like Ellie's not focused. Ellie, I'm looking at like how all the ways Ellie isn't good enough, right? Which is what shame will tell us. Yeah. Then I had a talk with Ellie that night about if that was helpful. And Ellie was like.

Not really. She said, it's actually super confusing when you're yelling at me. I'm thinking about what you're saying. I'm thinking about what I need to be doing. And isn't the goal for me to be able to do this myself on the field? Like if I if you're constantly doing that, that even if it works. That's kind of what the coach said. Yes, it's the coaches said that the coach was like, Hey parents, don't talk because we need the girls. They're not gonna do it perfect, but they need to

Learn how to think through this in the moment themselves. And the next day she had a game at eight in the morning. That was nice because it wasn't as hot. I found a really great shady tree. And and Ellie said, I don't want you to say anything, Dad. Are these your excuses? The weather. And I did it, Sarah, and I just sat there with the with the intention of just enjoying watching my daughter play. That she's healthy, she's she's athletic.

Kyle and Sara Wester (04:31.039)
She can go out there and kick this ball, play at a high level. It was only 85 degrees instead of 105 degrees. And I just was filled with joy. I actually found myself smiling, not because she did everything perfect, but because I got to be there to watch her play. And then the whole ride home. Some place of gratitude. Yeah, it wasn't a talk about all the ways you fell short. Instead, it was just about how much I enjoyed watching her play. And I think that's a good example, is when I believe Ellie's doing the best she can out on there. I'm not feeling the need.

To constantly shine a light on all your failures, you know? Instead, I'm able to just watch her and accept her as she is in that moment, which then allowed her to do the thing she said. Learn to play soccer on the field with her own thoughts. Yeah. Not with my voice constantly. Right, right. it was obviously we want our kids, you know, to be able to live life, not we need to be there all the time, micromanaging every moment for them. No, we don't want that at all. Well, and I think the reason why I brought this up, Sarah is I do see a lot of this.

Happening with the labeling that we do with kids, right? Like there's really common labels that I hear on a weekly basis when I'm helping teenagers or kids. And those labels are just the common ones are like kids lazy, kids disrespectful, kid doesn't care, or kid is just defiant. Yeah, I think and then that is, you know, in our own defense, our brains kind of do that. You know, they get ahead of us. And they're like, I saw these this set of behaviors, and that's my interpretation of it, right? 'Cause it's

It's looking for this meaning. It's trying to make meaning of what's going on. And and unfortunately, that just doesn't always serve us. Those labels, they don't serve us. They don't serve our kid. They're not even always accurate because we're not really taking in the whole picture. A lot of times we jump to a label for our kids unintentionally. Our brains kind of get in there for us, but we get there without even knowing the whole story. No, we're not even You know, we're missing so many pieces. Yep. But we our brain goes, I've seen this before. That's laziness right there. Yeah. Yeah. You know?

and may even be labels that were given to us as kids. So then our we're pulling from forty years ago, thirty years ago, you know, a lot of this stuff, it's it's just it's there before we realize it. And it's kinda hard to rein in those labels, but they don't serve anybody. Well, and so that brings me up to another key thing that I know maybe it's not it doesn't blow your brain, but it's just a truth that if you grab onto it, it changes how you parent. I cannot read my kids' mind. Yeah.

Kyle and Sara Wester (06:54.133)
Like so far, I've not met an adult who knows who actually can read their kid's mind. But when they start using these labels, and even in my mind, when I'm using these labels, it's always attached to I know exactly why they were doing it. Yeah. I know why they aren't trying hard enough. I know, and it's all based on judgment, criticism. It's it's never positive. Like it's rarely ever. I never a parent read the kid's mind that's positive. It's always something negative. And if you just step back and just own it, you can't read their mind, then it helps you be.

Curious to find out like an explanation as to why it looks this way to you. Right. And I would say, man, most of the time it goes back to our childhood. Yeah. It was a label given to us or a label modeled to us. So you know, we're really kind of we're parenting in that case. I don't like that because I'm parenting from something so long ago. I'm not I'm parenting from a whole other set of people and circumstances and situations.

And and it's not like you said, it's actually it's not what's going on in this moment. Yeah. You know? It it's I can't mind read. I can't, you know, I can't my kid woke up and I read their mind and they said, I'm gonna be lazy today. Yeah. I'm not gonna do anything, I'm gonna sit around and be a good for nothing. Yes. You know I want my parents to be really mad at me and and I and I'm even thinking, Sarah, how many marriage or relationship conflicts happen?

Because the other person's reading your mind. Yeah, and feel it. You're like, none of us like a second. You can't read my mind. You have no idea why I did like we immediately would get defensive by that. And I hear that from kids all the time. Yeah. That they they and then that's when they actually stop talking. They stop sharing because they'll be like, You already have it. Like you already believe you know all the reasons why I did that. I mean, I actually had this one kid, Sarah, who he was working several jobs, he was in high school.

He he basically almost had already graduated. So he had like his own business that he was doing, making some good money. Mom was worried about him. I was too. He was very stressed and overwhelmed. The kid was working for her. So mom wanted him to back off. So I talked to the kid. The kid says, I'm gonna back off. The very next time I saw that kid, mom was saying how lazy he is because he's not working harder. And the kid was like, It's so confusing. As soon as I laid on the couch to take a break, my mom was like, Why are you not doing this? Why are you not doing this? Like, that's why I've been working so hard is to not hear this stuff.

Kyle and Sara Wester (09:11.575)
To change that label so you won't see me this way. Yeah. And I think this is one of my favorite things ever that I learned and and try to practice from is just curiosity. Curiosity, curiosity, curiosity. And anytime you jump to those things, if you just pull back and move into curiosity, I feel like it's been such a one of my, just like I said, my favorite parenting tools is trying to live from curiosity and how far I've seen that taken.

You know, how far it gets me in my relationships and and skill building with my kids and all that stuff. If I just move into a curiosity instead of, you know, the moment I feel like I've reached a conclusion, just pull back a minute and go, wait, wait, wait, wait. And be curious. Well, I'm even thinking, Sarah's you're saying that, it brings up my mind, because I I I felt this as a kid. I remember there's one day I totally remember this. I was sick. I was not feeling well. I had a fever. I think I ended up having strep throat or something, right? And my dad came in the room, I'm laying on the couch, and my dad asked me a question.

And I was not in the mood to answer questions. So I said something back. I'm probably like a 10-year-old kid. I say something back that's kind of rude, right? Or like, Dad, I don't want to talk about this right now. And my dad's like, excuse me, do not disrespect me. And he immediately went, and I was like, What is happening here? Like, I'm sick. I have a fever. Yes. Is there no compassion? Right? But it was like immediately he was stuck on that. So that's where, of course, I'm coming from that mentality. And that's where when we learn the brain states, when we learn that

There I like I worked with the mentally ill for a long time. Like there's things that those mentally ill clients say, they were hearing voices. Like they were like literally had stuff going on that I couldn't even comprehend. Yeah, so if your dad had in that moment he jumped to a label of disrespect, right? Very common one we can get to. If he would have been able to pause himself and go, huh. I'm curious. I wonder why he snapped at me like that. I just asked him if he

you know, whatever the question was. I saw maybe let the dog out and he snaps at me. And and then he could have found out more about like, well, you know, you how much you were struggling and your throat hurt and you had a fever and all those things. You know, but yeah, and that ties into this idea that behavior is just communication, right? So that's how you were able you were able to be curious. And that's what I I wanted to be too is be curious with our kids of like what is going on underneath that? And that that's more of an inside out approach

Kyle and Sara Wester (11:32.686)
approach to parenting rather than an outside in. Instead of looking at the external and then believing you have all the information, which is ridiculous, because most of the information is internal. It's in their brain, it's in their body. And so like as I did that with soccer, when I was upset and I was uncomfortable and I was as I got dysregulated, all I saw was all the things Ellie was doing wrong on the field. And then when I was calm and in a good place, I saw just the beauty of watching my daughter play soccer, which is great. Right. Right. So that leads me to it. So we already said like one

They're doing the best they can, right? Starting with that belief will change everything. If you just if you just approach it, you're gonna be much more open to Give it shot. Even if you're hesitant, give it a shot. Doing the best they can. Second one is you can't read their mind. So, so be curious and let's not do it. Third one is, which I think is very important, because I hear a lot of parents saying, I know they know better because I saw them do it better at some other occasion, right? I I love this one because it feels so true. Yeah. When you watch your kid and you're like,

I saw them yesterday, they got up, they got their breakfast, they packed their backpack, they were ready to walk out the door on time. Today, they you know that we have we have loads of these examples in our brains as parents of seeing them succeed, and then they're not succeeding, so we know they can do it. This is well and I tell them immediately, I said, I just raised my voice and yelled at my daughter yesterday. I obviously know better. Like I teach this all the time. But in that moment, I really thought that was the only way to handle it.

Now, once I got into a better part of my brain, I was in a more calm state. I realized there was a lot of ways I could have handled that. And that's when I went back to repair it with my daughter and asked her forgiveness. And that's part of growing. Of course, they can do it better when they're in a better place. Right. And it's harder to And we're we're all this way. We all have it it's a human nature and especially true for children. They may master a skill and be able to demonstrate at nine in the morning, but not three in the afternoon. They can demonstrate it.

These times not when they're hungry, not when they're tired. And we're the exact same way. How I show up and talk to someone on a day, let's say my my grandfather died a few months ago, you know, in that day, that moment of attending the funeral and going through all that, I guarantee I would show up differently than on another day when I was rested and life was beautiful and some things were really going my way. And we're we all can relate to this on different levels where we show up and kids are much more that way. We have to hold that.

Kyle and Sara Wester (13:56.408)
Just because they demonstrated it once and it might have been an hour ago, doesn't still mean they're in the exact same space and able to demonstrate it again. I'm even thinking, Sarah, there's one time I saw this really clear with a pre-K kid I was helping, and this kid was causing problems. Like at at nap time, the kid would disrupt, right? And the teacher was very upset about this. So the kid was coming to me, I was helping the parents, helping the kid, right? Then I call up the teacher to follow up, and the teacher said, he actually did great last week. And like, what do you mean? Friday, he he did awesome. Well, that's good news. And she said,

Now that tells me he knows better. Yeah. Like so all the other days, he's purposely and I said, why wouldn't you just be curious about how that morning was different? He's four. Maybe he slept better that night. Maybe his parents weren't fighting that morning. Maybe he had a great drop-off. Like, why not try to find out what worked that morning to help him and then replicate that the other days, right? Whereas maybe the other days he's not sleeping as well. Maybe there's a lot of conflict at home. I don't know what's happening. But but she immediately jumped to

He he can do this every day and he's choosing not to. Right. Right. Which, like, why would he choose not to? Why would the four-year-old want to go to school and have a teacher upset at him and all the and I'll even take it, let's say he is choosing not to. Yeah. Then man, we better really be curious why. Because if you see a kid who seems to be intentionally sabotaging, then we should not come down harder or think they know better. We actually need to be super curious why.

A child, any human would move into sabotaging themselves or some other situation, because that is definitely a cry for help. That's definitely something is going on. So again, it still leads to the same, it still leads to, whoa, what is going on? Yeah. So one, I don't, I think people are doing the best in this thing. Yeah, you know, they're not going to be able to do the same set of skills in every single moment at all times in life, just like we can't. Yeah. But even if we go with,

Yeah, well, I'm even thinking of the example, Sarah. I like to speak in front of audiences. Like I'm I don't get that nervous. I enjoy it. I like the energy. And typically I think I do a pretty good job, right? So if I went and it just blew up like I really was bad at it, I think your first response would be, what was happening? Did you sleep last week? I know are you okay? You would never assume I wanted to go up there and blow it up. You wouldn't be like, Kyle, you know better. You've spoken lots of times. Like, and that would be so frustrating for me if you did that.

Kyle and Sara Wester (16:22.997)
And said you, are you okay? Are you sick? And like typically there every time, 100%, there's gonna be an explanation. This one's so this was so helpful to me because I silly and as simple as it sounds, I I do remember way back when I heard I remember thinking, huh, that's a good point. Yeah. You know, that's a really good point. And it kind of helped take some steam or energy out of conflict with my kids because I would think.

Okay, they did it before, they can do it again. I wonder what's going on right here. Yes. Yeah. So it was actually helpful to me because it I didn't feel as powerless. I just thought, okay, there must be something going on now. Yeah. Or some other way they're needing support. You know, this moment is different than when they were able to do it yesterday. Yeah. Well, and so that brings me to another one, an another fourth big point, which is doing the best they can today doesn't mean this is the best they'll ever be able to do. So so first hope, guys, there's hope.

So just because today the best didn't look all that great, and once I bring it back to sports, like you could have a bad game and nobody thinks from then on they're gonna have bad games or no, they can do better next time. We need to be curious about what caused the bad game. Like how come you weren't playing that well? And you'll typically find the kid was tired, the kid was hungry. There's basic things that a lot of humans it's going on, you know, they were upset about something else, whatever. Okay, then how could we help you get the best out of you in the next game, right?

How could we improve this? I think that's true for parents too. I don't know why when you were talking, it just made me think same for us. You know, some days we mess up and we come down really hard on ourselves. And we just have to remember, hey, okay, I had a moment. It doesn't mean I'm forever going to be this way. I can keep, you know, I can show up different tomorrow. I can repair. I can yeah. So I think we all experience this where to we don't want today to divine us. We don't want a moment to define us forever. It really is. We're all a work in progress. Well, and I think that's so important to free you to grow.

Right. So if you're a parent struggling to be a better parent, if you mess up and you think that defines you, instead of you being curious, because I don't think shame allows you to reflect and be curious. Shame says, You just suck at this. You're just bad at this. You're a horrible parent, right? And then there's no reflection, there's no growth, and that's what we do to our kids. It's like we immediately go in and we're telling our kids to do it better, but then also basically saying, You can't, you know, because shame will say,

Kyle and Sara Wester (18:42.721)
This is the best you can do right there. That's as good as you can get, right? No, we come from the belief that I think you're doing the best you can in this moment, but with the help and support that we could give you as parents, I think you could do it even better tomorrow. Yep. And that's the and we are the same way as couples. Like, that's the best I could do today. Why? Because I was overwhelmed with work or I didn't get much, you know, sleep, or I was really talking negatively to myself and that all came out of my mouth. wow, tomorrow I'm gonna do that differently.

Which then helps you grow and change. Okay. And so it's important that in that process of even having those conversations with yourself, with your kids, you're trying to help understand what's underneath the behavior. Okay. Now, understanding behavior isn't excusing it. Okay. It's not saying there's no responsibility here, that nobody needs to learn new skills. That's not what we're saying. I mean, that's actually quite the opposite. Understanding behavior, the point of it is to understand it, to change and grow.

Yeah, I love this. So all the people are like, yeah, but the whole time we've been hanging on to that. We're coming around to it. We're actually not just letting people off the hook, letting ourselves off the hook, letting our kids off the hook. This is actually where it allows responsibility and growth and change to happen when you come from this space. Yes. It's not saying whatever you did is just fine. You just stay right where you're at. Exactly. It's it's not doing that. It's actually allowing the growth that we all hope want, even our kids want. Well, even just like with the the things, Sarah about

The best I could do in that heat of the day and I was sweating tons was to see all the stuff Ellie needed to fix and comment on. Now, once I got home and I showered, I was in a calm place, I was talking to Ellie, and Ellie said, Dad, I'd like you to do it differently. And then I said, I will do it differently. And then I did, right? It's not like all of a sudden I became a different person. It was just Ellie then said, This is how I prefer you to do it. I figured that's what she would say anyway. And then I intentionally

Got myself in a better space to then do that thing she asked, right? Yeah. And then she got to see a better version of me, which helped her enjoy the game more actually. Right. Yeah. And and I feel like she played even better, not just because I perceived it, but because she wouldn't have all the pressure of me yelling from the sideline about how to change it. And then actually, Sarah, I got to see and observe the other parents, especially on the other team, and all the yelling they're doing, right? And I'm just like, my gosh, do I do I look like that? Is that what I'm doing?

Kyle and Sara Wester (21:07.179)
You know, and I'm even thinking like your daughter just like ran so hard and you're getting onto her. She did like I'm even seeing yourself, she just busted a gut. It's so hot out here, you know? So understanding behavior isn't excusing it. So the next one would be I want to start thinking developmentally, not just behaviorally. So instead of thinking, how do I get them to stop being lazy? How do I get them to stop being disrespectful? How do I get whatever? Instead of thinking that, it's what does my child need to eventually be able?

To do this or be this way or be in that place, right? How can I support and help by understanding what they need and then coming alongside to then get that outcome that we believe they can do? Yeah. So I I think doing all these other things that we've talked about frees up the space to then move into helping them grow, helping them build. Some of it's just like, hey, they're four. It's gonna take a minute. Yeah, you know, and then, I could do this and this to help them build that skill.

Yeah. So it just comes from this helpful place of supporting this high expectation or this thing that you want to build in them. And it's a better space to come from when you're helping and coming alongside someone. We love that at work. Yeah. If your boss just comes in and yells at you for what you did wrong versus, Hey, I noticed this and this. How about we get this in here to help you? We can send you to this workshop to build that skill. That's it's just a better space. It feels better. Yeah. And our kids are the same way.

Yeah, it's so like I here's some great questions to ask of just for you to even think among yourself with your spouse is just what behavior in our kids has been hardest for us to not take personally? You know, I think for me in particular, as I think about that, Sarah, I think about it seems so ridiculous, but Abby constantly forgetting her water bottle. That was driving me nuts. I don't know why I was taking it personal. It was as if I was failing her in remembering to get her water bottle.

And it would cause a lot of upset on my part to where s Abby would eventually just not tell me if she forgot water bottle because you didn't want me to get so mad about that. Yeah. Yeah. Is there one for you? the water bottle was the first one. probably messy room. Okay. That one's a topic. Keeping that up and organized and yeah, yeah, yeah. And not taking that personal. Yeah. Yeah. I think that one and trying to s keep stepping back into they're doing the best they can. How can I help build the skill?

Kyle and Sara Wester (23:30.508)
You know, seeing the long game and you know, and yeah. I mean, I think when they're very little is silly, but I took them waking up the middle of the night very personally. I'd be like, Why are you scared of a nightmare? Like this is a safe home. Like in my mind, I it was hard to have compassion in the middle of the night. But then another question is when do we as parents mistake can't yet for won't? Right? Like won't is it like why do we keep asking this kid to do this thing or get better at this if they won't do it? You know, they're just not going to. It's but they just can't yet or

It's difficult for them to do it, you know? When we see it with that mindset, we believe they want to do it better, then we just approach it with more open hands and less with anger. what did we what do we expect from kids? what did we expect from kids before becoming parents that we see differently now? and I'd say for sure, I would think when it comes to sleep, when it comes to even like sibling relationships and how we deal with conflict, a lot of that stuff. I just wanted that to go away.

And now I see that as all very difficult things that a lot of adults stink at and we need to take time to help them learn these things, right? Anything for you that maybe you saw differently before we have kids.

I did not prepare my answer and I'm not very good at thinking in that's okay. Yeah. I I I mean there's some there's a lot. I don't know. Well think about this one. How about this one? What skills are our own kids still developing right now? What's some skills that you see them cleaning their rooms? Okay. Or organizing schoolwork, right? Organizing their their day, their schedule, right? 'Cause when they're really little you manage it and trying to give that more to them is sometimes that goes that's such a good example of

Sometimes they're right on it, and other times I think you did it yesterday, and then today it's all in shambles. What's happening? But yeah, managing schedules, managing their spaces and their rooms and and yeah. Okay, so those are a few good questions to be thinking about. Like what skills are our kids still needing to develop, right? Think of it more of in a skills-based way. how does understanding development, like we've explained, change the way

Kyle and Sara Wester (25:33.848)
That we hold limits, right? Because we're thinking about they're still growing and changing. How do we help them support them as they're learning this new skill? and where do we personally struggle sometimes with giving kids room to grow? I mean, sometimes we're very impatient. We want them just to have that down. I remember when Abby was young and playing soccer, we wanted her immediately to just go outside and practice all the time and get better. And that was just not her thing. And eventually we're like, we have to realize this is we gotta give her room to grow in this. This is not her strength. With other kids might just immediately want to do that and go outside and keep the Lauren.

Right. Yeah. I mean we didn't even really get into that. But yeah, their temperament or their their likes and dislikes, their natural who they are w really needs to be taken into account. 'Cause, you know, you could going back to my room example, you could have a kid who's just naturally that way. It's not like they're just superhuman or you've done you know, and you look at the kid whose room is messy, but then they're the creative type and there's all these other reasons of why they are that way and that's part of it and

So that's a whole other thing to factor in. It's just like, how is who is my kid in this world? And once again, that's the understanding, the curiosity. And you actually, when you do that with your kid, it helps your kid not keep shaming themselves. Like, why I knew better? Why did I do that? Like, there's so much counseling that is tied to that with adults because they kept hearing that as kids. Is like this assumption that you should know better, therefore you didn't be a different voice in our kids' heads. Yeah, have a different voice of being curious, seek understanding that will help them be more open to.

Like hearing your perspective and other people's perspectives, and therefore they're gonna learn and grow. Okay. So here's a few things I want to leave you with is number one, remember this capacity changes. So a child may genuinely possess a skill but lose access to it when they're tired, when they're embarrassed, they're overwhelmed, hungry, you know, dysregulated. And parents often think, I've seen you do this before, so you're choosing not to now. And I've heard that a lot. I've heard like I he can do it for it, so I know he's choosing not to. the second is.

Skills develop unevenly. So a 14-year-old can sound incredibly mature in one conversation and then make a really impulsive decision an hour later. And that inconsistency is actually part of their development. Number three is behavior is information, but it is not permission. Understanding why something happened help helps us respond more effectively. It doesn't mean removing the boundary. And then the last one is: expectations should stretch a child, not require a finished.

Kyle and Sara Wester (27:54.84)
Brain, you know, a finished child. We want to call kids upward without constantly judging them against abilities that they are still building. Okay. Those are good. Yep. Right? Keep that in mind. That's what we're trying to Yeah. And so if we believe, if I I like this quote that you added here, Sarah, if I believe my child is still developing, rather than deliberately making my life difficult, which I know you've been there. You've been there, I've been there, she's been there, we've all been there. I parent very differently.

So I want to say that again. If I believe my child is still developing rather than deliberately making my life difficult, I parent very differently. And I'll leave you with this last one. Doing the best they can today doesn't mean this is the best they will ever be able to do. And that applies to you as well. So you doing the best you can today doesn't mean you can never get better. So I hope this helps expand your thinking. and just like Sarah said, just try it.

Try to believe today that your child is doing the best they can, that you are doing the best you can, that you can't read their minds, that you don't have that access, and to be curious and seek understanding so you can better learn and grow and do it differently and better tomorrow. Right? Right. Okay. So thank you. Thank you so much for listening to this podcast today. Share it with your friends. Definitely, we'd love for you to pass this on to other families that you maybe see yelling.

From the sidelines and you're like, hey, let's all believe the best we can about our kids. And so I know I need to remind myself of this all the time to help me be a better dad for my kids. So definitely share it. And we we just thank you so much for taking the time to listen us to that. Have a great day.